Thankfully, the ride to the gallery where we’re scheduled to meet Steve isn’t far from my dad’s. Lee can’t stop talking about how excited she is to see Frank the entire car ride, and is asking questions left and right about how her hair looks, and whether her outfit makes her look too fat. She even takes it as far as to ask me to switch shirts with her at a stoplight because the green shirt I’m wearing would look much better on her. This was Lee, though, and one of the many reasons I love her. She’s always the one person I can count on to be crazier than me.
I pull into the stone-covered parking lot. Jamie and Frank are casually leaning against the white wooden fence that surrounds the porch of the quaint gallery. Steve is the curator of this gallery, rarely showing his own work, but made an exception for us today because he’s just taken back up his love of photography after talking about it for all these years.
It’s hard not to feel some sort of attraction to Jamie, seeing him in a fitted white shirt and dark shorts. His hair is still long and unruly, making him look more like the boy I met all those years ago, with the exception of the salt-and-pepper accents in his hair and thin beard. I feel guiltier than ever at the thoughts I let flash through my mind when I remember the way his hair felt wrapped in my fingers.
“Fuck,” I say under my breath, absentmindedly.
“Fuck what?” Lee asks as she hops out of the car, too distracted by Frank to really care about what I’m thinking.
I get out of the car and am quickly greeted by both men. “Is Mike meeting us here?” Jamie asks, clearly unaware that Mike went home a week ago.
I can’t believe Mike didn’t tell me he never let Jamie know he wasn’t going to be here after Jamie made his travel schedule meet ours. “No, um, I’m sorry, I thought he told you.” I look to Lee for help, but she’s too busy sucking Frank’s face off like a teenager. “He left last week. He was needed back at the office.”
“That’s too bad.” He looks at me with worry. “You okay, Lex?” he asks quietly, truly concerned.
I know there’s no hiding the bags under my eyes from sleepless nights for the past week, but I had hoped he wouldn’t notice. “I’m great. Let’s get out of this heat,” I say with the brightest smile I can muster.
Jamie holds the door open for us as I make my way over to Steve. He looks exactly the same as he did twenty years ago, with wild curly red hair and freckled skin so pale, it makes me wonder how he wasn’t fried to a crisp in this heat.
“Alexa, how have you been? You haven’t changed a bit,” he says with a flamboyant wave of his hand.
I kiss both his cheeks before I introduce him to the others, but when I get to Jamie, there’s no introduction needed. “Holy Mother of Jesus! Jamie McCullen, what the hell are you doing here?” He looks back and forth between us. “And with Alexa? I feel like I’m in a time machine.” He fans himself dramatically and we both laugh.
Steve was a camp leader with the two of us, and when I asked to look at his work, it was before Jamie had decided to join us. It isn’t until now that I realize I never got around to telling him the change in plans. With everything else going on in my life right now, it was one of the last things I thought to mention. I’d actually been doing my best not to think of today at all because any time I thought of Jamie, it made me excited, and I didn’t like that. I didn’t like it one bit. Although I can’t control my emotions, I can certainly control my actions and will do everything I can to not let my past feelings for Jamie cloud the reality of my situation now.
Jamie shakes Steve’s hand warmly. “Hey, man, great place you have here. Lex said you have some pictures that might work for my restaurants.”
Steve’s eyes light up and he fans himself again as he turns back toward me and Lee. “Is he the man behind C.J. Fox restaurants?” He looks back to Jamie. “I think I’m going to be in trouble now with what I have to show you.”
We all laugh. But what could he possibly have to show us that would get him in trouble?
We follow Steve through the white-walled studio with beautiful paintings and photographs sparsely arranged on the walls. Each picture shares a different story on its own, without the distractions of painted walls or decorations surrounding it. For a second, I imagined some of my photographs on these walls, but quickly push the thought away.
“Are you sure you don’t want to look at any of the paintings, Jamie? These over here seem to match the look you’re going for too.” Steve becomes nervous as we make our way to the back corner, where he has four pictures on stands and tries to direct us away.
“I really liked what I saw on your website, Steve. Just show us what you have and we’ll go from there,” I say, pushing him along.
“Here they are. I’ll leave the four of you to yourselves. No peer pressure to purchase.” He winks over at Jamie. “But now that I know you’re the millionaire looking to invest, I may have to inflate the prices,” he says playfully before he makes a quick exit.
“Wow, Alexa, you were right. These pictures are amazing. The filter is so romantic.” Lee instantly fawns over the black-and-white photographs. “I mean, look at this one. You can’t even see their faces, but there’s no doubt how in love they are.”
I’m blindsided when I see the photograph Lee is talking about. There’s something eerily familiar about the setting and the people in them. It takes a second for me to realize why, and I become instantly aware of why Steve ran out of here so quickly now. Did he not think I would recognize myself?
Jamie comes to my side to look at the picture with the same awe as me. The edges of the beautiful picture is faded, making it look as if we were surrounded by mystical gray fog. In the distance is a run-down barn, the one on the edge of Camp Callahehee campgrounds that Jamie took me to when we wanted to get away from the craziness of the campers during our free time. When I notice the willow tree behind the silhouettes of Jamie and me is adorned with hundreds of twinkly lights, I know exactly when this picture was taken. Jamie and I are standing together, facing each other with our hands entwined before us, leaning in for a kiss. It was right after he gave me his mother’s ring, promising to love me forever. Promising he’d never hurt me. For a second, I wonder how Steve was able to capture the picture, but my thoughts are interrupted by Jamie’s voice when he reads the title of the photograph.
“One love, everlasting,” he says, mindlessly tracing his fingers over his tattoo. He looks over at me apologetically. “I asked him to take this picture for us. I didn’t think he still had it.”
“Why would he choose this one to show us? Is he trying to make us completely uncomfortable?” I reach into my pocket, feeling Jamie’s ring, and wonder whether I should give it to him now. But I quickly dismiss my idea; it would probably seem more like an act of love in this setting rather than friendship.
Jamie takes my hand to stop me as I turn to find Steve and rip him a new one. “Let me talk to him. You and Lee go out to the car and don’t worry about it, okay? I don’t want this picture to upset you, and it clearly has. We can talk about the other picture later.”
I nod, trusting him to put his fiery Irish temper to good use and give Steve the tongue-lashing I know he deserves. I take Lee’s hand before she can protest and walk to the front of the studio, with Steve nowhere to be found. After all of the things I’ve been trying to deal with this week, seeing such a beautiful picture, capturing what was such a special, private moment for Jamie and me, is enough to send me over the edge.
I lead Lee, who obediently follows, to the car and turn back to Frank, who was on our tail, unsure of what to say or do about what he was just a witness to. His look tells me it’s not as big of a deal as it feels in my heart.
“I’ll text you the address to the restaurant,” I call over my shoulder before I hop in my rental and peel out of the parking lot. Lee is dutifully at my side, knowing well enough than to start questioning me about that picture.
We don’t talk during the car ride, because if I do, I will cry. I don’t know why seei
ng that picture upsets me so much, other than I’m dealing with the disintegration of another relationship that I thought would last forever, and that picture was a reminder of the other failure of love for me.
When I pull down the stone-covered cul-de-sac toward Wished Away, I remember the day that Jess and Gage were married here. I met Jess through Cameron after her dad helped my dad start his bakery. I was so glad to see Jess happy again after what happened with Dave, and it gave me hope that I’d one day find love again the way she had.
I know Jess won’t be around until later this afternoon, so I’m in no rush to go inside, and am glad to have a few moments to gather my emotions before Jamie pulls up with Frank. After a minute staring blankly at the beautiful Victorian-style building before us, I turn to Lee to see her watching me as if she was afraid I’m on the verge of a breakdown.
“I’m fine.” I give her a tense smile.
“Are you sure?” she asks doubtfully. “Because you don’t look fine.”
“Absolutely.” I take a deep breath to clear away my annoyance.
“Because you looked like you were going to commit mass murder back there. What the hell happened?”
“It was just a picture of Jamie and me. It was super creepy.” I lie.
“I don’t think anything with C.J.—or Jamie, whatever…you know what I mean—I don’t think I would describe anything about you two in that picture as creepy.”
“Well, Steve just lost any chance of us using him, I’ll tell you that. Now I have to start at square one. I was certain he would be a done deal.” I add a little lipstick and pinch my cheeks in the rearview mirror before we go in for lunch, trying to put this all behind me.
“Can’t you just use the other pictures he has? The ones you already liked and wanted to use.”
“I don’t want to ever talk to Steve again. Even if he didn’t know Jamie would be there, he knew I would. Didn’t he think I’d recognize myself?”
Lee shrugs. “I didn’t. I could hardly see your face. It’s actually a great picture.”
“You’re no help.” I get out of the car just as Jamie pulls up next to me.
He lifts up his aviators and rolls down his window. “You good?”
“Peachy.” I smile, which makes him chuckle.
He turns off the car, saying something to Frank, who pops out of the passenger seat. “Let’s put our names in, then go check this place out.”
Frank and Lee are off before I can protest. When Jamie gets out of the car with a mischievous smile, I roll my eyes. “You told him to leave us alone, didn’t you?”
“Yep.”
“Why?” I ask, annoyed.
“Just come with me.” He taps my shoulder, careful to keep his physical distance again, and walks off toward the beach across the street.
I follow behind defiantly. “You don’t even know where you’re going.” I need to jog a little to catch up.
“I’m going to the beach. You know, that sandy place in front of us with a giant body of water.” He grins down at me and points in front of him. “I think I’ll be able to manage getting us there.”
“Why are we going to the beach?” I exaggerate each word.
“I don’t remember you asking so many questions. Are you always this annoying?” he asks jokingly.
I give him the finger; he busts out in a deep, raspy laugh that makes me smile too.
The beach is filled with summer renters who came down to the shore to experience the slow pace of life down here. Luckily, it’s not a weekend when the beach would be packed from end to end. I kick off my red strappy sandals when we reach the sand, still wondering why we are coming out here together. It makes me remember when we spent the summer at my dad’s shore house after our first year in college. Jamie went to the beach day and night. He would come down here to swim, read, run: any reason he could find to set his feet in the sand, he took. The memory makes me smile.
Jamie leads us to a spot up on the hill near the long wavy beach grass and wooden fence that separate the shore homes from the beach. He kicks off his shoes and flops down on the hot sand below, looking more relaxed than I’ve seen him since we reunited. Just seeing him this way lightens my mood from earlier.
I stand there for a moment, watching the small blue waves crash at the feet of two little girls, who run away laughing together, hand in hand. It makes me smile again. Jamie clears his throat, bringing me back to reality. When I stand there looking down at him, he reaches up and grabs my hand, making me almost tumble down on top of him.
“You could’ve just asked me to sit.” I push myself off him and settle in the soft sand below, trying not to act annoyed. “So why are we sitting out here?”
“Because I wanted to talk to you.”
His serious face makes me uncomfortable. I’m not in the mood for a serious talk right now, especially with him. The irritation builds inside me. Just when I thought I could relax around him, he wants a heart-to-heart? One of the reasons I don’t mind hanging out with him is because he doesn’t push me to talk, but here he is, wanting to talk. Ugh.
“We can talk just as easily inside with Frank and Lee.” I start to get up, wanting to do anything I can to try to keep this conversation from getting personal. I can sense that’s the direction he’s about to take with the way he’s looking at me.
He puts his hand on my shoulder, making me sit back down, and gives it a slight squeeze of assurance. “What’s going on with you?” Just when I open my mouth to say nothing, he cuts me off. “And don’t say nothing. I may not have seen you in a long time, but I still know you, Lex. What. Is. Wrong?”
I respond with the obvious, and the only reason he needs to know about right now. “I just thought it was very unprofessional of Steve to use that picture as part of his portfolio, and now I have to start this whole process over. I’m just frustrated.” I concede the partial truth.
“Agreed. It was a very uncomfortable, surreal situation.” He says, “But it was an amazing picture. I’m kind of pissed it wasn’t the one he gave me.” As soon as the words escape, he realizes what he’s admitted.
“You had another picture of that moment?” I ask, confused as to why I never saw it.
He looks at me and answers without hesitation, “Yes.”
“And why didn’t you ever show it to me?”
He pauses as if he’s contemplating his answer, and I soon realize why. “I was saving it for our wedding day.” His gaze doesn’t break from mine.
“Oh.” I look away, even more uncomfortable about the picture than before.
I can feel the heat coming from his eyes as he watches me for my reaction, but there’s too much filling up my heart and mind to make sense of any of it. It’s my past, and I need any of these feelings to stay there.
That’s when I remember my promise and reach into my pocket. I take out the Claddagh ring Jamie gave me and held it up to him; it’s the perfect distraction and timing.
“I brought this for you. I had it at my dad’s and wanted you to have it back. It belongs to you, and you should have it. I’m sorry I didn’t give it back to you sooner.” I hold it out for him to take.
But he doesn’t.
He just stares at the small golden symbol of his mother—and our lost love.
“You kept it,” he says in awe. He folds my fingers around the ring and pulls his hand away, smiling. “It’s yours, Lex.”
I shake my head and hold it out to him again. “No, it’s not, and I’m sorry I didn’t send it before. I just didn’t know where to send it. I didn’t know how to find you once you changed your phone number.” The nervous breakdown that Lee had feared minutes ago now threatened to overtake me as the emotions of the past few weeks—years, really—became too much to hide. “I’m sorry.” I shake while I hold the tears at bay; I take his hand and place the ring in it. “I can’t keep it.”
Jamie nods, defeated, and smiles at me with understanding. “I get it. I wouldn’t want to upset Mike either. I know I wouldn’t want
my wife holding onto a symbol of another man’s love.”
That’s when the tears explode. Mike never knew about it and would never find out. If he did, he certainly wouldn’t care. I fold my head into my knees, hoping to save what little self-respect I have left. “I’m sorry,” I say in a whisper.
“I’m sorry too, Lex. I am more sorry than you’ll ever know.”
He puts his arm around my shoulder and lets me cry into the sand, not pressing me for more.
I’m relieved that Jamie didn’t push me any further about my tears and was there for me this afternoon. I feel oddly better now that I’ve had a good cry, and am able to relax and enjoy our lunch together. Jamie and Frank are on a tour of the restaurant with Gage, leaving Lee and me to have a snack together while we drink some wine and wait for Jess to get back from running her errands. She’s been all over New Jersey this weekend, preparing for an event this evening for the charity foundation she named in honor of her husband who was killed while trying to save a child and his mother from an intruder.
“How are you holding up? I’m getting worried about you.” Lee reaches out for my hand. “Rita said Mike seems a mess, if that makes anything better.”
“I feel like a failure. I can’t stop wondering what I did to push him so far away. Being here makes it easier to forget that he won’t be there when we get home.” I take a sip of my wine, trying to keep my emotions locked away for now, and look out to the ocean. “Am I an idiot for hoping he’ll realize he’s made a mistake and come back to us?” My voice sounds as empty as my heart.