“It’s not dumb—it’s natural.” Lee grabs my hand again to get my attention back on her. “You can’t blame yourself for any of this, Alexa. You tried to keep your marriage together harder than I’ve ever seen anyone in my life. You gave it your all, but he changed. He changed a long time ago, and made choices that no one should have to live with.”
“I know he’s going to divorce me, Lee. He’s given up on us completely and I just don’t know who I am without him. I’ve been a wife for so long, I don’t know how to be just me.”
“You’re a kick-ass designer and are finally getting the recognition you deserve. You’re finally free to work and realize the dream you put on hold.” I can see the anger in her eyes. “I’ll never forgive Mike for being such a selfish dick.”
“He’s the father of my children. I can’t hate him, but right now, I kind of do,” I admit. “I hate that he made me feel like a fool. Not only for being so blind to his lies, but for believing him when he said he wasn’t cheating on me anymore. I doubt he ever even broke things off.”
Just then Gage comes back to our table with Frank and Jamie, all looking more like movie stars than regular guys. Frank and Jamie take the seats next to us, and Jamie watches me intently, which makes me feel as if he thinks I’m a lunatic. I’m growing more anxious for this day to be over so I can hide away in my room until the boys come home from camp this weekend.
“Alexa, I was just telling the guys that you all have to come to the Goodfellas event tonight. Jess will never let me hear the end of it if you don’t. She said she’s asked you a thousand times, but you keep making excuses.”
I look at Lee, who scowls at me, surely because I never mentioned to her we were invited. She loves Jess, probably because they’re both foul-mouthed. “I…We…” Lee’s scowl turns to a frown. “We’d be happy to.” I fold like a deck of cards.
“Great!” Gage’s excitement makes me smile. “It was great meeting you guys. Go on over to the B and B to grab your keys. We gave you the best rooms we have left. See you tonight.”
They all shake hands and I finish off my wine, wanting to get home and go for a run so I can clear my head of all this craziness. Not only do I not want to go to a party, but I especially don’t want to go with Jamie.
“See you guys tonight then,” I say to Frank and Jamie, who look surprised by my quick exit.
Lee stands too, knowing she’s already won the bigger fight, and Jamie and Frank come quickly behind.
“I’ll be by for a run once I get checked in,” Jamie says to me as if we had already made plans.
I look at him in shock. “I wasn’t going to run today,” I lie.
He just looks at me, knowing I’m being stubborn. “See you in half an hour.”
I throw up my hands. I might as well not expect any alone time today, and I’m sure that’s exactly what Lee has planned. She knows how I can get lost in my thoughts when I’m sad.
When Lee slides in next to me, I stare ahead, steaming with anger as I drive away without a look back at the men. “You’re running with us. I shouldn’t be alone with him.”
“Why in the hell not?”
“He’s my ex. Even though it was a lifetime ago, it’s still not right for us to hang out that way together.”
“You’re crazy. I hate running.” She taps my forehead as if she’s trying to knock sense into me. “Stop being worried about what Mike or anyone else will think! Mike left you. It’s not like you’re going on a date—you’re exercising.” Lee pushes at my shoulder playfully. “You need to relax, Alexa. R-e-l-a-x.” She holds her hands in Namaste position on her knees as if she’s meditating.
“You’re coming,” is all I say as I drive down the quiet road, trying to think of anything but Mike and Jamie.
I’m pretty sure Lee stopped running a mile back, but I won’t turn around to check; if I do, Jamie may actually think I’m going to pay attention to him. When he picked me up, I immediately put my earbuds in and walked past him and Lee outside and started to run. I didn’t want to admit that the second my body started to move and I felt the cool sea breeze, I began to come out of my funk. One of the reasons I think Jamie and I always got along so well was because he never pressed me when I was in one of my moods. Although I’m sure the mood he’s seen me in today is one for the record books. I’m just so caught up in the death of my marriage that I feel paralyzed today.
We make a turn to head on the last leg of our run along the peaceful private beach when a message pops on my phone from Jamie. I wonder why the heck he’s texting me when I am right in front of him. I slow my pace slightly when I open the message and see what’s written.
I see there’s some sort of an attachment, and there was a song there and a message that merely says “Listen.”
The text makes me remember the way we used to share songs with each other. It’s one of my favorite memories of our time together, so I decide to do as he asks.
I pick up my pace again when a soft, lullaby-type song begins to play. Another message chimes through.
Jamie: For you
As the words play, I recognize the song. It’s “You Could Be Happy” by Snow Patrol. I turn it up, to listen to the words like I know he expects because it’s been such a long time since I’ve heard it, only to realize how sad it actually is. My feet move quickly under me, trying to get my space from Jamie. This song is too personal and it only makes me confused. Up until now, Jamie has never made me think that he was anything but sorry for hurting me. We both have clearly moved on from each other and realized that although it was tough, our lives turned out how they were supposed to.
I can’t tell if I’m mad, sad, or pissed, but I know I can’t be with Jamie now. I’m sure he knows something’s up with me and Mike, and I’ve kept it from him only because I didn’t want it to effect his work on the restaurants or to look like a failure to him. But now, after hearing this song, I wonder what he’s trying to say. I think back to our nights sharing songs and decide to send one back that will make it clear to him that I’ve interpreted the song as nothing more than a song of well wishes.
I have to slow my pace again, but I don’t care. I type the perfect song into my phone and press Send once I have the attachment linked on the text. It’s a new song that I don’t know well, but think it’s about not being able to really believe the words a loved one is saying. I let it play and listen to it too, as we turn down the street. As “Believe” by Mumford and Sons begins to play, I feel victorious for pulling the perfect song to tell him I don’t know whether he really is as sorry as he says about how he treated me. The more time I spend with him, the more I’m beginning to wonder whether finding me and apologizing was more for him than me. As the song continues to the next verse, I realize that I should have listened to the song more carefully than I had in the past, because it begins to talk about wanting to be back together.
“Shit, shit, shit.” I fumble with my phone, rushing to send a text.
Me: First verse only. Ugh, didn’t listen long enough before I sent it.
It seems like a lifetime for a response.
Jamie: Crushing! LOL
Me: Yeah, something like Sabotage would have been a better choice. LOL
Oh God, this is going about as bad as it can. What the hell am I saying?
When we reach my dad’s driveway, I wish I could just sprint into the house without another word, but that’s impossible. Jamie anticipates my runaway tendencies and hops in front of me in a defensive stance to block me from my hasty exit.
I flip out my earbuds and cross my arms across my chest, looking back behind us for any sign of Lee and trying my best to keep the conversation off my song message. “Do you think we should send a search committee for Lee?” I ask jokingly.
Just then, Lee opens the screen door, holding two large cups of water. “No need. I quit long ago.” She walks down the porch and hands us each a cup of water. “You, my dear, need to get your sweaty butt inside and showered off. We are leaving in an h
our.”
“An hour!” I exclaim. That’s not even close to the amount of time I’d like to have to prepare for Jess’s event. My embarrassment from moments before is quickly replaced with annoyance. “Why are we getting there so early?”
“Um, you’ve been gone two hours. I’m sure people are already arriving.” Lee starts to push me inside and turns back to Jamie. “See you guys in a bit. I’ll be the incredibly sexy woman in red.”
Jamie laughs and waves at what Lee says, but his eyes remain steadily on me. “See you soon.”
My doorbell rings just when I apply my last coat of eyeliner, and I call down for my dad to answer it. I take one last look in the mirror at the black strapless dress I had luckily packed in hopes of using it on a date in the city with Mike while we were here. Although it won’t be as formal as many of the dresses worn tonight, the simple sweetheart neckline and fitted bodice accented with bright green heels will suit me perfect on this humid summer night.
“It’s for you.” Lee looks as if something is wrong.
I walk past her and give her a glare, thinking she’s invited Jamie and Frank here when she knows I’ve had enough of him today. My dad would not take kindly to Jamie being here either, and I know that even more now that Jamie told me my dad turned him away when he tried to find me several years ago. My dad saw me change after Jamie left me, and was always protective of me and my heart.
When I turn the corner of the stairs, I see my dad, arms crossed defensively, in front of a man holding an envelope. I could almost see the steam coming from my dad, making me wonder who this person could possibly be.
“Mrs. Brock? Mrs. Alexa Brock?” the man asks formally.
“That’s me,” I say in a perky voice and walk over to the two of them to put a calming hand on my dad’s shoulder.
“Please sign here.” He holds out a form.
“What is this?” I put my name next to the X on the sheet he’s holding out.
“Have a nice night,” he simply replies, handing me the envelope and walking away.
I shut the door and turn to my dad and Lee, who look as if I’m holding a bomb. “I love getting mail,” I say, trying to lighten the mood as I tear into the envelope. It takes seconds to realize what they both somehow knew.
How could I have been so naïve to think it was just an ordinary letter? I threw the envelope across the room as if it were on fire. “How was he able to do this so quickly? We decided to separate, not divorce!”
I can’t cry. I’m too pissed to cry.
“That bastard! I’m going to cut his balls off!” Lee runs to my side. “We don’t have to go tonight. We can just stay home.”
My dad’s standing by the door, looking as if he’s about to bolt and go hunt Mike down. I walk over to him and give him a hug and fall into his arms when he pulls me in tight. “You be strong,” my dad says, using his mantra in life.
I think of my dad and what he’s been through rather than what’s just happened. “You go on ahead. Tell the others I got sick, and tell Jess I’ll stop by tomorrow.”
“Anything you need, Alexa. Anything.” She hugs me tightly.
“Just don’t get drunk and start spilling everything. Especially to Jamie.” I take off my heels and head back upstairs to change.
“Never,” Lee says and I for once believe her.
It takes less than an hour before I hear another ring at my doorbell and look out the window to see Lee, Jess, and Cam dressed in their gorgeous gowns, standing on my doorstep. “Mother of Hell, that girl is going to lose her best friend badge after this trip,” I say to myself, cursing her the entire way down the stairs.
My dad’s already let them in and is thanking them for coming. He looks at me apologetically. “I’m sorry, honey, but when you came back from Wawa with two gallons of ice cream and a bag of chips, I knew you needed to get out of here. You need women, not me.”
I smile and kiss his cheek, realizing I had Dorito dust on my lips, and laugh. “I love you, Dad.”
Before I can say more, Jess interrupts. “Listen, you get your butt upstairs and dressed because you’re coming to my party. I don’t care if you stay an hour or all night, but I’m not letting you hide away in here. You. Need. Fun.” She looks over at Lee. “Well, fun and lots and lots of drinks, too. But they go hand in hand, right?” She laughs and pushes me up the stairs.
It takes minutes to get me ready this time and we’re out the door and walking into the party before I even have a chance to process what’s happening. The second we walk through the door, I’m flanked by my old friends who are handing me drinks and leading me out to the dance floor. I’m glad Lee hasn’t told them that I was just served divorce papers from Mike, but they all know something’s up with my marriage, and are trying their best to give me no time to think about it. I’ve only caught glimpses of Jamie in the short time I’ve been here; he’s spent most of his time by the bar chatting it up with a flock of girls, much the same as the first night I saw him again. I’m glad that he at least didn’t take my text blunder seriously and is comfortable enough around me to flirt the way he is, but the least he could have done is come and say hi.
After few glasses of champagne and endless dancing, I actually start to have fun. I’ve forgotten how much fun Jess, Kat and Cam are, and having men who look as good as Joey, Gage, and Holden to innocently flirt with has helped eased the insecurity that’s plagued me tonight. Just watching them with their wives also gives me hope that I can one day be happy again like they’ve all been able to do.
When there’s a pause between songs, I take an opportunity to run to the bar to mix some water in with all the champagne I’ve been drinking. I’m beginning to feel a little tipsy, and don’t want to feel like I’ve been in a car crash tomorrow. I’ve never been a heavy drinker, enjoying a few glasses of wine here and there, but the more I drank tonight, the more it feels as if my worries are washing away. As I approach the bar, I’m reminded that Jamie’s here when I’m forced to stand behind him as he orders a drink, with a woman’s arm caressing his back almost mockingly.
Jamie turns around with a water in his hand and immediately hands it to me. “I was getting this for you.” He smiles sweetly, pissing me off that he’s doing anything for me with another woman all over him. I know I shouldn’t care.
But. I. Do.
I grab the water and hold it up to him in thanks, instead of saying any words, because if I open my mouth, it will be to tell him off. I know my emotions are being fueled by alcohol and decide to cut myself off before I do or say something I regret. I bounce out to the dance floor, doing my best to get back to my mood from moments before when the song abruptly changes.
Just then, I hear Lee curse. “Shit, I told him to stay away from her tonight.” I follow Jess and Lee’s gaze behind me to see Jamie approach us with determination. It’s then that I realize he’s the reason the song changed when “Believe” by Mumford and Sons begins to play.
“Fuck,” is all I say when he stalks up to me, takes my hand and dances with me to the slow beat of the song.
He doesn’t say anything as he presses his hand against my lower back and slips his fingers through mine to lead me across the floor and away from everyone else. He just looks at me. He looks at me so intensely, I feel it in every part of my body.
His gaze is too penetrating for me and I try to pull away. He reacts by pulling me in closer. “It’s getting to my favorite part,” he says when the song picks up its beat and he twirls me around in a circle. I smile at the sensation it gives me. This moment is so surreal, I actually feel as if I’m in one of those teen movies.
“I told you I only liked the first part,” I say playfully, although I want to make clear that it truly was a mistake to send him the song as a way to speak for me like we always used to.
“I know you do,” he says dismissively. “But I’ve really started to love this song. I can’t stop listening to it.” I can tell he’s just egging me on to get a rise out of me.
“You suck at dancing,” I say, trying to do anything but look up at him. My heart’s too delicate and my wits are too fogged to trust myself with him this way. Any woman in his arms would be vulnerable.
“Really?” He laughs as he expertly moves our bodies together to the fast-paced song and sings along like he’s singing the words to me.
I stop us in our tracks. “We can’t do this.” I push away from him and walk as quickly as I can to the back patio and hightail it down to the beach.
When I hear Jess and Lee call after me, I hold up my hand to keep them away. I’m not pissed at anyone but myself right now. I’m pissed that I liked how it felt to be in Jamie’s arms again. I’m pissed that looking at his scruffy, masculine face singing to me made me feel that dead piece of my heart that he destroyed spark back to life. I shouldn’t have gone to the party in the first place. All of this is completely irresponsible and inappropriate.
I kick off my shoes and begin the two-mile jog down the beach to my dad’s house. This shorter cocktail dress makes it easy to keep a strong pace, and the run helps to clear my head of what I just let happen. The guilt is overwhelming when I remember what I felt dancing with Jamie. I’m pathetic, simply pathetic, to let any man get to me, especially one like Jamie who has done the things he’s done to me. My embarrassment grows as I think of the way all the women were hanging all over him and how I had let myself think for a moment that his decision to dance with me was anything but a pity party. He made no attempt to even say hello to me until the night was almost over. Even though I heard Lee say she told him to keep his distance from me tonight, he could have said or done something to let me know I was just as important to him as those strangers. Hell, he knew I was upset about something since I didn’t show up with Lee, and knew it had to be more than what happened at the gallery for me to flake the way I did. He must think I’m a complete basket case with the way I’ve been behaving today, and will surely be keeping his distance from me—with or without a warning from Lee.