He looked me in the eyes when we reached our peak together, and it was more than words could ever say. It was as if he was giving me a part of him, so much more than the fervent experience that brought us together. “I will always love you. There will never be anyone but you.” He kissed me again, this time much softer and caring.
We made love all day and lounged in each other’s arms, playing songs for each other that could say what we were thinking. We had no way of knowing that it would be the last time we were together that way, but looking back at it now, I can see that it was if Jamie somehow knew our lives were about to change after that day. Maybe it was coincidence; maybe it was meant to be. But Jamie always had a way of sensing when the tides were about to change.
I’ve waited years to see her face again and it was finally here. I’d hoped Mike was going to bring Lex to this party, and he finally didn’t disappoint. I had been to several other events that I knew Mike would be attending, but he never brought Lex. I soon realized why. The way he openly flirted and teased all the women in the room filled me with such anger at his blatant disrespect for his wife, it took everything in me not to pummel him and make sure he never hurt Lex again. But I didn’t. I quickly learned about the dangerous circle Mike ran with, and the shady business dealings he was involved in made me worry for Lex and her boys. I know what men like he was dealing with were like, and if Mike couldn’t live up to his end of whatever deal he had going with these billionaire thugs, they’d stop at nothing to destroy his life before ending it.
I didn’t have proof that Mike was cheating on his wife; he just seemed like a flirtatious prick, and maybe that was something that didn’t ever bother Lex. I remember her always able to keep her cool when girls flirted with me back in college, too secure in my love for her to care. I hoped I didn’t destroy that side of her when I betrayed that trust, and she was able to be the same with her husband given his inappropriate disposition. It makes me happy for her that she seemed to have the family she always wanted, but I wondered why she never followed her dream of photography. I hope she at least still does it for fun.
When I first started to look for Lex about twelve years ago, I had a glimmer of hope that I may still have a chance to get her back and make up for the horrible mistakes I made. But when I found her dad and asked about her, he told me she was engaged and had moved on. She was going to have her dream of being a wife, and my dream of being able to call her my wife like I promised was snuffed out. He made it clear that entering her life again would only bring her pain and confusion. I could hear the hate in her father’s words, and it confirmed the fear I have always had: that I left a hole in Lex’s heart that still throbbed with pain. So I swallowed my hope and decided he was right, and tried to move on and find someone to share my life with, too, because there would be no possibility that Lex would be mine again.
I’ve gone from woman to woman, searching for a match that fit as perfectly as Lex, but none have come close.
After time, I realized I still couldn’t let her go.
My heart was tethered to hers.
I buried myself in my dad’s business, taking it from a small-town pub into a world-renowned gastropub, expanding to a larger restaurant in Dublin, where I gained my fortune. I worked day and night to build a company and market products that produced an empire in a matter of a few short years. I had more money than I knew what to do with, but none of it mattered without Lex.
A few years ago, Frank told me about a property in a trendy part of Brooklyn that was for sale and thought it was the perfect place to expand my brand to America. He was the brother of one of the few people I reconnected with from college and instantly became like a brother to me once we started to work together. His honesty and straightforward attitude were just what I needed when dealing with the crass businessmen I came across in America. I still think of myself as an artist at heart, who got caught up in trying to fulfill my dad’s last wish that I continue with the family business. It still makes me smile when I think of how he would react if he was here to witness everything. He would just sit back in his chair, smoking his pipe, and tug at his beard contemplatively. “Do we really need to expand to America? You’ve done well enough,” he’d say, all the while pushing down his pride at what I’ve accomplished. He’d save the bragging and praise to share with his friends out of reach of my ears, but known in my heart.
I thought of Lex every day I was in Brooklyn. Being in America only reignited my desire to see her again, and I wasn’t going to let her father’s words stop me this time. I didn’t want to see her to win her back anymore. That wasn’t possible. I knew she was probably married by then, and even may have had a child. But the nagging tug at my heart began to become unavoidable and I needed to see her with my own eyes and know she was okay.
I was able to find out Lex had moved all the way to California from one of her hometown friends who went to NYU with us. With the success of the Brooklyn location and another one we set up in Manhattan, it was easy to subtly bring up the option of expanding to California. The Asian-inspired fusion cuisine that our chefs had been developing would be the perfect match for the Southern California lifestyle. When I told Frank I wanted to name this chain Rising Moon, he thought it fit perfectly, completely unaware of its meaning to me. When I was in high school, falling head over heels in love with this girl who completely stole my heart and occupied my mind, I would tell her to look at the moon and know that I’m looking at the same moon. It was a way to make us seem closer than we were. There were many nights in Ireland when I couldn’t bear to look up in the night sky, keeping the moon hidden from my heart because the pain of knowing she would no longer look up at it and feel close to me was too painful. But now, with the prospect of seeing her and getting closure on our relationship that I ended so abruptly, the moon could rise for me again.
Frank never got my artsy side, so I never tried to explain my thoughts about things to him; he didn’t care much for the emotion behind the things I did, even though my emotions were the driving force behind everything I did. My dad always said I got my whimsical side from my mother, and it’s something I hold on to tightly. Unfortunately, I’ve also inherited my dad’s stubborn side and the combination of the two has left me unable to let Lex go. I keep telling myself I only wanted to see her to get closure. To know she has everything she ever wanted and to know how sorry I am for how I left.
It’s a lie.
So when I decided to expand further west to California, and decided on a property to build on, I learned about Mike’s company and also the financial trouble he was having after a hotel deal went under with the Paulson Group. I decided to choose him to take on our project, much to the frustration of Frank. He knew nothing about my past with Lex, or with my reason for choosing Mike’s company other than wanting to give him a chance. His work spoke for itself. Anything he had done, he did well. It seemed as though he just got himself in over his head with a group of assholes who promised him millions and took him for almost everything he was worth.
It was my way of helping Lex, even if she’d never know it.
Now, standing here in the same place as she is for the first time in fifteen years, pretending to listen to the people around me talk about their favorite foods and their opinions about how I should design my restaurants, I can do nothing but watch her silhouette in the sunset as she stood alone, staring out into the wilderness around her. I wonder what she’s thinking about. I wonder whether she’s happy or sad. My breath is taken away when she turns around and I see her face for the first time in fifteen years. It looks just as it did when I walked out the door the night I learned my dad was sick.
She is smiling, but the sadness behind her smile is impossible to ignore. Just as quickly as her husband was at her side, ushering her over to Frank and Tommy to have her to play the role of wife and charm prospective clients, he was gone. It was a last-minute decision to ask her to take over the design of Rising Moon, but when I learned about the work she’s done o
n other projects, I didn’t think and just told Frank I wanted her to be the designer for our restaurant. I made up an excuse that it would make for a smoother process rather than admit my irrational and impulsive excitement at actually being able to start a friendship with her considering all other possibilities were impossible.
Watching her smile brighten and some of her sadness disappear when she laughs along with Frank and Tommy makes me realize that I may have signed myself up for more than I bargained for. I’ve always been good at shutting down my emotions when I needed to, but I underestimated Lex’s superhuman ability to knock down that wall with only a glance.
I turn around when the crowd around me begins to laugh as Tommy joins us and Lex’s gaze follows the noise toward me. I’m not ready to face her, not yet. I need a few minutes to regain my composure. I tell a story about my dad’s pub that always has everyone in stitches, trying to reestablish my confidence that’s always come natural to me, but seems to falter with fear and doubt. It’s going to be harder to be around Lex, knowing she’ll never be mine, than I thought. Up until now, I thought just knowing she’s alright would be enough.
It isn’t.
I take a deep breath and gain the courage to use this opportunity to approach her, when I see Mike occupied with some blonde in the corner. I don’t want the first time I see her again to be with Mike standing there. I’ve wanted to make this all seem like a coincidence, at least to him, because I know Lex may know better. I excuse myself from the group and turn to face the moment I’ve hoped far too long for, just to see her being dragged out the door hastily by her husband. I’m unsure why he’s so anxious to make her leave so suddenly, but when I see the group of men enter from the back patio, I have my suspicions. It was Paul and Mark Paulson from the Paulson Group. They’re watching Mike like a hawk as he starts to swiftly move his wife toward the door.
I turn back to the group; the moment has been lost. But then I feel as though I’ve been touched by an angel. A sensation so powerful passes through me that I turn around to see Lex just inches away from me and realize she must have recognized me and wanted to know for sure. Just the thought that she’d make a move to see whether it was really me fills me with excitement. But as quickly as she was within my reach, Mike is hastily pulling her away again, unaware of our draw to each other. I’m not sure what comes over me when I start to quickly move out of the circle of people and call out for Lex in desperation. A spark lights in my dead heart when I hear her calling my name back with confused elation and our eyes meet in fantastic awe. Before I can make my way to her, Mike has her out the door and in the car alone, while he stays behind.
For a moment, I think it’s the perfect opportunity to go after her. Mike’s still here, and she is surely confused about how I could’ve possibly been here in California. Just as I’m about to bust out the door, I notice Mark and Paul Paulson and two other troublesome-looking men encircle Mike. I can see the worry on Mike’s face as the men are intimidatingly close to him; their faces do not match the words that seem to make Mike increasingly troubled. Instead, I grab Tommy and Frank, without saying a word, and interrupt the circle.
“Mike, it’s great to see you,” I say with a smile, while holding my body tall and confident. My intimidating stature and broad build is every bit as menacing as any of these thugs. Tommy and Frank sense the tense atmosphere and introduce themselves to the Paulsons, trying to defuse whatever we just walked into.
“Good to see you could make it, C.J.,” Mike answers with relief obvious in his tone.
I eye the Paulsons carefully. “I hate to interrupt, but do you have a minute to talk about the San Diego location you’re building for me? I’ll be heading back to New York, then Ireland tomorrow and want to go over a few details before I leave.”
I’m doing my best to make it clear to these men who clearly have a bone to pick with Mike that he’s still in business.
“Of course.” Mike looks to the curious men. “If you’ll excuse me, business calls.”
I watch as Tommy invites the four men out back for a drink and take the opportunity to instruct Frank to find out as much as they can about these guys, and what their beef with Mike is. I wanted to know whether it was business or personal.
I turn back to Mike, who’s leaning against the wall and downing his entire glass of whiskey, flushed and clearly flustered. I reach out my hand to his again. “It’s nice to finally meet you in person.” I try to figure out the best way to tell him who I really am. We’ve done our business on the phone up until now, and in order for me to be able to make this work, I have to be as honest as I can without giving away my true motives.
Mike reaches out to me, turning back into the charismatic person I have come to realize he was. “I can honestly say I’ve never been happier to meet you than right now.” He laughs to himself, unaware I know exactly why he’s feeling that way, and knowing how quickly that may change.
I decide playing dumb is best and motion over to the door. “Was that your wife you were just with?”
“Oh God, no, just some girl from the office who won’t take no for an answer.” He pats my shoulder, which makes me cringe. “I like my women with a little more to offer than big tits.”
I fake a laugh and nod, glad to see at least he wasn’t flaunting an affair in front of Lex. “No, I mean the one who you brought outside.”
“Oh yes, that’s my old lady, Alexa.” He laughs and again pats my shoulder like I’m one of the good ole boys. Little does he know that I almost knocked him out with that disrespectful reference. Lex deserves to be cherished, not treated like a joke. “She’s the interior designer I talked to you about. Frank said you’ve decided to go with her. That’s fantastic; it will get her out of my hair. Ha.” When he takes a drink from his glass, it takes all my self-control not to knock it away.
There he goes again with the laugh and pat. I’m. Going. To. Explode.
Thankfully, he’s too drunk to realize how pissed he’s making me. “She’s very talented, and when I looked over her portfolio and saw her wide range of style, I thought there wasn’t another person with her talent that I’ve ever come across and have no doubt she’s who I want to project the feeling and ambiance that I want to create with Rising Moon—”
He interrupts me, leaning into me, and slapping his arm over my shoulder, either to hold himself up or to show his appreciation, but the smell of alcohol permeating from his skin is sickening. “That’s fantastic. She’ll knock your socks off. You won’t regret it.”
“There’s something you need to know first. Something I didn’t realize until tonight,” I lie.
“You don’t have to be so dramatic,” he jokes, bumping me with his elbow and thankfully removing his arm from my shoulder. “What is it?” he asks with another slur.
“My name wasn’t always C.J. Those are my initials.” For some reason, a sense of strength comes over me when I say the next words for the first time in years. “My name is Jamie McCullen and I used to be in love with your wife.” I knew the last part was a lie because all I could think was that my love for her was still as powerful as it has ever been.
My words clearly shock him as he staggers back. He clearly knows who I am, making me wonder just how much he knew about me and what I did. “I see.” He finishes off his drink, stares into the glass for a moment, and then, as if a revelation comes over him, he shrugs and looks up at me with a smile. “Jesus, man, what are the chances?” he says and I can see the man I’m sure he truly is peek through the drunken mess before me. “I don’t know if she’ll be cool with her part in the deal. You fucked her over pretty good.” Hearing him say those words is like a hot blade tearing my veins apart, bleeding me out. “But I’m good if you’re good.”
I know Mike needs my business more than he’s going to allow his pride interfere and I am taking full advantage of that. “Is it alright if you don’t say anything to her until I’ve had a chance to talk with her?” I decide to take advantage of his clouded state and deci
de inflating his ego is the best way to get what I want. “I’m afraid she’s going to try to talk you out of taking on my project, and I can’t afford that. We chose you because you are the best. You have an impeccable reputation where I’m from, and I want the best. I’m always traveling back and forth between my locations, and most of the West Coast work will be handled by Frank and Tommy anyway,” I lie, knowing very well I’ve adjusted my schedule to be here three weeks out of every month.
Mike falls for my suggestion hook, line, and sinker. “Whatever you want. Although I think you underestimate my wife and her ability to move on.” He laughs a little again. “I think your perception of how my wife felt when you ran away and the reality of how you felt when you ran away are vastly different.” His look turns hard for the first time. “She was over you pretty quickly once I came along. I don’t think she’d give a shit I was working with you, and even though you fucked her over, she doesn’t give a shit about that anymore either.” He laughs again, contradicting what he said about her feeling about what happened between us and holds up his glass. “Good chat, Jamie.” He emphasizes my name and stumbles away. All the while, I think I’ll need to remind him that it’s C.J. to him.
I understand his need to mark his territory by constantly referring to Lex as his wife, but it still pisses me off. I begin to doubt that I’ve made the right decision and contemplate doing as I said and letting Frank and Tommy take over the Rising Moon construction dealings. But I see something that changes everything for me. Right then, in front of all the people who were just pretending to be Lex’s friend, Mike flounders up to another woman. She’s a beautiful, sophisticated blonde woman who just arrived. At first I think it’s just an acquaintance, but as I watch him and notice the intimate way they lean into each other, my suspicions are confirmed, and she kisses his lips as if it’s the most natural thing in the world.