I’ll destroy him, I think to myself.
I can’t ever expect to have Lex back, but when everything’s said and done, I’ll find a way to make sure he and the shit he brings with him is out of her life forever.
“Your da is sick, Jamie. Very sick. You need to come home.” My Aunt Maggie’s voice broke into tears as she told me the devastating news. I felt as if I’d just been hit by a freight train of my worst nightmares.
I immediately think of Lex and what she’d told me about her mother’s battle with cancer and stiffen. My body shuts down at the thought of watching my dad die in front of me.
I. Can’t. Lose. Him. Too.
Everything else was a blur. I noticed Lex was running around the apartment, making phone calls, and hopping on the computer, but I couldn’t make sense of what was happening to me. I could only think of getting back to my dad. I shoved everything I could put my hands on into a duffel bag and focused on my one goal. I don’t know what I would have done without Lex there to hold me together. She took care of everything: got me a ticket, took me to the airport, helped me pack, all without ever thinking about the way I had already started to push her away and close myself off. When she told me she would drop everything for me and follow me to my dad, I couldn’t let her. I didn’t want her to go through that kind of sadness again. Even though she’d never met my dad, she loved him because he was part of me. It would pain her too much to see me watching my dad die and be left an orphan. No, I couldn’t put her through that.
I wouldn’t put her through that.
So she let me go.
The entire plane ride, I sat in a row, all alone at the back of the near empty plane, and cried for the first time since I was a child. I wasn’t a crier. When my mom passed, I became a professional at shutting it all down, but tonight was the first time, and last, that I’d let my sadness take me over. The thing is, I wasn’t only mourning my father, but a part of me knew that when I kissed Lex before I got on the plane, it would be our last. I pulled my hood over my head and looked out to the night sky. A part of me wished I could be taken away from the crushing pain I was feeling. I hated that suffocating feeling of losing control. I took a few deep breaths, and with each inhale, felt the doors around my heart lock shut, protecting me from feeling the blows of loss I know are to come.
When I arrived to my dad’s bedside in the hospital, he was much worse off than I imagined. He was asleep in a small hospital bed and looked gray, like death. The doctors told me my dad admitted to feeling sick for a while now, but never went to the doctor, even though the daily pain he was experiencing was too powerful for him to hide from those he worked with. He looked as if he’d lost fifty plus pounds since I saw him in the summer. I cursed myself for not being here. It took him falling unconscious for people to force him to go to the doctor. If I were there, I would have noticed he wasn’t eating. He wouldn’t have been able to fool me the way he was the others and have been able to hide his pain for so long.
Guilt—lock.
Regret—lock.
Anger—lock.
My heart was shutting off from any emotion when I watched him lying there, struggling to breathe and looking dead already. I would never see the dad I knew—the strong, stubborn man I grew up with—ever again and that knowledge shut me down completely.
Day turned into night, weeks to months, as I watched my dad suffer bravely, never letting my sadness to creep to the surface. He was given days, maybe a week to live when I arrived, but it’s been a little over two months and each day was impossibly worse than the next. There was nothing anyone could do but sit and watch him suffer. I talked to Lex daily in the beginning, and it was the best part of my day. But the more time that went by and the more she promised to visit, the more I pushed her away. Her life was in America and I was beginning to realize that my life needed to be in Ireland now.
One cold winter day, my dad was in better spirits than I’d seen him in since I arrived. When I walked into his hospital room with my usual cup of coffee, he was sitting up a little and smiled through his scruffy beard. “Aye, that sure smells nice, lad.”
My heart burst with excitement. Had my prayers been answered? He looked as if a miracle occurred and his battered expression looked light and alive. I ran to his side. “Do you want me to get you some? Tea perhaps?” I shook and felt emotions for the first time since I arrived.
He laughed; nothing had ever sounded more beautiful in this world. He patted the space next to him. “No, I just like how it smells.”
I sat next to him and noticed he was taking shallow breaths; I tried to adjust his pillows. “Can I help you get more comfortable?”
My dad laughed again and held his hand up, placing it on my hand. “I’m fine, Jamie.” He looked out the window to the snow-covered hills that surrounded the hospital. “I need to ask you something.” He took a deep, labored breath. “When your mom died, I promised her I would take care of the pub. She wanted it for you. It’s a piece of her. Her family.” He squeezed my hand. “You see my promise through for me, will you? Make your mom’s last wish come true. That’s all I ask of you.”
“Anything you want, Dad. Anything.” I locked down my sadness at what that promise meant for my happiness.
My dad looked back out the window whimsically. “I had the most amazing dream today.” His face is so peaceful and happy that I wanted whatever dream he had to be the only thing he thinks of for the rest of his short life. I wanted to do anything that he asked.
“Tell me about it.” I stroked his hand lovingly.
His voice was weak and frail, but the words were strong and powerful. “I was with your mom. You were there and so were two girls who I know to be your daughters. They were playing in the waves with your mom, laughing and singing while you looked on with someone in your arms. We were all so happy. There was so much love.”
I froze and stared in disbelief as he relayed the same dream to me that Lex had just days before I left. He misunderstood my reactions and shook his head. “Listen to me talk this way. I’m growin’ soft.” His eyes looked to me and his honesty was pure. “I’m ready, Jamie. I’m ready to be with her again. I’m sorry I couldn’t’ve lasted longer for you, but the good Lord is calling me to go be with my love. You’ll be okay.”
I nodded. If I spoke, I wouldn’t be able to hold back the tears.
“Grab those cards and play some poker with me. Nothing makes me feel better than whipping your ass.” He coughed through his words and I knew I had to take advantage of this sudden charge of energy he had this morning.
“Easy, old man. I’ve been practicing.”
We played one game before he got tired and took a nap. He told me he loved me when I left, and I did the same.
When I went home that day, I planned to tell Lex about the dream he had, and how it was just like the one she told me about. But when I heard her voice, something in me turned off. I told her I wasn’t ever coming back to America. I told her I didn’t want her to quit school to be with me. I stopped short of completely breaking things off with her, but I knew in my heart I was just too much of a pussy to hear her beg me to take her back. I told her things I promised myself I never would and hated myself for saying those things. Each word that came out of my mouth locked the wall around my heart so tightly closed that there would be no chance I would let myself feel the kind of uncontrollable love I felt for her again. When I hung up that night, I knew it would be the last time I would hear her voice.
When I arrived back to my dad’s room at dinner time, he was gone. And so was my heart. The pain of losing both my parents made me feel so empty, I never wanted to experience that kind of pain again.
Ever.
Loving that way only led to pain.
I made the decision in that moment, looking at my dad’s lifeless body, that I never wanted to love again. And like a complete fool, I believed I had any control over my choice to love. The next day I called Lex and left a message to completely break things off with her.
If I ever saw her or spoke to her again, I would only wind up bringing her pain, because I’d started to believe that everything and everyone I truly loved would be taken from me too.
It was easier at first to shut her out completely, and erase all of her from my life. I changed my phone number, cut off all contact from friends back at NYU, and even changed the name and address of my dad’s pub to Hidden Moon, once I expanded the location to breach the corner onto another street. One of the benefits of living in a small country town.
With everything I did to keep Lex away, she either gave up or got the picture, and all signs of her were erased from my life.
Over the next several years, the more I pushed my memories and feelings away and tried to ignore the one part of my heart that had been saved by my one love, the more I realized that that one love was the only thing that would ever be able to bring me back to life again.
I was surprised when I realize that the gym I was recommended happened to be the same place where Lex goes. She doesn’t seem to notice me when I arrive and is busy talking to two other women, who I assume are her close friends with the comfortable way they talk with each other. It makes me smile to see Lex in a NYU shirt that is far too large for her small frame, while her friends are dressed in the latest workout wear, probably from one of the latest movie star’s line. Lex has never cared about that kind of thing and it makes me smile that she still doesn’t. I decide that I’ll try to avoid her during class when we break off into groups, but when I hear a loud thump and gasps through the room, all my plans go out the window.
I leap off my treadmill and run over to Lex, helping her off the floor. I didn’t see what happened, but the look on her face makes me laugh a little to myself.
“Jesus, Lex, are you alright?”
I feel her flinch at my touch, but she doesn’t look my way. She knows it’s me. I have no doubt, but she looks ahead and ignores my question as if I am as dead to her as I made myself out to be, and only speaks to the coach who has come to her side, while her friends eye me curiously.
She hates me.
But I’m not quitting.
Quitting got me nowhere.
I go back to my treadmill, keeping an eye on her to make sure she’s really alright and notice she’s limping a little, too prideful and stubborn to just admit she’s hurt and go get herself checked out. The entire workout, I’m considering sweeping her in my arms and out of here to the doctor instead of letting her hurt herself even further, but instead watch her. She’s most likely a live wire right now, and I know what happens when I interfere with her when she’s this way.
I call after her when she runs out of the class before we even finish our last stretch, but she ignores me again, pretending to talk on her phone. I’m immediately swarmed with her two friends quizzing me about who I am and where I’m from. I decide not to tell them everything; I need to talk to Lex first.
I needed to get away from them as soon as I can. They’re like piranhas of my brain, throwing questions at me left and right, trying to scavenge any information they can in the shortest amount of time. I politely excuse myself and get into my car, planning a way to see Lex again, when I remember she has a meeting with Frank tonight. I wasn’t planning to attend this meeting; I want Lex to feel comfortable about working with my company. I knew she realized that Mike and I were business partners after seeing me at the party and am relieved that she still hasn’t pulled out of her side of the job because of it. I’d counted on her stubbornness and pride keeping her on the job, and she didn’t disappoint, which amuses me. I know she’s never liked to be the one to fold. It excited me a little that we both know we will be seeing each other again soon after all these years, even though she made it pretty clear today that her intentions in keeping the job are far different than my hopes.
When she hightails it out of the meeting the second I walk through the door, I decide not to let her go so easy this time. I was pissed at Tommy for making me late by getting too wasted playing golf, and I’ll be damned if I miss my opportunity altogether.
I. Have. To. Talk. To. Her.
When I see her sitting in the candlelit, rustic room after I crash her dinner, I lose my breath. Her long brown curls are hanging off her shoulders in a way that makes me think of the way they feel twisted around my fingers. I don’t push away my feelings for her the way I’ve tried before; instead I take a moment to admire the way her dimple lights up her entire face when she smiles at something her friend just said. When her eyes meet mine, it’s as if I’m breathing for the first time in my life. I know she’s frustrated that I’m here, but I’m not going to let that matter. I’m going to show her that we can be friends. I know it’s the only way I’ll be able to gain back her trust.
If she’s trying to act like she’s not uncomfortable or flustered by me, she’s failing miserably. I sit at the table with Frank and Lee flirting their asses off, and take her dismissive glances and veiled remarks, all the while reveling in the beautiful, strong woman she’s become. There’s a confidence to her that has quite simply made her irresistable. I want nothing more than to reach over to her and feel her soft, sassy lips and make her mine again.
But she’s not mine to take.
Just the thought that she’s in a marriage with a man like Mike makes me feel guilty. Lex has lost that spark in her eyes that used to drive me wild. Her sadness is undeniable and I know her attitude isn’t just because of me. If I’ve been able to discover Mike’s shady ways in such a short time, she’s sure to know something is up. As much as I want to tell her just exactly how horrible her husband is for her, I can’t and I won’t. She needs to learn for herself, and perhaps she’s beginning to.
I feel successful when I get home from dinner and she’s at least spoken to me. She doesn’t want to talk about the past and that’s fine with me for now. One thing I’m certain of: my feelings for her haven’t changed. They’re as real as they’ve ever been.
I spend the next few months while we plan for the groundbreaking to slowly gain back Lex’s trust and even begin to repair our friendship. Her cutting remarks have softened and turned to sarcastic banter, which is more like the Lex I know. She’s changed and matured in many ways, but is the same in all the ways that matter to me. Her creativity and love for beauty is something I didn’t realize I missed until we were poring over art samples for the restaurants.
“I love this picture, don’t you?” She’s leaning over a black-and-white portrait of a woman’s face looking out the the sea. I have a hard time focusing on anything but her right now, so I nod and agree with everything’s she saying. She has turned me into a complete fool and I don’t care. The way her sandy brown hair hangs over her rosy cheeks makes me want to reach out and push it behind her ears like I would’ve done long ago.
But I don’t.
“It’s breathtaking,” I say, not talking about the picture.
She looks up at me with a sideways smile as if she’s reading my mind, and talks more about the portrait she’s been trying to explain to me. “This is the look I’ve been wanting. There such a sense of longing and peace that it conjures a feeling of comfort in me.” She shakes her head and giggles in the most alluring way. “I probably sound crazy.” She blushes, making me dig my fingers into the table to keep myself from jumping across it just to feel her skin on mine again. “What I’m saying is that people eat more when they’re comfortable. We’re at the beach, so I think a black-and-white tone paired with filtered photographs of people, rather than objects, would add a homey feel that people enjoy.”
I smile at her and sit back in my seat in admiration, not trying to hide the desire building in my heart. “It’s not crazy at all; it’s perfect. Kind of like you.” I immediately curse my brazenness when she nervously looks away and shuffles the pictures in her hands. I sit up and try to backtrack, not wanting to lose the ground I’ve worked so hard to make with her. I have to be better at keeping these feelings from her if I don’t want to push her away. “I mean, you’
re perfect for this job. Your vision matches mine.”
She smiles dismissively, wanting to move on as much as I do. “I have a few other photographers that I’m waiting for samples from, but if you like the plan about portraits instead of landscapes, I can get a more focused set of samples for you to look over.”
I nod, trying to reestablish the boundary I clearly crossed. I’ve been the master of keeping everything professionally focused since she told me she didn’t want or expect an apology or explanation from me. The time will come that I’ll make her listen, but we’re nowhere close to that yet. “Sounds great, Lex. I’m heading back to the East Coast tomorrow and will be gone for a week. If you need anything while I’m gone, just let Frank know.”
She nods and gathers up her work, and I catch her watching me in the mirror on the wall when my back is turned as I reach for a card with my cell number on it. My heart begins to pick up pace to a rate that makes me unable to hide my smile with the hope that simmers below. “Have a safe trip,” she says when she catches my gaze and giggles to herself, knowing she’s been caught.
We both ignore what we know, and I hold out my hand to give her my card. “It has my cell on it…” I pause when she raises an eyebrow. “You know, in case you need my opinion on anything.”
“Are you sure it’s going to work if I call it?” Her joke hits below the belt; she quickly realizes it and takes the card and puts it in her purse. “Thanks, Jamie. I don’t expect any serious design emergencies in a week, but you never know, I may need your approval if there’s a last-minute blow-out sale on fabric.”
“See you next week, then.” I wish there was some way I could convince her to come.
“See ya.”
I don’t miss the hint of sadness in her eyes when her gaze lingers on mine before she walks out.