Friend. Friend.
Is that what I am to her? Is there any other option?
I came into this with intentions of being something different. Her teacher. Her advisor. Her guide.
But then…then I wanted to be something else. Her friend, yes, but unconsciously, I thought that I would mean more. Something deeper.
Her lover.
I wanted to be this woman’s lover. This married woman’s lover.
As jaded and selfish and all–around fucked up as it makes me, it’s what I want. And even knowing that this could never be, I still want that illusion. I want to dig my heart out with a teaspoon and set it aflame, when I can clearly see how it will destroy me. That this woman—this delicate little dove—will destroy me.
“We are.” It’s all I can say without giving way to my true feelings. Without analyzing all the coulda-shoulda-wouldas that currently run through my head.
I squeeze the side of her arm and look back at the TV. Joey is officiating, and he tells Monica and Chandler to kiss once more. I laugh. Because that’s what a friend would do.
SEX, LIES, VIDEO TAPE AND PREGNANCY RUMORS?
Upper East Side socialite, Evan Carr, was caught with another woman while leaving a secluded clinic in Hoboken yesterday, dressed in plain clothing, a baseball cap and dark shades. The woman, also dressed similarly, appears to be the same woman from the sex tape that surfaced a week ago.
Rumors of infidelity are nothing new for the 29-year-old Manhattan playboy, and sources say that the woman in the tape and photographs is actually wife Allison Elliot-Carr’s best friend, Kelsie van Weiss. Kelsie and Allison both attended St. Mary’s Prep and even studied at Columbia together. According to sources close to the couple, Allison has indeed left their penthouse home in the city and has checked into a treatment facility for an addiction to painkillers, sparked by the cheating fallout. No word on which center at this time, but stay tuned for the latest breaking news…
I read the story again. Then again, hoping that I’ve misread. I mean, it’s the internet. Shit gets twisted, turned around and lost in translation. This can’t be correct. So what if I’m still basking in the rose-colored haze left behind by Ally’s presence last night. Something this awful, this disgusting, this hurtful can’t happen to her. Not even a prick like Evan could stoop that low.
I close the Google alert on my phone and scroll to my contacts. Heidi picks up on the first ring.
“I’m on it, Drake,” she snaps over the blaring sounds of car horns and shouting food vendors.
“Tell me this shit isn’t true.”
“What? You read Page Six, right? It’s all over E! and TMZ.”
“I know.” I silently scold myself for giving Evan too much credit. Of course, he would be that vile. It’s his true nature. That’s what happens when two ain’t-shit people procreate. They birth ain’t-shit kids that grow up to be ain’t-shit husbands.
“Like I said, I’m on it. We’ve already leaked check-in information for Mrs. Carr. Even some photos of her enjoying a massage and a facial that we pulled from your security. Everything will check out on her end. As for Evan…nothing we can do there.”
“And you ensured the header is displayed on the documents?” For tax purposes, Oasis is technically an ultra-exclusive spa. Few people know it exists, and even fewer actually know its location. The pap wouldn’t even know where to look.
“Yes, of course, Justice. This isn’t my first rodeo, you know.”
“Could’ve fooled me.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Heidi asks, annoyance in her voice. When it comes to business, Heidi is about as no-nonsense as it gets. She isn’t challenged often– she has no reason to be. Her reputation speaks for itself.
I pinch the bridge of my nose, feeling a migraine digging its way from my eyelids to my temples. Definitely not the way I had planned to spend my Saturday morning. “I thought I asked you to have someone on Evan?”
“And I did! We can’t monitor his every move, Justice. I actually have other clients, you know.”
“I don’t give a damn about your other clients, Heidi. Take care of this.” Knocking resonates from the front door, and I jump to my feet, anxious and irritated. “Look, fix this shit. The last thing Ally needs is bullshit addiction rumors. Do whatever you need to do.” End.
I stalk to the front door, my patience diminishing with each step. Too preoccupied, I yank it open without bothering to look out the peephole.
Ally’s gaze sweeps my frame, eyes wide with curious delight, and those red locks illuminated by the bright morning sun. She’s dressed in jeans, a green silk camisole and a purple cardigan, more casual than I’ve ever seen her. However, I’m less than decent in soft flannel pajama pants…and nothing else.
“Well, good morning,” she smiles slyly, sliding through the door, her shoulder grazing mine. She’s holding a brown paper sack and goes straight to the kitchen to set it down. She’s comfortable here. She’s comfortable with me.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, quickly closing the door, but not before checking to make sure no one followed her here.
“Yeesh, you’re grumpy in the morning. For your information, I wanted to surprise you with something totally sweet and awesome, but I can leave if you want.” She flips her hair dramatically and makes her way back to the door. I step into her path before she can even get close.
“Sorry, uh, I just wasn’t expecting you,” I say, gazing down at her, resisting the urge to take my finger and free her bottom lip from its cute, little pout. “And I had a rough morning. Please stay. I could use something totally sweet and awesome.” I flash her a grin, just to soften her up. A face that gentle, that delicate, should never frown.
“Are you mocking me, Drake?” she smirks.
“Maybe. Depends on what you’ve got in that bag.”
Ally smiles, and warmth sweeps over me. Not the heat I feel when I imagine her tight, little body under mine. But real, palpable, comforting warmth. Her smile is the sun—bright and infectious. I’d rather go blind from staring than be without it.
She turns back around and sets the bag on the counter. “Well, it’s your lucky day, because honestly, this is as much of a treat for me as it will be for you.” She begins to unpack her paper sack, splaying things on the marble countertop. “First—breakfast! Your friend Riku—who is a total, freakin’ hottie, by the way—hooked me up with my favorite brunch food ever, fried chicken and waffles!” She uncovers a large Tupperware and the mouthwatering scents of fried batter, spices and syrup fill the room. My stomach rumbles in approval.
“You eat chicken and waffles?” I ask, stepping forward to get a better look at the piping hot, deep-fried fare.
“Hell yes!” she exclaims proudly. “I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve gone to Melba’s in Harlem. You ever been?”
“Can’t say I have.”
She slaps my bare chest lightly and damn near squeals. “You have to let me take you! It’s da bomb!”
“And apparently you have to go back in time to 1996 to eat there,” I jibe, causing her to give me another playful slap.
She laughs, and I join her out of reflex and necessity. Ally means well, but she could never know what she’s doing to me. Making plans after this, as if I could actually have a place in her life outside these four walls? As if she and I could continue this…thing?
I’m not sure whether I should be pissed at her for giving me false hope or be contented by the fact that she wants me in her life. But when I look at her, so happy—happy with me—I can’t feel anything but grateful for the charade, even though it will kill me when the curtain closes.
Ally raises the dish until it’s eye level, taunting me with the sweet, spicy aromas. “Shut up! Or you don’t get any of this.”
“Riku made that?”
“Yup. He was actually pretty surprised at my request. Guess the other ladies are too concerned with gaining an ounce to enjoy some real food,” she shrugs. “Geez, I s
ee why you keep him locked up in the kitchen. He’d totally get molested by all these horny housewives!”
I give her a half-grin before turning toward the cabinets in an attempt to hide my flare of jealousy. I have no business feeling any type of possessiveness over Ally. She isn’t mine. But fuck it, I never copped to being rational.
“That’s cool of him,” I remark, as coolly as I can possibly muster.
“Yeah. Anyway, my plan is to fill you with fat and cholesterol, then I was hoping you’d be satisfied enough to humor me…”
I turn around with plates and silverware, just in time to catch a sheepish look on her face. “Humor you?”
“Yeah.” She sets down the dish, opens her bag again, and gleefully reveals the next item, clutching it to her chest like it’s her most prized possession. “Friends marathon!”
“You’re kidding, right?”
Ally hugs the boxed set of DVDs and shakes her head. “I never kid about Friends. Come on, Justice! It’ll be fun! I even brought sustenance so we don’t have to leave your house for the entire day,” she says, pulling out bags of chips, packages of microwavable popcorn, candy and a two-liter of soda. “Just me, you, Ross, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler and Joey. And enough junk food to clog all of our arteries.”
I pick up a king-size bag of peanut M&Ms. “Where’d you get all this stuff?”
“I begged Diane to help me out, telling her I had some serious PMS cravings that would only be satisfied with carbs. I wanted to make you an offer you couldn’t refuse.”
I make a disparaging face and rub the back of my neck. Ally’s expression falls in response. “Well… you’re lucky clogged arteries are so in style this season.”
Ally smiles and the sun burns my eyes. I just squint and smile too.
“OH MY GOD. That was…”
“Mmmmm.” I rub my full belly and swallow the last, delicious morsel of crispy fried chicken, fluffy waffle and sweet syrup. It’s the perfect bite.
“…amazing, delicious. Better than sex.”
“I don’t know about that,” I say, wiping my mouth with a napkin. “Riku is a great chef and all, but nothing is better than sex.”
“Meh.”
I raise a brow. “Meh?”
“Meh. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s pretty good. But sex is just… I don’t know. Just sex. I get why people enjoy it so much, but I just don’t understand why we give it so much power. It’s a physical act of love or affection, not love or affection itself. Relationships are about so much more than sex. It’s about trust, loyalty, honesty, kindness, respect—all things that don’t require a woman to spread her legs.”
I peg her with a bewildered stare. “You do know who you’re talking to, right?”
“Yeah, yeah, I know, Mr. Sexpert Extraordinaire. And I’ll admit; you know your stuff. But don’t you think there are other factors in a relationship, namely a marriage, which can impact sex? For instance, if your lover is sweet and sensitive and treats you like a treasure, don’t you think sex would be amazing? Even if it’s not that great physically?”
“No.”
“No?”
“No.” I push my plate to the side and prop my elbows on the countertop, leaning towards her. “I agree that all of those elements are necessary and required in a relationship, but to be honest, it all leads to sex. You see, we’re sweet and funny and kind because we want sex. We sit through chick flicks, the theater and ballet because we want sex. We wait patiently as you try 83 variations of a black peep-toe pump because we want sex…while you wear the shoes.
“Think of it this way: trust, honesty, respect…all those things are like the playoffs during football season. You need to play them. They’re necessary to get you to where you want to be—the Super Bowl. Sex is the Super Bowl, Ally. And while those playoff games may have gotten you there, they really can’t win the game for you. No one says, “They played great in that game a few weeks ago, so it’s ok that they’re losing now.” It’s how you play the game that day that matters. That’s the only thing people care about.”
Ally nods solemnly as she mindlessly swirls the remnants of syrup on her plate with a fork. “So…what if you don’t have all the other stuff? What if there is no trust, no honesty, no respect? What if your partner loses every single game? Why on earth do they still feel deserving of sitting in the bleachers, let alone playing, at the Super Bowl?”
I look down where her hand continues to slide that fork through the sticky syrup. At the hand that houses her diamond wedding ring. Then I’m looking into her eyes, urging her to see me. To hear me. “Maybe you’re just rooting for the wrong team.”
She’s quiet, but she holds my gaze, those wild eyes uncovering every complicated layer of my admission. I know she wants to ask me what I mean, and at this moment, I can’t lie to her. When she looks at me like that, like I somehow matter in her world, that I actually take up space somewhere in her thoughts, she can ask me anything. And I’d hand her every single one of my secrets on a silver platter.
“Come on,” I say, standing to my feet and breaking our trance. I hold out my hand, offering the only thing I can provide her. The only thing I’m worthy of giving her: right now. “I want to watch Friends with my friend.”
“I THINK THIS may be my favorite episode,” Ally says with half a Twizzler dangling from between her lips. I pull off a piece and pop it in my mouth.
“That’s what you said about the last five episodes.”
“I know, but this one is the best. This is the one where they all go to Bermuda and Monica’s hair takes on a life of its own. And she’s walking around with that little white hat on top of this massive mountain of black frizz. I die every time I see it!”
I shake my head and smile. Of course. My facial muscles haven’t gotten this much of a workout since…since, well, ever. I look down at Ally curled up at my side like a cat, her bare feet tucked underneath her. I watch how she mouths her favorite parts and laughs, even though she knows the joke’s coming. She squeezes my thigh and looks up at me, giggling. Thank God I had sense enough to throw on a t-shirt and a pair of worn jeans.
“What?” she grins.
“Nothing. It’s just…cute how addicted you are to this stuff. You’ve probably seen every episode at least ten times, yet you still think it’s funny. It’s a little scary. But kinda adorable too.”
“I can’t help it,” she shrugs. “It’s my vice. Some people smoke. Some people like booze or drugs. I’m addicted to Friends reruns and ice cream.”
“You’re so bad ass.”
“And sometimes, when I’m feeling really naughty, I watch Friends while eating ice cream. Hashtag BOOM.”
“Ok, that’s really scary. And not in the way you think.”
We both break into an easy, unfiltered laugh that causes me to pull her closer, siphoning her warmth and goodness like a fiend. I know I should stop. I know that no matter how innocent I may try to make my actions appear, they are anything but. Yet I can’t stop. I can’t lose this now. I may never touch an angel ever again.
“So Justice, what’s your vice?” she asks, reaching for a handful of Sour Patch Kids. “And don’t you dare say something stupid and healthy like swimming or running, or I may have to reevaluate this friendship.”
“I don’t have one.”
She sits up and turns to face me, disbelief etched in her face. “I call bullshit! Everyone has a vice. Come on, what’s that one thing you gotta have? That one addiction that makes you psychotically happy? I promise I won’t judge. Unless it’s something weird like goat porn. Or Crocs.”
I roll my eyes and shake my head, stifling a laugh.
“Oh my God, is it something weird? It’s goat porn, isn’t it? Or worse—Crocs! I bet you have a whole collection in different colors! Oh my-”
“I’m not into Crocs.”
“—and here I thought you were a normal-”
“Or any weird porn involving farm animals,” I say over her sugar-induced rambling.
/>
“Then what? Spill it, Drake.”
I exhale and rub the back of my neck, trying to pacify her with an answer that doesn’t make me look like a total jackass.
Sex.
Money.
You.
Even thinking of her in the same conscious stream seems wrong, though it was both sex and money that brought her to me.
“Work,” I resolve.
“Work? You’re addicted to work?” She throws a Sour Patch Kid at me, pegging me in my shoulder. “What kind of vice is that? Lame, dude. Lame.”
“Hey, not my fault I haven’t been corrupted by junk food and bad TV. And I like my work. It’s important to me.”
Ally twists her lips to one side, and her eyes narrow to small slits. “Ummm... You know what you do, right? You’re not curing cancer or creating calorie-free cookies.”
I lift a single brow. “But it’s still important. It brought you here, didn’t it?”
Her gaze falls, and I instantly feel like a tactless bastard for throwing her presence at Oasis in her face. I’m like a fish out of water…caring about people’s feelings, thinking about what passes my lips before I just blurt it out. This isn’t me. This isn’t the Justice Drake that people know and loathe. Yet, I don’t want to be any other way with Ally. I like who I am when she’s around. For once, I can just…breathe. I can just be.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-”
“No, you’re right,” she says, shaking her head. “You’re right. I am here. And I’m glad I came.”
“Why?” The question is out before I can stop it. It’s been eating away at me since the day she set fire to my deserted paradise.
She shakes her head again, casting her eyes down to the few sugary remains of candy. “I came because…because I thought it was what Evan wanted. I thought it would fix what was broken. But I soon realized that you can’t fix what’s beyond repair. What was never really meant to be in the first place.”
I don’t want to read too much into her words, but I can’t help that tiny inkling of hope that blooms in the space between my ribcage and my chest. That small space that beats in overtime whenever she smiles at me, all white teeth and soft, pink lips, like I’m the only one that can make her do that. Like I’m the only man in the world she’s reserved those smiles for.