It’s corny and sweet, and so unlike me in every way possible, but it’s the truth. And after years of lying to myself and everyone else, it’s a welcomed dilemma.
“And now?” I ask, causing her gaze to touch mine.
“Now?
“You said you were glad you came. Why? Why now?”
Scarlet kisses her cheeks and she grins, looking back down at her hands bashfully. “I’ve learned a lot. About myself and…sex. About what I like and what I want.” She sweeps her eyes back to mine and gives me a naughty smile. I don’t even think she knows it’s naughty. But the way I can feel it, right down to the tip of my dick … oh yeah, naughty as fuck. “I’ve never been outwardly sexual. Hell, usually I just use humor to mask my discomfort whenever the subject comes up. But now, I just feel more confident and free to explore this new side of me. And it’s pretty damn exciting. So even if this is all for nothing, and Evan and I can’t fix this… I’ll know better for next time.”
“Next time?”
“I’ll know how to be a better lover. I can be what men want.”
It takes every ounce of self-control and common sense not to grab her by her shoulders and shake the shit out of her, telling her that she is what men want. That she was perfectly designed to be a goddess to every man that she graces with her presence. There’s nothing wrong with her– not a damn thing. But how do I get her to see that– to believe that – without looking like a fraud? Or worse: showing her that I actually am one?
“You know that no matter how amazing you are in bed, Evan will always be Evan, right?” He’ll always be a spineless, cheating bastard.
She frowns, yet nods in agreement. “I know. I knew it the day I married him. Still…I thought marriage would change him. I thought I could change him.”
“Common misconception,” I remark, grabbing a Twizzler. I tap her nose with the tip of it in an attempt to lighten the mood. She takes the bait, snapping at it like a hungry piranha.
“I know, I know,” she says, chomping a mouthful of red licorice.
“And honestly, you shouldn’t have to. He should want to change…for you. Because you’re worth it.”
My eyes still pinned on hers, I slide the candy between my lips, touching my tongue to the same place that she just bit seconds ago. Her eyes watch the movement, studying my lips as they wrap around the thin, red vine. It’s like kissing her, tasting her. Feeding my addiction to her. It’s not nearly enough, yet so much more than I should have.
Cue the 1980s porn music and dim the lights, because under normal circumstances, this would be the point at which I’d tell a woman to lose the clothes and bury her face in my lap. But Ally is no ordinary woman. And married or not, I could never treat her like I’ve treated so many before her.
Ally’s face blooms red, and she turns back towards the television, nestling into the space– her space – against my side.
“I take that back,” she says with a small yawn. “This one is my favorite.”
The episode has changed, but the gang is still in Bermuda. Monica gets Bo Derek braids and Ross hooks up with Joey’s girl, Charlie. Joey can’t even be truly upset because it makes sense. Ross is a better fit; he deserves her. He could never give Charlie what she wants. He could never truly fulfill her. He’s Joey… womanizing, simple-minded, irresponsible Joey. He’ll never change. They never do.
I PACE THE stage, waiting, watching the entrance like a hawk. I can feel my anxiety multiplying with every second, the remembrance of Ally’s warmth searing the side of my torso. I haven’t been able to feel anything else since she left my arms just as dawn lit the early Sunday morning sky, transforming it into a cotton candy canvas.
We fell asleep sometime after Rachel and Joey finally hooked up. Ally was curled against my side like a small, wild cat, her knees drawn up on the sofa. With her hand fisting my t-shirt, that fiery mane falling into her closed eyes, she snored softly against my chest, using my body as her personal, heated pillow. I woke up just as the sun peeked over the horizon, just in time to watch quiet, lazy sunlight dance across her face. Even with my eyes hazed in sleep, she was glorious. Pure and reborn into a new day with new possibilities. New opportunities to be beside her and let her warmth smother the consequences that rest just beyond those jagged hills at the edge of my oasis.
The moment my eyes find her in her in the crowd, I can breathe again. My vision is clearer. I’m better when she’s near, even when I deny myself the pleasure of actually looking at her. Most days, it’s better when I don’t. This is one of those days.
“I know you’re all wondering why I asked you to meet me in our theater this morning. Well, today we have a special demonstration of sorts. However, before we get started, I’d like to know how you all handled your homework assignment last session. Anyone care to share with the class?”
A sardonic smile rests on my lips as I watch them squirming in their seats as they imagine their bodies quaking at their own hands. I can’t help it. I get off on this shit. No matter how I feel about Ally and the future that we can never, ever have, I can’t change who I am. And who I am is not Ally’s husband. So it shouldn’t matter that I love what I do. It shouldn’t matter that I get hard just thinking about a woman slipping her trembling fingers inside her slick pussy for the first time. And it shouldn’t matter that I want sex, need sex, and plan to have sex as soon as I possibly can. My mind might be conflicted about it, but my body definitely doesn’t feel the same. And after today’s class, my mind may quickly follow.
Lacey is the first to raise her hand, and she climbs to her spike-heeled feet. She looks…different, to say the least. Tight red cami, no bra, and a short leather skirt. Huh. Interesting.
“Obviously, that was not my first time,” Lacey begins with an air of arrogance. A few of her colleagues roll their eyes and whisper insults under their breath. “But I did quite enjoy that toy. It was very…potent.”
I call her bluff. “What’d you like about it, Lacey?”
“Um, it was…” she stammers, clutching the top of her exposed chest. A flush sweeps its way from that patch of evocative skin up to her neck until landing on the thin apples of her cheeks. “It was powerful. Strong. Like the moment it touched me, I could feel myself lose control. But I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to press it harder.” She closes her eyes, speaking as if we’re the only two in the vast room. Speaking as if she’s communicating something to me… her wants, her desires. “I needed something inside of me.”
I take a step toward her, charging that room with an unseen current. It seems smaller now, more intimate. “And did you put something inside you, Lacey?”
Her voice is raspy and full of need. “Yes.”
“And did it feel good to you?” I match her affected tone.
“Yes.”
My voice dips even lower. “Did you come, Lacey? Did you come with your fingers deep inside your pussy?”
“Y-yes,” she barely whispers.
“Good!” I state with a loud clap of my hands, releasing her from her lustful trance. Lacey’s visibly shaken with the sudden change in the atmosphere, her shallow breaths quickening into a pant. “Now, let’s get started.”
Had this been a regular day and a regular class, I wouldn’t have let her off the hook so easily. I would’ve abandoned my place at the stage to stand behind her, close enough that she could feel my heat, but far enough that she would shiver with the need to be touched. I’d brush those bare shoulders lightly and watch with fascination as goose bumps instantly appeared. She’d tremble with expectation, but I wouldn’t give her any more. Instead, I’d bring my lips to her ear, close enough that I could look down and see her nipples pebble under that thin tank. Then I’d whisper a command, just for her, my words both intoxicating and terrifying her.
“Show me how you touch yourself, Lacey.”
She’d stutter all the reasons why she shouldn’t, shaking her head adamantly. But her body…her body would grow hot with excitement. She’d get wet at the thr
ill of it. So fucking wet that I’d smell her, telling me she’s not even wearing panties to smother her spicy scent.
When my hand touched hers, still clutched to her chest, she’d flinch but she wouldn’t pull away. She’d let me guide it between her swollen breasts and down to her flat belly, brushing the bit of exposed skin where the hem of her shirt rides up. Then I’d let her fingers play with the jewel in her navel, manipulating each digit as if that diamond-studded barbell was her clit. Demonstrating how I would stroke it for her.
When she began to pant and mewl gently, I’d finally put Lacey out of her misery and guide her hand down further until her fingertips grazed the tops of her thighs. And I’d whisper, “Go ahead, Lacey. Touch yourself. Show me how to please you.”
But I wouldn’t abandon her just yet. She isn’t confident enough. She’d like to believe that she is, but I would feel the trepidation beating from her chest. So I’d ease that hand to the apex of her thighs, to that humid space that aches to be touched. She’d want me to do it, but I wouldn’t, and that would frustrate her. So, I’d tell her again, this time my voice gruffer, more commanding. “Touch your pussy, Lacey.”
With embarrassed tears in her eyes, she’d sink her fingers between her folds, teasing her clit just as we had teased her jeweled belly button. She’d be humiliated and somewhat disgusted with herself, but she would moan and let her head fall back on my shoulder. She wouldn’t be able to help it. Because as mortified as she’d be, she’d be doubly turned on. And I’d stand there, a satisfied grin on my face, because I broke her. I’d unleashed the deviant that had been lying dormant within her walls of inhibition. And when she’d sink the first finger deep inside herself, while me and ten awestruck women watched on in wonder, she’d feel it too. And she’d know that she could never be caged again.
That’s what I’d do under different circumstances. It’s what I’ve done countless times before. But the thought of touching Lacey doesn’t excite me. It doesn’t make the little devil in me rejoice at the opportunity to reduce her to a writhing mess in my theater. It kind of makes me sad that I ever thought it was kosher to do. And even feeling an ounce of remorse pisses me the fuck off.
The little devil sits on my shoulder, whipping his sharp, thorned tail to the back of my neck before jabbing it into my skin. “Fucking soft,” he hisses in my ear. I can’t even be mad at him.
“OH YEAH…YEAH. Right there, baby. Oh God, yes!”
“Stop!”
I get as close as suitably possible to the couple positioned at the middle of the stage. They look up at me, their eyes hooded and hungry, yet they halt their movements. The man is still buried deep inside of his lover’s warm, wet pussy, and it’s taking every ounce of his self-control not to thrust again. The woman’s naked chest heaves with her labored breaths, and she leans back to rest on the odd-shaped, leather chair currently elevating her pelvis.
That’s right.
We’re watching people have sex.
How are you even surprised?
The couple is a husband and wife team that teaches tantric yoga out in Cali. They’ve also been known to dabble in webcam sex shows online, much like the one they are giving us today. Only difference is, I pay them quite a bit more than $2.99 per minute.
“Now you see the way Brad was thrusting into Laura? Tell me about her. What did you see her doing?” I say, addressing the class. As expected, no one says a word. “Ok, since you all obviously are not paying attention, I want you to watch Laura’s hands. You’ll notice that they are always moving—clutching the chair, pinching her nipples, grabbing Brad’s ass and pushing him in deeper. Still hands are a dead giveaway to bad sex. You should be pawing at your lover like a hungry lioness. Make him feel like you are so overwhelmed with pleasure that you just can’t keep still. Ok? Resume.”
The couple picks up where they left off without missing a beat. Brad holds Laura’s legs wide by her thighs and moves into her, slowly at first. Then he’s gaining momentum, fucking her like a man possessed. Laura croons his name, raking her nails over his bare chest.
“You see? Look at what she’s doing,” I say, as her fingers drift down to stimulate her clit. “And you see how she looks at him? How their eyes stay locked on each other? What do you think that simple act represents?”
“Intimacy,” someone calls out over the couple’s moans.
“Right,” I nod. “What else?”
“Togetherness.”
“Passion.”
“Exactly.” I pace the stage as if there isn’t a live sex show occurring just feet away from me. “There are two types of lovers, ladies. The kind who fucks and the kind who gets fucked. Always be the kind that fucks. No matter what position you’re in, be passionate. Be engaging. Commit to the moment 100%.” I give them all an encouraging smile, feeling a tinge of pride at their progress. “Now let’s see how well Laura rides.”
Again, the two seamlessly move together in perfect choreography. Brad reclines back on the Tantra chair and Laura straddles his lap, slowly lowering herself onto his length, gasping at the deepness the new position provides.
“How many of you watch porn?” I ask. Several of the women raise their hands without hesitance. I don’t even look in Ally’s direction to see if she is among them. “Good. Get used to watching it. You can learn a lot about sexual positions and acts that your partner may be interested in trying. Not all pornography is created equal; there’s truly something that can appeal to everyone.”
Laura begins to buck faster and faster, fisting Brad’s hair as she bounces wildly. He grips her hips and thrusts upward to meet her intensity before reaching around and slapping her ass.
“Don’t be afraid of a little spanking, ladies. It can be pleasurable for both parties, and it doesn’t mean that you’re a masochist or any bullshit labels like that. Your mate won’t judge you. He’ll think it’s insanely hot.”
Every eye stays transfixed on the licentious dance playing out within these theater walls. No one speaks; no one even blinks. It’s erotically hypnotizing, like watching two animals in the wild, biting and thrashing as they try to dominate the other to sate their carnal need. I’m fascinated by the raw visceral act, just as much as it arouses me. Maybe even more. It’s basal, human nature in its most beautiful form.
Laura cries out as she chases her orgasm, and Brad sits up to draw her nipple into his mouth, growling against the puckered skin. He’s trying to hold back, trying to regain control so he can keep feeling her, keep fucking her. It feels too good to stop now.
Caught up in the frenzy of it all, I glance out at the audience to gauge their reactions, and everything just…stops. Laura and Brad fall away, their raucous moans quieting to a whisper. The women’s heated pants of excitement, the squeaking of their seats as they cross and uncross their legs. It all fades to black, and I am immersed into pools of blue-green ice water, jostling me from my train of thought.
Ally looks at me – looks into me – eyes wild, and those flushed cheeks bleeding into her cascade of crimson hair. Her pouty lips part only a fraction, as if she wants to say something to me, but she just continues to stare. Maybe she gasps. Maybe she moans. Maybe she is just as lost for words as I am.
I know what’s happening now just feet away from me. But I can’t hear Laura as she screams with climax, bearing down on Brad as her pussy contracts. I don’t see the way he jerks as her flexing inner muscles milk his orgasm. I can’t care about anything beyond the fiery angel sitting yards away. Everything else is background noise. Muted, colorless and insignificant.
She shifts in her seat and casts her glance down to her lap, releasing me from her hold. I glance to see Brad and Laura work to come down, kissing and touching each other, as their bodies quake with aftershocks. Yet, I feel nothing. I’ve become numb to it all.
My gaze sweeps over the room, catching looks of confusion, as eleven women await my instruction.
“Um, uh…uh…”
I clear my throat and try again, but the words jus
t don’t come out. Ally has stolen my breath and reduced me to a pathetic, stuttering mess. There’s nothing left to say—nothing I trust myself to say.
So I do the only thing I possibly can right now that won’t jeopardize everything I thought I truly wanted.
I turn and walk away.
I HAVE TO fuck her.
It’s the only way. The only thing that will clear my head and get me back to where I need to be. So yeah…I’m going to fuck her. It’s what she wants anyway, and it’s what I need, that’s for damn sure. I’ll enjoy it; she’ll love it. And once my balls aren’t as heavy as my conscience, I’ll move on and finish the job I was hired to do. Simple as that.
My finger hovers over the Call icon, hesitation crawling all over my body like mites. Just do it, you pussy. You know you want to.
I do want to. Badly. But not for the reasons I should.
I have to fuck her. I have to.
Fuck it.
My thumb just barely grazes the phone icon, and the line begins to ring. Her voice greets me moments later, sounding both surprised and delighted. “Justice?”
“Yes.”
“I’m so glad you called.”
She knows what this is. Erin has been waiting for this moment for years. She could see it in me when she was last here – the desperation, the confusion. The guilt. She knew it would only be a matter of time before I came crawling back, craving her pretty, pink pussy and those perfect, perky tits. And what man wouldn’t?
“How glad are you?” I ask, my tone low and husky. Unlike Jewel and Candi, Erin needs to be stroked and nurtured first. In all honesty, I could have just called them up, but I was craving something else…something more intimate. Plus, that twosome is about as shrewd as I am when it comes to reading body language. They would see how I was deflecting from a mile away. They already had.