Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Grey Matter
Find the answers—and tote up your score— here
1. Which of these are real mental disorders?
a) Bigorexia
b) Foreign Accent Syndrome
c) Jumping Frenchman Disorder
2. If you were a hybristophiliac, what might you want to do?
a) Marry a mass murderer
b) Have two different personalities
c) Have sex with your Toyota Prius
3. This statement about the human brain is true:
a) There aren’t any “pain receptors” in your brain, so if Hannibal Lecter started to eat it, you wouldn’t feel a thing
b) While awake, your brain generates enough power to light a 100 w bulb
c) Music is the biggest trigger of emotional memories
4. How many thoughts does the average person have every day (roughly)?
a) 600
b) 70,000
c) 1 million
5. How many prescriptions for anti-depressant drugs are handed out every year in America (estimated)?
a) 18 million
b) 81 million
c) 118 million
Sex, Romance & Ballcare
10
Dr. Ozzy’s Guide to the Bats and the Bees
If you’ve come to the Prince of Darkness for sex advice, you’re already in big fucking trouble. It ain’t that I don’t have a lot of experience in the bedroom department—I’ve got my fair share of war stories, like any other rocker—it’s just that I wasn’t conscious for most of it. Back in the 1970s, most chicks used to light up a cigarette after a good old bonk. Not the ones I slept with: they were too busy calling for an ambulance.
Still, I’ve picked up a few pearls of wisdom here and there, which is a good job, ’cos at least half the questions I get, especially at Rolling Stone, are from people with sex problems—or romance problems, or ball problems. Or, more often than you’d think, a combination of all three. To make things easy, I’ve rolled them all into this chapter. Just remember: there’s more to life than mind-blowing sex. And if you find out what it is, let me know.
I: SEX
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
When my girlfriend takes Ambien, she turns into an insatiable sexual freak. In the morning, though, she has no memory of it. Is it wrong for me to go along with this?
Rob, California
It sounds like I need to send my Ambien back to the pharmacy and ask for a refund: when Sharon takes it, she turns into an insatiable fucking snorer, not a sexual freak. Having said that, if your girlfriend doesn’t remember any of these epic rogerings in the morning, it seems to me like it’s dangerously close to date-rape. Aside from the fact that it ain’t right, if she ever found out about it, and you had an argument and broke up or whatever, you could end up in leg-irons and a jumpsuit. I think a confession is in order.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I gave my wife a vibrator as a gift. Now, every night when she thinks I’m asleep, I can hear her using next to me. We’re barely having sex, and I’m worried I can’t compete with the machine. Please help.
Anonymous
Hide the batteries.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’ve been sleeping on and off with an average-looking girl at work for a few months—usually after a Friday night session in the pub. Yesterday I found out she’s updated her “relationship status” on Facebook and is calling me her boyfriend! I never wanted this to become serious. How can I tell her this without causing drama?
Jeff, Preston
First of all, you’ve got a lot of balls calling this girl “average-looking.” What are you, Mr. fucking Brad Pitt? Secondly, if you go to bed with a girl more than once, you either have to explain to her that it ain’t serious—and run the risk of her not shagging you any more—or be a man and stop doing it, ’cos she’s gonna get hurt. You also need to ask yourself the question: “How would I feel if this were the other way around?” I mean, men are very good at saying, “Oh, it’s nothing, just the occasional shag,” but then if another bloke comes on the scene, they’re like wild animals marking their territory. Make up your mind how you feel, then stop messing this poor girl around.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
I have a policy of not advising people on their love lives. However, I suspect my friend “Bob” (not his real name) might be having an extra-marital relationship with a neighbour, largely because he likes her breasts. If this was your mate, would you offer advice?
John, Aberdeen
No. Trust me—stay away. It’s impossible to know all the facts in these situations, and you probably wouldn’t want to. Meanwhile, if he ever asks you to start covering for him, just say, “What you do is none of my business, don’t ever ask about this again, I don’t want to know.” Otherwise you’re putting your head in the lion’s den, and sooner or later, two slobbering jaws are gonna come chomping down on your neck, I guarantee it. The only time you’d have any reason to pipe up would be if someone was getting hurt, or if the situation became horrendous—like he started bringing his bit-on-the-side over to your house for dinner. In that case, it would be worth a quiet word.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
Why do men always want young girlfriends? Young people are boring: they don’t have good stories to tell or interesting views to share. Do men think only with their trousers?
Darla, Helsinki, Finland
The truth is, men have two brains: the one in their heads and the one in their Y-fronts. The one nearer the floor usually wins—that’s why you see these guys walking around in Los Angeles with bald spots and pony tails. In fact, a friend of mine who’s 63 came over to my house the other day in his sports car with some young female in the passenger seat who might as well have been his great-granddaughter. I said to him, “Where do you find these girls? Pre-school?” He just laughed. But I guarantee it won’t make him happy for long, ’cos one day they’ll be lying in bed and he’ll want to talk about Colonel Gaddafi, and she’ll think he’s talking about the guy who invented fried chicken. (In response to this question, a guy called “Peter” from West Sussex wrote to me, saying: “Ask Darla from Helsinki why men should NOT have young girlfriends? I sail, ski, work-out three days a week, and prefer slim and energetic companions as opposed to my overweight, TV-watching contemporaries. PS: I am 81 years old.”)
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
How do you make a girl reach orgasm?
Andre, St. Albans, Hertfordshire
I’ve always been too busy giving myself an orgasm to pay much attention. If you find out, let me know.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m a 28-year-old woman who has never—not once!—reached orgasm. I enjoy sex but it’s more like a good aerobic workout than something mind-blowing. Am I choosing the wrong guys, or do I have some kind of deep psychological handicap? Please help.
Sanna, Helsinki, Finland
Dr. Ozzy is a bit out of his depth on this one (see above), but the first thing to do is look at the side-effects of any pills you’re taking. For example, anti-depressants wreak havoc in my own screaming ecstasy department—but I don’t know what the deal is for women. Maybe also buy one of those electronic “back massager” wands, then practice trying to get yourself over-the-top on your own. The better you know your own body, the better chance you have of learning what sets you off. Failing that… give me a call.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
After I have sex my feet tingle. What’s happening? Bad circulation? Return of blood to my feet?
Daniel, New Hampshire
Let me ask you something: Are you one of those blokes who likes to wear ladies’ underwear? Because I once knew a girl who wore tights during a game of hide-the-sausage, and her feet fell asleep halfway through. Maybe that’s your problem. Either that, or get rid of the ropes and the ballgag, and don’t do it hanging upside down next time.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. To spice up our sex life, he’s suggest
ed a threesome with one of his college mates. Does this make him gay?
Anonymous
Call me a boring old turd, but I’ve always preferred sex when it’s done on a one-at-a-time basis. With more than one dick swinging around the place, you might end up with a black eye, or—God forbid—getting one of ’em stuck in the wrong place. To answer your question, though, it sounds to me more like your boyfriend’s bi, not gay. Then again, his buddy might be gay. You could spend the evening with nothing to do but watch two hairy blokes go at it hammer and tongs, which wouldn’t be much fun. And what if you end up liking the other guy more than your boyfriend? Trust me, threesomes might look good on telly, but they’re usually more trouble than they’re worth.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My friend and I—both married men—have been reliving old times by going out drinking and chatting up women, but stopping before any actual infidelity takes place. We call them “dry runs,” because they give us the thrill of the chase without breaking any rules.
Is this wrong?
Michael, London
Playing with matches is a lot of fun, Michael, but at some point your wig’s gonna catch fire. There’s just no way this can end well for you. One night you’ll have too many drinks, you’ll do a “dry run” on a woman whose beautiful and single, she’ll make the first move, and before you know it, you’ll be signing your divorce papers. You’re creating temptation for yourself, which means trouble is only two steps behind. Get a lapdance if you’re desperate for a quick thrill, or better yet, take the missus away for a dirty weekend.
DR. OZZY’S INSANE-BUT-TRUE STORIES
If You Think Human Sex Is Weird…
When a male bee, or drone, gets lucky, his balls literally fall off inside the virgin queen. This stops her getting knocked up by anyone else. It also hurts.
If you think human blokes have it bad, spare a thought for male giraffes. For starters, sex is limited to a two-week period every year (the only time females are up for it). And it ain’t exactly much to look forward to, anyway: before any action takes places, the female has to make absolutely sure that her mate is “Mr Right.” She does this by pissing on his face.
Female hyenas don’t just wear the trousers in their relationships—they even get boners. That’s ’cos they have a “pseudopenis,” which is basically a massive clitoris. I bet they have hairy armpits, too.
Male bedbugs have gotta be the biggest bastards out there in the sex department. Instead of courting the female, or even bothering to give her a cuddle and feel her up a bit, he just stabs her in the chest with his spiky dick. Biologists have a term for it: “traumatic insemination.” It’s just fucking lazy, if you ask me.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I have an annoying habit of popping the champagne cork before the party gets under way. I’ve tried slowing down, and/or mentally re-tiling the kitchen to take my mind off things during the process, but no luck, alas. Any advice gratefully received.
Jezz, Hertfordshire
Is this code for something? This is Dr. Ozzy you’re writing to, not the Archbishop of fucking Canterbury, so for God’s sake spit it out, man. If you mean what I think you mean, why not just get on with it quicker? It’ll give you and the missus more time to do the garden.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I have just turned 68 and have the opposite problem to your premature “cork popper” the other week. It doesn’t matter how racy my thoughts—say, Jennifer Aniston in a maid’s outfit—I still end up pumping away when the missus is ready for a cigarette.
What can I do?
Dave, Wales
They have a word for this: “Anorgasmia.” There’s also another term, and it’s called “being 68 years old.” Unfortunately, as blokes get on a bit, everything to do with sex becomes difficult. If it’s any consolation, the most exciting thing that happens in my bedroom most nights is an episode of Law & Order. Having said that, you should get your prostate checked out, and also ask your doctor about the side-effects of any drugs you’re taking. Of course, you could also just be bored. Try thinking about Courteney Cox instead.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I have an embarrassing fetish (it’s surprisingly common). I want my girlfriend to put me in a diaper and treat me like a big baby. My girlfriend and I are compatible in every way, but I’m terrified to ask her about this. What would you do?
Anonymous, USA
This one’s a bit far-out even for Dr. Ozzy. I mean, there’s plenty of time later in life to wear adult nappies, so why speed it up? Having said that, I had the opposite problem to you in my drinking days: Sharon was always telling me to wear nappies, ’cos I used to piss in the bed so often. I also used to shit my pants on a fairly regular basis, which ain’t very fucking nice. I suppose if you start doing the same thing, your girlfriend might make the same suggestion, saving you the whole “I want to be a big baby” conversation.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m 29 years old and have become increasingly dependant on seriously hardcore porn to get turned on. Is this going to ruin my performance with real women?
Anonymous, USA
No. Women didn’t stop getting knocked up when the internet was invented—although maybe their husbands don’t pester them for sex as much, ’cos now they’ve got online filth on demand, 24 hours a day. The trouble is, even the XXX stuff gets boring very quickly: it’s not like there’s ever a surprise fucking ending. The trick is to ration your exposure, not try and find stronger and stronger stuff. If it ever gets to the point where there’s crapping or donkeys involved, trust me, you’ve gone too far. Otherwise stop worrying.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’ve just returned from a bachelor party in Las Vegas. Being married with kids, however, I’m concerned that the stripper with whom I, er, “relaxed” in a private booth might have given me oral herpes—we didn’t do anything improper, although she did feed me strawberries and cream, mouth to mouth. Any words of wisdom?
Brian, Warrington
Forget oral herpes, Brian, it sounds to me like you’ve come down with a classic case of married man’s guilt. That’s the problem with strippers: they don’t just take your dough, they also make you feel like the worst husband in the world the next morning. And if you think strippers are bad, by the way, try groupies: I used to get so out of my mind with guilt, I’d be down the doctor’s office every day of the week, thinking I had some new disease. Then I’d finally break down, tell Sharon everything, and I’d get a houseplant over the back of my head, which meant another visit to the doctor’s. As for the good old herpes: your GP will give you a test to see if you’ve got it, but the virus can lie dormant for years, so there’d be no telling if it was from the stripper or, say, an unwashed glass you picked up in a pub. I used to get outbreaks myself when I was stressed out or tired, but I haven’t had any for years. One thing I wouldn’t recommend is confessing to your missus. Believe me, it’ll only make your life worse.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Out of the blue, my husband has suggested bringing another woman into our bedroom, to liven things a bit up after twenty years of marriage. I’m not keen. What do you think?
Susan, Dundee
Sounds fair enough to me—as long as what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. If your husband gets to bring Debbie from accounts to bed, then you should be able to bring along Dave from marketing. But that raises the obvious fucking question: if you both want to sleep with other people in your own home, what are you still doing together?
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’ve noticed that I can’t last as long in bed with my girlfriend as I could when we first started going out with each other three months ago. Now I’m worried that if I don’t fix this, she might leave me for someone who can fully please her. Any advice?
Ethan [no address given]
Send her to me! Seriously though, Ethan, this kind of thing is a big problem when you’re a rock star. I remember one time when me and the guys from Black Sabbath were staying at a Holiday In
n in America, three groupies came to my room—one after the other. You’d have to be superhuman not to run out of steam during a session like that, especially after number two (and it’s not like there was any Viagra around in those days). Fortunately I was a young man, so I activated the Special Reserve Tank and finished the job. But you’ve gotta bear in mind: that was just one wild night, which ain’t exactly the same as a long-term relationship. When it goes to a steady girlfriend, it’s natural that things simmer down a bit over time. Wait until you’re married: you’ll be in and out within five minutes while your missus is still doing the crossword.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
A friend recently showed me some photos on his mobile of him boning a very hot girl. The problem is, the girl is a good friend of mine. Should I tell her what he’s doing, or keep my mouth shut? I guess what I’m asking is, are you a “bros before hos” kinda guy?
Sean, New York
Send me the pictures and I’ll decide. Seriously, though, this ain’t a question of some bullshit code of male honor. If she’s a friend, and you want her to stay your friend—tell her. Simple as that.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m 54 years old and sex mad. Does the lust ever fade?
Pete, Fife
If you’re a red-blooded man, I firmly believe that the only time you’ll ever get any peace from down below is when you’re in the ground. Until then, the second brain below your waist is gonna be making its own decisions, whether you like it or not. I mean, I’m almost 62 years old, and I still love a good old game of “Where’s the Salami?” Getting anyone to play it with me is another matter entirely. Luckily, as you get older, your memory goes, so if you see a sexy woman and start to feel randy, you can’t remember what it was you were excited about five minutes later. That makes things a lot easier.