Dear Dr. Ozzy:
What’s the nicest way to let a girl know she smells bad, especially, uh, y’know…“down there”?
Ron, Indiana
Try throwing up during sex. As they say, actions speak louder than words.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Is it ever acceptable for a married man to get a lap dance at a strip club?
Louise, Morecambe
If you’re gonna tell your wife about it—no. If you’re gonna NOT tell your wife about it—yes. But they’re stupid places, strip clubs. I know people who spend most of their lives in them, like kids in a toy shop. I’ve never seen the attraction, personally. I mean, every female performer in a titty joint has been up close and personal with about ten other guys in the same night. How is that a turn-on? If someone’s so desperate to see a pair of naked breasts, I suggest they buy a copy of Playboy and save themselves $500.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m a 28-year-old virgin (ouch). I recently met a girl and we tried to make love—but I couldn’t finish. She accused me of indulging in solitary pleasures and wearing “the big chap” out. Is this possible? We tried again in the morning but my problems just got worse, and I couldn’t even achieve match fitness. What’s wrong with me?
Chris, Reading
This could just be nerves, Chris. Also, if you were drinking before your first attempt, that might have stopped you from reaching the fireworks ceremony. Then again, maybe you are “wearing the big chap out”—you don’t exactly seem to be denying it, do you? So my advice to you is calm down, don’t drink beforehand, and cut out the five-knuckle shuffles.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My husband—a builder—has always enjoyed it when I’m dominant in the bedroom, but the other day he asked me to call him a “good little girl” while we were making love. Should I be worried, or do all men have weird fantasies?
Jill, Huddersfield
Look, a lot of guys have strange things that get them going, but this one’s a bit of cause for alarm, don’t you think? I mean, if Sharon asked me to start calling her a “big bad boy” in the bedroom, I’d probably jump out the fucking window, screaming. Having said that, if you don’t mind saying it, and he enjoys hearing it, then good luck to you both. Just make sure to keep a close eye on your underwear drawer, ’cos my guess is that when you leave the house in the morning your mister probably becomes a missus…
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m in a serious relationship, but I’ve been thinking about going to one of those “rub’n’tug” massage parlours. Given that (a) my girlfriend will never know, (b) there’s no chance of picking up an STD, and (c) it doesn’t seem wrong, is there any reason I shouldn’t?
“Jacob,” Riverside, California
A handjob is a very personal thing, and after a lifetime of practise, most blokes get a pretty fucking specific preference for the kind of technique they like. So unless you’re acting as a co-pilot and barking out instructions to your dodgy masseuse every two seconds, it might end up feeling more like she’s skinning a dead rabbit than driving you wild with forbidden pleasure. In fact, it sounds to me like you’ve already built this up in your head to the point where it’s gonna be an expensive disappointment. You also ain’t factored in guilt. It’s all very well you telling Dr. Ozzy that “it doesn’t seem wrong” to hire an extra pair of hands to help out in the monkey-spanking department, but I’m afraid to say that if you’re anything like me, your conscience won’t agree.
IV: ROMANCE
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My girlfriend bites my lip when we kiss. She thinks this is sexy, but actually it really hurts—it’s so bad now, I try to avoid making out. How can I tell her this without hurting her feelings and/or looking like a wimp who can’t take a bit of rough foreplay?
Giles, Fulham
Say to her: “If you’re hungry, I’ll get you a sandwich.” Seriously, you ain’t a wimp for not wanting to go to bed with Jaws every night. I’ve never understood people who get off on being in pain. I mean, life’s hard enough as it is, so why turn the simple pleasure of getting your end away into something that involves ballgags and piano wire? Try biting her back, and see how she likes it. (If it turns her on, you might have a problem.)
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My boyfriend hates all the television shows I watch, and when he criticises them (loudly and every night), it makes me feel like an idiot for wanting a bit of mindless distraction after a hard day at work. Does this mean I should break up with him?
Katy, Somerset
If couples broke up ’cos they didn’t like the same kind of telly, the divorce rate would quadruple overnight. Men and women’s brains are wired differently, so chances are, you ain’t gonna want to watch a documentary on Gulf War tanks, and he ain’t gonna want to watch some slurpy tear-jerker of a makeover show. You need to either take it in turns to watch your favourite shows; buy a second telly; or sit down, make a list of the stuff you both enjoy, and program the DVR accordingly. As for your boyfriend making you feel like an idiot—he probably just thinks he’s as entitled to relax with something he enjoys after a hard day at work as you are. And I’ve gotta admit, I’m guilty of the same thing. I’m always saying to Sharon, “You ain’t watching that fucking crap again, are you?!” Luckily there’s always one thing on we both like: the news.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
As a 30-year-old devout religious Roman Catholic virgin, I am finally considering playing the field until I find that special someone in my life. Is this morally and socially acceptable in the modern world?
Ryan, County Armagh
I think it’s very admirable to hold out that long, ’cos it’s so rare these days. At the same time, I have to say if I hadn’t been laid by the time I was your age, I’d be asking myself, “What’s wrong?” I mean, I was 15 when I lost my virginity, and I was so randy, it felt like my underpants were about to explode. Another problem with holding out is that if you do finally marry someone, what happens if you discover that you don’t like making love to them? You don’t want to marry for lust, either—’cos you’ll spend more time washing the dishes with your other half than you will between the sheets. So my prescription for you is to have one bonk, three times a day, for two weeks. Doctor’s orders.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My girlfriend and I are talking about marriage. She’s awesome, except for one thing: she gives the world’s worst head. I mean, really bad. Is this a good enough reason to move on and find another wife? A life of sub-par BJs seems like a life not worth living.
“Guy,” Colorado
Look, I know blowjobs are quite nice, but life’s not all about blowjobs. And there’s always a tradeoff—for men and women. You could dump this girl and end up with a fiancé who’s amazing at blowjobs but smells like a three-day-old fucking haddock. More important than that, Miss Fellatio USA might be a royal pain in the arse, never help around the house, and end up going down on your best mate while you’re away on a business trip. Why not think of something you’re girlfriend’s good at, and concentrate on that?
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
I have a rather pushy, much older, single (unattractive) neighbour who has strongly hinted at us having a romantic relationship. I’m not interested in the slightest, but he’s not getting the message, and every time I pass him in the street he races up to me. He’s also started to become (inappropriately) touchy-feely. I don’t want to fall out with him—he’s my neighbour—but short of sprinting away when I see him, do I have any other option?
Katie (no address given)
It sounds to me like he’s the kind of guy who won’t give up no matter what you say, so if you’ve already tried the nice way, now’s the time to tell him, “Look, what part of fuck off don’t you understand?” I mean, no-one wants to fall out with their neighbour, but at the same time, you also don’t want to be creeping out of your own front door, and diving into the hedgerow if you see him coming. Why should you have to live like that, when you’re not the one with a pr
oblem? Make it clear: “There’s no chance, there never will be a chance, and if you touch me again I’ll take out a restraining order.”
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’ve just finished college and moved back in with my mum… but now I’ve developed feelings for her (younger) boyfriend, to the point where we flirt and hang out all the time. Should I come clean with my mom, or leave it alone? I didn’t mean for this to happen!
Katy, Oklahoma
You do realize that it’s every bloke’s fantasy to get a mother and her daughter into the sack, don’t you? Check out the internet if you don’t believe me. I mean, if this guy gets into your pants after humping your mum, he’s gonna be bragging about it for the rest of his life. If you’re okay with that, sleep with him. If you’d rather have true love, then you should come clean about what’s going on to your mum—and kick this creep out of the house.
DR. OZZY’S INCREDIBLY HELPFUL TIPS
Rules of Romance
Guys: When trying to get your partner into the sack, avoid phrases like “meat thermometer,” “one-eyed yogurt slinger,” and “cheesy bratwurst.” At least until you’re married.
Girls: they say a home-cooked meal is the way to man’s heart. So are blowjobs, and they take a lot less time. You won’t need a Jamie Oliver cookbook, either.
Guys: Always pay. Or steal, and pretend you paid.* Women: always offer to pay, even if you’d dump the guy in a heartbeat if he made you do it.
Both sexes: Make sure to buy little gifts for your partner at unexpected moments. That way, when you forget a birthday, you’ll get less of a bollocking.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I finally married my girlfriend last year after a decade together. Now she wants kids (her clock is ticking!), but I’m terrified of the thought. What should I do?
Anonymous, USA
Get a dog. That should buy you a year or so. To be brutally honest, though, you should have thought about what she wanted before putting a ring on her finger. Now you’ve gotta be a man and live with the consequences. Who knows? Maybe you’ll enjoy being a dad.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My girlfriend hasn’t had sex with me for months—she’s always too tired after work. Is our relationship dead? What can I do to make her interested in a game of hide-the-sausage?
Adam, Brooklyn
Romance, Adam. You need a bit of romance. That includes not using phrases like “hide the sausage.” As I’ve always said to Sharon, there are 24 hours in a day, so it shouldn’t be so hard to make sure you spend at least one of them with each other. Go on a date. Have dinner together. Or put on a wig and a false beard, check into a B&B, and shag the shit out of each other, like you’re having an affair. Maybe the fact she isn’t going to bed with you is a form of protest. Maybe she just wants more excitement in her life.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My boyfriend and I have split up a few times but keep getting back together—we can’t live apart! Recently, though, the excitement we had six months ago has vanished (especially for him). If ending it all isn’t an option, how can we get the spark back?
Mary, Kent (17 years old)
Listen: at the age of 17, your excitement level is gonna be going up and down like a fiddler’s elbow. Just give it some time. Most teenage relationships don’t last. Then again, I’ve also known people who met each other at your age and lived happily ever after for the rest of their lives. (I’ve also known people who lived together for ten years, got married, then immediately got divorced.) The important thing is to always be yourself. If your boyfriend doesn’t find that exciting enough, then believe me, he ain’t worth the effort.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
After about a year of dating my girlfriend, I’ve finally realized that I enjoy jerking off more than sleeping with her. Is this fucked up? Should I break the news to her?
“Scott,” Connecticut
Let’s face it: it’s hard to beat a good old five-knuckle shuffle. For a start, you don’t have to take your right hand out for dinner before it’ll get down to business. It also doesn’t care if you last five minutes or five seconds—and it ain’t gonna demand an earth-shaking climax of its own. Admitting this to your girlfriend is whole different thing, though. If she’s anything like my own wife, I would advise against it—unless you want to be kicked so hard in the balls, you won’t be able to knock one out again for the next ten years.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I have been with my beautiful wife for twenty years, and our sex life has always been wonderful—but instead of making love every day, like we used to, it’s now just two or three times a week. I’m starting to worry if it’s me or her—and if, as I’m getting older, my desire is fading (I’m 65). Please help, this is such a huge part of my life.
Howard, London
Three times a week—at the age of 65?! Come back to me when it’s three times a year. Seriously, man… you ain’t in a bad place. You need to enjoy yourself while you still can and stop moaning.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m a 42-year-old single man who lives with his mother. Worse than that, I’m a bedwetter. I’m convinced it’s the reason why I’ve never had the confidence to ask a girl out on a date. Please help.
Terry, Lancaster
As I’ve said before, I used to be a bedwetter when I was still drinking. My wife Sharon would have to put on a life jacket when she went to sleep at night. It wasn’t the just bed, either: I’d take a leak in the wardrobe, over the edge of the balcony, in the fridge-freezer, you name it. Eventually I went to my doctor and said, “Look, I don’t want to p*** the bed, but I don’t want to stop drinking.” He told me, “You can have one or the other, but not both.” So if you’re a drinker: stop. In the meantime, go and see your GP. You ain’t gonna tell him anything he ain’t heard before, and this is worth checking out.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
One of my old boyfriends (he dumped me) has just become engaged to a very wealthy, very good-looking, and very well-known French woman. I know it’s not healthy, but I’m obsessing over it. In your experience, what’s the best cure for a jealous heart?
Katherine, Rugby
You could always do what I did when I was dumped by a girl at Silver Blades ice rink in Birmingham: I got the word out to her friends that I was so upset, I was gonna emigrate to Australia (it was a ten-quid offer they were promoting in the travel agent’s at the time). It was all bullshit: I didn’t even have ten pennies in those days, never mind ten quid. But she had me back anyway. Then I realised I didn’t like her that much to begin with. That’s the funny thing with jealousy: it’s not about wanting something ’cos it’ll make you happy—it’s about wanting something ’cos you’ve been told you can’t have it.
Dear Ozzy,
My ex-boyfriend left me for my best friend last summer. Just to rub salt in the wound, I recently found out that he proposed a year to the day after breaking up with me. I’m now considering sending them a steaming bag of shit as a wedding gift. Should I do this, or let karma run its course?
Ashley, New Jersey
Think of it this way, Ashley: your steaming bag of shit IS his karma. Having said that, if you’re gonna send crap in the mail, take a leaf out of my wife’s book, and do it right: put it in a ziplock bag inside of a Tiffany’s box. Everyone loves to get a Tiffany’s box—which makes the thought of them untying the ribbon and bow to find a fresh dump inside even more satisfying.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
A really good friend of mine went on a couple of dates with a very minor celebrity. Each time it felt like a Bachelor episode, because he never made a move. Now, a month later—under a lot of pressure—he’s confessed he has herpes. She still wants to date him, but in my opinion he can’t be trusted. Who’s right here?
Diana, California
Are you absolutely sure he has herpes? I might be wrong, but I don’t think most guys would mention the H-word at all—especially not after two dates—unless they had a raging attack of it that was making their balls glow florescen
t green. To me, it seems like he might be using it as an excuse to cover up an even deeper secret. I mean, you never know: maybe he has a boyfriend on the side, and doesn’t want to sleep with your friend at all.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
I’m a heterosexual man—honestly—but found myself becoming stimulated in the most embarrassing way while getting a Swedish rub-down from a male masseuse. Even worse: it was a couple’s massage, and my wife was lying next to me. She noticed, and hasn’t talked to me since. What can I say to her to make this better?
Eric, Melrose
Oh, Eric. You could always say to your wife, “I’ve never kissed a man—but I might have kissed a man who has.” Seriously, though… I suppose the question is, would your wife have been more or less pissed off if you’d reacted in the same way to a female masseuse? If you think she might have been cooler with it, you could always tell her it was the thought of a menage-a-trois that set you off, not the big glistening hunk of love muscle who was stimulating your deep tissue. Actually, no, don’t do that. All I can say is that in future, you might want to try avoiding other blokes when you’re down the parlour. Personally, I couldn’t think of anything more uncomfortable than being oiled down by some ex-Chippendale while Kenny G plays in the background. Don’t get me wrong: I ain’t got nothing against the gay community. But when someone says the word “Swedish” to me, I think Ingrid Bergman, not Bjorn Borg.