“You’re not happy about this?” He seemed surprised by Jason’s reaction; Jason knew that the fellowship in pediatrics would be a wonderful opportunity for his career, and that his father may have a difficult time understanding his hesitation, but he needed somebody to talk to.
“It’s in Seattle,” Jason stated quietly.
His father looked at him questioningly, nodded his head, acknowledging he knew the location of Seattle Children’s Hospital, but still not getting why Jason wasn’t happy about the situation.
“Kara,” Jason said.
Jeff took a surprised breath, and Jason knew her name had been enough of an explanation and that his father wouldn’t need further clarification. After all, his family knew Jason cared for Kara, but they would not have had any idea it had progressed this far in such a short span of time.
They were still sitting in silence when the waitress approached to take their order. Jeff sat with his hands clasped, under his chin, watching his son pensively, while Jason played with his water glass, slowly swirling the water around.
“Are you going to take it?” Jeff asked after a few more moments of silence. Jason closed his eyes and sighed, then slowly opened them to look at his father, only to look back down without replying.
“Do you love her?” Jeff asked, concerned.
“Yes,” Jason answered, then shook his head, knowing what his father would say. “Her life is here. Her family is here. Hell, she owns her own business. If I take this, if I leave, I’m going alone.”
Jeff frowned and opened his mouth to say something just as their lunch arrived. They ate in silence for awhile before Jeff spoke again.
“You’ve only known each other a few months.” Jason looked up sharply and started to respond, but his father held up one hand for Jason to give him a minute. “Let me finish. I know you love her, I can see that. But this relationship is new, Jason, and the fellowship is something that will affect your entire career. Your life. Are you ready to give that opportunity up?”
Jason slumped down in his seat, defeated. His father was right. He wasn’t ready to give it up. And it was that thought that caused his stomach twist, because if he wasn’t ready to give up the fellowship, did it mean he was ready to give up Kara? What he’d said to his father was true - he loved Kara, but Kara’s life was in Austin, and he couldn’t ask her to leave it.
~*~
After eating lunch with his father, and thanking him for his council, Jason drove around aimlessly, with a heavy heart, lost in thought. It was his phone ringing that pulled him out of his reverie, the caller ID displaying Kara’s name.
For a minute he considered letting it go to voicemail, but instead he hit receive and answered the call. “Hey,” he tried to keep his voice as normal as possible.
“Hey, you will not believe the cake order I just got. It’s for a bachelor party. They want a boob cake. When I hesitated, they altered it to a lingerie boob cake. I figure it’s ok if the boobs have a bra on, you know, so it’s not like I’m baking porn or anything.” Jason chuckled, but even he knew it sounded off. “You okay?” the hesitation in her voice told Jason she could sense that something was wrong.
“Yeah,” Jason sighed. “I had lunch with my dad today, and we talked about some stuff.” He felt horrible for holding back, and he was sure that Kara could tell there was more going on than he was telling her, but he wasn’t ready to talk.
“Want to talk about it?”
“Can we do it tonight? My place?” he asked quietly.
“Of course, I’ll come over after work,” Kara answered. “I should get going now so I can finish up and then I’ll close the shop.”
“I’ll see you in a little bit,” Jason did his best to keep the despair from his voice as he hung up the phone.
~*~
Two hours later Kara walked into Jason’s townhouse to find him sitting on his couch in the quiet living room.
Concerned, she put her purse down and sat next to him, rubbing her hand up his arm. “Hey, are you okay? What is it, Jason?” she asked softly.
“I got the fellowship,” he said quietly.
Kara pulled back slightly, shocked by his words; they were the last she had expected to hear right then. “Wow, I didn’t see that coming,” she gave a small humorless laugh, and rubbed her hands on her thighs. They were suddenly clammy. “I knew you would. Get it, I mean,” she looked down, her breathing picking up as panic began to flow through her body, making it tingle with anxiety. “It’s earlier though, than I expected.”
She couldn’t look at him; the blood rushing in her ears was all she heard. Kara felt the tears welling up and took a deep breath, hoping to keep them at bay. She was suddenly overwhelmed with emotions, the timing was a surprise, but the outcome was not. How had she fooled herself into denying this possibility? Of course Jason got into the fellowship program. She knew he would, and yet here she sat, completely unprepared.
“Come with me,” he whispered, sounding ready to beg. She knew he couldn’t stop himself from asking; she also knew he would know, and understand her answer. They both knew how this scenario played out: He would go, she would stay. And in the end, she could only hope he wouldn’t forget her and that someday he could come back to her.
Kara’s heart ached at his request; she shook her head saying the words he would expect to hear, “I can’t, Jason. My dad is here, my friends, my bakery.” He simply nodded in return. Impasse. His dreams and career, or hers? Perhaps if either of them had a clearer mind, they might have realized it was no longer about his dreams or hers, but about theirs. The dreams they had begun to build together; whether spoken aloud or not, those dreams were there. Only neither head was clear, both were stubborn, and Jason was a man with a terrible track record for long distance relationships.
The silence in the room was stifling when Jason offered up a cliché, “It’s not forever, just for a couple of years.” His words were hollow, his voice sounded flat, and he sounded as if he were trying to convince himself. Kara nodded, the pit in her stomach growing, the pain radiating throughout her body. She closed her eyes against the tunnel vision.
She braced herself; she didn’t want to know, but she had to ask, “What about us?” Her voice was so low she wondered if he had even heard her. They both knew his history, and his understandable hesitation at a long distance relationship. How ironic that he would now be the one in Seattle. Kara took a deep breath, swallowing the bile that had risen in her throat.
Jason didn’t reply and Kara couldn’t help the tears that escaped. She quickly brushed them away hoping he hadn’t seen.
“I’d like to keep in touch.” He couldn’t look her in the eyes. Kara was thankful for this, as he had essentially given her the ‘let’s be friends’ spiel. She closed her eyes and simply nodded her head, not trusting words.
Acquiescing, she finally looked at him, “You know where to find me.” She knew the words were cold but she’d had all she could take. Kara launched herself up from the couch and headed for the front door.
“Kara, wait,” Jason called after her, but she was determined to leave before she groveled at his feet and begged him not to leave her; to give them a chance.
As she grabbed for the door handle Jason came up behind her, planting his palm firmly against the door, keeping it closed.
“Please don’t go,” he begged. Kara continued to hold onto the door knob, not looking back at him.
“I think that’s my line,” she whispered, leaning her head onto the door, feeling the fight drain from her body.
~*~
Jason grabbed her shoulders and turned her around; still she could not look at him, instead looking at the floor as her tears flowed freely now. He wanted to tell her now, he wanted to say he loved her, but the words wouldn’t come out. It would be selfish of him to say it, regardless of its truth. Instead he pulled her to him, crushing her to his chest, his own tears beginning to fall. His heart faltered as he felt her pull away from him, turning her back to him and
reaching for the door. He watched as this time she got it open and crossed to the outside, and stood frozen as the woman he loved got in her van and pulled away from him. He wasn’t sure how long he stood there after her taillights faded, but he was pulled from his stupor by the violent urge to throw up. He ran outside and emptied the contents of his stomach into the shrubs.
~*~
“It’s been two days, Jason. You called in sick; you won’t answer your cell. And seriously, have you even showered? Because, damn, you really smell,” Jaime launched right in as she opened his bedroom door. He began to plot out things he would do to her with her key to his house. She wouldn’t like any of them, but it would teach her a lesson on what happened when she came over uninvited. Especially now, given his current state. She was his twin, how could she not understand?
“What happened?” Jaime demanded. Jason pulled the covers up over his head and rolled over, but his sister reached over and yanked them back down.
“What. Happened,” she repeated, firmly.
“I fucked up,” Jason mumbled.
“Yeah, that’s a given,” she motioned to his cocooned body. “But what exactly did you do that was so bad you stopped bathing? Because really, that doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts us all.”
Jason rolled his eyes and tried to pull the covers back up, but Jaime held her grip firm, which just incensed him more. “Let. Go.” he demanded.
Jaime stopped pulling and loosened her grip. He immediately pulled the covers up to his chin and turned his back to her, hoping she would get the hint and leave. Instead, she kicked off her shoes and climbed into bed with him under the covers. They lay quietly for awhile and Jason began to wonder if his sister had fallen asleep. When he rolled over to check he found her staring at the ceiling. She glanced down at him, then back up, and after a minute, rolled toward him on her side so they were facing each other.
“Tell me,” she quietly pleaded.
“I got the fellowship,” Jason mumbled.
“I thought you wanted the fellowship,” Jaime stated gently.
“I did. I do. It’s an opportunity I can’t pass up.” Why did it feel as though he had to convince her? Or was he simply trying to convince himself?
“So you got the fellowship. How did you ‘fuck up’?” Jaime pushed.
Jason shook his head; the tears he thought had dried up threatened to reappear. “We talked. She can’t leave. She’s got too much going for her here - family, friends, her bakery.” He turned his face into his pillow and took a deep breath, desperately trying to hold back his grief.
Jaime sighed and stroked his hair, “That’s not you fucking up Jason, that’s you guys realizing you’re both adults, and that you both have responsibilities. Of course she can’t just up and move with you.”
“I told her I wanted to keep in touch,” he interrupted her.
Jaime stared at him blankly for a minute and he continued, “She asked ‘what about us,’ and I told her I wanted to keep in touch.” He could see the realization of what he had said dawning on Jaime’s face.
Jaime opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. She rolled onto her back away from her brother and returned to looking at the ceiling.
“I swear to God, I’m going to find Kate and neuter her. Or whatever it is they do to women to take away their sex drive. Spay? No, that’s not right, that’s what you do so pets don’t breed. You’re a doctor, what would you do to take away a woman’s desire for sex? Because that’s what I’m going to do. She needs to watch her back. Bitch is gonna get it, she has it coming,” Jaime continued to rant, trailing off as Jason started to snigger at her outburst.
“Well, from what I hear, marriage does the trick. You going to marry her?”
Jaime turned back to her brother, a small smile spreading at seeing his own. She reached out and stroked his cheek, feeling the dampness from his tears.
“You love her?” Jaime was his twin, she had to already knew the answer.
“No. You can neuter, spay, or marry Kate if you want,” Jason quipped.
Jaime just looked at her brother. He chewed on his lip and felt his eyes well up slightly, nodded yes, then rolled onto his back and rubbed the heels of his palms into his eyes.
“God, I’m such a pussy.”
“Yeah, but I already knew that. You can’t keep shit like that from a twin.” Jaime reached over and bumped her brother’s shoulder. She waited for a minute, then got up and walked to his bathroom to turn on the shower for him.
“Come down when you’re done, I’ll make you lunch.” It was best not to give him options at this point. He knew that while he was showered, she would try to figure out damage control, if it was even possible.
Twenty minutes later Jason came downstairs smelling better, even if he didn’t actually look it.
Jaime had handed him a cup of fresh, hot coffee, along with a sandwich she had put together for him.
“Thanks,” he mumbled, accepting the cup and taking a sip, while choosing to stare at the sandwich in front of him instead of eat it.
“Eat it, Jason.”
He rolled his eyes and put down the mug of coffee to pick up the sandwich and take a bite. It had no taste and Jason had no idea what was even on it. He choked the bite down, setting the rest of the sandwich back on the plate in front of him.
“So what are you going to do?” Jaime finally asked. She would help him, he knew this,in any way she could, but first he had to figure out if he even wanted her to. Could he fix this? More importantly, should he? He loved Kara, this he knew, but he also knew he was driven to succeed as a physician. This fellowship was important. And he was damaged, Kate had seen to that. Was there a point in making a plan to win Kara back, or was it best to let the wound heal in time, and allow him to let Kara go altogether?
Jason sat, staring into his cup of coffee. “I’m going to Seattle,” he finally answered.
Chapter Seventeen
Having made his decision regarding the fellowship, Jason took care of the important task of departing from his position at the hospital. He’d informed the chief resident as well as administration about his plans to apply for the fellowship from the beginning, and all parties were aware and co-operative when Jason received word. Sad to see him go, his boss made it clear if he were to return there would be a position waiting for him.
The next item off his list had been to contact a realtor and lease out his townhouse for the two years he would be away. He couldn’t bring himself to sell it outright, even knowing there was a possibility he may not return from Seattle, should he choose to continue his career there. The truth was part of him felt like he needed the door still open, a link to her, or at least to this place.
Her. He tried desperately not to think about her. He hadn’t spoken to her since she’d left his townhouse, and every time her name drifted through his thoughts, he felt a sharp jab of pain pierce his heart. He couldn’t sever the connection completely, though. Through Jaime, Jason discovered Kara wasn’t faring any better than he was; if anything, Jaime seemed to think she was worse. With every scrap of news he hated himself more for doing this to her, to them both. And still he couldn’t bring himself to call her. Jason wanted so badly to go to her, tell her the words he had yet to say. He yearned to tell her he loved her, to convince her they would be alright, but he couldn’t; he’d already experienced first-hand the anguish of a failed long distance relationship.
But the selfish side of him continued to try and convince his brain he could have it all; he could take the fellowship, advance his career, and then marry the girl. Sadly, reality always won out in the end, and in Jason’s reality the boy didn’t get the girl. In Jason’s reality he was leaving Austin to live in Seattle, for an as of yet undetermined amount of time, and the weight of that pain nearly crushed him each time he thought about it.
A knock on the door snapped Jason away from his thoughts and back to reality, and announced the arrival of the realtor he’d contacted. He straightened up and
squared his shoulders as he approached the door, and opened it hesitantly. The realtor had been thorough; the contracts were drawn up, and Jason was informed there were tenants already waitlisted for his townhouse, all that was left for him to do was to sign the papers. He sat on the couch with the pen in his hand, staring at the lease forms forlornly, then quickly scribbled his signature. As the realtor left, the door closed behind her with finality.
Jason leaned against the closed door as the empty feeling returned to his chest, leaving him hollow. He allowed himself to wallow in his grief for a few minutes, allowed himself to absorb the knowledge that he was moving on without Kara, then used his fists to bang out the feelings he couldn’t seem to expel any other way, before he forced himself to shut it down. He turned around and leaned his back against the door, slid slowly to the ground until his arms rested on his knees, and he hung his head. The sound of his phone ringing snapped him out of his daze, and he realized he was unsure of how long he’d been sitting there, staring at nothing. He rolled onto his knees and groaned as he pulled himself off the ground while he looked around for his phone. Spotting it, he walked over to where it sat on the counter, and checked the display. Jaime. Jason was expecting her at his place with boxes soon, and he hoped she wasn’t calling to tell him she was delayed; he needed to get this over with and get his things packed, and shipped, as soon as possible.
“Hey,” he answered the phone.
“Hey, sorry, I’m running late,” Jaime launched in, and Jason could barely hear her over the road noise in the background.
Jason sighed in irritation. “How late?”
Jaime was quiet for a minute before she answered, “I’ll be there in about an hour.”
Jason rolled his eyes, not caring if she couldn’t see him, “Fine.”
The silence on the phone made Jason think perhaps Jaime had hung up on him, and to be honest, he wouldn’t have blamed her, his attitude had been horrible lately. However, a quick glance at the ID display showed the call still connected. He put the phone back to his ear, and after a moment of silence, Jaime spoke up.