Tahdaon swallowed past the lump in his throat. The image of what Edmund had done to her would forever be branded on his heart and mind. She had been so mentally and physically broken that he had wondered how she would ever be whole again.
“After everything that's happened-”
She placed her fingers over his mouth. “I don't want to think about that now.”
Neither did he, but he didn't want to be the cause of any more pain in her life either.
He shuddered as her fingers found the hem of his shirt and she ran her hands up his abdomen and over his chest. Her touch burned through his insecurities and apprehension, and all he could think about was the taste of her as he trailed his tongue over her bottom lip.
She kissed him fervently as she undressed him, and when she pulled her nightdress over her head and stood naked before him, he nearly came undone.
“Are you sure you want this?” he croaked, as she began stroking him.
She smiled up at him, and there was only love and acceptance in her eyes.
His fingers tangled in her hair as he brought his mouth hard against hers.
“I don't want to hurt you,” he repeated against her lips, his breathing ragged as he tried to hold back.
She brushed her fingers over the faint white scar along his jaw. “The only way you hurt me is when you pull away.”
“I know,” he said, bringing her hand to his lips and savouring the softness of her skin.
If only life were that simple, he thought, his heart racing as he picked her up and carried her to the bed. Staring down at her, he knew that he had never loved anyone the way he loved her. If only it were enough.
Cara gazed up at him, her eyes searching, her need and arousal clearly written on her face.
She made him ache for more, for something that would never be possible. When the war was over, she would have to make a choice. If he gave his whole heart to her, how could he walk away unbroken?
His child grew inside her, a child that would never be acknowledged as legitimate, at least not in the southern provinces. The family that they could be, that he wanted them to be, wasn't possible.
In the end he knew she would choose Finn. Even Efy or Helfrich would be a better choice than he would. Once they defeated Edmund, Elbia would still be in a state of conflict, the country would never have accepted a Dalglieshan king in the best of times.
Every minute that passed only drew him closer to the time when she would leave him, a time when he would no longer be able to hold her or make love to her.
He placed his forehead against hers, closed his eyes and sighed.
“Stop worrying,” she whispered, tracing the line of his brow with her fingers.
He huffed, “That's like asking a fish not to swim.”
Laughing, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down so that he was lying on top of her.
“You'll have weeks alone on the open sea with just your thoughts, but right now you have me. Don't waste our last night together worrying about what may or may not happen.”
She nipped at his chin playfully, easing him out of his melancholy, and helping him to refocus on what was right in front of him.
As he entered her, he held her gaze, needing to watch her, to see the same desire and need that pierced his soul.
A ragged moan escaped her lips as he thrust deeper. Her face was flushed, her dark eyes locked on his as she arched towards him.
He kissed her with a fierce and desperate hunger, devouring her until she was shaking beneath him, her body lifting to meet his as she cried out in pleasure. Burying himself deep inside her, he growled low in his throat as he found his own release.
Spent and sated, he lay on his back, and pulled her into his arms, cradling her against his chest.
She would be his undoing, he was sure of it.
“I love you Tahdaon,” Cara said softly, almost inaudibly.
In that moment he almost reciprocated the words of love he knew she wanted to hear.
What good would it do to either of them?
If she knew how much he wanted her, needed her, it would only make her decision that much harder.
No, she could never know what was truly in his heart.
“I'll stay with you until morning,” he whispered, his voice full of regret as he pulled her closer to him.
She nodded against his chest and relaxed in his arms. It wasn't long before her breathing changed, and he knew she was asleep. She always slept better when she was in his arms.
He wondered if she slept as well when Finn held her.
For her sake he hoped she did.
He had no right to be jealous, but as he lay there, staring into the growing darkness, he knew there was a part of him that despised Finn. Hated him for the future that he would have with Cara. A life that Tahdaon would have to witness, knowing that if things were different, it could have been his.
Tahdaon blew out a frustrated breath and tried to redirect the anger that was building inside him. It wasn't Finn that he needed to worry about. His enemies were far viler and much more dangerous.
It was vengeance that needed to consume him. Retaliation against those who had harmed the people he cared about.
Before this was over, Ballack would pay for what he had done to his mother, and Edmund's blood would spill soon after.
Tahdaon knew what he had to do, his only regret was having to deceive Cara in order to accomplish it. She would never let him leave if she found out what his true purpose was for wanting to go to Drumna.
Once he secured his mother, sister, and her children on the ship headed to Muir, he would return to Ballack's castle in Knowl, and this time he wouldn't have Cara's safety to distract him from doing what had to be done.
Ballack and Edmund would finally pay for their crimes.
If he couldn't have Cara, then he would have the next best thing.
Revenge.
Chapter 32
Something felt wrong. Cara didn't know what it was that needled at her mind, warning her of some imposing danger, but she couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was about to happen.
“Everything's fine,” Maeve assured, patting her hand.
Cara shook her head and looked down at her hands that rested on her slightly rounded belly. “Tahdaon should have been back a week ago. What if something happened and they weren't able to leave Drumna? What if—”
“It isn't good for you or the baby to worry so much.”
“I know,” she muttered.
“Maeve's right,” Finn said as he entered the room. “There's no need worrying yourself. Keghan just informed me that one of his ships was spotted entering the harbor a couple of hours ago.”
“Tahdaon?” Cara asked anxiously, ignoring the frown Finn gave her.
“Keghan believes so. He sent some of his men to the harbor. They should be returning within the hour.”
Cara let out an elongated. “We should go down to the courtyard and wait for them to arrive.”
Finn knelt beside her and laced his fingers with hers. “There's a chill in the air. You should stay inside by the fire.”
Annoyed with his coddling, Cara pulled her hand free from his grasp. “I trekked across the entire country and survived. I think I can handle some fresh air without catching my death.”
Finn stiffened, but his voice remained calm. “Don't be angry with me. I just don't want you to get sick.”
“I know,” she said regretting her outburst.
Brushing a strand of blond hair behind his ear, she offered him a small smile.
Maeve cleared her throat and stood. “I think I'll go and see if there is anything that needs to be done to prepare for their arrival. I'm looking forward to having Tia and her children here.”
Cara nodded and followed Maeve with her eyes as she left the room. She had thought the same thing. Her own experience with children and infants was limited. It would do her good to spend time with Tia's children before her own was born.
Finn stood, pulling her off her chair and wrapping his arms around her in an embrace.
“Is it wrong that I'm disappointed Tahdaon is back so soon?”
Cara rolled her eyes at him. She didn't know how he could be so confident and yet so possessive at the same time.
“Perhaps he has news about your father and brothers,” she said, changing the subject.
“If they are following our original plan, then we shouldn't hear from them until spring. We need Ballack to think that the southern provinces have retreated for the moment.”
“Which places Dalgliesh as his prime target,” Cara murmured, as a wave of guilt washed over her. “I just pray that the men Keghan sent will reach Drumna in time.”
“Ballack has numbers on his side, but the city is fortified and Osker is smart. Drumna won't fall easily.”
“I hope you're right.”
* * *
Tia offered Cara a warm but cautious smile as she exited the carriage holding a small squawking bundle. Wynne followed behind her, Duffy's chubby hand in tow.
Cara glanced among the faces that had arrived with them, but none of them belonged to Tahdaon. Cara bit her lip as her apprehension returned.
“Can you take her for me?” Tia asked, holding the infant out for Cara to hold.
“Oh, I—” Cara didn't get the chance to protest as the crying infant was thrust into her arms.
“Thank you,” Tia said, stretching her neck and shoulders. “Pray that you never have to spend two weeks on a ship with a newborn and toddler.”
Cara managed to smile as she cradled the infant and tried unsuccessfully to soothe her.
Wynne smiled at Cara as she approached. In a swift glance, the older woman examined her head to toe, and then pulled her into an embrace that only made the infant cry louder.
“I'm glad to see you safe my dear. You had us all worried when you disappeared. Tahdaon said you had been quite ill, but you seem to be doing much better.”
“I am.”
“Good girl,” Wynne said, patting Cara's cheek affectionately. “It doesn't feel like it at the time, but sickness early in pregnancy means that the child is strong. She'll need that strength in the difficult years ahead.”
Not sure how to interpret Wynne's comment, Cara looked down at Tia's daughter and asked, “What's her name?”
“Her name's Shanlee,” Tia answered.
“Shanlee,” Cara repeated, as she studied the tiny fingers that flayed wildly.
“Gramma,” Duffy said, pulling on her skirts with his chubby hands. “I'm hungry.”
“All right dear, let's get you inside.”
“I'll take her now,” Tia said, carefully transferring her daughter back into her arms. “Come inside so we can talk.”
Cara frowned as she glanced once more around the courtyard.
“He's not here,” Tia said softly.
“What do you mean? Where is he?”
“Come inside,” she repeated. “It's freezing out here.”
“Has something happened?” Cara asked, fighting to keep her voice steady as raw panic tore through her.
Cara held her breath as she waited for Tia to answer her. The woman's uneasiness and unwillingness to answer only increased her apprehension.
Tia studied her for a long moment and then shook her head and sighed. “He chose to stay in Drumna.”
“What? Why?”
“He wouldn't tell me, but I can only assume that he is going back to Knowl to confront Ballack and Edmund.”
“He wouldn't!” Cara cried, her anger replacing anxiety. “How could you let him go?”
Tia gave her a hard look. “You know as well as I do how pigheaded that man is. Once he has his mind set on something, there is no reasoning with him.”
“I just heard,” Finn said as he approached.
“We have to go after him,” Cara demanded. “We have to stop him before he gets himself killed.”
Placing her hand on Cara's shoulder, Tia spoke calmly. “The window for travelling down the coast by sea has passed. No one is going anywhere until spring. Even if you were able to make it to Drumna, you have your child and your kingdom to worry about.”
Cara shrugged Tia's hand away. “You left him there to die.”
Tia's eyes darkened and she started to retort, but Finn put his hand up to stop her.
“Tia, go inside. The cook has some warm stew on the stove. We'll be there in a moment.”
When Tia was gone, Finn turned on her. “Don't blame Tia for Tahdaon's choices. You had no right to speak to her that way.”
“Did you know about this? Did he tell you what he was planning?”
“No,” Finn said more gently.
Cara cursed as she realized what Tahdaon intended. “He's going after Ballack. Alone. He plans on assassinating him.”
“You don't know what he's planning. Tahdaon isn't stupid. He wouldn't attempt to go after the man alone. What possible reason would he have to do such a thing?”
“Revenge. Believe me, Tahdaon has more reason to hate Ballack then anyone.” She had only hoped that his love for her was stronger than his need for vengeance.
Finn's eyes went round and his jaw went slack. “The rumors are true then? Ballack is Tahdaon's father?”
Cara neither confirmed nor denied the statement. “Edmund will kill him. Finn, you saw what he did to Callion. A man he barely knew. What do you think he will do when he catches Tahdaon? You know how much he hates him.”
“There's nothing we can do now,” Finn replied. “He left you here because he knew you would be safe.”
“He left me here to give birth to his child while he goes off to die.”
Finn drew her towards him.
“The men have news,” Efy said as he approached. “It appears that Edmund is leading the assault against Drumna. Ballack has returned to Knowl, and there are rumors that he has declared the city to be the new capital. His entire army has retreated from the Holy city and returned north.”
“Why would he do that?”
“The city of Annul has been decimated. Ransacked and looted,” Efy said, his face pale, his eyes filled with regret. “Even if we win this war, there's nothing to go back to.”
A wave of nausea washed over her.
“Was there any word from Helfrich or Hauk?”
Efy shook his head.
“I need to lie down,” Cara insisted, suddenly feeling the cold more deeply, as if it had seeped into her bones, causing her muscles to ache.
She needed to be alone, needed time to think.
How could Tahdaon leave her when he knew how much she needed him? How much his child would need him?
He had chosen revenge over her, over his unborn child.
The truth left a bitter taste in her mouth.
She had struggled with what she would do if and when they won the war and she was crowned queen. She knew everyone expected her to choose Finn, as it was the only logical choice. Still, she had struggled with what her heart wanted and what she knew was best for Elbia. If he had confessed, even just once, that he loved her, she would have found a way for them to be together.
What a fool she'd been.
Even in her anger she knew she would always love him, but she didn't have the luxury for such daydreams.
Elbia was all that mattered now.
* * *
Winter passed slowly in Muir.
Once the snow began to fall, Cara wondered if it would ever subside. While there were a few months of the year when snow fell in Crowthorne, it was rare for it to settle, but in Muir, the snow gathered, sometimes piling so high that it came up to a grown man's waist.
Months went by without any word from the outside world. Any movement in or out of Muir would have been treacherous, as large parts of the harbor were covered in ice, and the surrounding hills were blanketed in a white covering of snow.
Finn had taken to staying with her every night, but not even the comfort of his arms could keep her nightmar
es at bay. Asleep and awake, images of death assaulted her.
As time went on without any word from Tahdaon, Cara became convinced that Edmund had captured him, and the thought terrified her, but there was nothing that she could do except sit and wait.
She was trapped in Muir.
Cara knew Tahdaon had brought her there to keep her safe, but to her the isolation seemed more like a prison than a refuge.
There was little to do, and Cara often found herself sitting idly in the company of the women and children.
She had grown more comfortable with Tia's children, but despite her efforts, Cara didn't feel the same maternal instincts that the other women seemed to have in abundance.
Cara watched Maeve, the way she naturally bonded and cared for the little ones, and Cara couldn't help but feel ashamed and guilt-ridden for the ambivalence she had towards the child she carried.
Maeve would have been a wonderful mother, and Cara saw the yearning in her cousin's eyes, every time she held little Shanlee or bounced Duffy on her knee.
As her own body grew heavy with child, Cara felt nothing but fear and anxiety over her own impending motherhood.
Wynne tried to reassure her, but her cryptic words laced with hints of prophecy only gave Cara more apprehension, and there were many dark moments when Cara found herself wishing that she had taken the herbs that would have ended the pregnancy when she had the chance.
What kind of future could Cara give the child, and what was she supposed to do with a newborn when she had a war to fight?
Cara began to retreat further into herself, spending hours alone sitting by the fire, reading the histories of the queens and kings of Elbia. Looking for answers in the yellowed pages of the ancient books.
As the snow melted and the weather warmed, Cara finally knew what she had to do. It was a difficult decision, and one that she imagined would haunt her for the rest of her life, but it was a choice that would give her child its best possible outcome.
“A ship arrived this morning,” Finn said from the doorway of her room.
Lost in her thoughts, Cara looked up at him puzzled.
“The harbor has been opened, and a ship has docked carrying a messenger from Drumna. Keghan is meeting with the men now.”