I was afraid. And once again, I let him walk away.
It seemed we were doomed to keep repeating ourselves, on and on, ad infinitum.
My door creaked open as a tear slipped down my cheek. “Rosie?” Lily called from my doorway.
“Hey,” I answered, the sound muffled, and I bent my neck to wipe my tear away against the comforter.
The fan clicked off, my lamp clicked on, and the mattress dipped as Lily climbed in with me. She tugged gently at the edge of the blanket. “You in there?”
“No.”
“Come on. Give up some blanket. It’s cold in here.”
I peeked out and found her familiar, smiling face, eyes big and soft, and fresh tears burned the backs of my eyes. I blinked to ease them and shuffled to relinquish a hearty portion of my shelter.
We turned to face each other.
“Patrick told me what happened.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Well, sort of. You know, in that Tricky way — one sentence at a time and with very broad strokes.”
I chuckled.
“You okay?”
“Not really.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“Not really.”
She smiled, and the gesture she made told me she thought I was full of shit.
I sighed. “I don’t even know what to say. He was here, and it was good. And then Seth came poking around, and now he’s gone.”
She gave me a look. “Are you really trying to blame this on Seth?”
“Well, sort of. If he hadn’t shown up jingling the keys to his apartment, we wouldn’t have had the fight.”
“Fair enough, but that isn’t really what the fight was about, was it?” she asked like she already knew the answer.
I dodged the question with one of my own. “What did Tricky say?”
“He said he was moving in with Seth and didn’t give up all that much about the actual fight. Just something about him being convenient and you not being ready.”
I resisted the urge to burrow into my covers so she couldn’t see me. “I don’t know, Lil. It started off about Seth, but it wasn’t really about Seth at all. It was about us. It was the truth about how we saw everything, and it didn’t feel good to hear. It didn’t feel good to say.”
“Well, that doesn’t sound irreparable. Maybe you just need some time to cool off.”
“I don’t think so. I think …” I swallowed hard. “I think this is it. He wanted me to ask him to stay, and I didn’t. I couldn’t. I let him down, but it wasn’t fair either, to demand that I just say what he wanted on the spot.”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t be dramatic, Rose.”
“Ha. That’s funny coming from you.”
“Ha, ha.” She pinched my arm, and I snickered. “I mean, I get it. You don’t do well under pressure or when you’re put on the spot.”
“No, being backed into a corner does that to me.” I sighed.
She shook her head. “No, you’re right. That wasn’t very fair.”
“But then … I don’t know.” I shuffled under the blanket, feeling uncomfortable. “We hurt each other. I don’t think there’s any way for us to get past it. I don’t think either of us can get over what we feel to see the other one’s side.”
“So it’s snowballed into this dirty old mess.”
“No, the dirty old mess had been brewing. Probably since the first time I ever laid eyes on him.”
She gave me a look. “Seriously, who are you, dramawhore?” she joked.
“I don’t know,” I said with a hint of desperation. “I feel like I’m devolving. Next thing you know, I’ll be crying into a tub of ice cream watching The Notebook.”
“I thought your period was over.”
My face pinched. “I don’t need an excuse to have feelings, Lilith!”
She laughed. “I mean, I can get some Ben & Jerry’s and make this happen. In fact, I’ve got some Boom Chocolatta in West’s freezer, if you want me to get it.”
I chewed my lip. “Maybe.”
“Just say the word.”
I looked into her eyes, and sadness overcame me. “Everything has changed.”
“I know,” she said softly.
“I don’t know where I fit in. Neither does Patrick. That’s why he was here, really, and I get it. And at some point, probably soon, you and West are going to really move in together. And then what happens?”
She sighed and picked at the blanket. “Honestly, we haven’t really even talked about it. I don’t mind Tricky being around, and neither does West, but he seems to mind being around us, beyond the whole sex thing. Don’t get me wrong, he hasn’t made me feel unwelcome or anything, but I can tell that something bothers him about it, something bigger than how he feels about West and me.”
“You’re a reminder that we’re alone.”
She didn’t respond, though her eyes went even softer.
I reached for her hand. My best friend. “For all that time, we were alone together. It’s just different now. You and West are like a unit. It’s not like we don’t see you alone, but part of you is always with the other one. It’s beautiful and brilliant, and we want that for you, but it underscores the things we lack. For a second, I thought … “ I sighed again. “I guess I thought Patrick and I had found something together again. I should have known we’d never work out. We’re doomed.”
“You two just need to talk to each other,” she said, matter-of-factly.
“We don’t talk, Lily.”
“Ugh, that’s so annoying.”
“What? Not everyone’s like you.”
She huffed. “I know, but still. Ninety percent of your problems would be solved if you just talked about it.”
“But this is our thing. This is how we work, Lil. When we’re fine, we’re fine. And when we aren’t, we walk away and shut down. The issue is that we’re both like that, so a grand total of zero problems get solved.”
“So break the cycle. Go talk to him.” She gave the advice like it was just that simple.
“And say what? I swear to God, I walk into conversations with him with every intention of being honest and open, but in the moment it’s like my dum-dum switch gets flipped, and I lock up. Like my mouth just goes on the fritz and all I can say is stuff like ‘Whatever,’ and ‘Fine.’ That’s not a conversation. We just don’t know anything else.”
“What about writing him a letter? That way you can think about everything you want to say.”
“I don’t even know what I want to say.”
“Well, obviously you need to figure that out first.”
I thought about it, about what I’d say, but the second the ache in my chest peaked, I pushed it all away again. “I’m not ready.”
Lily smiled and pulled me into a hug. “Well, that’s step one. And there’s no rush.” She squeezed me tighter. “It’s all gonna be okay, Rosie.”
The tears found their way back, hot and burning at the back of my eyes, emotion climbing up my constricted throat. I couldn’t find it in me to be so optimistic.
29
PRINCE SOLVES EVERYTHING
Patrick
I WALKED WITH WEST TOWARD Habits that night full of dread, feeling no better about any of it after a long conversation he and I had in his apartment, rehashing it all. My only comfort was the resolve I found, strengthened with every conversation I had about it.
Rose and I were bad for each other. There was no repairing what we’d shredded — we’d done enough damage for a lifetime.
Everyone would be meeting tonight because Maggie had been accepted as a full-time, salaried employee at the homeless shelter, and I’d never refuse to be there to congratulate her just because of Rose and me. I’d been making it work without her for all these months. Now was no different.
The minute we walked through the door and I saw her behind the bar, I realized how much of a lie that was.
I almost stopped walking but caught myself and pressed on, averting my eye
s from hers to scan for everyone else. The group stood gathered at the end of the bar, laughing and smiling as always, the happy couples, plus me and Rose.
They greeted us as we approached.
I made my way around to say my hellos, congratulating Maggie with a kiss on her cheek, trying to put as much physical distance as I could between me and Rose, to match the chasm between us. But it was no use. Somehow I found a way to step to the bar and order a drink from her, standing in silence watching her pour in silence. I couldn’t look away. She seemed happy enough, shoulders back and chin high. But I knew it was for show. I could feel her pain just as much as if it were my own.
She avoided my eyes, handed over my drink as I passed her cash and found a place to stand where I was far enough away, at an angle where we wouldn’t make eye contact. Every minute was torture, and soon after finishing my drink, I said goodbye.
The evening was chilly for June, the wind blowing just enough to push the cold through you, into your bones. But I didn’t want to take a cab. I wanted to feel the cold, feel the ground under my feet. I wanted to remember why this was the right thing to do, the only thing to do. But I found myself searching for answers, repeating the reasons over and over in my head, like a prayer.
Rose
Being in the same room with him was hell.
I felt him when he walked in, my eyes finding him, his finding mine before snapping away like he didn’t know me. The only words we spoke were when he ordered his drink, his gaze on me so heavy as I poured, I could barely breathe. But when he left a few minutes later, it was without a glance.
The chill crept into my heart.
The second he was gone, our friends looked at me like my grandma had died. I rolled my eyes, playing it off like I didn’t feel like I’d been shot.
“Cut it out, guys.”
Everyone tentatively looked away, and Cooper took the lead, sparking a new conversation with the group. Lily leaned on the bar with her brow furrowed.
“You okay?” she asked quietly.
“I’m fine.”
Her eyes were on her drink, but her brows were up. “You can’t lie to me, Rose Fisher.”
I took a breath, dropping my chin as my eyes narrowed and emotion climbed up my throat. “What do you want from me, Lil? That fucking sucked. That was terrible, and I want to crawl under this bar and drink a bottle of whiskey alone.” My voice trembled. “There. Do you feel better? Was that honest enough for you?”
She eyed me. “Karaoke.”
I huffed and threw my hands up. “That’s not an answer, goddammit.”
Lily shrugged. “Of course it is. You want world peace? Get the whole world together to karaoke The Humpty Dance.” She turned around on her stool to face Ellie and Maggie. “Karaoke is happening. You in?”
Cooper opened his mouth to speak, but Lily waved her finger at him.
“Nope. Girls only. Whaddaya say, ladies? I think a little karaoke therapy in the form of “When Doves Cry” is just what the doctor ordered for Rosie here.”
I rolled my eyes again, swallowing my tears, joking past the pain. “Please. Prince is way out of my range.”
The girls nodded and laughed, and Lily turned to me, looking smug. “See? It’s happening.”
I shook my head. “I can’t. I’m going to be here until like three in the morning.”
Lily flagged Shelby. “Shelbs — can we steal mopey Rosie tonight before closing? We need to get her liquored up and singing eighties songs, stat.”
“Yeah, you do.” She smiled. “As soon as this rush dies, get out of here.”
I tried not to scowl at the adorable traitor, though I narrowed my eyes at Lily. “All right. You win.”
She laughed, clearly gloating. “What’s new?”
A few hours later, the four of us sat at a high bar table as a man in a cowboy hat with a thick grey mustache sang a Roy Orbison song, eyes closed and face full of conviction.
“Karaoke rules.” I raised my glass and whooped along with the rest of the crowd when he finished. Once I’d gotten a solid howl in, I slammed the end of my whiskey and picked up the fresh glass our waitress had just dropped by.
We were all undeniably drunk. And I was numb enough that I could pretend like the last few days hadn’t happened. It all seemed far away, like a story of something that happened to a girl named Rose and not like it was my actual life.
Five or six or eight whiskeys did that to me.
The DJ came on the PA and called Ellie’s name. She hopped off the stool and bounded over to the stage, giggling into the microphone.
“Hi, everybody.”
The men whistled and cheered, and she grinned, smoothing her short dress over her hips just as “Like a Virgin” began, and we witnessed the most hilarious, Betty Boop rendition of the song I’ve ever heard in person. It was all wagging hips and puckered lips, her cleavage banging and red hair spilling over her shoulders. I swear to God, every man in the place had his eyes glued to her. I could practically hear a collective aooga when she ran her free hand down her body during the chorus.
We could not stop laughing.
“I’m gonna pee,” Lily squeaked.
“Oh, my God, if you pee, I’m Instagramming it.” I breathed.
Maggie couldn’t even make noise. She dropped her head to the table, shoulders shuddering with laughter.
Ellie waggled her fingers at us and winked, giggling again at us in the microphone as she strutted across the stage, stroking the mic like a giant dick.
By the time she finished, we’d caught our breaths enough to scream for her as she hung up the mic.
“Marry me,” some random guy screamed from the crowd.
Ellie smiled in his direction. “Show me your bank statements, and you’re in, honey.” She twiddled her fingers to whistles and screams as she stepped off the stage.
We clapped and cheered as she approached.
“That was amazing!” Maggie clapped.
Ellie smiled and did a little curtsy before sitting down. “Thank you. That song always kills it in karaoke. The only thing better is when a hairy fat guy sings it.”
I shook my head, laughing. “I swear you were a stripper in your past life.”
“I can’t help it. I’ve got all this to work with.” She motioned to her curvy body. “Like, do you know how easy it is for me to twerk? Look, I’ll show you.” She started to get up, and we laughed even harder.
I touched her arm. “Later. When you have pants on.”
“Pfft.” She waved her hand, not the least bit ashamed, though she did sit back down.
The next singer came on, and she was really good, belting out “Barracuda” like an absolute pro. Maggie and Ellie shimmied in their seats to the beat, singing along.
Lily took a minute to leaned into me. “Feel any better?”
I smirked and held up my drink. “Once again, you were right. Karaoke solves problems.”
“Or at least puts a little distance between you and them for a while.”
I booped her nose. “Aww, a Drily truth nugget.”
She nodded seriously. “When Drunk Lily advances to Drily status, important conversations are had.”
“It’s so true. Liquor affects your filter in the best way.”
She chuckled and picked up her gin and tonic. “Drosie’s not so bad herself.”
I shrugged, unimpressed. “Drosie’s workable. I will say though that I’m a little worried about keeping Drellie’s clothes on.”
“Yeah, you may not be wrong there.” She raised her glass to toast mine. “Tricky, who?”
“Tricky, who,” I chimed and clinked my glass to hers.
“Any ideas on what to do next about all of this?”
I sniffed and made a face. “Not really. I guess get through the weird and hope someday we can be around each other again. But right now, I don’t really want to see him.”
She leaned in, eyes squinted like she couldn’t see me. “Is that true? Like, really real true?”
> “Yes and no, I guess. Part of me wants to see him and pretend everything is fine and then fuck his brains out. The other part never wants to lay eyes on him again and really, really wants to forget he ever existed.” I took another drink. “I guess it’s entirely possible that we won’t see each other much, now that he’s staying with Seth.” The pit in my stomach could have echoed, it was so black and dark.
She sighed. “The whole thing just sucks. After everything, you guys staying together, almost getting back together. I mean, what a fucking tease.”
“I know.”
Lily nibbled on her lip. “I feel partially responsible.”
“Why would you feel responsible? It had nothing to do with you.” I touched her arm.
She gave me puppy dog eyes, and my lips pressed flat.
“What did you do?”
She grabbed the end of her hair and twisted it around her finger. “Well, it was West’s idea.”
My eyes narrowed. “What was West’s idea?”
“Well, I’m getting there, if you’d let me talk.”
I sat back in my chair and picked up my drink, folding my arm under my elbow, feeling prickly. “Please. Be my guest.” I gestured with my glass.
She took a drink and then she took a breath. “So, we obviously know how you two feel about each other, and the … challenges you face. You know, the whole not talking to each other situation.”
“I’m aware.”
She looked guilty as hell. “Well, we maybe, sort of, kind of, were faking the whole loud sex thing.”
I blinked. “What?”
“I mean, it wasn’t always fake,” she clarified. “Sometimes it was very real.” She snickered.
I held up a hand and made a face. “Ew.”
“Anyway, I suggested to Patrick that he should sleep in my bed, and then West and I set an alarm every night to wake up and bang on the walls. West even sabotaged all those fans and white noise machines he kept buying in the hopes he would start sleeping over there, and that you guys would … I don’t know. Be forced to make amends.”