“Hanging in there?”
He smiled. “Feels good.”
“Then let’s ride.” I pushed our pace a little faster, and he kept up, finally getting to the point where he could talk instead of strictly concentrate. He looked good on a board, like he belonged there.
We rounded a bend a bit later to be met with oncoming traffic, two people riding bikes next to each other with a dog on a leash. Patrick had been comfortable enough that we were moving fast, for him, and his eyes went wide.
I braked, dragging my foot against the asphalt to put him in front of me. “Tricky, carve! Toward the grass.”
He leaned and headed for the grass, but he forgot to jump and the force threw him off the board just as the pack passed us.
“Assholes!” I called after them, giving them the bitchiest look I could muster, which meant I wasn’t paying attention. My board crashed into his, and I flew off. “Whoamagod!”
I hit the ground with an oof, landing on my stomach right next to Patrick, who lay on his back with his hand on his chest, laughing at me.
I couldn’t help but laugh too, dropping my head to my forearms as I tried to catch my breath, since it had been knocked out of me. I rolled over onto my back, our arms touching, and he threaded his fingers through mine. We turned and looked at each other, and his fingers grazed my cheek, my lips.
He wanted to tell me something — there was something behind his eyes that scared me. I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t think I wanted to know. So I kissed him instead, hoping to wipe away the thought, for a moment at least.
In that, I was right. When we opened our eyes again, it was gone along with my dread.
We skated a bit more, then went home, ordered in, and spent another evening blissfully alone — Ellie had been staying with Max almost every night. I lay with my feet in his lap on the couch, reading a book as he sketched. We brushed our teeth next to each other in the bathroom as if it were the most normal thing in the world.
Over the last week, I’d forgotten the bad. I’d remembered how good we were together.
But I felt our past, always there with us, the subtext in each kiss, each word. As much as I hoped we’d just wake up one day with the whole mess behind us, I knew better than anyone that it would bubble up in every argument, every fight, every bad day. It wouldn’t leave us alone. It was the one lesson I’d learned from being a chronic avoider. The one thing I could count on.
Lying there with him, I realized our situation was about as stable as nitroglycerin, and I knew the explosion would be quiet and destructive, all at once. Because that was how he and I worked. And here we were, living together, pretending it was all just fine when really the gas just kept leaking and leaking into the room. I only wondered who would strike the match.
26
TICK TOCK
Patrick
I FELT GOOD AS I climbed the stairs of our building the next night. I’d decided to sleep on it, and this morning I woke up still feeling like moving in with Seth was the right thing to do, and what I wanted. I’d tell Rose tonight.
I smiled to myself. It was going to work out. Everything would work out.
I slipped my key into the lock of my apartment, opening the door to find Cooper and West sitting at the table with a bottle of scotch between them.
Cooper stood to grab me a glass as we said our hellos. “Have a drink with us before Habits.”
I settled into the chair as Cooper poured. “I’ve been waiting for one of these all day.”
“Well, I’m happy to oblige.” He took a seat and picked up his glass. “How’s it going, Trick?”
I shrugged, not sure if I wanted to talk about it. “Fine, I guess.”
West chuckled. “That was convincing.”
I smiled. “It’s complicated.”
“Isn’t everything?” Cooper asked and took a drink.
“Where are the girls?”
West leaned on the table. “At Habits with Rose.”
I relaxed a little, knowing Lily wasn’t within earshot. I rubbed my jaw. “Listen, West. We’ve got to talk about my place here.”
Smiles fell as we slipped into seriousness, and I took a pull of my drink.
“I think it’s time I moved out.”
West’s face was solemn, and he looked down at his drink. “This was your place first, Patrick. It’s still your place. Lily and I could move. Or we could relocate to her place.”
I shook my head and smiled reassuringly. “No. You belong here, together. And whatever Rose and I are, we’re not ready to move in together, not officially. I just need to take a step, because living in limbo is getting to be too hard.”
“Where will you go?” West asked.
“Seth needs a roommate. It’s close by, and he’s in a bind.”
Reproachful eyes met me from both sides of the table.
“You sure that’s a good idea, Tricky?” West’s dark brows were low, eyes a darker shade of blue than usual.
“No. But what I am sure of is that I can handle it. I trust him, but I’m not blind. It could be a chance to be an example for him. Be a friend to him now that he’s alone, sober. I think it would be good for him, but I’m not going into this with any delusions. Just hope.”
Cooper sipped his drink, and West rubbed his beard. “I’m not gonna lecture you, ‘cause I’m not your mother. If you think you’ve got a handle on it, and it’s what you want, I can’t tell you not to. Just know you’ve got a place here. We don’t want you to go, and I know Rose doesn’t either.”
“I know. But I’m ready to have a place of my own again.”
West shook his head. “I didn’t think it would turn out this way.”
I frowned. “What way?”
“I mean, I was glad you were staying over there, but I didn’t think Lily and I would lead to you leaving.”
The glass was cool in my hand as I took a drink. “It’s not just about that, West. I’m happy for you guys, and I’m happy with Rose. But this is the smart thing for me, and I can help a friend in the process. There’s nothing to fix. I just wanted you to know that it was happening.”
He sighed, his eyes sad. “Well, it’s been a good run, friend.”
West raised his glass, and Cooper did too, and I touched the rim of mine to theirs, smiling. “That it has.”
A few hours later, we all sat around the bar at Habits, just like always, watching Rose, feeling the shift again. Before, it was happening around me, and I was still, watching it all move farther away. But now I felt myself caught in the current, felt the change pull me, moving me whether I wanted to go or not.
I drank the tail end of my whiskey just as Rose passed me another. We shared a smile, the kind that can only exist between two people who’ve known and loved and hurt each other. And then I said a little prayer that everything would be all right.
27
KAMIKAZE
Rose
PATRICK STAYED UNTIL WE CLOSED down the bar, long after everyone had waved and smiled their goodbyes, and all the lights had gone down. We held hands as we walked home in content silence, both of us seeming to be lost in thought.
The apartment was quiet and dark, and we walked to my room in silence, not bothering to turn on the lights, just undressing before slipping into bed together. And then I was in his arms. His heart beat against my cheek, his legs entwined with mine. After a moment, I tilted my chin, leaning back to cup his jaw, and I kissed him.
It was simple, the easy way our hands moved, our lips, our bodies, the slow way we came together that night, when everything was exactly what it was for those moments. Connecting. Reconnecting after what happened. It all seemed so silly now, meaningless. Like the things you did when you were young that left a mark on you, but you couldn’t remember the details, only the result. And I could still feel the tear in my heart, the sting of the wound, even though it had healed so much.
I was beginning to convince myself that he wouldn’t hurt me, which was of course the moment when he
did.
We were wrapped in each other, hearts finally slowed, his fingers in my hair as we lay there together, just breathing. And then he spoke.
“Thank you for letting me stay, Rose.”
I smiled. “You’re welcome.”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about us. About how much I’ve missed you.”
“Me too,” I said softly. “So much.”
He took a breath, and I felt his heart beat faster under my cheek. “I had dinner with Seth the other night. He … well, he needs a roommate.”
I chuckled. “Tell him to get on Craigslist.”
“It’s not that simple. He can’t have a regular roommate who drinks and smokes weed and has liquor in the house, not when he’s trying to stay clean. And I’m in a position to help. I don’t really have a home anymore, and as much as I love being here with you, I can’t keep staying here like this.”
My entire body tensed. “You’re not seriously considering it, are you?”
“I already told him I would. I need a place of my own, and he needs the help.”
I sat up, pulling the sheets with me. “Seth always needs help.”
He clicked on the light and sat too, propped against pillows. “Yeah, well he’s sober and trying. It’s different this time, Rose.”
“You can’t be sure that’s true.”
“I have to believe that it is.”
My heart pounded. “You can’t live with Seth. I mean, what if he steals from you? It wouldn’t be the first time. Or what if he gets you caught up in something and you end up arrested again? He could have drugs in the house. You can’t put yourself in that position, Patrick.”
His brow dropped. “Being here is just as scary, just in a different way.”
I felt like I’d been slapped. “Did you just compare me to Seth?”
“I’m putting myself at a risk here just as much as I am with Seth. We haven’t even talked about … anything, really. Nothing about what happened before or what will happen next. Not a word about how we feel right now.”
“Because you said we should just ignore it.”
“That’s not what I said, Rose. I said one day at a time, which is what we’ve been doing. But I’m caught between here and my place like a quarter in a coin toss. I have no home, and I can’t keep staying here.”
“So, you’re going to live with Seth instead?” I shook my head, my cheeks hot and tingling. “That can only go up in flames.”
His eyes narrowed, jaw hard. “How am I supposed to know that this — whatever this is between you and me — won’t end in flames too?” He waited for an answer for a brief second. “I don’t. I don’t know any better than I know about Seth. But I have faith in both of you.”
I breathed deep, trying to keep up with what was happening. “I don’t understand. After everything Seth has done to you, I can’t believe you would have any faith in him. He hurt you.”
“And I hurt him. And you hurt me, and I hurt you. It’s all a risk, no matter what I do.”
“I hurt you?” My hands trembled as I held the sheet under my arm. “I hurt you. You destroyed me.”
His jaw clenched. “Do you think this has been easy for me? Seven months I’ve been trying to move on. Seven months of punishing myself, of wanting you to punish me. Seven months of regret. You weren’t the only one who was hurt, Rose.”
“Well, you fucked up.” Tears burned my eyes. “You left me with no explanation. You left me here wondering what I’d done, if I wasn’t enough for you, and then you brought someone else in just to drive the point home. I thought you were it. I thought you were everything, but you didn’t even respect me enough to tell me why you were leaving.”
His voice cut through me with every word. “And you didn’t respect me enough to give me a chance to explain. You didn’t care enough to put your pride down and forgive me. You let me suffer all that time. Did it feel good? Did it make you feel better to know that I’d spend the rest of my life knowing I’d never get a chance to make it right? You knew how much it hurt, and you let it happen.”
My body was ice cold. “Just because I pretended not to care doesn’t mean this has been easy for me.”
He shook his head. “You couldn’t fight for me then because you were scared, and you’re still scared.”
“I’m not scared. You’re the one who ran away, Patrick.”
“The difference is that I came back.” He flipped back the sheet with a snap and stood, striding across the room to his clothes. He grabbed his pants, pulling them on as I gaped, heart slamming against my ribs.
“This is what you do. You leave. We can’t solve anything because you won’t talk to me.”
He spun around, his face bent in pain. “No. We can’t solve anything because we’re too broken for this to work. You can’t let me in any more than I can because we’re fucked up. I want you. I want to be with you. But you can’t ask me to stay. You can’t stand up and tell me you’ll fight for me. It’s too big and hard and scary, and you’ll run away forever. And I can’t keep chasing you, Rose. I can’t—” His voice broke, and he turned again, bending to pick up his shirt. “I can’t, Rose. I just can’t anymore.”
I got out of bed, dragging the sheet with me, reaching for his arm as tears slipped down my cheeks. “Patrick, I …”
He turned to me, his face full of fear and hurt and hope as he waited for me to say the words, words that piled up in my throat like a train wreck. I couldn’t speak, my aching heart stunned silent, and the hope left his face, slipping away like a dream.
“After all of this, you still don’t trust me. I’ve done everything I can, everything I know to do. So there’s nothing left to do but go.” He turned and walked away, disappearing into the dark. “See you around, Rose,” he said, and then he was gone.
28
FAULT AND BLAME
Patrick
I HAULED ANOTHER BOX OF art supplies up the stairs of Seth’s building the next day and kicked open the door, adjusting my grip as I walked through the apartment and into my new room. It was a good size, good light. So far, all I’d moved were art supplies and a duffle bag full of clothes, which I set down on the air mattress Seth had set up for me.
I hung my hands on my hips as I looked out the window, heart thumping just a little hard, breath just a little heavier than it should be with my eyes on the street below.
It hadn’t been easy. Nothing had ever been easy. But every choice I’d made brought me to where I was standing. Maybe if my life had been different, I’d be different. Maybe not. Maybe I wouldn’t be afraid. Maybe I would.
When nothing in your life is certain — not your family, not even your friends — you push everyone out. No, not push them out. Hold them away from you. Stop them from getting in. Because once they get in, you have something to lose.
It was why I left her the first time, but this time was different. This time, I was just tired.
I couldn’t drag her, hold her hand and pull her to keep up. She couldn’t say the words. She couldn’t tell me she wanted me, after everything, after all this time. That moment marked the end of it. I needed to hear that I was important to her. That I meant something. But her silence told me everything I needed to know.
There was only one way to move on, and it was to stay as far away from Rose as I could. And to stay away from Rose meant to stay away from all of them. I loved them — they were my family. But everyone was moving on, and I had to follow suit.
It was the only way I could salvage what was left of my heart.
Seth knocked gently on the doorframe, and I turned to find him looking somber. “Hey, man.”
“Hey.” I reached into a box of paints, shuffling them around with no purpose other than to occupy my hands.
“You okay?”
“I will be.”
“You always are.” He glanced at the boxes. “Have anything else?”
“Just this, for now.”
He walked to one and peered inside. “Bring anything beside
s paint and clothes?”
“What else do I need?”
He chuckled. “So, what’s your plan? With Rose, I mean.”
I picked up my easel case and began to assemble it, avoiding his eyes as I tried to sound unaffected. “Nothing. Lay low, I guess. Work. Paint.”
“No chasing her down? No grand gesture planned? You’re just letting her go?”
“When you squeeze Rose, you bleed for it. There’s no going back, not now. I just …” I ran a hand through my hair. “I don’t know, man. I don’t even know if I want to try anymore. As much as I want her, as much as I need her, I just can’t keep killing myself. One of us will fuck it up, so why hang around waiting for it any longer than I have been? Because I’m tired of waiting. So I’m cashing in my chips.”
“That’s pretty bleak, even for you.”
I chuckled down at my feet. “Yeah, well. I’ll be okay, and so will she. We’ll both be happier this way, in the long run.”
“How are you going to do that and still hang around her all the time?”
“I can’t. But things aren’t what they used to be. Everyone’s busy and pairing off and … growing up, I guess. Moving on. The only way past Rose is to just remove myself from the equation.”
He sighed and pushed a hand through his blond hair. “I’m sorry, Patrick.”
“Don’t be.”
He nodded. “I’m glad you’re here. Really glad.”
I smiled gently, wishing for a hundred things I couldn’t have, but thankful for what I did have all the same. “Me too.”
Rose
I woke that afternoon cold. Maybe it was the sheets around my waist, exposing my naked arms to the whirring fan. Or maybe it was because I was alone.
I grabbed my comforter and pulled it up, wrapping myself in it like a burrito.
It’s your fault he’s gone.
I closed my eyes against the pain.
He was right, I knew. About all of it. I couldn’t ask him to stay. I couldn’t tell him I wanted him, even when he asked. I couldn’t give him what he wanted. I couldn’t even give him what I wanted.