My father had moved into a motel, and was much easier to locate. He assured me it was only a temporary residence and that when I returned home from Hawaii he would have a place to call his own. The idea actually made me want to stay in Kauai for the long haul…not wanting to face that reality ever.
But I knew I would eventually have to return home, whether I liked it or not. And I really needed to assess my relationship with Parker and if that was what I wanted or even needed anymore. We had been together for countless years; maybe our time had run up? In any case I wanted Parker to come into this month with a clean slate, so I put our troubled past behind me and attempted to start fresh.
I knew I needed to address the situation with Lee, after the way we had left things the other night. I had been calling to no avail. But I wasn’t willing to lose him, not after all of our time spent together.
I threw my purse over my shoulder and ran out of the house, not wanting to waste another minute. After a short, quick walk, I was knocking on Lee’s door. I couldn’t help feeling anxious, hoping I wouldn’t find him in the arms of another girl like the last time I had rejected him. I didn’t know that I could handle that right now.
Before I knew it, a shirtless Lee was standing in front of me. It was hard to focus on anything else with his six-pack staring me in the face. I caught myself blushing. It’s not like it was the first time I had seen it, but I felt guilty even seeing him with his shirt off and feeling tempted at a time like this.
“Let me guess, you’re here to break up with me?” I could hear the pain in his voice, but I also noticed something new, his eyes were watery. For as long as I had known Lee, I knew what emotions he was comfortable with expressing: happiness, anger, love, but this? This was new to me. So he can be sad. I quickly reminded myself to tread lightly.
“Listen, I’m sorry about last night. I had no idea Parker was going to come all the way to Hawaii,” I replied, shielding my eyes from the sun glaring down on us. “Can I please come in?”
Without responding, Lee shifted his body ever so slightly so that I could just barely slide through the door. I almost thought he planned this so we would touch. The touch of his bare skin to my arm sent shivers up and down my spine. I wondered if I would ever get used to that or not. And then he closed the door behind us. “Have a seat.”
I sat on one end of the couch and of course he sat on the complete opposite side. He could barely look me in the eyes. I scooted a little closer, trying to be discreet as to not scare him completely away. “I asked Parker to stay in Hawaii for a month.”
“Great,” Lee replied, sarcastically. “Look, we don’t have to make this messy. We had a good thing while it lasted, but now it’s over right? That’s what you came to tell me, am I wrong?” He stood up, throwing his hands in the pockets of his jean shorts, “Look, I have things to do here, if we’re done, can you see--”
I cut him off mid-sentence. He didn’t see it coming but I was hugging him before he could have ever prepared for it. He seemed so startled, he didn’t push me away, but he also didn’t hug me back right away. I stood there hugging him tightly, until slowly, I felt his arms enclose my body. “I asked him to stay because I don’t want to take this decision lightly. I just don’t want to lose you in the process. I don’t want to be rushed into making the biggest decision of my life. I don‘t want to make a mistake.”
His body softened against mine when he heard this. And he looked down into my eyes, a tear silently running down his cheek. “You’re only the second girl I’ve ever loved Maddy. And if you know me—that’s a huge deal. I just want you to be happy. And if you need one month, so be it. No matter the outcome, even if it kills me.” Then he lowered his mouth onto mine gently, before pulling me closer.
Jacqueline
Getting to be with Parker for as little as a week was better than I could have ever dreamt up; but I could tell something was missing. Not necessarily on my end, but on his. I had seen the look of love on exes before, and Parker’s eyes never held it…at least not for me.
It was difficult watching him go, knowing exactly where he was headed. He was fighting for someone who couldn’t see his worth. It killed me.
I had seen so much potential when I picked him up at the airport; had visions of what our future would be like together. But I had been sorely mistaken.
It didn’t mean I stopped loving Parker. I didn’t know that I ever could. It was my downfall. So when he contacted me shortly after leaving, while still in Hawaii, wanting to keep in touch, I couldn’t help myself.
Parker was the only guy I had ever trusted whole heartedly. He knew almost everything about me. But there were secrets I kept hidden; buried. He was the only one I ever imagined could accept them and love me for me.
It was no wonder I was a broken person; being emancipated at seventeen will do that to you. I grew up with a heroin addict for a mother and no father in sight. My mother would send me into department stores, using my five finger discount she had taught me to her advantage.
She never had a job for as long as I lived with her. We were always shuffling back and forth between shelters and the streets. It was a dangerous environment I grew up in which is why I didn’t hesitate to get the hell out of there when I was of legal age.
I was tired of stealing to support my mother’s addiction, and the stress was wearing on me; literally leaving me exhausted. She would make enough money from what I stole to support her habit, but not to put food in our mouths. It was a dangerous situation I wasted no time getting out of.
It was no wonder I clung to Parker so fast when he reached out to me in a chat room about suicide. His brother had committed suicide and Parker was looking for someone to talk to about it. We connected right away when I let him in on my suicide attempt.
It wasn’t something I told many others. In fact, Parker was the only one I had ever told about my past. He was the only one who ever made me feel comfortable and safe from judgment.
I was devastated about losing Parker in the romantic sense, but thinking more clearly on it, I realized I couldn’t stand to lose the one friendship that had meant more to me than anything else in the world.
And so when he came around, and he eventually did; I welcomed his appearance back in my life. Knowing a little bit of him was better than the alternative.
Twenty Nine – A Fresh Beginning
Parker
I wasn’t entirely sure what would come of me staying in Kauai, but Madalynne was worth every bit of it. I had agreed to meet her at a local state park for a hiking adventure. I couldn’t help being anxious when I pulled up and parked, I had always thought Madalynne looked the most beautiful when she had no makeup on. And she delivered; she was wearing a peach tank and dark grey short-shorts, she looked gorgeous. Her long, dark hair was pulled up into a loose ponytail and her brown eyes glimmered beneath her enormously long lashes.
“Parker!” I heard her call to me.
I jogged over to her and wrapped my arms around her; kissing the top of her head, lingering to smell her shampoo, before letting go. “What are we doing here, baby?” I pointed to the beautiful park we were at.
“I asked you for a month didn’t I?”
I nodded, hesitantly, not sure where she was going with this.
“Hello, my name is Madalynne.” She reached out her hand for me to shake.
I couldn’t help but laugh, so we were going to role play now? “Are you serious?” Without an answer, I shook her hand slowly, “Parker.”
“Well Parker, ever been hiking on a first date?” She looked up at me, gleaming, looking beautiful in the sunlight.
“Can’t say that I have…”
“Well it’s your lucky day; this should give us plenty of time to get to know each other.” And with that, she took off unexpectedly, leaving me staring behind her, confused. “Well, aren’t ya coming?” she shouted back my way.
We had been utilizing our time together wisely, spending the entire day really getting to know each other. Most, if not e
verything, we had discovered long ago. But there were a few new things we learned about each other. It was the most fun I had, had since Maddy and I had been in high school.
The sun was beginning to set as we headed back to our cars. I felt Madalynne’s hand brush up against mine, slightly, and it sent goose bumps all over my body. I had been missing those goose bumps to remind me how real it was with Maddy. Without hesitation I slid my fingers between hers—and was surprised when she didn’t flinch or pull away. This day had just kept getting better and better.
When we approached her car, I tried to be chivalrous by opening Madalynne’s door for her. I watched as she climbed in, but paused, before exclaiming, “I had a really great time getting to know you.”
I cradled her face in my hands, thankful for the closeness. “You’ve always known me. You always will know me.” And then I lowered my mouth to hers. Butterflies consumed my whole body, bringing the eagerness out with each part of our lips. I felt Madalynne bite the bottom of my lip ever so gently, which threw me back. “Whoa, where did that come from?” I asked, not being able to stop smiling.
Madalynne shrugged, smiling slightly, her cheeks growing brighter with each passing moment.
I glanced back at her with a devilish grin. “Wherever that came from, don’t change. I like it.” I kissed her quickly and softly, and then closed the door. “Drive safe love,” I whispered through the open window. And I watched as my other half, the one for me drove away. I couldn’t help smiling to myself; the day had exceeded my expectations beyond anything I could have ever dreamt up.
* * *
A week had passed since Madalynne had asked me to stay in Kauai. Over the course of the week we had spent almost every other day together. But the alone time was what killed me most on my worst days; I would spend too much time torturing myself wondering if she was with Lee when she wasn’t with me…and if his lips were on hers, or worse…the possibilities were driving me nuts.
My thought was always if I could show Madalynne the amazing connection we once had, and still did, that she would leave Lee in the dust without a second thought, but it wasn’t turning out that way.
Thankfully everything had blown over enough with Jacqueline that we were now back on speaking terms, and she had been who had helped distract me in my most depressed moments.
We had engaged in what I would call the longest conversation of my life a few days ago and had been able to clear the air and move forward as friends. I had been honest about everything with her, and in a way, I thought it brought us closer.
It was Jacqueline who had convinced me to stay after I had slept on my decision the first night. I was going to go back on my word and leave, because the thought of Madalynne with someone else was tearing me apart. Being in that close of a vicinity to him didn’t help either. I wanted to beat the crap out of him…but I wanted Madalynne more.
And it was also Jacqueline who urged me to take advantage of every opportunity I had to spend time with Madalynne. So I had her to thank tonight when I had showed up at Madalynne’s aunt’s house unexpectedly, and she had not turned me away! I was happy to see things take a turn for the better.
Madalynne and I were sitting on her bed, just staring into each other’s eyes, for seconds, minutes. Tick, tock-tick, tock, I heard the clock strike as the hands on the clock went round.
Tonight I was determined to crush my competition for good. Tonight I was going to remind Madalynne just who I was, just who we were. My plan was to win her back tonight. Before the night was over, I was going to have her eating out of the palm of my hand.
Still eerily silent, I slowly shifted myself behind Madalynne on the bed. I felt her tense up when my breath touched her neck, her shoulder bones. Gently, I traced my fingers across her back and down her shoulders, to her arms, hands, and then circled back again. I was fascinated by the appearance of goose bumps following my tracing pattern on her skin. I felt her shiver against my touch. I could feel her savoring every moment of this.
I pressed my lips lightly against her barely noticeable key shaped birth mark on her shoulder that I had come to love. I moved my mouth to her ear, hovering over her neck for the slightest second to see her squirm. “I love you Madalynne Johnson,” I whispered slowly. “I’ve loved you since the first moment I laid eyes on you in kindergarten.”
“What?” I heard her ask in a bewildered tone, turning around to face me.
“You heard me,” I whispered again. “It was love at first sight.” It was like I had said the magical words because her lips came flying at me faster than I could blink. Inside I was jumping for joy, knowing I was that much closer to winning her back for good. But I decided to have a little fun with it, so I didn’t kiss her back, at least not right away. But it didn’t deter her; she was on me like white on rice. After a minute or so of making her work hard for a kiss back, I finally closed my lips upon hers eagerly. With each brush of our lips, I felt her body melt into mine, I heard her moan in my mouth. I was smiling from the inside out.
“I want you,” she whispered, looking up at me with passion in her eyes.
“You can have me, when we go back home.” And with that I kissed her quickly one last time before grabbing my keys and walking out the door, leaving a wide-eyed Madalynne behind.
I glanced at the screen of my phone for the umpteenth time that night. Madalynne had been calling, repeatedly, to no avail. It was nice being around her the first week after he left this world. But the more time I spent with my best friend, the more I was reminded of my late brother.
Mason, Maddy’s brother also reached out in my dark time, growing up alongside Bo and me. I kept him at an arm’s length as well memories haunting me on the daily.
Against my better judgment I decided to read a few of the text messages Maddy had sent my way.
‘Let me be there for you,’ one of them read. I scrolled down the list to the next one.
‘Come on Parker…you can’t avoid me forever,’ the second one pointed out.
The third one was the hardest for me to digest, the truth in her words like a paper cut across my cheek. ‘I loved him too you know. You weren’t the only one who lost him.’
She was right. But in a way it didn’t make any difference at the time, I was too far gone.
Thirty – Torn
Madalynne
I awoke in a panic this morning, jarring me out of another terrible nightmare. Only this time, something was different. This time, I felt relief when I remembered Parker was finally here, in Hawaii, after all of our time apart. Then, my mind switched to Lee.
The entire morning as I showered, got dressed, and ate breakfast, my heart and mind were in an all-time war; switching to Lee, and then reverting back to Parker and so on and so forth until I couldn’t take it anymore. The guilt was killing me. I knew then, I was a terrible person. My heart screamed Parker. My head screamed Lee. And me? I literally just screamed until I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn’t remember the last time I had ever been this torn or confused about anything.
It had been almost two weeks since I had asked Parker to stay in Kauai. I thought that the time I had asked for would be the turning point for me. It would help me make my decision, but truthfully, the more time I spent with both guys, the more confused it left me. I felt guilty for all of it. For getting together with Lee when I was still clearly in love with Parker. For asking Parker to stay when I was clearly head over heels for Lee.
Every moment I spent with Lee, I felt anxious to be back with Parker and vice versa. I felt like I was not making any head way and my biggest fear was that my month would run out and I was going to lose both of them.
When I thought about life without Lee, I found myself crying uncontrollably. When I thought about losing Parker, it left me physically sick, puking for hours on end, in between sobs. This was not a predicament I would wish upon anyone. I knew my time was running short and I was going to have to make a decision sooner or later, and deep down somewhere locked away inside me I ha
d the answer. I always had the answer; I was just terrified to admit it.