I picked up my phone and dialed the number I could remember in my sleep.
“Hello?” he answered, and instantly, I felt calmer.
“Parker,” I replied, breathlessly, “I need to see you.”
“Babe? Are you okay? You sound kind of strange?” he asked, sounding genuinely concerned.
“I’m fine. Listen, can you meet me at my house?” I looked at the clock making a mental note that I probably had less than forty five minutes before he arrived.
“Of course…see you soon. I love you.” He waited for a minute, anticipating me to say it back.
“You too,” I replied quickly before hanging up. Even though I knew I loved him and always would in my heart, it didn’t seem fair to say it back…especially with everything going on.
* * *
My time was running out and I was very aware of it. The more time I spent with Parker the more apparent it became how difficult this all was for him. Having to sit idly by while his girlfriend got to split her time between him and another male…I understood his resentment.
Lee was more understanding. Maybe it was because our relationship was so new and so fresh…or maybe it was because he didn’t want to lose me either…in any case I appreciated the breath of fresh air.
I had been trying to spend time solely with one guy each day, but it was becoming more difficult to turn down their advances. Every time I was with Lee, he consumed me; taking over my every thought and emotion. And when I was with Parker he entranced me, allowing me not a single moment to think of another but him.
Today was supposed to be Lee’s day, and I still had every intention of making it so…but I couldn’t get Parker off of my mind. Ever since he had spilled the beans and been honest with me about how he too had fallen for me right away, it captivated my attention tenfold.
It was the strangest thing, but I had never been more turned on in my life than when he finally admitted that he always felt the same way. For my entire life I had always felt like I was chasing Parker, never fully being able to catch up until the end of middle school. But he changed my entire view about our relationship.
He arrived to my aunt’s house wearing a blue striped Volcom tank and khaki shorts. It took very little effort for Parker to look handsome. I didn’t have to remind myself how lucky I was, being in his presence was good enough.
“You missed me…” Parker trailed off, more as an accusation than anything.
I nodded, remaining silent.
“Tell me what you missed about me,” Parker whispered lightly behind my ear, sending goose bumps all over my body.
“I missed your smell,” I began, circling him, mysteriously.
“Mmm hmm, what else?” He glanced at me.
“I missed your voice.” I stopped circling him and took a step closer.
“I know there has got to be more that you missed about me since we’ve been apart for so long…” Parker joked playfully.
“I missed everything about you,” I answered honestly, captivating Parker’s attention instantly. His smile slowly being replaced by a look I wasn’t familiar with.
He didn’t say another word, but the love I saw in his eyes when he roughly threw me up against a wall spoke mountains. He lowered his lips to mine hard, barely giving me a moment to think, much less breathe. With every stroke of our lips I yearned for his body.
I couldn’t wait any longer. I had been thinking about this moment nonstop since the other night, and I knew if I left it alone, it would be eating at me until I did something about it. Without being able to stop myself I ripped his shirt off; my hands at the button of his shorts faster than he could process a thought.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?” Parker asked, gently, parting our lips for the first time in almost ten minutes.
“I’m not thinking for once,” I replied. And it was true. Since Parker had come into town I had rarely allowed myself to get lost with him; keeping my walls up, as a precaution. But I didn’t want to ruin the moment that could potentially set the track for the rest of our futures.
He seemed to mull this over, but my lips on his neck did all the convincing for me. Parker lifted me up in the air and threw me against the wall, kissing me harder, with more urgency this time. His lips moved to my ear, sensually sucking on my earlobe.
I heard myself moan and threw my hand over my mouth to stifle the noise. Parker looked up at me, still suspended in the air, propped up against a wall. Really looked at me, before exclaiming “don’t” and removing my hand from my mouth.
Butterflies attacked my insides with a vengeance. I knew we wouldn’t be able to resist each other this time; the passion overwhelming, the chemistry off the charts. This is what sex should always be like, I thought to myself.
My heart was racing as Parker carried me into my bedroom, closing the door behind us.
Lee
The one thing I had been terrified of happening; terrified to admit even the possibility of had taken place. I was, without a fraction of a doubt in love with Madalynne Johnson. I had never felt anything like it. The pain and angst I felt being apart from her…the butterflies, the passion when we reunited.
There was one thing I was certain of; I was willing to give up my bachelor days without another glance for the girl who had changed my world. But I also knew I was fooling myself by thinking I even stood a chance against her longtime Romeo.
I was pissed at myself for falling so deeply; so quickly; when that was never my intention to begin with. And now I couldn’t imagine my life without Maddy, much less a day. She had quickly become my best friend and love of my life.
All I wanted to do was get wasted and forget I had ever landed myself in this predicament but the sight of Madalynne at my door proved otherwise. “Are you drunk?” She squinted at me through her long, dark lashes.
“What does it matter?” I recanted, feeling guilty after noticing her look of pain immediately after.
“I know what you’re trying to do,” she shot back, letting herself in. “And it’s not going to work.”
“Oh yeah? And just what is that?” I prodded, sarcastically.
“You are trying to push me away; you think it will be easier on you when I make the decision. But what you are really doing is trying to make the decision for me…and that’s not how it’s going to play out.”
I looked away from her, knowing she was right in every syllable she spoke.
“Look at me,” she whispered, bringing her hand up to my chin to shift it her way.
I looked her in the eyes then, really deeply into her brown pools. “I can’t lose you,” I mouthed, barely audible.
She softened, throwing her arms around me, pulling me in tight. “You’re never going to lose me, nerd,” she whispered into my ear, sending chills down my spine. “You’re in my life for the long haul, whether you like it or not.”
I wished with everything inside my soul I could believe her…but when she left my house that day the doubts surfaced, tenfold.
Thirty One – Goodbye is the Hardest Part
Parker
My prediction of the outcome of our passionate night together was completely off. Two weeks had now passed since I had initially arrived in Hawaii, and I was growing tired. Tired of waiting on someone who didn’t even know if I was their soul mate.
Saying goodbye was getting harder every time we parted. I didn’t know if she was leaving to see Lee and if that time would be the defining moment when she would cut ties with me altogether. In any case, I was terribly depressed.
The only thing I could think of to cheer me up was being around family. I didn’t want to leave without Madalynne; for fear that she would never follow. But it was getting harder to justify why I was still in Kauai--why I was putting all my time and energy into something that would never come to fruition.
I had excitedly gone out and preemptively bought a ring after leaving Montana, thinking that if I could make her fall in love with me again—hey, it sounded easier than it was?
??that she would accept my proposal and we could return to Oregon happier than ever…but as time went on I began to have doubts about the future I longed for.
The hardest part was not knowing how she was feeling. I used to be able to read her like a book…but now all I saw was foreign writing. Thoughts of her with Lee consumed my every thought; clouding my judgment.
Madalynne had come down with more than a mild cold and I had been attempting to take care of her for days, but she had only been accepting my phone calls, not my visits. After the third day, I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to do it this way, with her sick and all, but I felt trapped, like I had no other choice. So I packed my bag, checked out of my hotel, and drove to Madalynne’s in a downpour with a heavy heart.
When I arrived, I hesitantly got out of my rental car. I knew with each passing step, it would be moments closer to me losing Madalynne again, and this time, could be forever. I was not looking forward to it. So even though I was being pelted in the face by rain and my clothes drenched, I didn’t care. Before I even got a chance to knock, I saw the door swing open and Madalynne grabbed me by my soaked collar and pulled me inside.
She was surprised by my appearance at her door; I was surprised by her appearance in general.
“I know you haven’t wanted to see me because you’ve been sick.” I averted her eyes, shifting mine around the room. “But I don’t think I can do this anymore.” Just saying the words was like a punch in the gut to me.
“Umm, what?” she stuttered, before a coughing spell took her over.
Instantly feeling terrible for putting her through this, I hurriedly ran to grab a blanket off the back of the couch and proceeded to wrap it around her shoulders, before helping her back to the couch to sit. “I’m sorry to do this to you, in the state you’re in, but it’s been eating at me for the past couple of weeks. I know I promised you a month, and I am not one to break a promise, but I can’t Madalynne.” I was not an emotional person, at least not in front of anyone, so when a tear trickled down my face, I felt my most vulnerable.
“What are you saying?” she asked, visibly shaken.
I took her face into my hands then, gently caressing it. “I love you. I always have, always will. But the fact that you so easily fell for someone else and still are as confused as you are; is proof.” I sighed lightly. “As much as it pains me to say this, maybe we aren’t soul mates. I can’t even begin to describe to you how much it hurts me to know you are still seeing him as often as you see me. How much it kills me to think of his lips on yours…” I couldn’t even finish, the thought of it, choked me up.
“Parker, don’t do this, please.” Madalynne quickly grabbed my hand in hers, squeezing it lightly. “Please, just give me a little more time, I promise I will get you an answer.” She was crying then, literally sobbing. I felt like the most evil person on the face of the planet. I never wanted to hurt Madalynne. I never intended to hurt Madalynne. Fuck, I never wanted to lose Madalynne. But I was losing her, for the second time. And it hurt just as bad, if not worse.
I had to be honest with her, it was the least I could do. “I could never love anyone else as much as I’ve loved you. It’s hard for me to understand how you could so easily throw me away. Like our history meant nothing to you!” I couldn’t contain the anger that flew off my voice, so I stood up quickly. “I don’t want to say anything I will regret. But I am leaving Kauai; I am going back home and back to my life. As much as I wanted that life to include you, it’s obvious you’re not ready for that. So I am going to move on, as much as it tears my heart out to do so.” I couldn’t bear to look her in the eyes. This must be why people say love sucks. Because the breaking hearts part, was incredibly painful.
Madalynne fell to the floor at my feet; still sobbing.
I felt sick to my stomach; doing this to someone I loved so dearly. “Please don’t do this to yourself.” I gently lifted her off the ground and hugged her tight. “You are stronger than this. You are the strongest person I know. You will get through this, as will I.” I shifted her hair out of her face, and then kissed her forehead softly. “Goodbye Madalynne.” I lingered there for a second, snapping a mental photograph of the first girl I ever loved, then let her go, and walked out her door, back into the downpour.
I sat in my car for a minute, looking down at my shaky hands. “You can do this,” I whispered to myself with a long sigh, before starting the engine. As I was backing up, I noticed a flash of someone behind my car, I assumed Madalynne, leaving me nothing but seconds to react and slam on my breaks, throwing the car into park.
“What the hell are you doing? Are you trying to get yourself killed?” I screamed at her as I jumped out of the car, trying to shake some sense into her.
I saw her open her mouth, but all I could make out was “you.”
“What?” I shouted loudly, my heart racing.
Madalynne took a few slow steps toward me. “I said…it’s you. It’s always been you. God knows it’s the person I grew up with. The person I lost my virginity to…You are my forever.”
If I wasn’t within feet of her, I would have doubted that she had just given me the one thing I had been hoping on, wishing on, for weeks, months even. I threw my arms around her and lifted her in the air, twirling her around, before lowering my lips firmly against Maddy’s. “You’re going to get sick,” she exclaimed in between kisses.
“I don’t care. You’re mine. I don’t want to spend another minute apart.” And when I looked in her eyes then, there was no mistaking, she was head over heels in love with me.
In one swift movement, and without a minute for her to think, I dropped to one knee, pulling out the secret ring I had brought along with me on this trip. “Be mine forever…marry me, love.”
Thirty Two – Happily Ever After
Madalynne
It didn’t take the full month as I had expected. When Parker showed up at my doorstep unexpectedly announcing his departure it put me into full gear. Up until that moment the answer hadn’t been clear to me. But faced with the reality of losing Parker---really losing Parker for good, knocked all the sense I needed in me.
I made my choice; God knows it was staring me in the face since day one. I almost felt ashamed for being so stubborn. But I was a Taurus; I had to figure things out on my own, no matter the outcome.
Saying goodbye to Lee and leaving Hawaii for good was gut wrenching for me. Breaking hearts was never on my agenda when I moved out to Kauai for some piece of mind. But I didn’t regret a single decision on my part. Parker and I had never been stronger.
We needed the hurdles to bring us back together, to show us we could lean on one another and come out alright. Lee had taught me to how to love quickly and recklessly, bringing a sense of danger into my life. Something I had clearly been missing in my relationship with Parker.
Lee was an incredible human being and I only wanted the best for him, so I made it a point to keep in touch after I left with Parker to move back home. I sent countless letters which were all either lost in the mail or disregarded. But I didn’t let that faze me…Lee had helped me become an independent person apart from Parker. It was something I would forever be indebted to him for.
After almost six months of incessant nagging Lee finally returned one of my hundreds of phone calls. He sounded good, happy even. I finally let him know that Parker and I were engaged to which he responded better than I could have ever expected.
Oddly enough throughout my entire time spent in Hawaii, I spent countless hours worrying myself to death about losing both of the incredible men in my life. The fact that I was able to have them both in my life in different roles had never occurred to me. But I spent every waking minute letting Parker know how grateful I was for the opportunity.
After returning home from Hawaii, Parker came clean with me about Jacqueline. I was hurt, and for good reason, but understanding, nonetheless. I had dragged Parker through my messy love triangle—the least I could do was hear him out.
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