Parker laced his fingers through mine and we walked out of the school our signature way. The way all of our classmates came to expect; came to envy. People were staring. They always did when it came to Parker. I’m sure half my grade was pissed that I had decided to stay with Parker—they had been chomping at the bit to get a chance with my boyfriend.
Who wouldn’t want to be with him? He was insanely gorgeous, sweet, caring, and affectionate—traits that were basically non-existent in other guys his age. They cared about only a handful of things: drinking, hooking up, parties, and drugs. Parker was the complete opposite. I never saw him go near a drug in his life and he didn’t care what others thought—he was always going against the grind. He wanted sex to mean something…he was a virgin, as was I. I loved that he never pressured me and respected my boundaries.
He was nearly perfect…so why was I pushing him away? I was so sad. So incredibly sad. Being with him during such a dark time in my life was so unfair to Parker. He deserved so much more than that—so much more than me. But I couldn’t imagine my life without him so I made the selfish decision to stay with him.
“It’s summer!” Parker pumped his fist into the air. “It’s going to be the summer of our lives babe, I can feel it.”
He was so excited about the possibilities, it was difficult not to smile slightly. I wanted to believe him more than anything.
“What do you want to do first?” I heard myself ask.
“I just want to be with you. Whatever you want to do. Your choice.” He inched closer to me then took me into his arms.
My heart began to race. Mostly because Parker had that effect on me, but also because I had avoided physical intimacy with him for close to a month. He pulled me into his chest tighter and I could smell his intoxicating aroma. It was one of the first things that made me fall for him…
I wrapped my arms around him, allowing myself to get lost in the familiar embrace.
“I missed you too,” Parker stole the words right out of my mouth.
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a pain in the ass.” I sighed lightly. “You sure you can handle this Taurus?”
He chuckled, not lessening his tight embrace. “I knew what I signed up for when I decided to date you, I knew you weren’t going to be easy.”
“Are you calling me difficult?” I asked, my mouth hanging open for effect.
“Stop putting words in my mouth.” He laughed. Then his expression softened. “I love you Mads.”
He didn’t wait for me to say it back. I really respected him for that. The kiss began hesitant, he was waiting for my mouth to invite him in. I didn’t make him wait in the cold long, I enjoyed the discovery game.
He broke the kiss off after only a brief stint, I’m sure remembering we were still on school grounds. “You want to come over?”
A part of me was yearning to take him up on his request. But I had just began to entertain the idea of my boyfriend full time again. I needed some time to let everything sink in. “Actually, I think I should go home tonight. It’s the first time my parents will actually be in the same place at the same time for more than an hour, I need to play referee.”
“What’s going on?” he asked curiously.
“They said they want to have a talk with me.”
“Do you want me to come?” Parker—always trying to be my knight in shining armor.
“No, I think I need to deal with this one on my own. I promise to give you status updates though.” I squeezed his hand and began to walk out of the school.
* * *
They were the picture of an intervention.
But this wasn’t an intervention. After my parents sat me down, my mother calmly told me they were going to do a trial separation. It wasn’t a divorce, but my father would be moving out and into a nearby hotel.
For an eternity my eyes darted back and forth between my mother and father, willing them to change their minds. The silence was deafening; my tears spoke loud and clear.
“It was her wasn’t it?” I asked, anger building up inside me.
“Madalynne,” my mother’s stern voice came rising up out of her petite frame.
“What was her name again?” I racked my brain for the name that I had heard my parents fight over for the past two weeks. “Melody, right? Your ex.”
I was speaking out of anger. I hadn’t expected a confession out of my father. Not then—not there.
“I made a mistake!” My father threw his head into his hands and I could clearly see him convulsing. He was definitely crying.
I had heard of infidelity tearing families apart…I just never believed it would happen to my family. Then again, who does?
My mouth dropped open in shock and disappointment, tears welling up at the back of my eyes. I turned to look at my mother and she looked on the brink of a complete breakdown.
“Get out.” I wasn’t sure what came over me, but suddenly I stopped taking my father’s side. I stopped being a Daddy’s girl.
My mother looked surprised that I was siding with her for once.
My father looked up through tear stained eyes. “I’m sorry Mads, I love you. I hope someday you will be able to forgive me.”
“You don’t get to call me Mads! That was Mason’s nickname for me! You don’t deserve it…not after what you did!” I was spitting venom, but suddenly I didn’t care.
My father stood up, walking towards me. I couldn’t even look at him. I felt him kiss the top of my head softly and it made me cringe. “I love you kiddo. You know that. Call me whenever you want.” And then he was gone. I heard him grab what I assumed to be a pre-packed bag and then vanish.
I couldn’t move for hours after the earlier episode. My mother kept me company. She must have felt indebted to me or something. But she didn’t leave my side. It was weird how quickly she filled her motherly shoes when needed, but appreciated nonetheless.
Seven – So This is What Low Feels Like
Parker
Something wasn’t right. I hadn’t heard from my girlfriend in over forty eight hours. It was now Monday and after countless unanswered texts and phone calls, I took it upon myself to show up at her house unexpectedly.
“Parker! Madalynne didn’t mention…” her mother began as she answered the door.
“Is Maddy here?” I asked, interrupting her. I looked past her. She may have been older but Madalynne’s mother was extremely attractive.
“She’s at Kendall’s,” Shannon said. She always asked me to call her by her first name.
Of course she is.
“Thanks Shannon!” I kissed her lightly on the cheek, something I had been doing since I was ten years old and headed back out to my car.
I glanced at my watch. Eight thirty five. Pulling out my phone from my back pocket, I texted Kendall.
Where is she?
I climbed into my car as the first response came through.
What?
Typical.
Her mother said she was over at your place. I’m coming over.
She wasted no time responding, I don’t think that’s such a good idea right now, Parker.
I paused from starting the car, anger building up inside me.
She’s my girlfriend, Kendall—you need to tell me what the hell is going on?
Her parents are separating. Her father moved out. She isn’t in a good place.
Even though I wasn’t surprised, it hurt hearing the truth from Kendall. Madalynne had confided in her before me. Suddenly, we had reversed roles.
She can’t push me away forever you know.
I know.
So that was that. She was sad and avoiding me.
I tried not to think about it the entire way home. I tried not to take it personally. But it was eating away at me little by little.
To really take my mind off of it, I hopped onto my computer and began instant messaging Jacqueline who was online.
What’s up?
Not a thing, Chicken Wing. Corny…but it was us.
> How’s your week going? I typed, curiously.
Just a mind-numbing mix of school and work. The usual. How about you? she shot back.
Oh, just being used and abused by Maddy—the usual, I joked half-heartedly.
What happened this time? I could nearly feel the pity in her words.
Well, you know everything about Mason—it’s a combination of her dealing with the loss of her brother and now the loss of her father who is moving out; her parents are separating.
Shit. Jacqueline’s response didn’t surprise me one bit. Madalynne was going through a lot—it would understandably take a toll on anyone. I just wished she wouldn’t shut me out entirely.
My phone began to vibrate madly then. I stared at the illuminated screen on my desk.
Dylan.
“Yo, what’s up man?” I answered.
“Party tonight, you in?”
I was in no shape or mood to attend any sort of social gathering so I already had my response at the tip of my tongue. “Actually, I think I’ve had enough of drinking for a bit.” And oddly enough, I meant it. Seeing Madalynne wrecked and throwing all her inhibitions out the window reminded me how unattractive it was.
“Alright, suit yourself. But bro to bro, I think you should come to this party with me.” The way he emphasized the importance of going to the party tonight made me believe he knew more than he was letting on.
“Are you trying to tell me something without really telling me? Because, it’s really fucking confusing!”
“If you don’t come with me tonight you can kiss your relationship with Maddy goodbye. She is close to making the biggest mistake of her life, so I am asking you one more time…are you going to fight for your relationship or are you going to let her go man?”
Dylan didn’t need to continue, I was already in my closet throwing on a new shirt and shorts and I was out the door in minutes.
The party was being held at Kendall’s house because her parents were conveniently out of town again. I wouldn’t have been invited unless it was urgent. Kendall looked relieved when she saw me. “I’m sorry…”
“I’m not mad. How bad is it?” I followed her down the stairs and into her family’s basement.
“Bad,” she threw over her shoulder as she led me down. The unfinished basement was dark and dreary; musty and rustic.
There sitting atop the washing machine around the corner was Madalynne, her legs were wrapped around an unfamiliar frame and they were in a hot and heavy lip-lock.
I made a loud noise clearing my throat obnoxiously.
Madalynne was unsteady pulling away from the random guy, it was obvious she was hammered. She hadn’t missed me though. Her eyes bulged out of her head when she caught sight of me.
“You want to know what low feels like? It’s when I lost my brother. It’s when I lost your brother. When my parents couldn’t stand the sight of each other. It’s when I walk in on my girlfriend making out with some random guy. Low feels like this.” She had literally reached her fingernails deep inside me and ripped my heart out; it was bloody and it hurt.
“I-I’m sorry,” she stammered hopping down from the machine and stepping towards me. “I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.”
“Well, maybe that’s the problem?” I couldn’t even stand the sight of Madalynne after another guy had his filthy hands on her.
“Parker, I love you…I’m sorry.”
I watched as her mystery man made a silent exit.
“If you really loved me you would have told me about your parents instead of telling Kendall first or avoiding me. You wouldn’t have gotten faded at a party enough to forget you have a boyfriend altogether. Are you happy with yourself?” I couldn’t help myself.
Madalynne looked defeated.
“This is your last chance. If you mess up again, strike three, you’re out—I mean it.” I had been extremely easy on her after Mason, but it was time for her to buck up.
“You’re better off without me. I’m just a harbinger of bad and evil. You deserve better.” She was staring down at the floor, muttering more to herself than anything else.
“Stop before you say something you are going to regret,” I warned my girlfriend; although she was very aware she was treading unsteady ground.
“That’s not possible,” Madalynne replied in an uncaring tone.
“Please,” I whispered, taking a step towards her. “Don’t do this. I am trying to be here for you.”
“What? Like I tried to be there for you when Bo died?” she spat, knowing that was still a sore subject for me. “Parker, you don’t want to be with me…I’m broken.”
I took her hand in mine, squeezing it twice. “Whatever you are, you’re mine…and I’m not willing to let you go.”
She pulled her hand away. “Don’t you get it? I’m not going to get any better; I’m just going to make your life miserable.”
“You know I forgive you for that…” I trailed off, referring to the sore sight I walked in on earlier.
“That’s just the beginning. I’m only going to hurt you. You deserve so much more than me.” Tears began rolling down her cheeks, a rose color engulfing them.
“I’m not giving up on you. I’m not giving up on us,” I replied softly, stroking her hair. “You’re my other half; the peanut butter to my jelly; the yin to my yang. You, and only you, complete me…”
She looked up in my eyes then, for the first time that night. “I don’t deserve you.” she said in a barely audible whisper.
“We were made for each other. You’re my soul mate.” I kissed her lightly on the lips then. “I love you, Butter Bean.”
No one would understand why I continued to forgive her mistakes. Why I allowed her to walk all over me with no disregard to my feelings. But I knew why I did it, and that was all that mattered.
Eight – Baby Steps and Lunges
Madalynne
It was nearing the end of June and while I should have been moving on from my brother’s death, I wasn’t entirely over it.
But I was trying to be a better person; a better daughter; a better girlfriend. Parker and I were just beginning to fall back into our old ways and things were good, finally.
My birthday had come and went silently, just the way I wanted it. But Parker’s birthday was coming up on the third of July and I had every intention of making it a special day for him.
Not only was I in the midst of planning his surprise party, I had landed his favorite band, Toy Bombs along with plenty of fireworks and all of his friends.
I had been such a handful in the past, I really wanted to repay Parker for everything. It was going to take a long time to do so—but I was all for baby steps.
Is everything set? A text rang through to my phone.
Dylan. My partner in crime for project: surprise party.
Yes. Band will show up at 6:00. Parker and I will show up at 6:30.
Perfect.