“I have a gift for you.”
“What is it?” Ella asked whispering like Draven, who was no doubt trying to keep her subdued, ready for sleep.
“Here, let me help you.” He told her as she struggled with the wrapping. I grinned as I watched the two of them, not remembering seeing a sweeter image than this. I actually felt the tears roll down my cheeks in a bitter happiness, knowing that I would never get to see this from my own child, but happy in the knowledge that Draven would be just as he is now. He would be a wonderful father and that thought brought me peace and comfort when I needed it the most.
“What is it?!” Ella asked, getting excited when the wrapper was finally off.
“Shake it.” Ella shook the small glass globe in her hands and watched in fascination under her night lamp, as the glittering snow fell to the tiny forest below.
“Who is that?” Ella asked pointing to a tiny figure I couldn’t make out from in the doorway.
“That’s a wolf and he is known as the guardian. He will keep you safe from your nightmares and growl at them when they try to come near you. So keep him here, by your bed, so he can watch over you whilst you sleep. But you have to look after him and be gentle with him, because he is fragile in the day.” Ella’s eyes lit up, going wide as she took in her new friend and then she pulled it gently to her little heart and promised,
“I will guard him in the day, when he’s not strong.” My mouth dropped open in shock on hearing this coming from not even a two year old but it was said as though she meant every word and understood its importance.
“Good girl, now you go back to sleep and dream of happy things.”
“Like Aunty Pip, she’s my friend, I like her she’s funny and looks like candy.” I held back a laugh but Draven didn’t.
“That she does. Now sleep child and dream of your colourful friend,” he said placing a gentle kiss on her forehead and she quickly grabbed him by the head and said,
“Love you, Uncle Dom Dom.” Then she gave him a less gentle kiss on the cheek and flopped back down into bed. She was fast asleep by the time he closed the door.
“That’s was officially the cutest thing I have ever seen.” I told him and I was surprised when I saw him blush. It was obvious that her loving actions had got to him.
“She is a very special little girl.”
“You’re a very special old man.” I teased and he nipped at me, saying,
“Less of the old or you will see how this old man can still smack ripe young vixen’s bottoms.” I giggled as we walked down the stairs only to realise everyone had heard Draven’s interaction with Ella due to the monitor…thankfully missing the vixen bottom comment.
“Thank you so much Dom that will mean the world to her.” He nodded to my sister, accepting her thanks and then to Frank who also nodded his thanks.
The evening was coming to an end and I was just blessing the fact that other than the kitchen incident, it had all gone rather smoothly and considering there were more demons than humans at the table, I had to see it as a massive success. Even with the baby puke and scalded hand, it was still classed as a pretty tame night for these guys.
I hadn’t yet had chance to speak to my sister about the impromptu wedding plans but was hoping to at least have chance to explain before we left, considering we needed to plan stuff and I knew the main priority for Libby would be dress hunting. If anything, I was just remembering how stressed out my sister had been planning her own wedding for months before, so I was very glad I had handed it all over to Sophia, as I would have been like a bull in a china shop, doing damage just by looking for the exit.
So with that in mind I grabbed the wine bottle off the table and started to pour myself my first glass of the night when suddenly the smooth night ended and it all came crashing down…or at least my wine glass did.
Libby snatched out, knocking it from my hand just as I was about to drink and shouted,
“What are you doing?” I frowned at her and said,
“What did you do that for!? I was just having a drink!” Then she folded her arms to her chest and shouted back…
“Because you’re pregnant!”
Chapter 19
Not Always about a Baby
As you can imagine after this atomic sized bomb had been dropped at the dinner table, I wasn’t sure who was more shocked, Draven or I.
“Uh…I’m what now?” I asked and one look at the ‘trouble twins’ and I knew just which duo made the bomb for my sister to drop.
“I know.” Libby said and in the end all I could do was repeat her,
“You know.”
“Yes.”
“I’m a bit confused here, what exactly do you know?” I asked putting a fist to my forehead and closing my eyes in frustration.
“That you’re pregnant and that’s why you guys are getting married so soon.” Well that would have been the perfect excuse to tell her and also explain why when I got back from my trip to baby making town, that I was pregnant. However, there was a fundamental flaw in this plan of theirs and that was the pissed off King sat next to me!
“I can assure you Libby that there has been some mistake, Keira is not pregnant, unfortunately nor is she ever likely to be.” I sucked in a sharp breath on hearing this from Draven at the same time my sister did.
“Draven.” I hissed his name under my breath and he shot me a dark look.
“Keira is this true? Can you not…?” I could tell the question was painful for her to ask and I suddenly felt like crying. In the end I did the only thing I could do,
“Sorry, but I can’t do this right now.” Then I got up from my seat and ran out the door. I heard my sister calling me back and Sophia trying to calm her. I ran down the steps, onto the gravel drive and was running to the tree line when he caught up with me.
“Stop!” He pulled my arm so I spun to face him and when he saw my tears he lost the fight in his eyes.
“No, you stop!” I shouted at him and yanked myself free.
“Keira, I am…”
“Don’t you dare say that you’re sorry because right now, I just don’t want to hear it!” I was so angry at him for saying what never needed to be said. And how was I going to look at Libby and explain things to her. For starters I didn’t even know what I would explain!
“Look, I understand if what I said was too…”
“Cold!” I snapped making him wince.
“Real.” He finished and I felt like I had been slapped.
“Why do you look so hurt, we talked about this?”
“Did we? Because all I heard from you was how you wished you could give me a child but never actually explained why you couldn’t or is it more of a case of wouldn’t?” I knew I should have stopped, but in my emotional state I just didn’t seem to have the power to. I think deep down the root of my hurt was that if Draven would just agree to giving me a child and doing what was right for the rest of the world, then I wouldn’t be in this mess. I wouldn’t have the ‘Fates’ resting on my shoulders to travel back into the past, risking not only my life but those I cared about. But more than that, deep down my wish would have been to have a child with the Draven I knew and loved.
And that was something I was never going to get. So hearing his words hammering down that final nail into the box where I kept my dreams and sealing its lid forever, was not ever going to be an easy thing to accept.
“I can’t talk about this now.” I told him, which was the truth because it was too dangerous. I was liable to say something that I would either regret, or worse, something that could tip him off to our plans.
“Keira, I know this isn’t easy for you to accept and I…” He stopped as if trying to find the right words this time,
“…wish things were different but…” Because I knew what he was actually talking about I could no longer listen to him.
“Please, just stop Draven. Just let me deal with this my own way.”
“And how is that?” he asked getting annoyed.
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“By giving me space and letting me come to terms with this in my own time and not just blurting out the fact that we will never have a child with my own family before even discussing it with me first…you know, your wife!” I shouted back at him as my anger increased.
“So you think that if I could have a child with you that I wouldn’t?”
“If the shoe fits, Draven!” I shot back at him.
“This may come as a surprise to you but I…” He stopped himself and I had found my limit.
“But you never wanted one with me!” I said, throwing this cruel statement in his face and not fully understanding why. He took a step back as though I had slapped him and if I thought he looked angry before, now he looked really pissed off.
“Fine! Deal with this any way you want but just deal with it because the sooner it is put to rest, the better for all of us!” he shouted back before storming off towards the house, but before he got there I shouted back,
“YOU MEAN BETTER FOR YOU!” Then I too turned my back on him and stormed off in the opposite direction. I wanted to scream and shout and curse all men but in the end I simply ran out of steam, fell to my knees, curled into a ball and cried. I lifted my head, hearing in the distance the roar of an engine, knowing now that Draven had left me…as I had stupidly asked.
I didn’t know how long I lay there crying in the dirt but it wasn’t long until I heard a comforting voice which brought me back to my harsh reality.
“You know I remember how hard it was on me and Frank when we were trying for a baby.” My sister’s voice was suddenly there and she sat on the dirty ground next to me, placing my head in her lap. She stroked my hair back and told me of her own experiences.
“I remember a huge fight me and Frank had over it. Thinking back now and its odd to imagine that it nearly broke us up.” I frowned in her lap and started to feel the rain fall around us. Libby didn’t budge and neither did I, as what she was telling me was too important.
“I made it out like he wasn’t interested in having a child and threw it in his face that he didn’t care about it as much as I did.” Her sad voice told me of her regret and it only got sadder as the story went on.
“We had tried for years and the heartbreak of getting my period every month was as hard for him to watch as it was for me to endure, but I never saw it…I guess I was too wrapped up in my own self-pity to notice his.” I thought about what she told me and wondered if I was doing the same?
“When I think back to the horrible things I said to him that night, all I feel is shame for putting the man I love through that. I feel ashamed that I ever let him see that side of me.” She continued rubbing my wet hair back from my face and staring off into the trees.
“What happened?” I asked softly and she gave me a smile that wasn’t really all there.
“I told him to leave. I told him to get out and never come back, that I was done.” I sucked in a sharp breath of shock but I didn’t need to say anything.
“I was so upset. I blamed him and all I could focus on was having a baby. All I could see was something that I thought I wanted most in the world and how he wasn’t able to give it to me.” I closed my eyes thinking about how this must have made Frank feel and I felt so bad for this awful time they went through. A time I had no clue was happening.
“I know that look, one I imagine I gave you quite a few times before, when you kept how you really felt about things, but you would never tell me either.” I knew she was right, so I kept quiet on the matter, asking her instead about what happened.
“He was gone for a week and I thought I was better off. I convinced myself I didn’t want to be with a man who didn’t share my own dreams.” She wiped away a stray tear at the pain that the difficult memory obviously brought back.
“So what did you do to get past it?”
“It was simple really. I just realised I was wrong.” I sat up and faced her and I didn’t need to ask what she meant, she told me.
“I got a letter through the post with both our names on it. I was shocked to see it was from a doctor’s I had never heard of in the city, but not as shocked as when I read it.”
“What did it say?” I asked softly.
“It said how nine days earlier, two days before our fight, Frank had gone to see a specialist and found out that it was his fault after all…”
“The low sperm count.” I finished off for her as I remembered Libby telling me that day when I found out she was pregnant and it was the reason she didn’t want to get Frank’s hopes up, waiting until she had her first scan to be sure.
“I can’t tell you how bad I felt. There I was blaming him as if he didn’t care and all the while he was trying everything he could to ensure we could have our own child. Suddenly having a child became secondary to spending my life with the man I loved…after all, it’s not always about a baby.” I smiled at her knowing that in the end we may do stupid things and make wrong decisions but as long as we can figure it out before it’s too late, then that’s what counts.
“What did you do?”
“I tore up the letter, not wanting him to know, and drove to his parents’ house. I remember it was a day like it is now and not yet dark. I barged my way in, much to his parent’s dismay, and begged him to come back. I told him how sorry I was and that I hated myself for the way I behaved. I told him that he was the only thing that mattered to me and that I loved him and nothing would ever change that.” On hearing this I couldn’t help but smile and hug her to me, saying,
“Aww Libs!” She hugged me back and whispered some much needed advice.
“Trust me when I say, if he doesn’t think he can give you a child, it doesn’t mean that doesn’t wish he could give you a child.” I nodded into her shoulder, realising my mistake.
“And remember, the one who can’t, is the one who undoubtedly is in more pain that you.” I closed my eyes and knew she was right. Draven had looked in pain that day when he told me he wished that he could give me this but I was too blinded by my own pain to recognise his.
“So I take it he took you back.” Libby pulled back and said with a smile,
“He hadn’t even unpacked.” I laughed and told her the truth or what I could of it.
“I want a child but he doesn’t think he can give me one. And like you said, I think he is angrier and upset at himself than at me.”
“I can imagine for a man like Dom, it’s a hard thing to accept as he doesn’t seem like the type of man who allows many things to be out of his control.” Well, she was spot on with that one, more than she would ever realise.
“You have no idea how right you are.” I told her on a laugh.
“That’s the thing about nature, it’s the one thing we can’t always force to do what we want with it.” I gave her a small smile knowing that in this she wasn’t right as I was about to embark on a journey to do just that…
I was going to force nature and create my own fate.
“In the end I think it happened for us because we stopped worrying about it. We just relaxed and let nature take its course…I know it doesn’t work for everyone but I thank God to this day that it did. And now I just pray for the people who it hasn’t happened to yet.” I nodded, knowing that my sister was a good warm hearted person with a kind soul and every time she looked at Ella she would undoubtedly wish for everyone to be as happy as her.
“Come on, let’s get back inside.” She nodded back to the house and I started to follow her. She put her arm around me and I said,
“When did you get so wise?” She laughed and squeezed me closer saying,
“Hey, I may burn garlic bread but I make a mean philosophical point!”
“Very true, you’re a terrible cook but a wise and wonderful sister.” I told her and she put her head to mine as we walked side by side.
“I will always be there for you, no matter what it is, you know that right?”
“Ditto sis.”
“Right, now all the mushy crap is out the
way, tell me…what is it with your friends and saying the G word?” I laughed and said,
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you!”
After this I spent some time at Libby’s once she told me that I was saved the embarrassment as the others had left. Frank had been his usual great self and not mentioned it either. Of course, he knew what we were going through in a sense, so just like always he knew exactly what to say, which in this case was…nothing. I sat in my room just as I had done only days before and looked out to the mountains. The rain lashed against my window as it was now dark and all I could think about was what Draven was doing now. Half of me wanted to go and check and the other half wanted to sit here and give myself the time to clear my head.
Libby’s chat had helped and I knew I had to stop blaming Draven for his decision, just like in the end I was expecting him to forgive me when the time came. It wasn’t easy watching someone you cared about get upset about the things you couldn’t give them and added to that the reasons why. So I knew that Draven would be hurting just as much as I was. Therefore, it wasn’t fair of me to take it out on him, but I knew that was exactly what I was doing. I was upset that he had blurted it out in front of everyone, especially my sister, but no doubt he had been just as upset to find that my sister could have believed me pregnant, which I still needed to get to the bottom of.
After returning inside, I had sat downstairs for a while, smiling up at my sister when she passed me that large glass of wine I never got a sip of earlier.
“Thanks.”
“I thought you could do with it.”
“So tell me about the wedding.” And so for the next hour this conversation took my mind off everything else and I allowed myself to get excited about wedding plans. Libby was also excited although, as I suspected, worried about finding the right bridesmaid’s dress in time.
“Mum’s going to have kittens when she finds out.”