“We’re good to go. You’re lucky I remembered to get my ass up and go over there this morning. I think I’m still drunk from the other night when you stuffed them,” she complains softly.
“How much did you and Aunt Bobbie drink after I left?”
“I don’t even remember you leaving, don’t ask me such complicated questions,” she moans.
“Bev, I noticed you got me a lot of grilling items this year,” my dad states, holding up his basket. “Grill seasoning, new grill tools, a lighter for the grill…I’m assuming this means we’re grilling the pig, right?”
The hopeful look in his eyes turns into something altogether and downright disturbing when Bacon comes squealing into the living room from the hallway.
“If you ever wondered what your father looks like during sex with your mother, it’s probably the exact same look he’s giving that pig right now,” Alex tells me.
“I didn’t, but thank you for that visual,” I complain.
“Reggie, don’t you even think of coming near Bacon. We are NOT eating Bacon!” my mother shouts, scooping up the pig and cradling him in her arms. “Mommy got a fresh ham from the butcher yesterday and no one is going to tell Bacon that it may or may not be a relative, isn’t that right my little love muffin?”
My dad mutters and curses under his breath as he slams his basket down to the floor.
“Beverly, Jesus would want us to be happy. He would want us to eat Bacon on the day that He has risen!” he informs her.
“Jesus was Jewish!” she fires back.
“What’s that got to do with delicious bacon?” Alex argues, which earns him a pat on the back from my dad.
“Everyone, get outside and get in the cars! We’re going to be late for church, and you all need Jesus!” my mom shouts before turning and stomping out of the room.
“Is she planning on taking Bacon to church?” Sam asks, grabbing my hand and pulling me up from the couch.
“My parents have been going to this church for forty years. Do you think my mother taking a pig to church is the strangest thing they’ve ever seen?” I ask him as he laces his fingers through mine and we make our way outside.
8
Elbow Butt
Sam
Last year was my first Easter with Noel and her family, and the first time I’d ever stepped foot inside of a church. I was uncomfortable, to say the least, expecting lightening to strike as soon as I walked through the doors, but now, I actually kind of enjoy it.
“You’re right, I think the smell of Easter lilies is my favorite thing about Easter mass,” I lean over and whisper to Noel, who’s sitting to the right of me, as I stare at the hundreds of bouquets of white flowers lining the aisles and covering the floor all around the alter.
“Yep,” Noel whispers back with a terse nod, her nose crinkled up and her face pinched, almost like she doesn’t enjoy the smell at all.
I open my mouth to ask her if she’s okay, when Alex bumps his elbow into my arm from the other side of me.
“Hey, did you know if you take a close-up picture of the crease in your elbow, it looks like a butt?” he whispers, turning the screen of his phone around to show me the photo he just took as the organ starts to play.
“Did you know we’re in the middle of church?” I whisper back in annoyance.
“Whatever. I bet Jesus appreciates elbow butt. Hashtag, the more you know!”
Scheva leans around him and shushes us as we stand when the priest starts to make his way down the aisle.
“I’m so worried about Bacon. Do you think he’ll be okay? Maybe I should have stayed with him,” Bev whispers to Reggie from the pew behind us.
Bev dropped the pig off in the children’s quiet room, a glass enclosed soundproof room at the back of the church, where a few members of the congregation volunteer to keep an eye on kids who are too young to understand how to behave in church, so their parents can peacefully enjoy mass. She got more than a few strange looks from other parents and the volunteers when she dropped him off, and I’m honestly surprised they agreed to keep him.
“If any of those yahoos get any funny ideas about eating my pig, there will be hell to pay,” Reggie grumbles under his breath.
“Don’t curse in church! And stop talking about eating our baby!” Bev scolds him as we all turn to watch the priest walk by us, swinging an urn from a chain.
Smoke billows out of the urn as he passes, filling the church with the scent of incense, and I wrap my arm around Noel’s waist, pulling her against my side.
“God, I love this smell.”
Noel mumbles something, and I turn to see her grab a pamphlet out of the holder in the back of the pew in front of us and begin fanning her face. Sweat has broken out across her forehead and I watch her swallow thickly a few times before smiling up at me and nodding.
“Yep. Great smell. One of my favorite Easter smells,” she agrees, quickly clamping her mouth closed when she finishes, fanning her face with the pamphlet even faster until the hair falling down around her face starts billowing around her.
After the priest makes it to the front of the church and wishes everyone a Happy Easter, we all sit back down again, my eyes carefully watching Noel until Alex elbows me again.
“So, I think I’m gonna do it, man. I’m gonna pop the question to Scheva today,” he whispers, leaning away from Scheva, who’s sitting on the other side of him.
My head whips around to look at him in shock.
“You’re going to ask her to marry you?”
Alex pulls his face back and gives me a questioning look.
“What? No. Threesome, dude. I’m going to ask her to have a threesome. Jesus, get your head out of the gutter,” he whispers with a shake of his head. “Hey, speaking of the gutter, have you ever Tripled yourself during sex with Noel?”
When I do nothing but stare at him, he continues.
“You know, where you shit, puke, and orgasm at the same time.”
I shake my head at him in disgust, before whispering under my breath.
“Lord, forgive my best friend, and if you strike him down, give me time to move away from him first.”
Noel leans forward in her seat, resting her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. I look away from Alex to quickly reach over and start rubbing small circles in the middle of her back, moving forward to whisper in her ear.
“Honey, are you okay?”
She nods without moving her head away from her hands, and I notice as I rub her back that she feels really warm.
“I think the volunteers in the quiet room are pig prejudice,” Beverly whispers from behind us. “All of the kids are going to be making an Easter craft today, and they told me Bacon wouldn’t be participating. Can you believe that? I’ll be the only mother without an Easter craft after mass. I should complain to Father Brian.”
“Pipe down, woman. If anyone is complaining to Father Brian, it’s going to be me. You are breaking one of the Ten Commandments. Thou shalt not deny thy husband delicious bacon on Easter,” Reggie whispers.
“Is it hot in here? It’s not just me, is it? It’s really hot in here,” Noel states softly, turning her head to look at me.
Her face is pale and sweat dots her upper lip now. I’m starting to get really concerned that something might be seriously wrong with her.
“When is it time to go up and get wine? I need a drink,” Aunt Bobbie announces, looking over at me from the other side of Noel. “I love church wine. It’s all warm and buttery.”
“Oh, God,” Noel mumbles, pressing her hand against her mouth.
She sits up and leans against the back of the pew, dropping her hand, closing her eyes, and taking a few deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth.
Alex pokes his finger into my side and I turn away from Noel to scowl at him, but he doesn’t even notice.
“Do you think I should propose instead of ask for the threesome?” he whispers. “I mean, I do already love everything about her,
and she hates ninety-seven-percent of the things about me, so it’s kind of like we’re already married.”
I roll my eyes at him and turn back to Noel without answering, grabbing her under the arm and helping her stand up along with everyone else in the room. She sways a little and I wrap my arm around her, pulling her tightly to my side.
She looks up at me and gives me a reassuring smile, even though pieces of hair are now stuck to her sweaty cheeks and a bead of sweat drips down from her brow.
“I think we should just leave and go home so you can rest. Skip the Easter egg hunt,” I tell her quietly.
A look of panic washes over her face and she quickly shakes her head.
“No! I’m fine, I swear. We can’t skip the egg hunt!”
“You definitely don’t want to miss the egg hunt,” Aunt Bobbie whispers, giving me a wink. “Just ask Noel about the safety precautions of using those eggs when you get home. You know what, she’ll probably forget. I’ll write them down for you. Just don’t use flavored lube, especially the chocolate raspberry one. It’s extra gooey and sticky.”
Noel rests her hands on the back of the pew in front of us and drops her head with a groan. I swear I can hear her chanting something under her breath that sounds like “I will not throw up. I will not throw up,” but I can’t be sure since Bev and Reggie are now whisper arguing behind us.
“I never promised in our wedding vows to honor, obey, and feed you fresh bacon!”
“Jesus is very disappointed in you today, Beverly. He has risen and He is angry!”
“If you don’t stop it right now, we’re becoming Kosher and you will never eat another piece of pork for the rest of your life!”
“You wouldn’t dare!”
Suddenly, a loud squealing noise comes from the back of the church, and the entire congregation turns as one to see Bacon come flying out of the quiet room and down the center aisle, with three volunteers racing after him.
Bev pushes everyone in her row out of the way as she quickly shuffles down the length of her pew, bending down in the center of the aisle as Bacon comes flying into her arms. The entire room is a flutter of activity with everyone muttering under their breaths as Bev slides back down the row to her spot next to Reggie with a squirming, and still squealing, pig wrapped in her arms.
“Sorry! Sorry, everyone! It’s okay now, go back to praying,” she announces with a wave of her hand.
The priest goes back to speaking at the microphone and the congregation turns back around to the front of the church as Bev whispers quietly in Bacon’s ear and calms him down.
Turning back towards Noel, I find her place next to me empty and Aunt Bobbie gives me a shrug.
“I might have gone too far with the chocolate raspberry lube. But really, there’s no better place to purge the demons than the bathroom of a church. She will be HEALED!” Aunt Bobbie whispers loudly.
“Okay, fine. You convinced me. I’m gonna ask Scheva to marry me,” Alex whispers in my ear. “But she’s gonna have to swear on a stack of bibles that I’ll get my threesome for our one-year anniversary.”
Pushing my way around Alex and Scheva, I quickly head down the aisle to the back of the church in search of Noel, hoping she’s okay, wondering why in the hell we can’t have a normal holiday like normal people.
9
Angry Bowels
Noel
“Will you stop worrying, it’s going to be fine,” Scheva tells me for the hundredth time in the last fifteen minutes as we watch Sam wander around the side yard of the church, searching for his eggs, opening each one and reading the notes inside as he finds them.
The distant sounds of children shouting and laughing around the front of the church as they search for their own eggs doesn’t even make me smile. Sure, they look adorable in their Easter outfits, all the little girls in pretty, frilly dresses and white Mary Jane shoes, and all the boys in their little suits and ties, but I’m too busy watching the expression on Sam’s face with each new egg he discovers.
“See? He just made a face. It doesn’t look like a happy face,” I whine, wringing my hands together in front of me nervously.
“He’s probably distracted thinking about how you fled from church and yacked in the bathroom, then lied to him and told him you had the shits,” she says with a roll of her eyes.
“I didn’t tell him I had the shits! I told him my stomach was upset because I was worried he wouldn’t like the Easter present I got him.”
“Stomach upset, equals the shits. Now, whenever he thinks about you, he’s just going to picture you squatting on the toilet, with your bowels exploding.”
“Is he done yet? What’s taking him so long?” Aunt Bobbie asks, coming up next to us.
“Sam is thinking about how he’s never going to have sex with Noel again because she has angry bowels,” Scheva tells her.
“Shut up! He just found the last egg,” I scold them, grabbing onto Scheva’s arm and squeezing it as hard as I can.
The three of us watch him open the egg and pull out the note. He reads it, looks over at me, then looks down at the piece of paper in his hand again and scratches his head.
“Maybe he doesn’t understand that whole growing by two feet thing. I should have just written I’m pregnant,” I mutter as Sam looks over at me again with a look of confusion on his face.
I give him a tentative smile and rest my hand against my stomach, hoping that will clue him in.
“Don’t do that!” Scheva shouts, grabbing my hand and pulling it away from my stomach. “That’s just giving him a neon sign that screams ‘I STILL HAVE THE SHITS!’.”
Holding the small basket in one hand I gave him as soon as we got out of church, which he filled with all of the eggs after he opened them, and clutching all of the little pieces of paper in his other hand, he slowly walks over to where we’re standing.
Unable to stand the silence when he doesn’t say anything, I smile at him again and take a step towards him until we’re toe-to-toe.
“So? What do you think?” I ask softly, looking up at his face that’s still filled with bewilderment.
“Um, what do I think? Actually, I don’t really know. I mean, it’s unexpected, I’ll give you that.”
Lifting my arm, I wrap my hand around his bicep and give it a gentle squeeze.
“I know, very unexpected. But…seriously, what are you thinking right now? You understood what the notes meant, right?”
He looks down at the pieces of paper in his hand.
“Yeah, I understood. It’s kind of hard NOT to understand, but I’m thinking Easter was a weird time for you to do this,” he finally replies.
Okay, not exactly the response I was looking for, but all hope is not lost. He’s just in shock, and I don’t blame him.
“Easter is a time of rebirth, and joy and…I don’t know. I thought it was kind of fitting to do it today,” I tell him with a shrug.
He looks at me quizzically, so I keep going.
“I know we never discussed this before, and it’s probably a little bit shocking, but you’re happy, right?”
He opens and closes his mouth a few times before finally deciding what to say.
“I guess?”
I don’t really like the fact that it comes out as a question, but at least he’s not screaming and running away. We can still salvage this.
Dropping the notes into the basket on top of the eggs, he sets it down by our feet, quickly straightening back up to wrap his hands gently around my upper arms.
“Here’s the thing, I know I’m supposed to be happy, and over the moon excited, but…”
He pauses and my heart starts thundering in my chest as he gets his thoughts in order and keeps going.
“Look, I know most guys say they want this, but I’m not exactly one of those guys. I’m perfectly happy with the way things are.”
He smiles down at me and I have the sudden urge to punch him in the face. My gorgeous, sweet, amazing husband doesn’t want the child we
’ve created and is happier with it just being the two of us. That’s basically what he’s saying right now.
“It’s not like I can just take it back. You realize that, right?” I tell him through clenched teeth, grinding them together as hard as I can before I start to cry.
“I know, believe me. It’s out there and it’s not like we can erase it. Well, I mean, we can always pretend like it didn’t happen, maybe that’s a better idea,” he tells me with a smile.
A smile. A FUCKING SMILE.
“I’m pretty sure we can’t just pretend like it didn’t happen. It’s going to be very obvious it happened in no time at all,” I fire back, tears clouding my vision.
“I won’t tell anyone if you won’t,” he says with a wink. “Don’t feel bad. I love that you want to do something like this, but honestly, I don’t need to.”
I take a step back from him, swiping angrily at the tears that fall down my cheeks.
“Um, Noel, can we speak to you in private for a minute?” Aunt Bobbie asks from next to me where she’s squatting down beside Sam’s basket.
“I’m a little busy here right now! Busy having my hopes and dreams completely RUINED by my husband!” I cry.
“Okay, now you’re being a little dramatic, don’t you think?”
Sam quickly realizes he said the wrong thing to me when I narrow my eyes at him and Aunt Bobbie and Scheva both jump towards me, wrapping their arms around me before I throw myself on him and start swinging punches.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that!” Sam says in a panic, throwing his hands up in the air in a calming gesture.
“Noel, seriously, I think we need to—”
“SHUT UP!” I scream, cutting Scheva off as I glare at my husband.
“What in the devil is all this commotion about?” my mom asks, coming up next to us with Bacon in her arms.