“I MARRIED A MONSTER!” I scream, Sam’s eyes widening in shock at my proclamation.
“I told you that a year ago. No one ever listens to me,” my dad adds, walking up next to my mom. “If it makes you feel any better, I married a bacon-denier. We’ve all been duped, Noel.”
My mom smacks my dad’s hand away when he tries to reach for Bacon.
“I understand everyone is feeling a little stressed after mass this morning. Bacon apologizes for causing such a fuss and distracting everyone from their morning prayer. I think we all just need to calm ourselves down and head back to the house and enjoy a nice Easter dinner.”
Shrugging out of Aunt Bobbie and Scheva’s hold, I take a few steps away from everyone and wrap my arms around my waist, unable to take my eyes off of a still completely confused Sam, wondering how I’ll ever be able to celebrate another holiday after the disaster this one has turned into.
“It’s not going to be a nice Easter dinner unless we get to eat Bacon,” my dad grumbles.
“If you say eat Bacon one more time, I’ll make you convert to Buddhism!” my mom fires back.
“Woman, I don’t even know what that means.”
“IT MEANS NO COW FOR YOU EITHER!” my mom screams, walking away in a huff.
“YOU CAN’T DENY ME BEEF, BEVERLY! YOU ARE ON THE LAWN OF THE HOUSE OF GOD! THE EIGHTH COMMANDMENT STATES THOU SHALT NOT DENY THY HUSBAND BEEF!”
Everyone turns when we hear Alex laughing and find him bent down by the basket, sifting through the notes.
Unable to bear it any longer, I turn and walk away from the group, having no idea where I’m going, but knowing I need to be away from everyone right now before I drop down in the middle of the grass in a puddle of tears.
“Sam, you are the luckiest man in the world,” I hear Alex say before he shouts after me. “Noel, I have so much more respect for you right now! This is a God damn Easter blessing!”
At least someone sees the joy in this. Too bad it wasn’t my own husband.
10
Butt Stuff
Sam
I’m still in the same spot I was when Noel walked away a few minutes ago, staring at the door of the church she disappeared into, hoping she’ll come back out in a few minutes after she cools off.
“Let’s do butt stuff, anal is awesome, you should stick it in my butt,” Alex says, flipping through the pieces of paper Noel left in the eggs for me and reading them out loud before dropping them back into the basket and shaking his head at me. “I’m so disappointed in you right now. Who says no to butt stuff?”
I sigh and run my hand through my hair, trying my best to ignore him. It’s just so hard to believe Noel would get so mad at me. Shouldn’t a woman be thrilled her man doesn’t need anything like that to keep him happy? I love the sex we have now. It’s not like it’s boring and needs spicing up.
“Sam, we need to tell you something,” Aunt Bobbie says, resting her hand on my shoulder.
“No, YOU need to tell him something. I had nothing to do with this shitshow,” Scheva adds, coming up to the other side of me.
“I didn’t force that vodka down your throat, dickhole,” Aunt Bobbie argues.
“I don’t even remember what happened after Noel left and that incident with the spatula,” Scheva hisses.
“We promised to NEVER speak of that again!”
It’s like watching a tennis match with my head whipping from side-to-side with these two that I finally put up my hands to get them to stop.
“Will you two shut up and tell me what’s going on?”
Aunt Bobbie and Scheva move to stand in front of me, and then both take a few huge steps away from me.
“It’s better if we stand a safe distance away from you right now. You’re not armed, are you?” Scheva asks.
“Just spit it out. Do you two know what’s going on with Noel? What in the world would make her ask me if I want anal? Is she bored with our sex life? Oh, shit, she thinks I’m boring, doesn’t she?” I ask in a panic.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, no. She doesn’t think you’re boring in bed; believe me. I’ve heard her shouting just how unboring you are through those horribly thin doors you have,” Aunt Bobbie reminds me.
“Please don’t kill us, but we may have switched out the notes Noel actually wrote for you and put in those eggs that listed all the reasons she loves you, with notes of our own because vodka makes us do stupid things and we should never be allowed to make decisions when we’re drunk,” Scheva blurts out rapidly.
“Jesus, you could have warned me you were going to just rip it off like a Band-Aid. I didn’t even have time to take my heels off so I could run,” Aunt Bobbie complains.
“Wait, so you’re saying, Noel didn’t write those notes?”
Both women silently shake their heads no.
“So Noel doesn’t really want anal?”
They shake their heads in unison again.
Alex sniffles next to me and wraps his arm around my shoulder.
“I’m sorry, man. I’m really sorry. This is just a sad, sad day all around.”
Jerking out of his hold, I finally let out a deep breath of relief. Then I look at Aunt Bobbie and Scheva and scowl at them. I take a few steps in their direction, clenching my hands into fists at my sides, forcing myself to take a few more calming breaths before I speak as I look back and forth between the two of them.
“I’m going to start this off by saying that I love you both. I will never stop loving you, no matter what stupid shit you pull, but know this—I am very, VERY disappointed in you. I can’t even look at the two of you right now; I’m so upset. I want you to go over to the cars and think about what you’ve done, and when you’re ready to give me an apology, I’ll be ready to hear it.”
Right when I think they’re going to start cursing at me, they both break into tears.
“I was wrong. You’re not dumb. You are going to be SO good at this,” Aunt Bobbie tells me as she pulls a handkerchief out of her cleavage and dabs the material under her eyes.
“I have no idea what that means, but I’m going to go get my wife now,” I tell them, turning around and running as fast as I can across the lawn and into the church.
As soon as I step foot into the quiet, empty church, I see Noel sitting in a pew a few rows in front of me, staring straight ahead. Moving quietly down the aisle, I slide into the row behind her and take a seat, the wooden bench creaking as I sit down.
“I love you because you asked me to come home with you at Christmas, when you didn’t even know me,” I tell her softly. “I love you because you gave me a family. I love you because you’re beautiful and you don’t even know it. I love you because you make me laugh.”
Moving forward, I rest my knees on the kneeler, drape my arms over the pew and around Noel, resting my chin on her shoulder.
“I love you because you’re sexy. I love you because you’re independent. I love you because you love your family even though they’re nuts. But most of all, I love you because you love me better than anyone ever has in my life.”
I hear her sniffle and she finally turns to face me.
“Why do you have to say such sweet things to me when I’m mad at you?”
I smile at her, removing one of my arms from its tight hold on her to brush the tears off her cheek.
“Don’t be mad at me. Aunt Bobbie and Scheva just admitted they switched out the notes you wrote and put in the eggs,” I explain.
Her eyes widen and she groans.
“Wait, there’s more. The notes that were in those eggs were all about you wanting anal. Shit. I shouldn’t say anal in a church, should I? Shit! I shouldn’t say shit! Oh, my God, I’m going to hell. I mean, oh my goodness!”
Noel laughs, turning all the way around in her seat to look at me.
“So everything you said outside, that was all about anal sex?” she asks.
“Yes, yes, it was. And just so you know, I still stand firm on my decision, even though Alex will neve
r forgive me.”
“And did they tell you what all of the notes said?” she asks tentatively.
“Yes. I mean, I think they did. They told me you wrote down all of the reasons why you love me. Which gave me the bright idea to come in here and do it for you. Did it work? Am I forgiven?” I ask hopefully.
She sighs, leaning towards me to rest her forehead against mine.
“That depends on what you’re going to say when I tell you what the last note I wrote said. I did write down ten reasons why I love you, but the eleventh egg had a different note in it,” she says.
“And what did that note say?” I ask with a smile.
Pulling back from me, she gets on her knees facing me on the seat of the pew, grabs my hand and holds it against her stomach.
“That our love grew by two feet, arriving in October,” she whispers as tears fill her eyes.
My mouth drops open as I look back and forth between her face and her stomach where my hand rests.
“Are you serious?” I choke out, not even ashamed that my own eyes are getting blurry with tears.
Noel just nods her head.
“We’re gonna have a baby?”
She nods again and I jump up from the kneeler, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her against me.
“Sorry, God, but HOLY SHIT WE’RE GONNA HAVE A BABY!” I shout as loud as I can, my voice echoing around the quiet church. I bury my face into the side of Noel’s neck and tighten my hold on her.
“Son, I’m a very forgiving man, but after the incident with the pig, I can’t take much more today.”
Pulling back from Noel, I give Father Brian a sheepish smile as he sighs and continues walking down the aisle to the front of the church.
When he’s out of earshot, I look back down at Noel and press my hands to either side of her face.
“Holy shit, we’re gonna have a baby!” I whisper.
“So, you’re happy? This is okay? I know it’s a shock, but—”
“Honey, I’m not happy, I’m more than happy. There isn’t even a word for what I am right now. I love you so much,” I tell her, tilting my head forward and pressing my lips against hers.
“I love you more. I’m sorry I called you a monster,” she tells me.
“I kind of deserved it. I mean, you thought you were telling me you were pregnant and I was telling you I didn’t want it. Don’t worry, I’ve already put Aunt Bobbie and Scheva in time-out until they’re ready to apologize,” I reassure her.
Noel laughs as we break apart, our hands lacing together as we walk down our respective rows until we get to the center aisle and start walking to the back of the church.
“You’re going to be such a good dad.”
“Too bad I was a shitty husband. You’ve had morning sickness all this time, not the flu. I’m such an idiot,” I tell her.
“We’re both idiots, but we’re gonna have a baby and hopefully stupidity skips a generation,” she says with a laugh.
We pause at the back of the church and I turn Noel to face me, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her close.
“I am so in love you with you. I can’t believe we’re going to have a baby,” I whisper.
Sliding her hands up my chest, she laces her fingers together at the back of my neck.
“I wish we were alone right now and didn’t have to go back to my parent’s house for Easter dinner.”
Glancing over Noel’s shoulder, I notice an open door behind her that leads to a closet.
“Your family is going to be busy for a little while longer with the egg hunt. How do you feel about having sex in a church?” I ask softly, slowly walking her backwards and into the dark room.
“Well, we already talked about anal in God’s house, how much worse could it get?” she laughs, as I close the door behind us.
Lifting her up in my arms, Noel quickly wraps her legs around my waist as I turn and push her back gently against the wall next to the door.
“Just so we’re in agreement, I’m driving the bus to hell, but I’ll give you a good deal on your ticket to ride.”
It’s pitch dark in this room and, as I remove one arm from around Noel, I feel her body shake with laughter against mine as I smack my hand against the wall in search of a light switch.
“Oh, I definitely want to ride,” she says in a low, sexy voice, pulling my head towards her so quickly that our foreheads smack together instead of our lips. “Ow, ow, ow!”
“Shit, are you okay? It’s really dark in here,” I state, still fumbling around with my palm against the wall. “Where the hell is the light switch?”
Her hands move from the back of my neck, and I feel them slide between us, going right for the button and zipper of my pants.
“I’m fine, screw the lights,” she replies, her hand easing into the opening of my pants and right down into my boxer briefs, pulling my cock out and stroking it from base to tip.
I groan, forgetting all about looking for the light as she teases my dick. Moving my hand away from the wall, I pull my hips back enough to reach between her legs and slide her thong to the side. Still holding me in her hands, Noel guides me to her as I push my hips forward and feel the tip of my cock slide through her wetness.
“Oh, I’m gonna screw something alright,” I whisper as I slowly push inside of her.
11
Sperm Donor
Noel
“Oh, yes!” I shout, moving my hand out from between our bodies to hold on tightly to Sam’s shoulders as he slowly pumps in and out of me.
I wish I could see his face, but there’s something about having sex in total darkness that makes things even hotter. Or maybe it’s just the fact that my husband is really good at what he does to my body.
“Baby, you gotta be quiet,” Sam reminds me, his lips hovering right over mine as he starts thrusting harder.
His hand slides down from my back and under the skirt of my dress to clutch my ass, holding himself deep inside of me and swiveling his hips.
“Oh, my God…” I mumble, grinding myself against him. “How am I supposed to be quiet when you do that?”
All of a sudden, I feel something wet against my cheek.
“Did you just lick my cheek?” I ask when he pulls his hips back and thrusts into me harder.
“Sorry, it’s fucking dark in here and I can’t find your mouth.”
Patting my hands against the side of his neck and up to his face, I feel my way across his cheeks with the tips of my fingers until I get to his lips, like a person reading braille.
Moving my head forward, I press my lips to his, pulling my fingers out of the way and moving them down to clutch the material of his shirt.
His mouth opens and his tongue slides past my lips, swirling around my own as he picks up the pace, fucking me with slow, shallow strokes, hitting me in the perfect spot over and over until my thighs start to shake around his hips and I lock my ankles together tighter against his lower back.
I moan into his mouth as he keeps up the same rhythm, kissing me harder as his hips start moving faster between my thighs. My orgasm explodes out of me so quickly that it takes my breath away, and I yank my lips away from his to shout his name as he pounds into me, my back smacking against the wall as he buries his face into the side of my neck, muffling his own shout as he quickly follows. His hips jerk and his body shudders as he comes inside of me, before collapsing against me and pinning me harder to the wall.
“Damn, pregnant sex is hot,” I admit, my head thumping back against the wall.
“If I could see your face, I’d look into your eyes and tell you I agree, and I love you.”
Sam groans as he slowly pulls himself out of me and I unlock my ankles, sliding my legs down until my feet hit the floor.
I pause in the process of smoothing my skirt down when there’s a knock at the door.
“I’m going to assume you two are in that closet because you’re looking for your coats,” my dad says through the door.
“
Honey, it’s the middle of spring and it’s gorgeous outside. Noel and Sam didn’t wear coats,” my mom tells him from outside the closet.
“Let me have my illusions, Beverly. You’ve already killed my bacon dreams, how much more do you want me to suffer?”
“How come we’ve never had sex in a church, Reggie?”
“THEY’RE LOOKING FOR COATS! STOP TRYING TO KILL ME!
I hear Sam sigh, and we bump into each other as we both try feeling our way in the dark room for the door handle.
“Quit dilly-dallying in there LOOKING FOR YOUR COATS!” my dad orders. “Easter dinner isn’t going to cook itself, and I’ve got a wife to roofie and a Bacon to butcher.”
My parents continue to argue as they walk away, their voices slowly beginning to fade. Sam finally finds the door, turns the handle and opens it, both of us squinting when the light comes pouring into the room.
“Remember when I said I hope stupidity skips a generation?” I ask as Sam grabs my hand and we walk out of the closet. “Hopefully batshit crazy skips a generation, too.”
“Num, num, num, little cutie, isn’t that good? Yes, it is good. Clean your plate and you can have dessert, my handsome little man.”
Everyone around the table stops eating and stares at my dad in silence until he finally looks up at us from the end of the table, patting Bacon’s head where he currently sits on my dad’s lap, gobbling up a slice of ham right from dad’s plate.
“Don’t look at me like that. He grew on me, alright?” dad mutters before looking back down at Bacon and smiling.
“I think I just lost my appetite again. I can’t believe you’re feeding him ham,” I huff with a grimace.
I don’t know if it was sex with Sam earlier that cured my morning sickness, or just the fact that my mom’s food can cure anything, but I haven’t stopped eating since we sat down at the table.
Ham, cheesy potatoes, stuffed cabbage rolls, pasta salad, deviled eggs, a veggie tray…I’ve shoveled several platefuls of everything into my mouth, nonstop, in the last half hour since my mom finished cooking and set everything on the table.