With a full belly, I reach over and give Sam’s hand a squeeze and he smiles and nods at me. We rode back to my parent’s house alone in our car, and I told him I had special Easter presents for everyone to tell them some exciting news I received the other day, and to tell my parents that we’re expecting a baby. Sam brought the baskets in when everyone was busy helping my mom in the kitchen. I push back my chair and quickly go into the living room to grab everything.
Walking back into the dining room with a handful of small, plastic baskets filled with different colored Easter grass, and a present for each person nestled in the grass, I walk around the table, handing each person their basket until I get back to my seat and set a basket for Sam in front of him.
“So, I have some news. First, everyone take out the item in their basket,” I instruct.
My dad goes first, pulling a coffee mug out of his basket and reading what’s printed on the side of it.
“Dad’s poop juice,” he reads. “I like it. Can’t start the day without my morning dump.”
Scheva goes next, pulling a handful of pens out of her basket, reading the words printed on each one.
“Hands off you thieving twat, professional giver of no fucks, this is my pen dickface,” Scheva reads with a laugh. “Awwwww, you know me so well, asshole.”
Alex pulls a bumper sticker out of his basket and holds it up for everyone to see.
“I love midget porn,” he says with a smile. “I do, I really do.”
Aunt Bobbie then pulls a button out of her basket.
“I am a hazard to society,” she reads. “I should probably be offended by this, but fuck it. It’s true,” she says with a shrug.
Finally, my mom pulls a small box out of her basket, opening the lid and pulling out the silver necklace with its small, flat circle of stamped metal hanging from the chain.
“I love Bacon. Oh, Noel, how sweet!”
I smile at everyone around the table.
“So, you all know how my bosses have asked me to think outside my usual greeting card box, but didn’t give me much more of an explanation?” I ask, as everyone nods. “Well, I found out the reason for that. They recently got approval from the board of directors about expanding Seduction and Snacks. Starting in a few weeks, the stores will now be called, Seduction and Snacks and Salutations. Each store will now have a small area that will sell anything I want with inappropriate sayings on them, from shirts, to coffee mugs, to pens, to whatever I can think of.”
Everyone around the table starts cheering and Sam grabs my hand, pulling it up to his mouth and kissing the top of it. I already told him this information in the car, and he hasn’t stopped telling me how proud he is of me since then. I can see the pride shining in his eyes as he looks up at me with a smile.
“Sam and I have one more surprise,” I tell them, interrupting the celebration as Sam hands me one of the rolled up t-shirts from the basket in front of him before grabbing the second one I put in there.
We both unfold and shake out the shirts, turning them around and holding them up in front of us at the same time.
Sam’s shirt says “Sperm Donor”, and my shirt says “Sperm Recipient” across the front.
It only takes two seconds for my mom to read them and scream at the top of her lungs.
“OH, MY GOD, MY BABY IS HAVING A BABY!”
She flies out of her chair and races around the table, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me against her.
“How in the hell did this happen?” my dad mutters as my mom pulls back from me and glares at him.
“How do you think it happened, Reggie? Immaculate conception?”
“Exactly. Let’s go with that, since Sam knows better than to defile my daughter,” he states, shooting an angry look at my husband.
“Oh, for cheddar’s sake, we’re going to be grandparents again. Tell Noel you’re happy,” my mom orders him.
“I’m extremely happy Noel is making me a grandfather again, as long as it was an immaculate conception.”
Giving up, my mom looks away from my dad and pulls me in for another tight hug.
“I’m so happy for you, honey. I was so worried Sam’s swimmers would be duds,” she says.
“Heeeeey,” Sam protests.
My mom moves away from me to pat Sam on the shoulder.
“Oh, don’t be offended, sweetie. You know we were all worried about your sperm ever since your wedding and that stray firework. I’ve been having the women in my quilting guild at church pray for your sperm ever since then,” she tells him.
“Yeah, God!” Aunt Bobbie shouts, lifting her glass of wine into the air. “Here’s to Sam’s swimmers not being burnt to a crisp!”
As everyone toasts my husband’s sperm, my dad finally gets up from his chair and, with Bacon under one arm, gives me a hug and tells me he really is happy for us. But not without a two-finger eye-point to Sam before he heads outside.
“Alright, everyone! It’s time for the street Easter egg hunt with the neighborhood children. And Reggie has his own special surprise for everyone!” My mom exclaims with a clap of her hands.
We all get up from the table and start filing outside.
“Do you think your dad’s special surprise has anything to do with beating the shit out of me for defiling you?” Sam asks as we head out into my parent’s front yard.
“If it does, I’ll give you enough warning so you can run,” I tell him.
12
The Bunny is Coming
Sam
Standing behind Noel with my arms wrapped around her, I rest my chin on top of her head and smile. From our spot on the sidewalk, we watch Bev walk around the yard with a tray of the Easter candy she made, passing it out to the parents as all of the neighborhood kids walk around, searching for the Easter eggs Noel colored that Bev hid earlier this morning. Everyone is smiling and laughing and having a great time under the late afternoon sun, watching the kids search through Bev’s tulips and daffodils and behind trees decorated with plastic eggs. Everyone seems to have gotten used to the scary bunnies littering the lawn. Even though they give those things a wide berth as they walk around them, no one is crying.
“This is going to be our future,” I whisper to Noel, unable to take my eyes off of a little girl around two-years-old, walking around the lawn holding her mother’s hand.
The laughter and joy is suddenly interrupted by terrified screams, and Noel scrambles out of my arms when a group of children come racing down the driveway from the side of the house.
“What the hell?” I wonder as we start heading in their direction, the children full-on sobbing at this point as they look behind them while they run.
“THE BUNNY IS COMING! THE BUNNY IS COMING!”
The shout echoes from the side of the house the kids just came from, and all of a sudden, the entire yard erupts into screams as everyone starts to flee the area. Kids drop their baskets where they stand, and parents scoop up the younger ones and take off running right as something comes around the corner of the house.
“Sorry, Sam. But I’m pretty sure that is our future,” Noel sighs as Reggie, dressed in a giant, fluffy bunny costume, hops through the yard, still shouting.
“THE BUNNY IS COMING! WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY?!”
Unfortunately, what was once an adorable bunny costume with a big, fluffy, cute bunny head has been turned into a thing nightmares are made of.
“He dressed the damn bunny in drag. Why would he do that?” Noel says with a shake of her head as a little boy around ten stumbles and falls right in front of us.
He looks over his shoulder in fear, and I quickly bend down and help him get back up on his feet.
“It’s going to kill me! Why is it wearing a dress?” the little boy asks before racing away and down the sidewalk.
Standing back up, I grab Noel’s hand and we walk over to the middle of the yard where Reggie the drag bunny is standing, his giant bunny head wearing a long black wig, bright blue eye shadow caked abo
ve his furry eyes, and red lipstick smeared all over his furry lips.
“I don’t understand what the problem is? What is the world coming to when parents aren’t teaching their children how to be sensitive to people who are different?” Reggie asks, his voice coming out muffled inside the bunny head.
“Please! Come back! Don’t be afraid of the bunny! He won’t hurt you! We’re all going to take pictures with the bunny, won’t that be fun?!” Bev shouts as she runs by us behind a small group of parents and children.
There’s another loud, ear-piercing scream from the far corner of the yard and we turn to see Scheva racing towards us with Alex right behind her. I drop Noel’s hand as Scheva flies into her arms.
“Alex asked me to marry him! Alex asked me to marry him!” she shouts.
Noel and Scheva both start screaming, crying, and jumping up and down with their arms still wrapped around each other.
“I can’t believe I’m only going to stick my dick in one woman for the rest of my life,” Alex says to me, sounding a little bewildered, as we watch our women continue to cry and carry on.
“Don’t you mean, you can’t believe you get to spend the rest of your life with the woman of your dreams?” I ask.
“Yeah, yeah, that too. At least I have a threesome to look forward to for our one-year-anniversary,” he says with a smile.
“Guess what? We decided to have a Halloween wedding!” Scheva announces, pulling away from Noel.
“Oh, my God. That will be so much fun!” Noel agrees.
Her smile suddenly falls.
“Wait a minute. A Halloween wedding? Shit. I’ll be ready to give birth at Halloween,” Noel groans.
“I know, isn’t it perfect?! I already decided you would dress up as the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and now you won’t have to wear a fat suit since you’ll be HUGE!” Scheva tells her.
“Oh, fuck off! I am NOT wearing a Pillsbury Dough Boy costume, you giant vagina!” Noel argues.
“YOU’RE the one who will have a giant vagina after you push that kid out, twat face,” Scheva fires back.
The two women continue to fight back and forth, and Alex sighs next to me.
“This is so hot. I hope they start wrestling soon.”
“That’s my pregnant wife you’re talking about,” I tell him with a punch in the arm.
“Don’t tell me you think pregnant porn isn’t hot.”
For the next half hour, Noel and Scheva continue their argument about Alex and Scheva’s Halloween wedding, while Bev and Aunt Bobbie manage to get the neighborhood calmed down and assembled back in the yard to have pictures taken with the Drag Bunny.
Alex and I carried out a white, high-back chair from Bev and Reggie’s living room when we got back from church earlier for Reggie to sit on for the pictures, and placed it in front of the shrubs filled with plastic Easter eggs.
Every single photo Bev takes with her Polaroid camera has a child on Reggie’s lap who he has to tightly restrain with his giant fluffy bunny arms, while the poor kid is screaming, crying, and reaching for his or her parent.
As Noel and I stand off to the side of the yard and watch the last of the pictures being taken, I wrap my arm around her shoulder as she leans into my side and rests her head on my chest.
“The parents are going to burn those photos as soon as they get home,” she laughs, as Bev pulls a film out of the camera, shakes it a few times, and waits for the parent to quickly scoop their crying kid off of Reggie’s lap before she hands it to them.
“Happy Easter, baby,” I tell her as I kiss the top of her head.
She angles her face up to me and smiles.
“Happy Easter, daddy-to-be.”
Just hearing those words fills me with so much excitement and happiness; I almost can’t stand it.
“Should we start placing bets now about Alex and Scheva’s Halloween wedding and how much of a hot mess it will be?” I ask her.
“I don’t know, maybe our holiday jinx is finally lifted. I mean, honestly, what more could possibly go wrong for us around the holidays?” she asks, sliding her arms around my waist and squeezing me tightly. “I have a feeling this Halloween, we might actually celebrate a normal, non-dysfunctional holiday.”
“I AM NOT GOING TO MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP! I’M A GOOD BUNNY WITH EXCELLENT TASTE IN FASHION! STOP BEING SO INSENSITIVE!” Reggie shouts as he jumps up from his chair and hops after a little boy who refuses to sit on his lap.
“Maybe we should have your mom and her quilting guild start praying about Halloween now,” I tell Noel.
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” she agrees as we both run across the yard to help Reggie grab the poor little kid who will probably never sleep again, and grow up hating Easter for the rest of his life.
The End
A Note from Aunt Bobbie
1
A Note from Aunt Bobby
The Joy of Cocking
It’s Bobbie, Bitch
Dude Looks Like a Lady
Sex, Drugs and Other Fun Things!
Like Cocaine Through an Hourglass, These are the Days of Bobbie’s Life
Setting my pen down on the coffee table in front of me, I tilt my head to the side and stare at the notebook next to it.
“These titles are all so catchy, but I want to reach a wider audience. Sure, the twenty-something crowd would probably enjoy reading a book with cocaine in the title, but I’m not sure their grandmothers will feel the same way. But, The Joy of Cocking really does have a nice ring to it. What do you think? Keep it simple, or when in doubt, always go with cock?”
“Aunt Bobbie, how many times have I explained to you that I really don’t want my daughter’s first word to be c-o-c-k.”
Spoiler alert: Noel got her pumpkin stuffed, went into labor in the middle of Alex and Scheva’s Halloween wedding, some crazy man dressed as a woman, dressed as a clown got high on the weed drugs, terrorized the town and almost ruined the whole thing (that was me, in case you’ve been living under a rock) and despite all of that, Sam and Noel managed to give birth to a healthy baby girl. And I use the term “healthy” very loosely. We’ll fuck her up in no time at all, don’t worry. Also, Sam managed to pull off the surprise of the century by buying Noel’s dream house, the one right across the street from Reggie and Bev, and almost lost his life by decorating it better than Reggie did.
I look up from my spot on the couch and roll my eyes at Noel as she rushes across Reggie and Bev’s living room that looks like the Christmas decoration section of Walmart, Target, and the Dollar Tree puked all over it, and leans down to take her little bundle of joy out of my arms.
“You already strapped her with a name that will ensure she gets her ass kicked on the playground, at least give her a fighting chance by letting her learn a few colorful words to shout back when everyone makes fun of her,” I inform my niece as I hug little miss Christmas Holiday Stocking closer to my chest and place a kiss on her adorable little baby head. “Besides, she’s not even two months old yet. She has no idea that I’m saying cock, and cocaine, and gang bang.”
I enunciate each fun word in high-pitch baby talk as I stare down at my great-niece, my heart filling with so much love whenever I look at her chubby little cheeks, sparkling green eyes and full head of strawberry blonde hair. Christy is the spitting image of Noel when she was a baby, which is probably why I’ve been thinking about the past so much lately and disgusting myself with all these…feelings.
When Noel realizes I’m not ready to relinquish her daughter back to her quite yet, she focuses her attention on my notebook resting on the coffee table instead. Pushing aside a white plastic Santa sleigh complete with eight white plastic tiny reindeer, three ceramic snowman figurines, two candy dishes filled to the brim with Christmas chocolates, a giant red pillar candle with a holly leaf wreath around the base and a fucking partridge in a pear tree, she grabs the notebook and skims what I’ve written as she sits down on the couch next to me.
“Do I even want to ask w
hat you’re doing?”
“I’m writing my memoirs,” I inform her, placing another kiss on the top of Christy’s head as her eyes flutter closed and she falls asleep in my arms.
“You’re memoirs?”
“My memoirs.”
“Your memoirs…” she trails off.
“Is there a fucking echo in here? You’re lucky your daughter just passed out or I’d have to remind her once again that her mother isn’t as bright as she looks,” I mutter.
“Kiss my ass,” Noel fires back.
“Oooooh, the ginger is angry!”
My laughter is met with a stern look from my niece and once again, I’m reminded that no matter how hard I try, it’s impossible for me to be the adult in any situation. Where’s the fun in that, anyway?
We spend a few quiet minutes staring down at Christy, both of us with matching, sappy smiles on our faces as we watch her tiny little lips twitch in her sleep.
“I can’t believe I’m someone’s mother,” Noel whispers, reaching over to gently run her fingers through Christy’s hair.
“I can’t believe you actually found a man who would not only have sex with you, but do it repeatedly and without protection.”
“Can you be serious for two seconds?” she asks.
“Highly unlikely.”
I’m not about to tell her about all these weird, emotional things I’ve been feeling lately or I’ll never hear the end of it. Which is why I thought it would be a good idea to write it all down. I’m not getting any younger. Having a new baby in the family is joyous and wonderful, but it also reminds you of your own mortality. When I die, what will people remember about me? Will they think I was a crazy woman trapped in a man’s body who enjoyed illegal narcotics from time-to-time and hopped from one bed to another more often than most people change their underwear in a week? I mean, it’s true, but that wasn’t always the case.