Van touched my arm, and I turned to face him. His brow was heavy with emotion, his face drawn as he slipped his arms around my waist and pulled me off the ledge. I saw everything in his eyes that could have been, everything I would lose as he set me down, held me close. And for that moment, we existed in our own universe, caught in our own gravity.
Every step that took us back to The Kyle Building twisted the knife, and when we reached the scratched up metal door, I watched over his shoulder like a rat as he punched in the code to the access door. I felt sick as I followed him down the stairs, dizzy and green. Maybe it was too soon to run after getting the shit beat out of me. Or maybe I was just fucking scum.
I followed Van down the stairs, through his hallway, and the second his apartment door closed behind me, I knew we were at the end. When he turned, the look on his face told me he knew it too.
He opened his mouth to protest, but I beat him to it.
“We need to talk.” The words were sandpaper in my mouth.
He took a step toward me. “Cory—”
I took a step back. “No, Van. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to mislead you.” A tingling ran up my arms, up my neck and cheeks.
Tell him as much of the truth as you can. He deserves as much as you can give him.
There was one solid reason why he shouldn’t be with me that no amount of truth could change.
I took a breath. “I’m not made for this.”
“Don’t do this, Cory.” The urgency in his words tugged at me like a physical tie.
I shook my head. “This is too much, too fast. You don’t know me, and I don’t know you, either. You don’t know anything about me.”
“I know enough.” He didn’t move, but the words commanded me. I was compelled to give in to him, and I pictured myself doing it. It would be so easy to walk across the room and into his arms. But he had done nothing to deserve the pain I would bring him. His idea of me was nothing near the truth.
“You don’t know anything, Van. If you did, you’d never want me. That’s the honest truth.”
“Then tell me.” He said it as if it were the simplest thing in the world.
“I want to.” But I can’t. My voice broke, the futility of it like a bomb in my chest.
In two steps, he was in front of me. “Then do it,” he said softly. “Don’t run. Stay.” His fingers slipped into my hair, to the nape of my neck, and he pulled, bringing his lips to mine.
I leaned into him, desperate. Our lips were hungry, our hands frantic on each other for the last time. I couldn’t pull away, and he knew he had me. His touch told me he was mine and I was his, and every kiss he laid on my lips was meant to convince me to stay, that he was worth it. But I already knew, and the decision was already made.
So with each kiss I gave him, I said goodbye.
He felt it, I knew, because he took more, pushed more, nipping at my swollen lips, his hands rough on my body, fighting to keep it for his own. He picked me up and carried me to his bedroom where he laid me in bed, our lips never parting. Regret for the selfishness of wanting him twisted around the comfort of his touch as he dragged his fingers down my chest and to the hem of my shirt as mine did the same. His hands were rough as he pulled it up, and I arched so he could tug it off. He reached behind him, grabbing a handful of his shirt to yank it off and toss it.
His brow was low, casting shadows across his face as he sat back and undressed me, pulled off my boots, then pants, then panties in a hot flurry until I was naked before him. His hand trailed down my stomach and to my pussy, his thumb finding my clit to rub it slow. He slid it down my slit, wetting my lips on his way back up to rub the bundle of nerves again as he dropped the hem of his sweatpants. His cock sprang free, and his fist closed around his shaft as he dragged it up and down to the rhythm of his thumb against my clit.
He leaned forward after a moment, laying his shaft against my pussy, and I angled my hips, cradling him as he flexed his hips against me, using his free hand to pull out his wallet. He ripped the condom open with his teeth and backed his hips away, reaching between his legs as he grabbed my wrists with his other hand. He looked down at me, looked into my eyes. I could see myself reflected in his, the person I wanted to be. But that wasn’t who I was.
“You’re mine,” he whispered as he drove into me.
I gasped, eyes pinching shut as my neck arched, arms pinned over my head. I couldn’t move, and I didn’t want to.
“Mine.” His voice trembled as he slammed into me again.
There were no more words, only the rhythm of our bodies, fast and hard as he claimed me and gave himself to me with each motion, every kiss, pushing me closer until I came, calling for him, and he followed as I’d asked.
Our bodies slowed, and he let go of my hands to hold my face, his forearms next to my shoulders and fingers in my hair. We watched each other as our hearts quieted, and I traced every line of his face, every curve and shadow, the emotion, the need mirroring my own.
“Don’t go,” he said and kissed the corner of my lips. “Don’t run.”
“I have to,” I whispered.
He looked down at me, and even though his words were matter-of-fact, I could see the heartache in his eyes. “No, you don’t. You’re choosing to.”
“You don’t understand.”
His jaw was set, but his thumbs shifted against my cheeks. “Enlighten me.”
“You shouldn’t want me.”
“But I do. You’re not like anyone I’ve ever met, not in my whole life. We’re equals. We’re matched. I can keep up with you, and you can keep up with me. You understand me. I can see it when you look at me. I can feel it, right here.” He touched my heart.
I turned my head, and my eyes found the city outside his window.
But Van didn’t look away. “You can’t throw anything at me that I can’t handle, Cory.”
The determination in his voice, his trust in me, it was all too much. I needed out. I shifted so he’d move to let me up, though he didn’t for a long moment.
“Please, let me go.”
His jaw clenched, and pain flashed behind his eyes as he sat. I rolled off the bed and reached for my clothes. When I glanced back at him over my shoulder, his lips were flat and his brow was low.
“I’m here when you change your mind. I know you’re scared, but I’m not going to hurt you.”
I shook my head and buttoned my jeans. “I wish it were that simple.” I reached for my shirt.
“How can I fix this if you won’t talk to me?”
“There’s nothing to fix.” I yanked on my shirt and turned to him. There was only one way to end it. I should have known he wouldn’t let me go. It was a mistake to sleep with him. A selfish mistake. My voice was hard and empty when I spoke. “You said we were made of the same metal, but we’re not. You’re gold, and I’m brass. Just let me go. There’s nothing lost here, Van. You and I are nothing.”
His face drew tighter, and a flush crept up his neck and cheeks. “Bullshit, Cory. You can’t tell me that didn’t mean anything. You can’t tell me you don’t feel this.”
I shook my head and lied. “I don’t feel this. I don’t want this.”
His wide chest rose as he sucked in a breath. “You’ll come back to me. This isn’t something you can just walk away from.”
“Don’t hold your breath, Van.”
His words were biting and sharp. “Don’t tell me what to do or what to feel. Tell me why you’re running.”
“Because I have to.” I spun around and took off, grabbing my pack and boots on the way out of his apartment for almost the last time. The next time I came back would be to steal from him.
I leaned against the elevator wall and pulled on my boots. When I rested my head against the cold metal and closed my eyes, guilt and shame slipped over me, into me.
We were over, and I would never be the same again.
I BLEW OUT OF the building and to the sidewalk, ducking into an alley to climb. The need to be alone
was overwhelming. I wanted as much distance as possible between me and anyone else. The higher I climbed, the calmer I was, and found myself staring out over the city, covered in a blanket of fog. Buildings swam in and out of the mist, shrouded and gray.
It was over. I didn’t know if Van would let it go, but I’d hit the detonator.
There was no comfort in the fact. I still had to face Jade. I still had to break into Van’s apartment. I still had to mend my heart after the sick game I’d gambled it on and lost. At least I’d checked one dirty deed off my list.
I had no fight left.
But then I realized I didn’t have to fight. Fighting it was futile. All that was left to do was go through the motions. To do what Jade wanted and hope to God that someday I could find a way to be more than this. Find a way to be happy after the taste had been washed away.
I couldn’t change it — I could only accept it. I held onto the thought. It was all I had.
After a long while, I picked myself up and made my way home, feeling calmer than I had since everything fell apart, though I was unprepared to find Jade sitting at the table when I walked in the door.
I stopped dead in the doorway. Her face was tight with a smug smile across her lips, icy eyes narrow as she stared me down. Neither of us said a word. I was the first to move. I closed the door behind me with my eyes glued to hers while I tossed my keys on the table and pulled off my bag. Tension snapped between us. Now that I knew what I was dealing with, she wouldn’t get a leg up on me again.
People don’t change. They’re only revealed, I thought as we eyed each other in silence.
She watched me like a jackal from the chair with that shitty smile on her face, waiting.
I broke the stillness, ready to check off another task and get the fuck out of there. “This job is about you and me, not the girls. I don’t want to drag them into it, and they don’t want to be a part of it.”
Jade shrugged. “More cash for us.” She folded her arms across her chest.
“More cash for you. I’ll tell you how to get in and out, but I’m not going with you.”
She laughed, the sound joyless. “Fuck you. You’re coming with me.”
Anger flared, but I held onto control. “I’ll give you what you want. Why make me do this? You don’t need me to hack in, you can get one of your ‘connections’ to do it. So why? Just to make me miserable?”
“I can’t say that’s not a motivator, but no. I don’t trust you, Cory, so you’re coming with me. If you set me up, you go down too. You won’t touch the painting, and you won’t go without me.”
The answer was no surprise. I’d known what she’d say before I asked. I took a breath and let it out slow. “Then that’s that.”
She crossed her legs as her horrible smile stretched wider. “You’re awfully accommodating today. How’s your head?” she asked, half laughing.
“Great. Feeling like a million bucks,” I deadpanned.
“Or fifteen.” Jade was amused, shaking her head. “God, you are such a fucking sucker. I can’t believe you thought you’d actually put me on the ground.”
“My mistake. I forgot you weren’t human for a second there.”
Her eyes narrowed again, and she assessed me. “So you’re really not going to put up a fight?”
“Would it do me any good?”
“Not this time.”
“Didn’t think so.” I laid my palms on the table, hearing the hardness in my voice as I leaned toward her. “But I’ll tell you this, Jade. You lay another finger on me, and I’ll break it. Touch my sister, and I will fucking kill you.”
She leaned forward, not afraid at all, which was her mistake. She should have been terrified. “Don’t fuck up and I won’t have a reason to.”
I contemplated hitting her. It would feel so good to hurt her, to take all of my pain and give it back to her. But it wouldn’t change anything. There was no reasoning with someone who existed at that level of crazy.
That, and I didn’t know if I could stop myself once I got the best of her.
She didn’t wait for a response from me. “When are we going for it? I need to coordinate with Sammy and Trevor for the drop.”
“Who are these guys?”
“Just a couple of fences that have contacts with master fences. They said they can sell the piece, but I need to set up the drop. So when’s it going to be?”
There was only one time I knew he wouldn’t be home. “He’s got a show day after tomorrow, at night.” One I was supposed to go to. But I’d never see him again.
“That’s it, then. How do we get in?”
“You’ll need to pick the lock on his door. I’ve got the rest.” My stomach churned at the thought of breaking in, and I swallowed hard.
“Good. We’ll figure out the details tomorrow with Jace.”
“Have you told them who I am?”
“Why does it matter?”
“Because I don’t want to get involved with these fences. That’s my other condition. I’ve stayed out of that part of the job for this long, and I’m not about to start now. Not with this job.”
She rolled her eyes. “Fine.”
I nodded and turned for my bedroom.
“Glad you came around,” she called after me. “Smartest thing you ever did.”
I sat on my bed among stacks of laundry late that afternoon, doing my best to be productive. I’d washed five loads, not even realizing I had that many clothes or that it had been so long since I’d done laundry. One of the best things about living in the industrial space was that we had our own washer and dryer, which in New York was practically mythological.
My phone buzzed in my pocket again. I hadn’t looked the last three times it had gone off, afraid it was him. I pulled it out of my pocket, intending to put it on my nightstand, but when I saw his messages on my lock screen, I couldn’t help myself.
3:24: Please, talk to me. I’m not ready to walk away from you, Cory.
4:43: Come to my show tomorrow night. I just want to talk about this.
6:17: This is making me crazy. Just answer me, even if you just say no.
My nose burned as I took a breath, staring at his words. I shouldn’t have looked. All I wanted was to say yes.
I typed two letters and hit send.
No.
I tossed my phone onto my pillows and climbed off my bed, walked out of my room and into Erin’s, fighting down my hurt and anger. She was in her bed reading a book, which she lowered when she saw me. I crawled in next to her and stretched out, folding a pillow to tuck it under my head.
“How’s laundry going?” she joked.
“Shitty.” I pulled another pillow into my aching chest.
“Want to talk about it?”
“I don’t even know what to say.”
Erin set her book aside and slid down on the bed, mirroring my position, even down to the pillows. She watched me across the space between us with bright eyes and a worried brow.
I didn’t even know what I wanted from her. To not be alone. To tell her how I felt. I thought of Van, knowing he didn’t understand, that he was probably confused, that I’d hurt him. Resentment stirred in my chest like hot embers. “I hate this.”
“I know.”
“I hate Jade, and I hate myself for putting Jill in danger. I hate that I hurt Van, and I hate that I want him.”
“Since when are you not allowed to want someone? You never take anything for yourself.”
My frown sagged even deeper. “That’s not true.”
“Yeah, it is. It’s absolutely true. You’re hard as fuck and even more stubborn, but you put yourself last. Don’t you dare berate yourself for wanting something just for you.”
“This has been fucked up from the start. I shouldn’t have ever agreed to this, not at any point. Why did he have to find me? Why did I have to cave when Jade pushed me at the beginning of this mess? I could have said no. Played it off. But instead, I jumped into this mess. Now he’s hurt. I’m hurt. I??
?ve ruined everyone’s lives, put my sister in danger. I’m poison.”
“It’s not like you want to do this, Cor. Jade is blackmailing you.”
I didn’t feel like that absolved me, but her confidence gave me an ounce of comfort.
She looked me over again. “You can still tell him the truth. It would cut Jade off at the knees if he knew she wanted to steal it. Or we could set her up so when she goes to steal it, she gets busted.”
“Except I have to be there, which means I get busted too.”
Erin shook her head. “There’s a way. I’m not giving up, and neither should you.”
“I don’t believe in magic.”
Morgan shouted from the other room, and we jumped, rolling off the bed in a rush. The second the door was open, we heard the fight, exchanging a fast glance before hurrying into the kitchen.
Jade and Morgan leaned on opposite ends of the table, glaring at each other.
Morgan snarled. “Don’t sit here and act like everything’s fine because it’s one hundred percent not fine. I’m not going to pretend like it is just so you’ll shut the fuck up.”
“Nobody gives a fuck what you think, Morgan.” Jade leaned a little farther, and her blond hair slipped over her shoulder.
“Nobody, meaning you?” Morgan dared her. “Do you really think I care, you fucking tyrant? I’m not your bitch, and I don’t have to do a single thing you say.”
“You do if you want to get paid.”
Morgan laughed, the sound bitter. “Don’t you get it? It’s over. You’ve gone too far, Jade. Consider yourself lucky that we put up with you for this long.”
“Don’t push me, Morgan,” Jade said through her teeth.
Morgan knew exactly what she was doing. Erin shifted like she was going to intervene, but I touched her arm with the shake of my head. Morgan would never move on until she’d said what she needed to say.
“Don’t threaten me, Jade. I won’t roll over for you. And if you touch Jill, I will gut you.”
“Then make sure Cory doesn’t fuck around.”
“God.” Morgan rolled her eyes. “Fuck you. I’m not her fucking mother, and neither are you. You’ve lowered yourself to blackmail and the potential murder of people you used to care about. Who the fuck are you?”