“Are you taking Jade?”
I raised an eyebrow. “Do you really think she’ll let me go alone?”
“Probably not.” Erin bit her lip. “She doesn’t need you to be there as long as you get her the information. Could you just tell her what she needs to know to do the job herself?”
Erin wasn’t going to let it go, so I conceded, certain it was futile. “I can try.”
“What are you going to do about Van?”
My stomach twisted so tight at the sound of his name, I almost doubled over. “I have to end it. It’s the only way. He can’t know the truth about the painting, and I won’t steal from him and then lie about it.” The empty space of my apathy filled with sorrow as I realized the truth of my situation, realizing what I would actually have to do. I pictured myself ending it with Van, saw myself taking that painting off his wall and giving it to a bunch of thugs for money. Emotion rolled through me.
“Maybe Van could help you, if you’d just tell him. Maybe we could frame Jade.”
I shook my head, trying to push the hurt away. “He’s too straight for that, too good.”
“You can’t assume you know anything about what he would or wouldn’t do. Isn’t telling him better than not saying anything?”
I shook my head. “I wouldn’t expect him to be on board with something like this, especially after finding out I was planning on stealing from him. Why would he give me a second chance? Because if it were me, I would think, ‘Wow, that chick turned out to be a crazy bitch.’ And then I’d call the cops and walk away.”
“What if he doesn’t want to walk away?”
I huffed and pushed my plate away. “Don’t be stupid, Erin.”
“You’re not even giving him a choice,” she pressed. “You’re making the choice for him because you’re scared, and that’s not fair to either of you.”
“I just don’t believe that there’s any reality that exists where he would take a chance on me after all of this.” The words were the honest truth, but they left my dry, tight lips with pain in their wake.
She shook her head. “And I don’t believe that’s the real reason. You’re afraid he’ll reject you, and this is easier than facing that. You’d rather end it with him thinking you’re just a bitch instead of finding out you’re a thief.”
I sucked in a breath as the truth seared through me.
Erin softened her voice at my reaction, though not enough to be considered cajoling. “Maybe he won’t handle it like you’re afraid he will. Isn’t it worth the risk?”
I crossed my arms and breathed deep, burying the sting of her words. “You don’t know him, Erin.”
“Neither do you,” she shot back.
My cheeks were hot, my voice edging frantic as I stood and pressed my palms to the table. “That’s my point. Just stop. Stop it. I don’t want to talk about it, okay? It’s not a big deal, and it’s over.”
She huffed, shaking her head at me. “You’re a goddamn liar, Cory.”
“Well, what the fuck else am I supposed to do?” I stared her down through a curtain of tears. “Tell me! What?”
The silence hung over us.
“Exactly. So fucking drop it.” The words wavered.
Pity radiated off of the three of them, and I pushed away from the table, not wanting it.
I’d taken two steps when the metal warehouse door opened with a scrape, and I looked back to find Jade standing in the threshold. Fire blew through me at the sight of her, and I felt my losses, felt her power over me. All I wanted was to take that power back.
And that was when all hell broke loose.
I charged her, the room loud as everyone scrambled in the chaos. I had almost reached her when Erin grabbed me around the waist.
I roared, straining against her arms.
No one held Morgan back. She bared her teeth and arched over Jade, grabbed her by the shirt and twisted a handful. Jade slammed her in the shoulders, but Morgan barely budged. The only real movement was her fist as it pulled back and released like a spring. Jade’s head snapped back, and she screamed, clutching her nose as Cher squeezed her way between them. Everyone was shouting as Cher somehow wrangled Morgan away, and Erin whispered in my ear to calm down, to let her go. That it wasn’t the time. My pounding head agreed, but the rest of me wasn’t hearing it.
Erin screamed over her shoulder, “Get the fuck out of here, Jade. Now.”
I struggled against Erin. “I will fucking kill you, you bitch. Let me go, Erin. LET ME GO.”
But Jade only stood there, staring me down. She wiped the blood from her red nose with a fucked up smile on her face before she walked out of the loft.
Erin loosened her grip, and I shook her off, spun around, and flew to my room.
My trembling hands closed the door to my room before slipping into bed. The thundering in my head was loud enough that it was all I could hear, and my entire body pulsed to the beat of my heart. I squeezed my eyes shut as sweat beaded on my forehead, and I sucked in a deep breath through my nose.
My equilibrium was fucked, but at least my body would heal.
The components of my life had been stacked into a rickety tower of bad decisions that had hit the tipping point. Everything was falling in slow motion, and it was only a matter of time before it hit the ground. I couldn’t fathom how I was going to get through, and as I lay in my cold, quiet room, trying not to vomit, the clock ticked down the seconds to the time when it was over. I just wished I knew when that would be.
Jade. Rage flowed at the thought of her name.
A quick knocked popped, and Erin opened the door, looking wired.
I said nothing.
She closed the door and sat next to me. I stared at the pipes.
“What can I get you?”
“Jade.”
“We will. But let’s start with making sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. None of us are. I hope to God she doesn’t come back until we’ve all had time to cool down. The last thing you need is to get in another fight.”
“I don’t know what else to say, Erin. I don’t know what else I can do.”
She rubbed her face. “There has to be some way out of this.” Her statement was earnest, and as much as I wanted it to be true, it just wasn’t.
“Yeah, well when you figure it out, let me know.”
We sat in silence for a moment, and she shifted to lie down next to me.
“What are we going to do when she comes back?” I asked. “Because I know what I want to do. And now I’m supposed to do this job with her? I’m going to fucking kill her. There’s no way I can get through this.”
“No, not right now. Hopefully she stays gone so we can figure out what to do.”
“There’s nothing to figure out. We’ve just got to calm down. All of us.”
Erin snorted. “Good luck explaining that to Morgan. I’m sure she’s sharpening her shiv as we speak.”
“Maybe we should find somewhere else to stay until this is over. Just leave Jade here. I don’t want you all involved in this.”
“Too late. Jade already dragged us into it. I blame her for everything.”
I cracked a tiny smile at the exaggeration. “Everything?”
“Everything. The leaky faucet in the bathroom. Starving children in Africa. As far as I’m concerned, she’s the embodiment of everything that’s wrong in the world.”
“She’s lost her fucking mind, but if I hadn’t met Van, none of this would have happened.”
“Don’t say that.”
I turned to face her, staring at her collarbone, or trying to. My eyes kept slipping out of focus. “It would have been easier for everyone if I hadn’t. But I did, and now we’re all paying for it. It’s like I stepped on a land mine and now the entire brigade is punched full of shrapnel. All that’s left of me is dust.”
She looked me over. “We’re all going to be okay, including you.” She touched my chin, urging me to look a
t her. “This isn’t your fault. It’s her fault. Maybe partly my fault.”
“Your fault?”
“If I hadn’t mentioned the painting, Jade would have never known.”
I shook my head. “The second she figured out he was rich, she would have tried to exploit it.” I took a deep breath. “I have to forget about Van and do this job. We’re from different worlds. It never would have worked out.”
“Cory—”
“No, really. It’s better to end it now.”
Erin sighed. “When are you going to see him?”
I still wouldn’t meet her eyes. “As soon as possible.”
“Has he texted you?”
The knot in my stomach tightened. “I don’t even know where my phone is.”
Her brow furrowed as she got up. “I think it’s in the kitchen. Let me grab it.”
Erin left and returned a few seconds later with my phone in her hand. She passed it over.
A text waited on my lock screen from Van, and I opened my messages to read the entire thing.
If you’re thinking of me a fraction of the time I’m thinking about you, I’ll be a happy man. When can I see you again?
My eyes stung, and I bit down hard on my lip as I texted him back.
What’s your day like tomorrow?
“Fuck all of this, Erin,” I said as I waited for his response.
Her eyes were sad. My phone buzzed.
Wide open, now that you asked. Want to meet at my place around 10?
Sure. See you then.
I tossed my phone like it was on fire. It buzzed again, but I couldn’t even look.
I traced the pipes with my eyes like I had a million times, as if there were answers tangled up somewhere in them. “I can’t do this, and I can’t not do this.”
Her eyes were on me, but I wouldn’t meet them. “If you’re determined that this is the only way—”
“I am.”
She sighed. “Well, then you only have to see him once more before you can move on.”
I rolled over to face her. “How did I get here? How did I get to this fucked up place?”
Erin pushed my hair back over my shoulder and tucked a lock behind my ear. “One foot in front of the other. Same way that you’ll get out of it.” Erin looked over me for a long moment. “I’m sorry, Cory.”
I tried to smile. “One foot in front of the other.”
She wrapped me in her arms, and I shifted, closing my eyes, wishing I could make it disappear.
THE FLORESCENT LIGHTS IN the loft’s bathroom buzzed over me the next morning as I leaned against the counter, staring at my reflection. The paleness of my skin against the black of my hair was shocking, and my eyes were bloodshot, even though I’d slept most of the day before. The lights seemed to suck the color out of everything. I looked as gray and tired as I felt.
I’d woken at some point in the middle of the night, having slept through the entire day. I lay in my quiet room in the small hours of the morning with my mind on the tangled mess of my life until the blue shades of night shifted to purples, through the oranges and yellows of dawn. But I found no answers in the cracks and piping over my bed. There were no answers to find.
I couldn’t fight back because I was scared of what would happen if I did. I couldn’t predict what Jade would do. She was a loose cannon full of rusty nails. And as strong as everyone thought I was, it was a lie. I was more afraid than any of them. And Van was just another person I would hurt along the way.
But there was no time to mourn. Today marked the first step toward betraying him.
He shouldn’t have mattered to me. I shouldn’t have cared. But I did. I told myself it was just infatuation, a glorified idea of who he was, a sick crush fueled by hormones that made it so hard to walk away from him. Maybe it was that I’d finally opened that forgotten window to my heart and let in an emotional avalanche. Maybe it was the fact that he was the closest thing to perfect that I’d ever known, or that he made me want to be more than I was.
Or maybe it was the realization that in another life, we might have had a chance to be together, a chance we wouldn’t have in this one.
I looked into my own eyes, the dullest version of green that they ever were. I was a washed-out version of myself, a copy of a copy. The person who I thought I was didn’t exist, and I didn’t recognize the person I found in the shadows.
I walked down the hall and out the door, flipping up my hood. The sleep had done my body well. I was at somewhere around eighty-five percent — no headache, no more nausea. Not from the concussion, at least.
As I spanned the blocks to The Kyle Building, I tried to prepare myself for the conversation, as I had been for hours. I didn’t know if he’d accept me walking away, wondered if I’d have to push him. I had to tell him something, but what? I could feed him a line, or I could tell him the truth. I imagined saying the words, pictured the betrayal in his eyes, in his voice. Instead, I would spare us both that pain.
By the time I walked up the sidewalk to his building, I just wanted it to be over and behind me.
George waited at the door, smiling wide. He tipped his hat as I approached him. “Hello, Miss James.”
“Hello. Thank you, George.” My smile was as thin as my nerve. I walked through the lobby and stepped into the cold, mirrored box as dread crawled around in my chest.
I found myself standing at his door, waiting. I didn’t know what for. A sign maybe. Something to change my mind or stop the momentum of what was happening. But nothing came, and nothing would.
I closed my eyes and knocked.
He greeted me with an easy smile and pulled me into his arms fast enough that he didn’t notice I wasn’t okay. I couldn’t even pull away. The comfort was too much to resist, and I closed my eyes.
His chest rumbled against my cheek when he spoke. “It’s only been one day since I’ve seen you, but it feels like a year.”
“I know.” God, how I knew.
Van leaned back and smiled down at me, so excited that he’d still overlooked my demeanor. I wanted to pretend for a second more, wanted to be the reason he was happy. But I was a fraud.
“I thought we could run today, if you’re up for it. I wanted to bring my camera and take some pictures of you.” His eyes were bright and open, and the crack in my heart split wider.
We need to talk. I willed my lips to speak the words. They didn’t move.
My brain tripped over the thought that if we ran, I could get the code for the roof access door. Pin locks were easy to hack. The wear on the buttons took out all the guesswork, though I’d still need to put together the sequence. It would save time if I knew.
It was that easy to convince myself. I could run with him. I could give him another few hours. Or at least I told myself that it was for him.
I tried to smile, but I knew it was weak. “Sure.”
That was the moment when he finally saw me. His face fell, the shift small enough that I knew he didn’t realize the gravity of what I was hiding. He cupped my cheek. “You okay?”
I laid my hand over his and tried harder to reassure him. “Yeah, just tired.”
“You sure you’re up for a run? We can go another day.”
And with that impossible statement, the vice around my heart screwed tighter. “I’m up for it.”
“Good.” His worry melted away and bliss took its place. “But first …”
His fingers touched my chin, lifting it as he brought his lips to mine in a way that healed and broke me all at once. I didn’t think I would ever have the chance to touch him again, and I memorized the moment, every point where our bodies touched, every kiss. His arms wrapped around my waist, and mine twisted around his neck as he stood straight, taking me with him, leaving my feet dangling off the ground.
I pulled away with my eyes welling. “Come on. Let’s go.”
Worry creased his face at the sight of me. “Cory—”
I stopped him with a kiss of my own, and with each breath, I
tried to tell him everything. My confession. How I felt about him. What I wished for and what I wanted. That I was sorry.
When I finally broke away, I hugged him tighter, pressing my cheek to his to hide my face. My lips were at his ear, and I said softly, “I’m fine. Take me running, Van.”
He set my feet on the ground and looked down at me, smoothing my hair as he thought about arguing. I could feel his questions, but instead of asking, he kissed my temple and trailed his hand down my arm, threading his fingers through mine before towing me to the door.
Van scooped up his camera on the way out, and we made our way out to the sound of our footfalls echoing in the hallway and stairwell. Neither of us spoke until we reached the roof when he smiled down at me.
“Where do you want to go?” I asked, watching him spin dials on his camera.
He took a couple of test shots and glanced at the digital face. “I just want you to run. I’ll be behind you, but try not to think about me.”
Not possible. “Try to keep up.” I jogged backwards until he smiled, then spun around and took off.
Everything was wrong and right, fucked up and perfect, all at the same time. I climbed and ran, ignoring the headache creeping in, wanting to forget everything. I wanted to run until I was lost, even to myself. My focus turned to my muscles, the rhythm of my feet as I ran, the pauses when I jumped or vaulted.
Before long, everything fell away until there was nothing outside of the city and my body. The two worked together to take me to that familiar place in my mind where I was whole.
I found myself on top of Logan Tower, the same place that Van stood and took the photos that ended up as an installment in his gallery. As I stood on the ledge looking over Manhattan with burning lungs, I wanted to close my eyes and fly into the sun, explode and disappear. The wind spun around me, lifting my hair, pulling and pushing, urging me to the edge. I looked down at the street far below, where people went on with their lives in the cabs and on crowded walkways, in the buildings all around me as I wished for another life.