“This is Mt. Hesperus?” I looked around me. This was one of the four sacred Navajo mountains. I’d never been here, but had heard it was close by.
“Yep.”
Our eyes met. I don’t think my heart had ever beaten so strongly before. I could actually feel the pulsing throughout my whole body. How could I not love this guy? He was too wonderful for words. “Thank you,” I whispered.
He grinned and wrapped his arm around me, tucking me in tighter against him, and then he looked up. “If you focus, you can see just a few more stars left in the sky.”
I nudged him with my elbow as I looked up, trying desperately not to become overwhelmed by his warmth or the faint smell of cologne. “You and your stargazing.”
“I miss seeing them with you. I should take you down to the planetarium at the college. They’ve got some new equipment I think you’d love.”
I could feel his warm, misty breath on my cold cheek. “Yes, I think you should.”
He sighed. “Lilly?”
My heart stopped as I kept my gaze focused on the fast-disappearing stars above me. “Yeah?”
“I’m sorry.”
I brought my gaze to his. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I should’ve never been so thoughtless, and I want you to know I’m genuinely sorry.”
“I was upset, yeah, but it wasn’t that big of a deal.”
He reached over and clutched my gloved hand with his. “I’ve been thinking about it for the past few days. I know how much you want to get away sometimes. I know you need to get away. I know how much your privacy means to you, or quiet moments like this when you experience something new. Your psyche craves these moments. And yet, for the most part, you’re surrounded by people who force you into situations you’re not comfortable with. They use guilt and anger and then treat you rudely when you try to protest, when you try to stand up for yourself.”
I swallowed. I felt like a ball had lodged itself in my throat.
“Lilly, you’re treated more like a servant in that house than you are like a daughter. And after you’re harassed to the point of losing your cool at a guy who’s done nothing but make you feel uncomfortable, you lose your only vehicle. An old truck. Then, in your kindness, knowing it was your only way of escape from a place where you’re not wanted, unless it’s to be treated like a fool, you let me share your horse with someone else. But you do it because you trust me. You do it because you know I care about you and would never hurt you. You do it because you know I’m the only one who sees the real you.”
A small, warm tear slowly made its way down my cheek.
“You are kind and caring and forgiving. And how do I repay you? Like everyone else in my family. I treat you like you don’t exist. Like your wants, needs, and wishes mean nothing compared to mine.”
He wiped away my tear. And then his wet thumb wiped at the other cheek. I had no idea another tear had fallen.
“Lilly Price, you don’t deserve that, ever. And I promise, I will never forget you again.”
“Sean, it’s okay. This life is so much better than the orphanage. Honestly, I’m just grateful to have a family. Even if they don’t see me as I’d like them to, it doesn’t lessen the fact that I have one. And I love them.”
He leaned over and kissed my forehead. A soft kiss. When he pulled back, the look in his eyes made me gasp.
Kiss me! Please, kiss me!
Sean glanced at my lips and then back at my eyes again. His dark gaze was so intense, I could hardly breathe. And then slowly, he moved toward me. Inch by inch, he came nearer and nearer until I could feel his warm breath sending tingles over my cool lips. I moved a fraction of a bit closer.
Just then, a ray of sunshine pierced us both and we turned toward it. Coming over the horizon was the most glorious sight I’d ever beheld.
Its shimmering bursts chased away the cold and warmed my face. I smiled and whispered, “It’s so beautiful.”
“Almost as beautiful as you.”
Startled, I looked over at Sean just in time for his lips to meet mine. And then I lost it. My world of perfectly held-together gumption and glue fell apart. More tears sprang to my eyes as I kissed him back. When he broke away, I don’t know what came over me, but I started crying. Hard.
It was the most wonderful moment of my life.
So perfect.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
I shook my head. I couldn’t explain it. I felt like I’d finally come home. Truly, truly come home.
“Are you okay?”
I nodded.
“Are you mad at me?”
I met his concerned gaze and leaned over and kissed him again. I swear I felt him melt. And then, when I pulled away, his face fell. Not in a good way. “What is it?”
“I forgot.” He rubbed a gloved hand over his face and then looked at me as if his world was gone.
My stomach dropped. “What? What did you forget?”
“Nothing. Come here.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and snuggled me tighter against him. “I don’t want to ruin this moment. I promise to tell you in a bit. Right now, can we pretend everything is back where it was a few minutes ago?”
My cheek rested against the crook of his shoulder and chest with his strong arm around me. It was simply heaven. The dazzling rays beamed about us like a halo. “Yes. Because it’s just as it should be right now.”
He took a deep breath and held it.
I unconsciously held mine until he slowly released his, and then I felt the relief of my lungs filling with air again. I couldn’t imagine what he was about to say, but for the first time in my life, I honestly didn’t want to damage anything with my own worries. It was too good. And I needed to be here in his arms, surrounded by splendor on our sacred mountain, more than anything right then.
“Thank you,” I said again.
He responded by repeating the Dine, or Navajo, prayer, “In Beauty May I Walk.” His deep voice quietly encompassed the stillness of nature around us as the morning sun welcomed that cool Saturday October morning. He whispered it first in English and then in Navajo. I don’t think I could’ve ever loved him more after that.
“In beauty may I walk;
All day long may I walk;
Through the returning seasons may I walk.
“Beautifully will I possess again
Beautifully birds
Beautifully butterflies...
“On the trail marked with pollen may I walk;
With grasshoppers about my feet may I walk;
With dew around my feet may I walk.
“With beauty before me may I walk
With beauty behind me may I walk
With beauty above me may I walk
With beauty all around me, may I walk.
“In old age, wandering on a trail of beauty, lively;
In old age, wandering on a trail of beauty, living again...
It is finished in beauty.
It is finished in beauty.”
Chapter Twelve: The Hammer Falls
It wasn’t until after we’d loaded the truck to head home that Sean pulled me aside and broke my heart. At least he’d given me a couple of blissful hours before the hammer fell.
“Lilly, I don’t know what’s going on here. I really don’t. I don’t understand this pull between us, but I know it frightens me. This is one of those things that would creep normal people out. And for some reason, I’m not creeped out, and I don’t understand why. And that frightens me too.”
“What are you saying?” I knew it—he didn’t have to tell me. He was freaked out because I was like his sister. Okay, I was his foster sister. But I wanted to hear him say it.
“It’s not going to work. I know it won’t. It may seem fine right now, but it won’t.”
Bull. I scuffed my foot in the dirt and then looked right at him. “Sean Benally, do you love me?”
He removed the beanie and ran his hands through his hair. Turning, he rested his back
against the tailgate of the truck. “See, that’s the thing. I always have. So it would make sense this is happening now.” He pointed to me and then him.
I still played dumb. “What is this? What are you trying to say, Sean?”
“Ugh. Lilly, dang it. You know what I’m trying to say. You know how I feel about you. How many times I’ve wanted to kiss you and then finally did. You know it! And you also know that as far as anyone else is concerned, we’re practically brother and sister.”
“We’re not related.”
“I know! But it’s just . . . it’s . . .”
“What?”
He glanced at me and then away, not quite meeting my eyes—the coward. “I want you happy. I want you happier than anyone else in this world. But I’m not sure it’ll be with me. With us, like this.”
I nodded. Fair enough. I inhaled sharply and then said, “You’re probably right. We shouldn’t see each other.”
Sean’s jaw dropped.
“I’m serious. I’ll try to open up my heart to include someone else in it and move past this awkwardness. And you . . . you already have a girl waiting in your pocket, so . . . so there you go.” I turned around and allowed my gaze to take in the pretty mountain scenery. Evergreens, beautiful aspens, fall leaves scattered upon the ground.
“Okay, then,” he said after a few moments. “I guess that’s settled.”
“Yep.” I cleared my throat. “So, are we ready to head home now?”
“Yeah.”
When I turned to get into the truck, he was right behind me. We stared at each other for what seemed like eons. Curse his empathic heart, he didn’t want to hurt me. I rubbed my lips together and willed myself not to cry. Not now. Wait until I got home. He was my best friend. He was the dearest and annoyingest and sweetest guy I’d ever known. And now that I knew what he wasn’t willing to feel, how would I ever cope again? What would I do without him?
“Everything will be the same, I promise. We’ll go right back to being the same frenemies we always were.”
I chuckled. He was such a dork sometimes.
He grinned and then grew serious again.
In the next second, his mouth was on mine and I wasn’t sure who kissed who—I just knew we were kissing and everything was right again. Everything was horribly wrong. Nothing would ever be the same again. We would never be a true couple. And we both knew it.
***
On Monday, Harrison cornered me outside the cafeteria. I had fifteen minutes before my next hour and I wanted to hang out in the library for a few and catch up on some homework. But Harrison had other plans.
“Are you going to audition for the play the Farmington Community Center is doing?”
I had no idea what he was talking about. Besides, I think I would rather die than get up on stage and act. “Um, no.”
“Come on, you have to. Alexis and Lauren have already tried out for it and they’re making me do it after school. Tonight’s the last night for auditions.”
Ah . . . So that was what they’d been gabbing about the last few days. I shrugged and started to walk past him. “No, acting isn’t my thing. Besides, isn’t it a musical?”
He caught up with me. “Yeah, The Music Man. So?”
“So?”
“So, why won’t you? I think it’ll give us some time to really get to know each other.”
I stopped and looked at him. “Are you out of your mind? You want me to audition for some part I’m not even going to get in the hopes that you can use this time to flirt with me, because flirting with my two sisters isn’t enough?”
“Good grief, Lilly. Are we back to that again?” He looked around and then walked to the outside door leading to the library. He opened it and ushered me in. “Haven’t I made it obvious what I feel for you?”
I sighed. “Yes, you have.”
“And doesn’t that make you think—I mean, somewhere deep down—that perhaps this is how I really feel about you?”
I began to head down the empty hall toward the library. “Harrison, it’s so much more complicated than that, and you know it.”
“What’s the complication? I like you. Newsflash—I do. You won. Okay, I really, really, really like you. In fact, I’m bordering on insane now. Don’t you want to put me out of my misery?”
I rolled my eyes. “Harrison Bob Crawford.”
“It’s Levi.”
“What is?”
“My middle name. It’s Levi.”
“Oh. Fine. Harrison Levi Crawford, you only like me because I’m the only girl who isn’t falling at your feet. That’s it. That’s the only reason.”
“Is it?” He stepped in front of me.
I stopped, and then moved a few paces away until my back hit the wall.
He leaned in, placing a hand on the wall above each of my shoulders. “You mean this has nothing to do with it either?”
I decided to play dumb. “What are you talking about?”
“This. If I touched your heart right now, it’d be racing so fast, I doubt I could get a pulse.”
Dang it. He was right. “If you touched my heart right now, I’d flip you over my head.”
“Why do you resist it?”
My eyes met his. Why did I resist it?
He didn’t say a word—just stared at me for several moments. This really was upsetting him. I could see he truly believed what he was saying. It’s just . . . it’s just . . . I couldn’t trust him.
That was it.
Trust.
Everything about him made me want to run. Whereas, everything about Sean made me want to step into his arms. I simply didn’t trust Harrison Crawford. “You wouldn’t know what to do with me once you got me, so really, this isn’t an issue.”
“Oh, I would know exactly what to do with you.” He grinned and moved closer.
I shoved him off me and stepped away. “See? That is the exact reason why you and I will never get along. Now go find one of my sisters.”
“It was this side of Friday night when you were kissing me. What’s the deal today?”
“Okay. I admit it. I’m attracted to you, slightly, but—”
“See? I knew you were!”
“But it doesn’t mean that I trust you. Or that I believe you and I are meant to be together. Or that I’d even want to hang out with you.”
He held up a hand. “Whoa, wait. Slow down. What do you mean, you can’t trust me? Do you honestly not believe I’m genuine?”
“Why do you like me, Harrison?”
“For a hundred reasons, reasons that are constantly growing, too, I might add. For instance, there’s—”
“No. I don’t want you to answer me. Not really. I just don’t think we get along.”
He threw his hands in the air and shook his head. “I’ve lost my mind. Are you happy now? You asked me earlier, and I didn’t answer you—well, now you’ve got your answer. Yes. Yes, Lilly Price, I’ve completely lost my mind. Why else would I be standing here in this hallway, with a half-eaten lunch waiting for me in the cafeteria, if I wasn’t out of my mind?”
“Precisely why this whole conversation is useless and silly.”
“Precisely why I feel like I’ve aged five years in the past few weeks.”
“Seriously?” I wanted to laugh, but it was so pathetic that I couldn’t. I just didn’t trust him. There was something about this guy and his all-at-once attraction to me. Something about the way he treated life and everyone in it as if we were all a big game. I needed stability. I needed reality. I needed someone strong, someone who truly cared about me. Not Harrison.
He ran a hand through his hair. “Look, just think about auditioning, okay? I could really use a friend right now.” He gave me a look. “I know what you’re thinking, but you’ve made it clear how you feel. I’ll take my chances as your friend.” He put his hands in his pockets. “So, will you?”
I groaned. “No. No way.”
“Please?”
“Ugh. Friends don’t force their frien
ds into doing stuff they’re not comfortable doing. True friends allow their friends to do whatever they choose. And respect that choice.”
He laughed. “What planet are you from? All the girls I know force each other to do all sorts of weird things when they don’t want to. Even go to the restroom together.”
I smiled and opened the library door. “Yeah, well, I prefer to live on my own terms. And getting up in front of the whole city of Farmington to make a fool out of myself isn’t one of them. You’ll have to live with our friendship being a bit more stable than that.”
He looked at me a moment. I was on the threshold, with the door open, about to go in. Then he looked down at his shoes. “Okay.” He shrugged. “No worries. I thought it would be something you’d be interested in. My bad.” He glanced back at me. “Have a good day.” With that, he strolled down the hall.
My stomach clenched.
Why did I feel like such a jerk?
Chapter Thirteen: Farmington Drama
I was still feeling a bit guilty about not auditioning four days later when Sean surprised me while I was doing the dishes.
“So I wanted to talk to you for a minute. Do you have some time?” he asked as he leaned against the kitchen counter.
I smiled and handed him a dishtowel. “Start drying.”
He chuckled and set to work drying the larger pans that wouldn’t fit in the dishwasher.
“What’s up?” I asked, my curiosity getting the better of me. Sean rarely treated me so formally, so I knew it was probably something more serious. I just hoped it wasn’t a repeat of Saturday.
He took a deep breath. “Sorry, just trying to sort out how best to ask you.”
A little fissure of warning went through me. “Ask me about what?”
He put the largest pot in the cupboard and then glanced over. “So you know that play Alexis and Lauren are doing?”