My hands stilled in the soapy water. “Yeah, what of it?”
“Well, I sort of auditioned too.”
“What?” My eyes met his. I might complain about acting, but Sean absolutely abhors it. It’s seriously one of the things he’s most terrified of—anything that has to do with getting on stage and being in front of an audience. “Are you kidding?”
“Ha. I wish.”
I picked up a washcloth and began cleaning a glass lid. “Well, did you make it into the cast?”
He nodded. “Yeah, actually I did. I’m—uh, I’m Harold Hill.”
I dropped the lid. It clattered atrociously in the empty side of the sink, but thankfully it didn’t break. “Wait. You’re Harold Hill? As in, the main guy? The actual music man?”
He chuckled. “Yeah, I know. What were they thinking, right?”
“Sean!” I turned around and hugged him with all my sloshy dish-soap mess. “I’m so happy for you! Holy cow. You must’ve rocked those auditions!” And then I began to chatter. “I mean, I always knew you could sing, but I didn’t ever really think that you’d be brave enough to—wow. How amazing, really. I’m just stunned.”
“I can tell—you’re totally speechless.” He grinned.
“Hey! Watch it.” I flicked a bit of water at him.
“So, yeah. That’s my new life for the next eight weeks, I guess. All my free time will be wrapped up in this musical.”
“So, what convinced you to audition? I never would’ve seen this coming.”
“It’s more like who convinced me, not what. And, uh, it was Julia Crawford, of course.”
“Ah, yes. That makes sense.” My heart dropped a little, but I was able to hide it pretty easily. “So you’ll be in the play with her, eh? What part did she get?”
He laughed. “Guess.”
I didn’t have to. I already knew. The leading lady. “Marian the librarian.”
“Yeah! Can you believe it? I was freaked out and excited, too. I mean, since my character is going to have to kiss the librarian, I’m just happy it’s someone I know.”
Was it wrong to kick myself for not auditioning? I picked up the lid and rinsed it off. “That’s cool. Yeah, I could see how that’d make anyone uncomfortable.” Ugh. This conversation was making me uncomfortable. I just wanted to leave. Go anywhere. “When do rehearsals start?”
He took the lid and began to dry it. “Actually, that’s why I came in to talk to you. We’re not sure.”
“Okay . . .” I picked up a smaller saucepan and began to wash it.
“Mainly because they still don’t have enough people in the play.”
I scrubbed harder and closed my eyes. “And what does that have to do with me?”
“I was wondering if you’d consider—I mean, just consider auditioning for a part in the chorus.”
Of course. Because it wouldn’t be torture enough to be on stage doing something I completely dreaded while watching Harrison be a dork—now I needed a front-row seat to watch Sean fall in love with another girl. I winced. Why did he think this would be something I’d like to do?
When I didn’t respond, he said, “Look, I know acting isn’t your most favorite thing—”
I gave him a look.
He chuckled nervously. “Okay, you hate it. But I’m really trying here. And I think it’d be good for both of us. You know, to get out of our comfort zones and attempt new things and just support the community.”
“You are so lame. You know that, right? Support the community. Really?” I turned around and folded my arms. “Just be straight with me.”
He reached around me and grabbed the saucepan, and then began to dry it. “Fine.” Without meeting my eyes, he said, “I need to see if there’s something between Julia and me, something that will help me forget about . . . about other people.” He glanced at me and then back at the pot. “And everyone says how you get close to people when you do plays with them, so when she asked me to audition, I thought it’d be a good idea.”
“And now that there’s not enough people, they may cancel the show?”
He shrugged and put the pan away. “Yeah.”
“So you need me to do this to help you fall in love with someone else.” Was he really this big of a jerk? Really?
When his eyes met mine, they were haunted. “No, I need a friend right now. I’m trying desperately to deal with this and I don’t think I’m doing a very good job. And I would feel a hundred times better up on that stage if you were there with me.”
“Oh, you’re evil.”
He stepped forward and took my hand. “No, I’m serious. I know this is hard. I know this is hard for everyone, but could you consider helping me? Just think about it.”
I pulled my hand away and rubbed my face.
“Please?” he said.
“If I were stupid enough to do this, what would it take away from me besides my dignity?”
“Nothing. You could ride with me to rehearsals and I’ll help you memorize any lines you have and I promise, this will be the easiest thing for you. You won’t even realize you’ve added something new to your schedule.”
Liar.
“Will you at least think about it? Just think. You don’t have to decide until tomorrow, because they’re doing one last audition then, but would you consider it?”
“What about Alexis and Lauren?”
“I think they’ll be driving to practice with Harrison.”
“No, I mean, do you think they’d be okay with me auditioning for the play?”
He laughed. “If it meant they could perform, yes. You better believe it. They were already trying to decide how best to convince you to do it when I said I’d come in and talk to you privately.”
“Oh.” I felt like two inches small.
He hugged me and then sighed. “I swear, if you do this for me—er, us—you’ll be the best ever. I mean, you’re already the best, but you’ll be even better.”
Dork. I attempted to smile. “Thanks.”
“Thank you, Lilly. I know it may not seem like it, but I do know how hard this is for you. And I’m grateful you’re even willing to think about it. You’re wonderful.”
“Yeah.” I pushed away from him and busied myself by adding soap to the dishwasher and starting it. “I’ll let you know tonight what I decide.”
He put the towel on the counter. “Great.”
This was all just too awkward for me. “Well, I’ve got some homework and then I’m gonna ride Princess Buttercup for a bit. So I’ll see ya.”
“Hey, do you want company on that ride?” He looked eager.
“Um, no. I need some time to think. But maybe tomorrow.”
Sean’s face dropped. In all the years I’d lived here, I’d never turned him down when he asked to join me. My heart hurt so much, I didn’t think I could face him right then. No matter how upset he became. I needed time alone. A lot of time.
***
As I rode with Princess Buttercup out in Mansfield Ranch’s south pasture, I allowed my pride to wash away. How much of this hurt was because I’d been rejected by Sean and was now jealous? And how much of this was because I was actually terrified to get on stage?
When Harrison asked me to audition, it was easy to tell him no. I knew he would survive just fine on his own. And even though I’m positive Sean would survive on his own too, I’d miss him. I already missed him. Being on this ride, knowing he would’ve come if I’d let him, made me miss him more. What was wrong with me, anyway? Why couldn’t I be happy for him? He got the lead in the musical, for crying out loud. Who does that?
I sighed and pulled in on the reins. Sean was pretty much amazing. He just was. Not only was he talented, but he was also nice and courteous and attentive. I’m sure he’d make the perfect boyfriend. Heaven knew he made an above-perfect brother. I frowned.
My heart was breaking in two. Until now, I didn’t realize how hard it would be to know I couldn’t have him. To know he was purposely attempting to fall for som
eone else. Someone beautiful and kind and wonderful, like him.
I climbed down from the horse and walked over to a nearby tree, allowing Princess Buttercup to chew on the bits of green grass still poking up from the chilly ground. Sitting down, I hugged my knees and rested my head on my arms. This was seriously too dramatic for me. Life wasn’t supposed to be this hard, was it?
If I auditioned for this musical, I’d be in the back as one of the chorus, and I’d be practically invisible to the audience since they’d be watching the main characters. And if I did this, I’d make Sean happy. I’d make my sisters happy. I’d make Julia happy. Heck, I’d even make Harrison happy. So why am I having such a hard time with this decision?
Because I’ll be miserable.
I sighed.
Misery is only in your attitude, though. I knew that. If I choose to be happy, I know I will be. If I choose to enjoy myself and learn something new, I will. But if I choose to be upset and waste days of my life being upset, that’s my choice too.
It was that easy. There was simply no reason to be grumpy about it.
Then I thought about how many things Sean had done for me. How many times did he think of me and cheer me up and care about me? He’d always been there for me. If I couldn’t do something for him now, when he asked me to, then I didn’t deserve his friendship, let alone his love.
I took a deep breath. So much for my pride. It looked like I’d just decided to eat humble pie. A lot of it.
And I’ll be happy eating it, too. Dang it!
Chapter Fourteen: Pride Comes Before the Fall
“Wait up, Mrs. Crawford!” Harrison called out on my way to English. I decided to slow down for him, knowing how bad it would be if I didn’t. He’d no doubt shout down the halls and unmercifully tease me.
“What?” I asked with a huff, just in case he thought this was something I was happy about.
He grinned. “I’m growing on you already.”
I rolled my eyes and picked up the pace.
He matched it easily. “So, word’s out you’re auditioning tonight.”
“Yes.” I looked straight ahead.
“And your brother was the one to convince you to do it, eh?”
I stopped. “He’s not my brother.”
Harrison’s eyebrows rose as he halted. “Either way, it’s good to know your weak spots.” He tapped his forehead and began to walk away. “I’ll have to remember that for later.”
“Remember what?” I followed him.
“That Sean can convince you to do things that us pitiful normal guys can’t.”
“Sean’s smart enough to know how.”
Just before we walked into the classroom, he held his arm out to stop me. “Either way, I’m glad you’re joining us.”
I took a deep breath. “Thanks.”
“Whoa. This doesn’t have to be a death sentence, you know.”
“What?”
“That frown. You really don’t want to be in the musical, do you?”
Was it showing that much? I thought for sure I was doing better at that whole “be happy and not miserable” thing. “I’m fine.”
His gaze searched mine a bit more seriously than I was expecting. “I don’t want you to do something you really don’t want to do.”
Now he tells me. I chuckled to lighten the mood. “Don’t worry about it.”
“I would love more than anything to get to know you, really get to know what you think about and dream about and all that stuff normal people don’t get to know.”
I hitched my backpack higher on my shoulder to shift its weight. “Why?”
“Because despite how much I tease you, I actually do care about you. More than I think you realize.”
The warning bell rang. I closed my eyes. No, you think about becoming a decent-enough person to care for me. But you don’t even know me yet. It’s still a game, and you don’t even see it. “So what part did you get?” I changed the subject as I walked into the room.
He knew exactly what I was talking about. “Tommy.”
I nodded. The high school rebel and town flirt. It suited him. “And did Lauren get the part of your girlfriend?”
He laughed. “No, actually, Alexis is playing Zaneeta.”
If I’d been drinking water, I would’ve spewed it all over the classroom. “Are you kidding me?”
“Nope.”
“And, er, what part did Lauren get?”
“She’s the mayor’s wife.”
“Okay, class, settle down,” the teacher called as the final bell rang.
I hurried over to my seat as Harrison whispered, “Just think of all the sibling drama you would’ve missed out on had you not decided to join.”
I shook my head. “I would’ve been much better off not knowing. I like it when they don’t tell me anything.”
His face got a serious look as he sat down.
“What?”
“It’s just not right. None of it is. And I swear I’m going to change the way they see you.”
I turned around and slid down in my seat. Why did such a statement, instead of bringing warmth, settle like a stone in the pit of my stomach?
***
I was so nervous as Sean drove me into Farmington for auditions that night, I could hardly speak to him. I don’t know why, though. It ended up being nothing, absolutely nothing. We walked into the large theater and all the way down to the front of the stage up to a table with a couple of chairs and the man who was seated there. Sean introduced me to the director, who smiled and shook my hand all gracious-like. He looked me over and then asked, “So are you okay with starting rehearsals on Monday?”
“Uh . . .” I blinked. “Sure.”
“Great. Welcome to The Music Man. I’ll give you your part on Monday.” He handed me a sheet. “Fill this out for me and bring it back Monday, and then you’re good to go.”
“Oh, you don’t want me to sing or something?”
He shook his head. “Nah. As long as you’ll be there for the performances around Christmastime and New Year’s, I’m a happy man. Can’t seem to get many people to commit.”
Ah, now it was all making sense. Who would want to perform instead of going away for the holidays? “So it really doesn’t matter if I can sing or not or anything?”
The director laughed. “Look, at this point, if you’re a willing body, I’ll take you.” He leaned back in his chair. “We needed at least ten more people to round off the cast nicely and make this worth our effort, and we’ve had twelve show up. Every extra person right now is a bonus. We’ve already got our leads cast. Just thank you for doing this. It means a lot.”
“Oh, okay. No problem.” I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t until I calmed down enough to breathe that I realized the director was young, probably about Sean’s age or just a bit older, but he acted so much more knowledgeable and self-assured than anyone I knew. Very artsy. He had a fedora and those cool black-rimmed glasses. I stepped back, a little out of my depth. “Thanks.” I bumped into Sean. His hands went to my waist to warn me he was there, and then they sort of stayed for a moment as we watched a couple more people come up and speak with the director.
My heart began to race.
All at once, Sean inhaled sharply and his deep voice sent shivers down my spine. “You’re wearing the perfume I got you last Christmas.”
I tried to act cool. “Yeah?” My voice was a bit weak.
“Yeah, and I’m trying really hard not to notice how good you smell.”
I wanted to roll my eyes and push him away, but another part of me wanted to stay just like we were forever. I closed my eyes instead. “Tell me more.”
He moved in closer and I could feel his chest against my back. He rested his chin on my head a moment before lowering it and kissing my cheek. “I’d better not,” he whispered. “What would people say?”
“I don’t care. I’ve never cared what people think about me.”
He rested his cheek next to mine. “Lilly, I
will always care about you. I don’t think I have a choice there. You’re a part of me. You always have been.”
I sighed. A delicious warmth spread its way from my middle all the way to my fingertips.
“I’m sorry.”
In the next second, he’d stepped back. The feeling of loss was so acute, I nearly stumbled backward to find him again. And then I knew why he moved away.
“Sean!” Julia shouted from up on stage and then came running down the stairs and over to us. “You’re still here. Great!” She waved two small books at him. “Look! I was able to convince the assistant director to let us have our scripts early so we can start working on our lines.”
“Nice. That sounds like fun.” He smiled and took the script she handed him.
She flipped her dark hair over her shoulder. “Do you want to go up on stage now and read them together?”
“Uh . . .” He glanced at me.
I shrugged. He was my ride, but if he wanted to work with Julia, who was I to tell him no?
“Sure. Might as well start now,” he said.
I watched as they made their way up on stage, chattering to each other. They found some folding chairs, and before I knew it, they were sitting in the middle of the large wooden floor, sharing lines and laughing.
I took a deep breath and cleared my throat. Time for this girl to remember her pledge to be happy and not miserable. It wasn’t working so well. And then, for no reason, my silly eyes began to fill up with tears. This is not happening. I blinked and made my way out of the auditorium toward the ladies’ room.
As I rounded the corner of the theater to head out into the lobby, I found Harrison jogging toward me as if to go inside.
“Hey, I was just on my way to watch you audition.” He stopped in front of me. “How did it go?”
“I didn’t—”
I stopped as he gently tilted my face upwards. “Tears? You’re crying? Oh, man, are you kidding me? You didn’t make the musical?”
“No, I—”
He crushed me to him in the biggest bear hug I’d ever gotten. “Lilly, I’m so, so sorry. What is that director thinking? I can’t believe it! I mean, it’s just a chorus part. How hard could that be?” He released me and grabbed my hand. “Come on, it was probably a bit of stage fright. I’m going to convince him to let you audition again. Do you need me to stand next to you? Because I will, if you need some support.” He started to pull me into the theater again.