My father and I have been getting along better, so I suggested he invite Clarke. It’s still strange, the idea that he prefers men…but I am starting to understand that it isn’t about me. I have Ciera to thank for that.
We were able to get first class tickets and judging by the matching expressions Ciera and her siblings are wearing, I can make an educated guess they’ve never been on a plane before. I know that I need to do this trip now, because Ciera’s doctor mentioned that very soon it won’t be safe for her to fly. The pressure from being so high up in the air has the possibility to cause an aneurysm, and her safety is my top priority.
Her eyes are big and wide as she stares out the window at the white clouds below. “The pilot already announced that we are headed to Florida. Do you want to tell me where we are going now that he’s spoiled the surprise?”
I squeeze her hand in mine, bringing it up to my lips to lightly kiss it. “Nope.”
She sighs loudly, turning her eyes back to the window.
The flight is over five hours, and there is a movie on board, Maleficent. Rose and Wesley are silent as they listen through the complimentary headphones. Ciera attempts to stay awake through the entire flight, but a few hours into it, I see her drifting off. Soon enough, she is slumped over on my shoulder. Her fatigue has been getting worse as we near the date. I know we won’t be able to have adventures like this much longer.
The idea that she might not be in my life soon has been eating away at me little by little. I try to keep it to myself, I know we need to keep things positive. But in the solace of my own room, I cry myself to sleep most nights. I don’t understand why this is happening to her…of all people. She is selfless and caring, genuine and smart. Bad things shouldn’t happen to good people, but they do every day. She tells me we will meet again, in another life, in another time…but I can’t accept that. I don’t want to know what it is like to live a life without her spirit. I know it’s inevitable, but it doesn’t change the way I feel.
My father is sparing no expense on this trip. He told me a few weeks ago that he noticed a change in me. Something he’s been hoping for, wishing on. He knows it’s Ciera, and her effect on me. When the plane lands, we grab our luggage from the baggage check, and head straight outside where a white limo awaits us.
“This is so cool!” Rose exclaims excitedly as she hops in behind Wesley.
Ms. Nelson turns her head to my father. “A limo? You didn’t have to…”
He shrugs. “It’s nothing, really.”
Ciera and I round up the group, but before we climb in, she stops me. “Thank you.”
“No problem,” I reply.
“Not for this, Topher. For everything these past couple of months. I don’t know what I would have done if I had to go through this all alone. You’ve been my rock.”
I stroke her cheek gently with my finger, and then lean in to press my lips to hers.
“Gross!” I hear Wesley shout from the inside of the car. “We can see you!”
We pull apart and both chuckle before climbing into the limo.
* * *
Disneyworld is an amazing place to experience around Christmas time. They have endless parades, lights everywhere, every Disney character you could imagine, live entertainment, and fireworks. We spend Christmas Eve taking in the outrageous display alongside our family members when I pull Ciera apart from the group.
“You want to go for a walk?” I ask.
She nods, her eyes sparkling.
“We’ll be back,” I toss over my shoulder as we make our way through the crowded area.
“Where are we going?” she asks as we stroll hand in hand.
I shrug my shoulders. “I just wanted some alone time with you.”
She smiles, but her eyes look sad.
“What is it?” I question as we stop walking.
Tears begin welling up in her eyes. “This.” She points around us. “You. It’s perfect.”
I smile slightly, cupping her chin. “Then why are you sad?”
She shies away from my touch. “I wish this feeling could last forever,” she whispers.
My heart squeezes from her statement. “It can.”
She shakes her head slightly, staring at her shoes, and then slowly lifts her eyes up to meet mine. Tears are trailing down her cheeks, but her eyes are full of a different emotion altogether.
“I love you,” she whispers.
I swallow, digesting her words. There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that I love her.
I kiss her quickly, savoring this moment. Memorizing the way she looks under the illuminated park; memorizing the way I feel about her. When I break the kiss off, I press my forehead to hers gently. “You have no idea how much I love you.”
She giggles softly and then a sob escapes her throat.
“Oh, baby,” I murmur, pulling her into me, and wrapping my arms around her body.
She is crying now, each sob raking through her body. My eyes begin to blur as well, but I need to hold it together…for her.
“You are the best thing that ever happened to me,” I whisper into her ear. “I was numb before you. I didn’t care about anyone or anything. And then I saw you at that football game with Madalynne and you lit a match inside me. It burned slowly at first, and I didn’t understand how I could feel anything for a girl like you. But then, I spent more time with you. I got to know the person you are inside, and I realized that no one had ever made me feel alive like you did.”
I pause, taking a step back so I can look into her eyes as I deliver the next bit of my confession. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. I’ve hurt a lot of people. But you were the first person who truly made me feel remorse. You were the first person that held me accountable. I do regret the things I put you through, but if I had the chance to go back, I wouldn’t change a thing because they led me to you.”
She inhales deeply, her body shaking. “I used to watch you. I couldn’t understand how someone who had everything could be so ungrateful. You were like a robot, going through the motions…but devoid of any real feelings. I never imagined I would be the one to help bring about a change inside of you.”
I sigh. “After my skiing accident, they prescribed me with Vicodin. The pills were addictive and soon, I found myself taking them solely for the purpose of escaping reality. They made it easier not to care. I was depressed and they gave me a release.”
Her facial expression looks pained. “Are you—“
I cut her off before she can even finish with a simple shake of my head. “Nope. After that day at the party, I dumped them all down the toilet. You maneuvered through life without the help of pills, and it made me realize what a wuss I had been. I envied you. We barely knew one another then, and you were the reason I quit.”
She blushes at my strong confession.
Fireworks begin to explode in the sky, and her eyes shift to witness the display. I walk behind her, wrapping my arms around her body, and resting my chin on her shoulder. I feel her deep intakes of breath as she enjoys the show. It’s times like this I wish I could remain in forever.
Chapter Twenty Six
Ciera
Christmas came and went, taking the New Year along with it. My time is running out, and I feel it every day. While we were in Florida enjoying the amazing gift the Carlson’s got us, I managed to land myself in the hospital not once, but twice from seizures. Rose and Wesley were terrified. I felt so bad. I hate to be a burden. I hate to be a cause for their uneasiness. And I sure as hell hate everyone walking on egg shells around me.
I’m noticing changes that are taking place inside my body, and to my body that are hard to accept. I’m forgetting people’s names, faces, important dates, and more. My short term memory is getting worse, and Topher has been helping me keep a memory journal that he encourages me to read each and every day. My hearing has been going in and out, replaced by a low buzzing, and I’ve been to the emergency room twice in the past week for nausea and vomiting.
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Dr. Brown says the tumor is aggressively attacking my body. Much quicker than even he anticipated. I know it’s still my decision on when to take the Secobarbital I was prescribed, but I’m not ready. I still haven’t been able to experience everything I want to yet. I’m still too young. Dr. Brown also suggested I don’t sleep on a couch anymore, so Topher and his father have been kind enough to set me up with a room in their house. I feel bad spending time away from my mother and siblings, but they are welcome over anytime.
I stopped going to school a week ago. It was too much for me. It mentally exhausted me to the point I couldn’t get out of bed for nearly twenty hours some days. It just doesn’t make sense continuing to go in, when I’m not even going to make it to graduation. You can say a cynical attitude is what I have adopted. It’s almost as if Topher and I have reversed roles. Depression is taking hold of me, and it’s difficult to see the positives in anything these days. I know this is all caused from the tumor, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
Topher is trying to stay strong for me, but I can see through his façade. Some days I awake to find him drenched in sweat, and other days I can hear the screams from the nightmares that claim his mind. I appreciate that he tries to hold it together for me, but some days I long for a pity party where we simply cry all day for the life we know we will never get to experience together.
He has a calendar on his wall, and everyday he marks off a day, I see how much it takes out of him. Some days I feel guilty for coming into his life and giving him something so great that we both know can’t last. And other days I know I wouldn’t be able to make it through this without him.
I glance at the clock on the nightstand. Topher should be home any minute.
I’ve been near helpless this week, I want to do something special for him. I forced myself to take a shower over an hour ago, and have since managed to do both my hair and put on a little makeup. I race down the stairs to the kitchen area and open the fridge.
Neither Topher nor his father enjoy cooking, so we’ve had takeout six out of the seven days last week. I’m just wanting something a bit healthier. Something that takes effort to make. I open a few of the cupboards along with the freezer to get a good idea of everything I am working with. Shortly after, I have decided on pork chops with brown rice and vegetables. I begin placing the pots and pans on the stove, and beginning the preparations.
Topher strolls through the front door fifteen minutes later. He’s so used to me being in bed, I hear him head directly upstairs. When it’s obvious I’m not in my room, I hear the barreling of footsteps heading back downstairs, and finally toward the kitchen. “There you are,” he says gently as he approaches me.
He is wearing a teal and black plaid button down which brings out his eyes. His hair looks disheveled like he drove in a convertible with the top down. I know this is probably the case as he was raving about the new car he’s been driving around, which I haven’t been in yet.
He comes up from behind me, wrapping his arms around my body, and placing a kiss on the back of my head. “What are you doing?”
I spin around so I am facing him. “Cooking, what does it look like?”
He cracks a smile. “Well, obviously…but why?”
I shrug. “I felt like a home-cooked meal.”
He chuckles. “The take out finally get to you?”
I shake my head dismissively. “Don’t you ever feel empowered to make something yourself?”
He rubs his hand across his face before releasing me, and taking a seat at the island.
“That’s right. I forgot you’re a guy…” I stick my tongue out at him.
“Have you spoken to your mom today?” Topher asks, one of his eyebrows raising suspiciously.
I shake my head no. “Why?”
“She called a few times while I was at school. I figured you were just sleeping. Where’s your phone?”
I look around me and then remember it’s still by my bedside. “Upstairs.”
“You haven’t checked it at all today, have you?” he asks, already standing up. I assume he is going to fetch it for me.
“I’m sorry I’m not married to my phone like you are,” I tease.
“Hey!” Topher exclaims, running toward me.
“Ahhh!” I shriek before dropping the spatula I am holding, and darting out of the room. I can hear his heavy footsteps behind me, but I continue booking it up the stairs.
Before I’ve even laid foot inside my bedroom, I feel Topher’s body colliding with mine and we both fall onto the bed. We’re laughing hysterically, and I am attempting to catch my breath.
He is positioned on his side, his elbow propping him up as he sweeps my hair gently from my face. “My dad has a date with Clarke tonight. He won’t be home until later.”
I know why he is mentioning this. Because we haven’t had the luxury of alone time since I moved in. My heart begins beating ferociously in my chest, and for the first time, it’s because I’m ready. I’ve been ready for a while. I have a little bit of energy today, and I’m not suffering from any headaches.
I take his face in my hands, taking the time to appreciate it before I lean in and kiss him passionately. This is my way of letting him know we are on the same page. He moans softly into my mouth, and I know he’s received the message loud and clear. I rip my shirt off, surprising him.
“Now?” he exclaims, startled.
“Well, no, not if you don’t want to,” I play with him. I reach for his shirt when he grips my wrist, stopping me.
“Not so fast, missy!” Before I can make another move he has maneuvered my body down to the pillows at the head of the bed. He is on top of me, staring down into my eyes. Without breaking eye contact, he slowly pulls his shirt off, tossing it to the ground. My hands immediately go to his chest, my fingers trailing down it.
His eyes flutter from my touch. He kisses me again, pulling my bottom lip between his and sucking on it lightly. He moves his mouth to my neck and places a trail of kisses along it. I’m already in ecstasy from the simple moves he’s making. He runs his hands up my arms, and then threads his fingers between mine. With our hands entwined, he lifts them up above my head, and continues his kissing trail down my collarbone, and then to my shoulder. He places a kiss dangerously close to the strap of my bra before he releases my hands, and slips a finger between my bra strap and shoulder.
He locks eyes with me once more to make sure it is okay for him to continue. I nod lightly giving him the okay before he slips the strap down my arm. He does the same move with the other side, and then takes one of his hands, and pulls my breasts out. He admires my naked chest before continuing. “You have no idea how long I’ve been fantasizing about this moment.”
I giggle softly, blushing. “Oh, I’m pretty sure I do.”
He shakes his head, laying it down onto my chest. His lips dangerously close to my breast. I can feel his warm breath on my skin, sending tingles down my spine and out my toes. Between his hands and his mouth, Topher definitely knows what he is doing.
He reaches for my underwear and I stop him. “Do you want to use protection?” I ask. In a normal situation, this would be a no-brainer. But I am dying anyway and I’m a virgin, so I don’t have any diseases I could transfer to Topher.
He pulls away from me slightly. “Don’t you?”
I shake my head. “I have less than three weeks to live. I want to experience all of you. I want to feel all of you.”
His eyes soften.
“Don’t,” I say softly.