“What?”
“Let’s keep the emotions out of it. We can cry when it’s over. But it will just kill our mood.”
He cocks his head to the side. “When did you become so logical about all of this?”
I shrug, pulling him back down to me, pressing my lips to his.
Topher makes sure I get to experience all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly. He handles me gently and with care. I’ve never felt closer to another human being before. After we take the time to explore every inch of each other’s bodies, I can’t tell where he ends and I begin.
They always say the first time is awkward, uncomfortable, and underwhelming. While there were a few uncomfortable moments, the majority of it was beautiful. Being able to give myself fully to Topher and see him in the same state; vulnerable, is an incredible feeling. I’m feeling more confident about the short amount of time I have left. In the past few months, I’ve been able to tackle nearly every item on my bucket list, thanks to my loving boyfriend. I’m beginning to wonder what the next chapter will be for me, once I pass on. It’s a much better than feeling sorry for myself.
Chapter Twenty Seven
Topher
She’s fading slowly, and before we know it, she’s going to be merely a memory. My anxiety grows as the day nears. I’ve known for a long time that her grim outcome was inevitable, but I couldn’t prepare myself for it. I didn’t want to.
With only one week left until the red circled date on the calendar, I know we’ve run out of time. Her family is here every day now. A few days ago when Ciera finally got the chance to call her mother back she found out that her father was in town. She had never met him before, being a product of a one night stand…but something compelled Ms. Nelson to call him, and he actually came.
At first Ciera didn’t want to see him. She had made it through her entire life without his help. But, after some discussion, I helped her realize that if she didn’t take the opportunity now, she wouldn’t get it again. We agreed to go to dinner with him. It will take nearly everything out of her, but I know it will be worth it in the end.
We meet at a local Thai restaurant, one that Ciera and I both enjoy, as we walk in. It looks fairly empty, except for a few scattered patrons, but we don’t see any solo males. We take a seat at a booth and Ciera is fumbling with her shirt. I throw my arm over her shoulder, squeezing it. “You look fine.”
She shifts her eyes to mine quickly. “How did you know?”
I shrug. “After you spend enough time with someone, you get to know their ‘tells’.”
She smiles slightly, but her eyes look sad. I know what she is thinking, and my heart squeezes from the thought.
It doesn’t get any easier as the time nears. If anything, the pain inside both of us becomes that much more unbearable. Even the idea that she might not be here after next week sends goose bumps throughout my entire body. I don’t want to remember what life was like before her. I just want her.
I press my forehead against hers lightly. “You’re going to be okay, you know,” she says softly, her lip trembling.
I shake my head against hers softly. “I don’t know if I will be…”
She takes a shaky deep breath in. “You’re stronger than you realize, Topher. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”
I sigh, feeling the warmth behind my eyes. “I don’t want to know what it is like without you.”
She smiles, but it’s forced. “You don’t have to. I’m always going to be with you,” she whispers.
“Ciera?” I hear a deep male voice ask.
Our heads pop up and a tall, dark haired male with a goatee and brown eyes stares back at us. Ciera glances at me quickly and then back to the man. “You must be Paul.”
He nods, emotion pouring over his face and eyes.
I stumble out of the booth quickly, reaching my hand out. “I’m Topher, Ciera’s boyfriend.”
He gives me the once over, taking my hand in his and shaking it firmly. I move out of the way so Ciera can scoot out of the booth and do the same.
His eyes continue to rake over her face. “You look so much like your mother.”
She blushes as she shakes his hand.
I can already see the resemblance. They have the same face shape and big eyes. Even similar teeth structure.
He slips into the booth across from us as we slide back into place. “Thank you so much for agreeing to meet with me.”
Ciera nods gently, remaining silent. I know this is difficult for her.
“Your mother told me about what is going on.”
I glance at Ciera and then back to her father.
He looks pained as she continues to remain quiet. “Ciera, I’m sorry…”
She inhales deeply, and then finally opens her mouth to speak. “Where have you been? I used to ask my mother about you and she just told me that you left. I know you were around when I was a baby, but I don’t remember you.”
He sighs uncomfortably, shifting in his seat. “Ciera, things between your mother and me…well, they weren’t exactly healthy. I left to make things better for all of us.”
“You left and you’re trying to justify that you made the right decision? I’m seventeen years old! You couldn’t call or write for seventeen years?”
The pain that Ciera has kept bottled up inside is slowly seeping its way out of her body.
He runs his hand over his hair, seemingly frustrated. “It’s not that easy.”
She stifles a laugh. “So what…now that I’m dying it’s suddenly become a piece of cake to reach out to your own daughter?”
I shoot a worried glance her way. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea.
“I was young and naïve,” Paul says softly. “I didn’t know how to be a father.”
A tear slips down her face. “You didn’t even try. You just gave me up. I don’t even know who you are, and soon it won’t even matter anymore.”
His face contorts as her words wash over him. “Ciera, you matter. You’ve always mattered. Did your mother ever give you the birthday cards I sent?”
Ciera looks back at him through narrowed eyes. “What cards?”
He exhales deeply. “Figures.”
“What cards?” she asks more forceful now.
The waitress is nearing our table, but I lock eyes with her to silently communicate that now isn’t the best time. Luckily, she catches my drift and approaches another table altogether.
“Every year, in July, I mailed a birthday card to you. It wasn’t much, but it was my way of trying to reach out. Of trying to build a relationship. I never heard back from you, but I figured you were still angry with me for not being an active part of your life. The thought never occurred to me that she might not be showing you the cards at all…”
My stomach drops. Her mother kept the cards from her all these years. I’m not sure why she did it, but I assume she must have had a good reasoning for it.
“Ciera, I left when you were a baby…but I wanted to know you. I realized that a few years after I left. I made attempts. I guess I just didn’t try hard enough. I’m so sorry.” His eyes are watering up, and I can tell he is genuine.
Ciera is having a hard time with everything, it’s evident in her breathing. I rub her back softly, attempting to soothe her.
“I guess you should have tried harder,” she says bitterly.
He sighs. “You’re right. I should have. But I can’t change what’s happened in the past. I can only try to make up for it now, with the time we have.”
The air falls silent between the two of them as the waitress approaches our booth once more, and we finally order. As we wait for the food to be delivered, Paul breaks the silence.
“So, tell me about you.”
Ciera rubs the back of her hand against her forehead, shifting her blond locks out of her eyes. “What do you want to know?”
He smiles gently. “Anything. Everything. I want to know what you’re like. What you enjoy doing.”
S
he sighs, locking eyes with me.
I know he isn’t addressing the question to me, but I can tell she needs me to step in, so I do. “She’s a wonderful student. Before she had to stop going, she was one of the top students in the entire school. She made the honor roll.” I pause as she squeezes my hand lightly. “She works at the local theater to help out with the growing stack of bills, and she is the best big sister anyone could ever ask for.”
Paul’s eyes widen. “You have siblings? How old are they?”
Ciera speaks now. “Seven and nine.”
Paul shakes his head slightly. “What happened to their father?”
“Motorcycle accident. They never had a chance to know him.”
Ciera has never shared this information before, and sadness washes over me. None of it seems fair.
“I’m sorry,” Paul says quickly.
Ciera shrugs. “It was very hard on my mother, but I did the best I could.”
He shakes his head. “You are so much stronger than I imagined.”
I squeeze her inner thigh reassuringly. “Yes, she is.”
“What do you like to do?” he asks.
She shrugs, a cynical look taking over her face. “It doesn’t really matter anymore.”
He straightens up. “It matters to me.”
“She likes to write,” I throw in. “She’s very talented.”
“Really?” His eyes light up as he examines her.
She averts his gaze. “It’s nothing really. Just a silly dream.”
“I’d love to read some of your writing sometime,” Paul says warmly.
“Yeah, maybe,” she replies, taking a sip off her water.
We spend the next hour at the restaurant, before it’s obvious that Ciera needs her rest. Although I don’t understand fully why Paul never took responsibility as a father, I can’t fault him for trying now. He plans on staying in town the next week or two. Ciera is hesitant to spend more time with him, but when he asks to exchange numbers, she does.
After tucking her in bed, I make my way downstairs, hoping to grab a cup of tea. As I wait for the tea leaves to soak into my scorching hot water, I hear footsteps heading into the kitchen.
“She in bed?” my father asks as he takes a seat at the island. He removes his suit jacket, lying it onto the counter beside him.
I nod, blowing on my hot mug.
“How did it go with her father?” Ever since Ciera has been staying with us, I’ve felt closer to my own father. I feel comfortable talking with him again, and when he doesn’t work late, we even share meals together some days.
I shrug. “As good as it could, I suppose.”
He locks eyes with me with a forlorn expression. “How are you doing?”
I inhale deeply. “I’m fine.”
My father’s eyes narrow. “How are you really doing?”
I shake my head. “I’ve been better?”
He exhales. “That’s an understatement.”
“What do you want from me?” I ask in an irritated tone.
My father’s face falls. “I want you to talk to me, Topher. I know it’s been a difficult year all around, but I want you to know that you can trust me.”
What do you want me to say? I want to scream. My girlfriend is dying. My life was flipped upside down just by having her in it and now it’s being turned about once more because I’m losing my reason for breathing.
My eyes well up with tears as I clench my fists tightly.
My father slips off the stool gently and takes a few hesitant steps toward me. When he reaches out for me, I break. The tears come out like a floodgate has been opened. I feel him pull me in close, his hand gripping my shoulder tightly. He doesn’t say anything for a long while, just lets me cry.
I haven’t hugged my father since before I found out about Clarke and his sexuality. It feels strange, but comfortable.
“She’s the best person I know,” I choke out.
I can feel him nodding. “I’m so sorry, Topher.”
It’s the first time I’ve cried in front of anyone. It’s the first time I’ve let my emotions take over me in the presence of another person. Every night when I lay my head down, I am reminded that we are one day closer to losing her forever. I’ve soaked my pillows nightly for a while now, drowning in my sorrows.
When I finally compose myself and pull away from him, he doesn’t let me go far. “I’m going to be here for you, Topher, every step of the way.”
I nod gently as he presses his forehead to mine. “I love you and I am so proud of the man you have become.”
I pull back gently and look up into his eyes. “I’ve been a son of a bitch, how can you even say that?”
He shakes his head softly. “No, you just didn’t understand. But I can tell you’ve changed, and I know a lot of that has to do with Ciera.”
I nod. “I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for her…”
“You’d just be a little lost is all,” my father says softly.
I don’t know why he is letting me slide on the way I treated him. God knows I don’t deserve it. But, I am thankful nonetheless. I know I am going to need him more than ever in the coming weeks. I’m just happy we are on speaking terms.
* * *
When I finally make it back upstairs, I am surprised to see Ciera wide-eyed and awake. She is licking an envelope as I walk into her bedroom.
“What are you doing up?” I ask as I eye the clock on the nightstand. 9:26 pm.
She finishes closing the envelope, and then hands it to me.
“What is this?” I ask, a grin pulling at my lips.
Her expression is heartbreaking.
I take a seat softly on the bed next to her.
“I want you to read this…after I’m gone.”
I glance at the letter and then back up to her face. Tears are beginning to slowly slip down her cheeks. “Promise me, you’ll wait.”
I nod, tears welling up into my own eyes for the second time tonight. “I promise.”
I was one hell of person before Ciera, and after a few weeks of chipping away my tough exterior, she was able to bring out the real person. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to open up to someone again like I have with her. I don’t know that I’ll ever want to.
I hope she’s right, about us meeting in another life. I would find her a thousand times over if it meant we might get a better chance.
It’s funny that the girl I barely knew existed before, changed my life in ways I could have never imagined. I thought I knew where my life was headed, but she opened my eyes—she showed me the potential I have inside.
I’ll probably never meet another person as incredible as her. But now that I’ve had a taste, I’ll never settle again. I’ll never stop searching.
Epilogue
Just because it was pre-planned did not make it any easier. February 20th rolled around, and we piled around Ciera’s bedside to say goodbye to her. It happened so quickly and before we knew it, she was gone. Unexpected visitors showed up at her funeral to pay their respects. Joe, Sophia, even Alyssa…all made appearances. They never understood my relationship with her, but when they time came, they were there for me.