“What did they talk about?” I looked at him in confusion.
“Nothing!” Max laughed. “And everything! I mean, they were just talking about each other mostly, or other Uppers who weren’t at the party.” He laughed again, shrugging his shoulders.
“I’d gone hoping to figure out, you know, more of what’s going on in the world. But none of them were talking about global corporations or anything like that. They were just talking about things like what clothes people were wearing, and they all laughed a lot, though mostly I didn’t know what was supposed to be funny.”
He shook his head, smiling in wonder. “Zoe, it was like nothing you’ve ever seen. And the food.” He rolled his eyes. “You think this cake is good? They had meat, and I mean actual meat. And then this stuff called wine, which tasted really bitter at first, but then started making my head spin and I got really happy.” He laughed as if the memory was so vivid he was experiencing it again. “I’ll have to steal a bottle of it next time, you gotta try it.”
“Max,” I said, worry growing heavy in the pit of my stomach. He seemed to think it was all so great, but didn’t he realize the danger he was putting himself in? All the feelings from the last week rushed back over me. They felt even heavier in contrast to the momentary lightness of forgetting myself with Max for a few minutes. I couldn’t lose another person I cared about.
I put a hand on his arm. “I’m glad you enjoyed yourself, but you shouldn’t go back. It’s not worth it. Just one moment faltering, and they’d figure out what you are. What you can do. And they’d take you away from me. I’d lose you like I lost…” The words felt stuck in my throat. “Like my brother.”
Max shook his head and waved his hand like he was sweeping all my concerns away. “Zoe, it’s not like that. There’s no danger. Don’t you see? We don’t have to escape. We can be safe right here. We can stay and eat cake every night and drink wine till it’s coming out our ears!”
“What about the Regulators? The Monitors? The Chancellor? Every moment we stay here in the Community, we risk getting caught.”
“That’s for me to worry about. I’ve spent time around these Uppers, and the Chancellor. It will be a lot easier to work around them than you might think.”
He took both my hands in his and the light shining out of his eyes was infectious. He was so confident, so sure of himself. His charisma was almost enough to sweep me away in spite of all my sadness and guilt.
“You and me, babe,” he whispered, his glowing eyes searching mine. “We can make a life for ourselves. Just you and me. With the Rez, we’d be scraping by. On the run, fighting a battle we know we can’t win. But with what I can do, this can be our life. We can have whatever we want. We can be happy.”
I could almost believe him. Maybe I did believe him. Maybe there was some strange world that he could disappear into with his powers, and maybe there was even a way he could whisk me along with him to that world of chocolate cake and real meat and sparkling drinks that made you laugh all night. Wasn’t that better than the suffocating worry and guilt? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to lose myself like that, to let Max take care of everything? To pretend pain and sadness didn’t exist?
“But what about all the other people?” I finally asked.
“Mmm?” he asked, still smiling and gazing into my eyes.
“All the other people who are left stuck being drones? How can we sit around eating cake when they’re still in danger, still slaves?”
His brow furrowed. “There’s nothing we can do about the drones.” He shrugged. “We can only save ourselves. But the important thing is that we can save ourselves. We can be safe. Together. And happy.” He took my hands again.
The cake in my stomach suddenly felt like a weight, sinking me further and further down. I pulled away from him.
“It sounds like a nice life, Max. Really. But I don’t think I could live with myself, surrounded by people who have nothing while we have everything. I think the Rez can help us escape and be safe, and more important—we can help others. We need to have a real plan, for all of us. I’ll talk to Adrien about it tonight and then maybe we could all meet.” I picked up my tablet case and slung the strap over my shoulder.
“Adrien?” Max said with a voice so cold I looked up in alarm. He didn’t sound right. He didn’t look right, either. His face was mottled red, he had a pinched expression in his eyes, and his nostrils flared.
“Adrien?” he growled through gritted teeth. “You’re meeting him tonight?”
“Yes.” My voice trembled at the sudden change in him. “We need to all be together in this.”
“Not with him,” Max exploded. “Together is you and me. Not him!” He slammed the wall angrily, making me flinch.
“What is wrong with you lately?” I said, raising my voice too. “Stop hitting things. Stop yelling. Every time I see you we end up having a fight.”
He breathed out hard and ran his hands through his hair roughly. “Everything was fine before that bastard showed up.”
“You’re the one taking useless risks for no reason, sneaking into officials’ rooms and going to events and eating cake!” I felt bad as soon as I said it, but I kept barreling along.
“I don’t understand who you are anymore. You’re always going off in disguise and spending time with the Uppers. I feel like you’re part of this whole other world now, one I don’t know anything about. And you’re not telling me everything, I can feel it.” I searched his eyes. “You’re keeping secrets from me, aren’t you?”
He didn’t say anything but his face softened. “Come on.” He pulled me close and wrapped his arms gently around me. “No more fighting.”
I felt suddenly exhausted. I wanted to go back to sleep now. Everything was so difficult—my relationship with Max, the buzzing electricity of my power threatening every moment to be released, the pain of knowing what I’d done to my older brother.
It did feel good to be held. When Max was like this, I could forget how twisted and painful everything was getting. He rubbed my back gently. He could be so kind when he wanted to be. I sank against him.
Max pulled me into him and put his lips against my neck.
I pushed him away. “Max, no.”
“Why?” he said, a mixture of anger and hurt on his face. His moods were so mercurial, I could barely keep up. I sighed and rubbed my temple. Emotion was exhausting. Life had been so much simpler without it.
“You’re always pushing me away. You know, maybe this new girl—Megan? Morgan?—will appreciate me more than you.” Max’s voice was acerbic.
I stepped back, stung. His mouth had twisted into a sneer. For a second, in spite of his handsomeness, he looked grotesque.
“Maybe I shouldn’t come here anymore,” I said in a whisper. I backed away, my whole body trembling.
“Stop.” He grabbed my arm, his face softening in confusion. “Wait. I don’t know why I say things like that.” He let go of me and ran his hands through his hair.
“I just want to be with you so badly and then you come here and end up pushing me away at the last second. I think about you all the time. You’re all I want.” His voice was oddly high and close to breaking, and I could see the hurt on his face. “Why can’t you want me, too?”
“Oh, Max.” I put a hand to his face, wishing I could wipe the hurt away. “I didn’t mean— I’m sorry—”
“Don’t,” he said sharply, his face hardening again. “Don’t use his word. Not with me.”
I didn’t know how things had gotten so broken between us. I was poison. I hurt everything I touched. I didn’t know what else to say, so I turned away. Max didn’t try to stop me this time.
* * *
I stood after I’d closed the door to my room and let out the tears that had been threatening the entire subway ride home. I’d promised not to, but I let myself be weak just this once. The drops came in a flood, choking sobs that I only barely managed to keep quiet. I covered my mouth with my hands but I knew I was still b
eing too loud. I grabbed my pillow from my bed and stuffed my face into it to muffle the noise. I sank to the ground beside my desk. I didn’t know pain could last this long.
My ribs ached but I kept imagining Max’s face. I didn’t know why I couldn’t care about him the way he wanted me to, and I hated hurting him. But then again, he hurt me, too. And then Daavd … oh Daavd. What was the point of feeling things when all I seemed to feel was pain?
“Zoe, are you okay?” Adrien’s alarmed voice came from above me. He dropped down, landing with barely any noise on the bed and hurrying down the ladder to where I was sitting.
“I’m fine,” I said, using another tissue and tossing it in the trash. “It’s just … Max and I…”
“Did he hurt you?” Adrien’s voice was furious.
“What?” I looked up. “No, of course not. We just—” I searched for the right word. “—keep misunderstanding each other.”
“I’m sorry.” He put an arm around me, trying to draw me in to his chest. I pulled away. I couldn’t bear to see the same kind of hurt on another person’s face that I cared about.
“Come on,” Adrien whispered, tugging on my hand. I nodded and followed Adrien up the ladder to my bed so he’d be out of view if anyone came in, all the while taking deep breaths to try to start calming myself down. We were quiet for several minutes after we sat down.
“Everything hurts so much since I started glitching,” I finally whispered, wiping my eyes with my forearm. “I feel like I’m full of all these pulsing pieces barely contained by my skin, like a rip might start in one place and then it would all fly apart.” I broke off, staring up at the ceiling and shaking my head. “I just mess everything up. I can’t do this right. I don’t know how to be human. I’m doing it wrong. I just can’t—”
“I’m sorry, Zoe.” Adrien gently put one hand behind my head and tugged it forward until his forehead touched mine. “I’m so sorry. But hurt is part of being human.”
“But is it worth it?” I looked into his green eyes, so close to mine. “What if the Community is right? Wouldn’t it be better to never feel hurt or pain? Aren’t we better off without it?”
His brows came together, his whole face softening. “Zoe, I know it hurts right now, but believe me, it’s worth it. I know all you’ve seen is the bad side of emotion lately, but I promise you, you’ll find the other side of it too.”
I pulled away. “What, like pleasure?” My voice cracked. “That’s all Max can think about.”
“No, not just pleasure. There’s other things, like, I mean—” He paused, looking away from me at the wall. “Like love.” His voice was soft. “It’s a word that has so many different meanings. Especially with family. No matter how much they hurt you.” He leaned his head back against the wall, staring out into space.
“Love doesn’t sound like a very good thing then,” I said. “It seems highly illogical. My brother got killed because he loved me.”
“No.” His voice was adamant. “It wasn’t love that killed him. It was this shunted-up system.”
His eyelashes glinted in the dim light and his voice was intense. “Love between two people can make life worth living. Real love between two people…” He gulped suddenly and looked down at his hands. “It’s like this amazing explosion of joy. It’s way deeper than just normal happiness. It fills you to the very core, makes you whole.” He coughed a little. “At least that’s what, you know, what people say anyway. And friendship is a kind of love, too.”
I thought back to my fight with Max. “Max doesn’t seem to think friendship is enough.”
“Well,” Adrien said reluctantly, the warm openness of a few moments ago hardening. “I guess it’s probably hard to deal with all the intense emotion and sensation, suddenly and all at once. He’s never been taught how to cope with it. It’s gotta be overwhelming for him.”
“He doesn’t seem overwhelmed. Just angry.”
Adrien shrugged, smiling even though his eyebrows looked heavy and sad. “Anger’s part of it too. It’s a powerful emotion. All these emotions both of you guys are having—you were supposed to learn how to deal with them as you grew up, but you were robbed of that chance. What you feel for each other, I’m sure it’s really powerful for both of you. And he’s a teenage guy, so…”
He scratched his head and looked away from my gaze. “So you know, it’s tough.” He reddened suddenly.
“Why?”
Adrien let out a short, strangled laugh that sounded different from his normal laugh. “It’s just a little different for boys. I mean, a lot of the time, even guys I know who’ve never been cracking chipped, all they can think about is…” His face turned red, “is, well, um. The passions.”
I blinked. “Really? Do you?”
His mouth dropped open a little and he got even redder. “I mean, sure, yeah, you know, sometimes. Not all the time,” he finished hurriedly.
I looked at him strangely, sniffling and wiping my nose one last time. “No, I don’t know what you mean.”
“Why is your face becoming discolored?” I asked, mystified. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine,” he said, his laugh high-pitched and odd-sounding again. His eyes widened and he made a little choking noise. He scratched the back of his head again and looked away.
“Really, why is your face that color?”
He laughed. “Just ’cause I’m embarrassed. I’m even embarrassed telling you I’m embarrassed!”
“Why?”
“This is a crackin’ intimate topic, I guess.” Adrien’s face went a little rigid. “But listen to me, Zoe. Don’t let that shunter Max pressure you to do anything.”
“But you just said it’s not wrong!”
“It’s not.” He stopped short, looking down. “If both people want it. You want to make sure it feels right.”
“Feels right?” I threw my hands up in frustration. “I’m never going to get this.”
“Sure you will,” Adrien said, smiling. “I’ll teach you.” Then his face went red again. “I mean, I just meant—I could teach you about emotions and help explain what emotion words mean.”
I pointed. “Red face means embarrassed. I’m a quick learner.”
He laughed, his face finally relaxing. His laughter sounded more normal again, and the rich sound of it made the heavy ache inside me hurt less.
“I like it when you laugh,” I said. “And I’d like it if you kept teaching me.”
“Okay.” He smiled at me but with a different smile than the others he’d used. It felt like a private smile, just between the two of us. Something inside my chest seemed to warm at the sight. Max might have been my first friend, but now I felt like Adrien was my friend, too. Friendship felt really nice. Maybe Adrien was right. Maybe you could pile up enough good emotions to help outweigh the bad.
“Come on, let’s get your injection, then we’ll practice getting control of your telekinesis again. The more control you get over your gift, the more you’ll be able to stand up against them, to stop what happened to you and Daavd from ever happening to anyone else.”
I nodded, feeling a determination settle over me. I knew what he was offering me—a way out of my guilt, a way to funnel my pain. But even more than that, I kept saying I wanted to help others, to do something, but I hadn’t been willing to develop my most powerful asset. I steeled myself. It was time for that to change.
Chapter 18
“HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED any anomalous events?” The Chancellor’s hawk gaze pierced me, like she could see right through my brain to my glitching V-chip.
I breathed evenly, then answered, “No, Chancellor.”
She leaned forward, the wrinkles around her eyes crinkling as she stared hard at me. There was something about her gaze, like her eyes were boring deep inside my head and tugging at something familiar at the back of my mind. The hair on my arms stood up.
“Tell me about the anomalies you experience.” Her voice was gentle, but there was an intensity to her face, a
nd an impatience beyond what I had ever seen in her before.
I stared back, suddenly nervous. I had clicked myself back into the Link, but I still felt like she could tell something was off about me. I willed myself to remain calm. “I have experienced no anomalous events.”
Her eyes became slits and her nostrils flared.
“Tell me about other students who experience anomalies.”
“I don’t know of any students experiencing anomalies,” I lied, smoothing the nervous hitch in my voice.
Her jaw clenched. She looked livid and got up to come around her desk. She leaned her face into mine. I could smell her sour breath, she was so close.
The high-pitched sound started as a quiet purr in my brain. It came more quickly since I’d been working on it. It sparked to life like an eager flame, but unfortunately, was still just as unmanageable. So far I was still unable to control or direct it. I felt the power build up under my skin, bursting down the sides of my arms and aching to come out through my fingertips. My eyes widened infinitesimally as I tried to slow its progression. Not here. Not now.
I made my gaze rest on the floor, soaking up the Link information playing at the edges of my vision, trying to swallow the power back down. I thought about anything other than the Chancellor only an inch away from my face. Or I tried at least. I managed to diminish the buzzing, but the fear was still too palpable. I could lose control any moment. With a sharp stab in my stomach, I realized she knew something. Somehow, she knew something about what was going on with me.
Think numb thoughts. Think numb thoughts.
I made my face a mask. Slightly disinterested, passive and compliant. The studied blankness I had perfected.
She pulled back all at once and went back to sit in her chair. A strange smile played at the corner of her lips.
“You are dismissed, Zoe,” she said, waving her hand and looking away.
I stood up and turned slowly, methodically.
One foot in front of the other. Don’t look back.