She seemed a little taken aback that I hadn’t tried to deny it.
“So, you’re sleeping with him?”
“Obviously,” I said, raising one eyebrow.
“Obviously,” she snapped back. “You’re having sex with him!”
I blushed to the roots of my hair, then shook my head. “No,” I whispered.
Her voice softened considerably. “Are you going to?”
“I think so,” I nodded, my voice a whisper.
She blinked rapidly. “Wow!”
I glanced up at her. She didn’t seem angry.
“You’re not mad at me?”
Jennifer frowned. “Why would I be mad at you?”
“You don’t think I’m a slut or anything?”
She shook her head. “No, of course not. You’ve been crazy about that boy since you were a kid. But…”
“But what?”
“He’ll be leaving again in two weeks.”
“I know,” I said miserably.
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
She didn’t sound like she was being judgmental, but I could read between the lines.
“Yes and no. I want to, but I’m nervous, too. I know it’s going to hurt, isn’t it?”
Jennifer seemed embarrassed. “That’s what I hear.”
It was my turn to look surprised. “I thought you and Luke…?”
“Ha well, no, we didn’t. We fooled around, but I wanted to wait.”
“Is that why you guys broke up?”
“Yes! What a jerk! Can you believe it? He thought just because we’d been dating for a few months that I should put out!”
“I always thought he sounded like a jerk,” I giggled, enjoying the shared moment.
“You were right,” she admitted. “But are you right about Kes? I don’t mean to be a bitch, but he seems like the kind of guy who’d be a total player. He could have a girl in every town for all you know.”
I sighed and studied my fingernails. “He says he doesn’t. He hasn’t even slept with anyone else.”
“And you believe that?” Jennifer interrupted.
“I trust him,” I said forcefully. “And besides, he bought me my own cell phone so we can talk every night.”
Jennifer’s skeptical look softened to a smile. “Oh, that’s really sweet! Maybe I’m wrong about him.”
“I don’t know how it’s going to work out,” I admitted. “They have winter break for ten weeks every year in California. Maybe I could fly out there and visit…”
Jennifer shook her head. “Dad would never go for that, and I’m not sure Mom would either.”
Hearing her confirm it made my eyes tear up again. “I don’t know what to do,” I said. “I love him.”
Jennifer sighed. “I can see that.”
“Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m ready to take the next step, but he is. And if I make him wait another year, what’s to say he won’t find someone else?”
“Jeez, Aimee! If he can’t keep it in his pants until you’re ready, what basis is that for a relationship?”
“But that’s the point!” I cried. “We can’t have a relationship! You said it yourself. I get him for two weeks a year, period. But it’s two whole years before I can leave home and go to college, and even then he’ll still be traveling all over. I’ve thought about it and thought about it and I don’t see how it can ever work. So if all we get is now, then I’ll take it. This way, he’ll always be my first time and I’ll always be his—and he’ll always be a part of me.”
The tears began to flow, and Jennifer wrapped her arms around me. She hugged and hugged and wouldn’t let go.
“Be careful,” she whispered.
Fate was against us. Screw that! Kes was moody and difficult, brilliant and beautiful. He scared me and he protected me. He could be incredibly hurtful and incredibly thoughtful. He wasn’t perfect, but he was perfect for me. He challenged me, he took me out of my safe little box and showed me the world could be magnificent. He was everything I wasn’t, but somehow, together, there was a synergy, an alignment, something that just made sense, no matter how crazy it seemed to anyone else.
All these thoughts whirled around in my head while I showered. I imagined his hands sliding over my skin, his hands kneading my breasts, his hands teaching me what my body could do, and just the thought of it made my skin flush from top to toe.
And for two weeks, he was mine. Two weeks, and tonight.
I dressed carefully, but there was nothing overt. If he wanted low cut clothes and cleavage and sex appeal, there was Sorcha for that. But he hadn’t chosen her, he’d chosen me. Somehow, this beautiful, baffling boy wanted me.
I felt calm as I walked down the street to the carnival field. I passed the same carnie as the day before. Instead of giving me a hard time, he just winked and waved me inside.
But when I found Kes, he surprised me again. He was shirtless—which seemed to be the norm for him these days—and he was wearing a bandana over his hair, presumably to stop sweat dripping into his eyes. That wasn’t what surprised me. I was used to seeing Kes hot and sweaty: working with the ponies, mucking out the trailer, practicing in the ring, but today he was bent over the hood of Dono’s truck, wrestling with something in the engine.
The muscles tensed in his arms, and he cursed as a wrench went flying from his hand.
“Good morning to you, too!”
He stood up quickly and hit the back of his head against the hood.
“Ow! Fuck!” he yelped.
I couldn’t help giggling.
He turned around, a rueful smile on his face.
“Don’t tell me you’re a mechanic, too!” I said.
“Okay, I won’t.”
“Seriously, do you know what you’re doing?”
He grinned. “Pretty much. Older model engines are fairly simple.”
I cocked my head to one side and smiled at him. “You never cease to amaze me.”
His smile grew even larger. “Come here,” he whispered.
“No way!” I laughed, dancing out of reach. “Your hands are covered in grease.”
He wiggled his fingers, and I squealed as he took a step forward. But Dono interrupted us.
“There’s a bottle of GoJo in the glove box,” he said pointedly.
Kes threw me a mischievous look and raised his eyebrows, but he didn’t argue with his grandpa, and went to clean his hands.
Dono sank into a deckchair and waved at the empty seat next to him. I perched on it nervously as Dono continued to stare at me.
“Kes is a good boy,” he said quietly. “Treat him right.”
My mouth fell open. I’d spent so much time questioning whether Kes was right for me, it had never occurred that anyone would ask if I was right for Kes.
“I will, sir. I promise.”
He nodded. “No need to call me sir.”
Kes returned wiping his hands on a rag. His eyes narrowed, and I wondered how much of the conversation he’d caught. He opened his mouth to speak, but Sorcha interrupted him. I was getting sick of her sudden entrances.
“We made the local paper, Kestrel,” she said, draping an arm around his neck and glaring at me.
I didn’t even pretend to like her, and I hated that she used Kes’s full name. I’d decided only I was allowed to do that. But I don’t think Kes liked it either, because he shrugged free from her and looked at the page she pointed to.
He smiled. “Yeah, great photo. That should bring in the crowds tonight.”
“Freakin’ A!” Sorcha crowed. “But read the last paragraph.”
Kes tensed instantly and Dono looked like he was going to say something, but I reacted without thinking. I snatched the newspaper out of Sorcha’s hand, scanning the story.
I caught Kes’s eye, seeing the flash of relief and gratitude. That was all the thanks I needed.
Sorcha was pissed.
“What’s your fucking problem?”
“Shut up,” I said casually. ?
??I’m reading.”
She started to say something else, but Dono quelled her with a look.
“Wow, Kes, this is amazing. It says, ‘An outstanding theatrical experience that set this jaded reviewer’s excitement-meter at 100. Totally unexpected in a small town carnival, it was fun, furious, sexy and sensational. You won’t see a better show this side of Vegas. Young Kes Donohue is a rising star and one to watch. See him now and you can say you saw him before he was famous.’”
I took a stuttering breath before I jumped up and down, squealing loudly.
Kes looked stunned and Dono merely nodded.
“Better get the spare seats set up for tonight, boy.”
I swear that underneath his bushy mustache Dono was smiling.
“Oh, it mentioned you, too, Sheila,” I smirked.
Sorcha’s face colored and she stalked away.
“What was all that about?” laughed Kes.
“They got her name wrong,” I grinned. “Poor Sheila.”
“You’re evil,” he murmured, pulling me into a hug and kissing me in full view of his grandpa.
“Seats, Kes!” snapped Dono.
After that, it was every carnie to the arena to put up a fourth side of bleachers. They didn’t usually need so many seats, but Dono was hoping the publicity would bring in more customers.
Everyone was so busy that I was put in charge of the ponies’ warm-up. Kes thrust Jacob Jones’ reins into my hand, along with the other two ponies, and I started walking them around the field to get them loosened up.
“Trot them, Aimee!” yelled a hot and sweaty Kes from the top of the bleachers’ scaffolding.
Muttering under my breath, I broke into a jog, towing the ornery animals after me. They didn’t want to be running in the hot sunshine anymore than I did, and soon all four of us were bad tempered and sweaty.
“Don’t tire them out!” Kes yelled, and I may have mumbled something very rude under my breath.
Sometimes there were two shows scheduled on a Saturday, depending on how busy it was. Wet weather killed off the whole carnival, but there wasn’t much chance of that today. The shows were usually slightly different, too: the afternoon show was more family friendly; and the evening show as dusk fell, that had the more dangerous, edgy tricks. The newspaper reporter had evidently seen the evening show, so Kes and Dono debated on how much of the darker material they should include.
But soon it was clear that a third show was going to be needed.
The tattooed carnie who usually ran the gate jogged over to Dono.
“Boss, I’ve sold out both shows already and they’re still coming. What do you want to do?”
Dono glanced up at Kes, his gaze questioning.
“I’m up for it,” Kes stated.
Dono nodded. “Do it.”
Kes slid down from the scaffolding, like some sort of sexy fireman, barely even looking at what he was doing. I had to grit my teeth as he dropped the thirty feet to the ground in a few seconds.
The day was brutal. By the end of the second performance, the ponies were lathered with sweat and Sorcha looked like she needed to be wrung out. Jesse and Blake, the two guys who rode with Kes, had abandoned their black shirts after the first show. But because Kes was the focus, he’d had the bulk of the work. He looked exhausted and had suffered a slight burn on his left hand because of a mistimed throw from Sorcha. To be fair, I could see that she felt really bad about it, cooing over him, and rubbing his shoulder. What that had to do with a burn on his hand, I had no idea. I marched over with the First Aid kit, made sure his skin was clean, then covered it with an anti biotic gel and a thin sheet of saran wrap to protect it.
Sorcha threw me a look. I would have said something, but Kes definitely didn’t need the aggravation of two girls bickering.
When he stood up to give the ponies their cool down, I pushed him back into his seat.
“You need a rest,” I said. “I’ll walk Jacob Jones and the others.”
He started to protest.
“Look,” I said forcefully, “you’re tired already and you can’t afford any more mistakes tonight. Take. A. Rest.”
He grinned tiredly, his mouth twisting up in a lopsided smile.
“I kind of like you bossy.”
“Good,” I said. “Get used to it.”
I gathered up the reins and walked the three ponies in a slow circle. Mr. Albert joined me, riding on Jacob Jones and chattering away.
I was surprised when several people came over to talk to me, assuming that I was with the carnival. I’d lived in this town my whole life, but suddenly I felt like I belonged.
I answered their questions confidently, only faltering when a little boy asked me how long it took to learn to breathe fire. His mother looked horrified, so I lectured him about how it took years and wasn’t something he should try at home, ever. The hypocrite in me was surely going to burn in Hell, but his mom looked grateful and quickly dragged him away.
Lots of girls my age and older were hanging around, too, hoping for a glimpse of Kes. I may have let Jacob Jones tread on their toes as I strolled past, but one bolder girl thrust a piece of paper in my hand.
“The guy without the shirt—give him my number.”
My jaw dropped, and I stared at her in amazement as she winked at me and walked away. A cold feeling trickled through me. Was this how it was for Kes? Girls throwing themselves at him everywhere he went?
But then I drew back my shoulders and ordered myself to woman-up. If Kes wanted a casual hookup, he could easily have had it by now. If he just wanted sex on tap, he could have that with Sorcha. But he didn’t: he wanted me.
The third show went even better and the crowd was wild. Kes gave it everything, and even Sorcha stayed focused. People cheered and stamped so hard the bleachers shook and trembled. Kes and the guys had to return three times for an encore, and Sorcha smiled so much, I thought her jaw was going to cramp.
Finally, Kes shook his head and gave up. His fans wanted him, but he was done.
Sweat poured from his body, so that the makeup was just a smear of black eyeliner giving him a scary Marilyn Manson appearance. His chest was heaving and his legs shook as he slid down from Jacob Jones.
I took the reins from him and quietly walked the three ponies, whose heads were heavy and hanging dejectedly. After twenty minutes, Dono came to find me and together we sponged them down and settled them for the night.
“The boy’s tuckered out,” Dono said, his lips barely moving as he spoke, as if every word were precious and he was afraid he’d lose one if he spoke carelessly. “He’s grateful for everything you’ve done today. He won’t say it, but he is.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I just nodded and gave him a small smile.
When I walked back to the RV, Kes was asleep in one of the deckchairs, his lips slightly parted, the flush of his exertion fading from his cheeks, leaving him looking uncharacteristically peaceful, and very young.
Sorcha was watching him, too, but I got the impression that she was really waiting for me. She sashayed over and planted her hands on her hips.
Her makeup was smeared in streaks and her hair was a tangled mess, but she still looked amazing. I really, really hated her.
“Another ten days and we’ll be gone,” she said, her tone conversational. “You think he wants you, but he doesn’t—not really. You represent all the things he’s never had: a house, a family, a regular life. But that’s not his reality and it never will be.” Her eyes pinned me. “He wasn’t born for a cage, surely even you can see that. He’ll never leave the carnival, he loves this life.”
“He loves me, too,” I murmured, any fight I had, leaking out of my voice.
Sorcha shrugged as she turned and walked away. “For now, but I’ll be the one to pick up the pieces.”
I hated that witch. I hated her like I’d never hated anyone, not even Camilla fucking Palmer, not even my father. It felt as if Sorcha’s words had cursed us, and I would never ever fo
rgive her for telling me the truth.
Since it was late, Zachary offered to walk me home. I felt a little awkward accepting his help because I wasn’t sure if Kes would like it.
“You’re quiet,” Zachary said. “I guess you’re tired; it’s been a long day for all of us. It was good, though.”
I nodded, but didn’t answer.
I could see him watching me from the corner of his eye.
“Did you guys have a fight?” he asked.
“No!” I snapped. “Why would you say that?”
“Sorry,” he mumbled. “You can tell me it’s none of my business … but you seem kind of upset.”
I sighed. “I’m sorry, too. I didn’t mean to bite your head off. It’s nothing really.”
“It must be something to make you look like your dog just died.”
I gave him a thin smile.
“Just some stuff Sorcha said.”
He laughed roughly. “Don’t listen to her. She’s been hitting on Kes ever since she joined the carnie this Spring.”
“He said she’d slept with half the guys here?”
I flushed when I realized Zachary could be one of her harem. Could girls have harems?
“Yeah, nearly that many,” he chuckled. “I’m not one of them in case you were wondering—she’s not my type … and she’s not Kes’s type either. She’d like to be—you saw him out there tonight. He shines so bright, he’s going to be a star. She’s not dumb, she can see that and she wants a part of it.”
“Maybe, maybe not, but she’ll be there when I’m not. I haven’t got a chance.”
Zachary touched my arm gently. “You want it easy? You want everything served up to you on a silver platter?” He shook his head. “Kes will never be easy, and the person who loves him won’t have it easy. But if he loves you back, it’ll be worth it, because he’ll love you with every part of him.” He looked down. “You’re lucky.”
“I’m not sure about that,” I said sadly. “Sometimes I think so, but at other times…”
Zachary looked at me knowingly. “Trust me: you’re lucky.”
I didn’t have the energy to argue, so I just nodded.
The house was quiet which meant everyone had gone to bed. I prayed that Dad hadn’t noticed my absence. I thought maybe I’d gotten away with it, because otherwise he’d have been waiting for me, no matter the late hour.