We spent a little while lazily swimming around the pool before going back to our room, showering then heading out to Downtown Disney. We perused the shop windows and even walked through a few of the shops before we both got hungry and decided to find food. I was so tired I couldn’t have told you where we ate, but the one beer I drank there had me nodding off. Noticing, Ellis said we could go another night to the bar he’d wanted to check out. Returning to our room, I passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow.
In the morning, we headed out to the park, and I can’t say that I’ve ever walked so much in my whole life, not in one day anyway. Then again, I can’t say that I've ever had so much fun crammed into such a short period of time. Ellis and I rode as many rides as we could, even the ones where we looked absolutely ridiculous. We stuffed our faces on all the cart food, which was heavenly, then jumped into another ride’s line. At the end of the day, my feet hurt, my back hurt, my head hurt but my face hurt the most from laughing at Ellis and his crazy antics, and luckily we had thought to pick up a disposable camera to fill with pictures of us having fun to remember the day.
That is exactly how the entire week was spent. Each day we would go to new rides or new restaurants and still hadn’t experienced all there was to experience, but by day seven, I could barely convince my body to get out the bed. It was worn out from all the running around and little rest. I was almost relieved when Ellis said that we would be leaving for North Carolina in the morning. I could use a day, or five, of doing nothing to recover from all the walking and being on the go non-stop all week. He laughed every time I’d say something along those lines, but I don’t think he realized I wasn’t kidding. I was exhausted.
Our last day was spent the same as the others, only this time I started to tell Ellis to ride rides by himself or that I’d wait in one spot while he went exploring because I just couldn’t make my overused body keep up with him anymore. That evening, when we got back to our room, I sat looking out our window that over looked the pool while Ellis showered off the sweat from the day.
“What are you looking at?” Ellis asked, walking over to me in a pair of loose shorts and a towel in his hand, drying his hair.
“The pool.” I gave him a sad smile. “The kids swimming.”
“We will have some one day. Don’t look so sad.” Ellis sat next to me on the chair’s arm. I looked up at him, then out at the kids and drew a deep breath. It was time to spill.
“No, Ellis. I can’t have kids. Ever. I had a hysterectomy a couple years ago.” I sighed and kept my eyes on the pool while waiting to hear his reaction. There, I'd finally just let it out.
“You did? Did you tell Patrick you had surgery?” Ellis asked, sounding surprised. I shook my head slowly.
“No. I didn’t tell anyone. I had my roommate at the time pick me up, and she helped me when I needed it, but I only told the people I absolutely had to. You know me, privacy is important to me.” I put my head in my hands as I leaned forward. “I was crushed at the time. It was the last thing I wanted to deal with, but I didn’t have any other option. They had to remove my uterus and that was that. No point in telling anyone since there was no one in my life that it really affected at the time.”
“It’s not that they removed your uterus, it’s that you had a fucking surgery and didn’t let anyone know!” Ellis ground his teeth as he tossed the towel in his hand across the room. “I swear you are too fucking stubborn and head strong sometimes. Let someone be there for you, damn it. You have so many people that love and worry about you, but you are so determined to push us away and do it all by yourself. Fuck what we want or how we feel, right? We don’t matter in the scheme of your life.”
“I don’t want to interfere with your lives.” I shrugged. “Just because my life is shit doesn’t mean I have to bring you down and make your life the same way. I always find a way through it, don’t I? You know, if it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger. That’s what they say, right?"
“That’s bullshit and you know it. Ryan, we want to be there, good or bad. To hold your hand through it all, to support you. You would do it for us, so why won’t you let us be there for you?” Ellis said after taking a few deep breaths and running his hand through his hair in aggravation. “Promise me that you won’t hide something like this again."
I lifted my head and looked back out toward the pool as I took a few fortifying breaths. “Well then, I guess I have another thing I’d like to share.”
“Okay.” Ellis drew the word out. I paced away from him, only to walk back to him. Twisting my hands together, I walked a few steps from him and took a deep breath.
“I have cancer.” I forced the words from my lips, and they came out as barely a whisper. The room was quiet, not one single sound after I uttered that single word that was life altering. The word I had been trying to deny.
“How long have you known?” Ellis asked after gathering his thoughts.
“A while.” I gave the simplest answer. I didn’t want to have to explain that right now.
“What type?”
“It’s called Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer. Stage Four.” I brushed a tear from my cheek as discreetly as I could. I hated even knowing those words, let alone speaking them out loud. It was only one of the handful of times I’d actually uttered the words out loud.
“No. That can’t be right. How do you have lung cancer? You don’t smoke. Never have, as far as I know. Aren’t you too young for cancer anyway?” Ellis asked from behind me, confusion clear in his voice. I wish I could give him better answers, the answers he wanted to hear. Instead, I gave him the truth.
“There is no age for cancer. I just pulled a short straw, I guess. The doctors think I may have got it from being around all the second hand smoke at club functions.” I focused on the facts. Thinking only about them helped me reel my emotions in.
“Wait, if you’ve known for some time that you had cancer, why haven’t you been getting treatments?”
“It’s a long story.” I wiped my cheek again as I stared at the floor.
“Explain. Now.” Ellis demanded walking in front of me. His voice was hard, but his touch was tender as he lifted my chin, his surprise filled eyes meeting my tear filled ones. It took me a few moments before I could gather my thoughts and push down my emotions; otherwise it would just come out in a babbling mess that he wouldn’t understand. I only wanted to have to say it once and get it over with.
“Okay. Initially, I was diagnosed three years ago. They had found that it wasn’t only in my lungs, but also my uterus. You see, the type I have is fast spreading and when they found it, it had already spread. They actually found it because I had uncontrollable bleeding. I had an emergency hysterectomy because I had lost so much blood. Once I recovered from the surgery, I got some chemo and radiation. I was fine. I received my treatments while doing light duty tasks so they wouldn’t kick me out of the military. For five months, I somehow made it all work. Once I completed my treatments, I busted my ass to get back into shape and return to my normal job. I had to fight them because they wanted to kick me out, but I proved that I was still able to complete all of my duties. Really, I returned to normal life after that. Then right as I was getting ready to get out, they did some final tests to be sure everything was okay. Only it wasn’t.” The words were coming out of my mouth on their own, like they’d been waiting for the chance to be spoken. I couldn’t look at Ellis even though he was standing right in front of me. I didn’t want to see his pity, it would just piss me off, so I continued. “They found a tumor in my lungs again. It was then that the doctor told me that the type of cancer I have is reoccurring, not staying in remission for long before coming back. Living in the situation that I was at the time, I refused treatment and came home to burn up my leave. My doctor and I spoke many times about it; he tried to get me to change my mind. Eventually he gave up and hoped that Patrick would be able to convince me to get treatments again. Or Jeremiah. Those who knew about my situation assumed that I told everyone back home a
bout it, but I never brought it up. Jeremiah hadn’t been around the first go round and I certainly wasn’t going to tell him with the second diagnosis. I have until I get to DC to make up my mind. I have to either sign my release paperwork from the military and be done with everything, no treatments, nothing; Or I can start up my treatments and the military will let me stay until they are done. It is up to me which route I decide to take.”
“And which route are you going to take? Wait. Why am I even asking?” He fisted his hands in his hair in frustration as he tried to process everything I had just thrown at him. “You are taking treatment, there is no other option.” Ellis cupped my cheek, brushing away my tears with his thumb. “You have to.”
“I don’t know. Ellis, I just don’t know.” I cried throwing my hands over my face as I turned away from him again. I hated that all these unwanted emotions were taking over. “You have no idea what it’s like.”
Ellis came in front of me and gathered me in his arms, holding me tight. “I know, baby. I know, but you can’t just give up. You can’t just give in and let cancer win."
“There is so much more. Damn it. Ellis, you don’t know how much I’ve hidden away. I’ve tried for so long to not depend on anyone else.” I held onto his shirt. “Now I feel like all the walls of my perfectly constructed life are all caving in. It all worked so good until you came along and started knocking over all the false fronts I had."
“Ryan, I only ever wanted to make you realize what a wonderful, beautiful, smart woman you are. I didn’t want to hurt you or make you uncomfortable. I certainly didn’t know you were hiding away secrets like this from all of us. It makes me mad that none of us caught onto it sooner, none of us knew that something so serious was going on.” Ellis shook his head in disbelief as he held me tightly to him. “Damn it, Ryan. First that shit with Jeremiah, now this. You can’t hide everything.”
“You wouldn’t have known, I made sure of that. I had my roommate lie and say that I was on vacation or out on a mission when I was sick. Then shortly after I finished all my treatments, Jeremiah and I started dating and it was just another excuse while I got myself back together to not be in contact.” A shiver ran down my back as I thought of Jeremiah. “He was a person who came into my life trying to hurt me. He raped me. That much I know. Thanks to Sludge. Did you know I got knocked up from the rape? Yeah. That's what started the whole thing. He raped me, then a few weeks later I had this ‘period’ from hell and it just wouldn’t end. I had horrible cramps. I had a feeling I knew what it was so I went to one of those unexpected parent places. They did their testing and confirmed that I was indeed pregnant and my body was miscarrying. Told me that I had to wait a few weeks and that my body would naturally expel the ‘pregnancy’ on its own. Two weeks came and went. I’m stubborn so I held out until four weeks had passed, the bleeding hadn’t stopped. When I finally went in, that’s when they said it wasn’t just a lost pregnancy."
“Fuck.” Ellis swore, but I tried to ignore him and just get it all out since I was finally talking.
“They looked and found multiple lesions on my uterus. In order to stop the bleeding, they removed the whole uterus so, no, I will never have a chance of having children. Then I underwent months of chemotherapy and radiation to my lungs to remove the tumor.” I sighed and looked into Ellis’s eyes. “It was horrible. I was extremely sick during the treatments. I still worked somehow. Funny, you don’t know what you are capable of until you have to. At the time, I said I would never go through the treatments again. That was even before they told me that it would likely be coming back, again and again.”
“Things have changed. Now you aren’t doing it alone. You have me. You have Patrick. We will be there for you.” Ellis forced my face to his chest as he wrapped his arms tightly around me.
“I know, I know. When I first made the decision to not go through treatments, you have to think about what life was like for me. I was living with Jeremiah and his temper tantrums. I knew that he would never let me go without a fight. I had planned to come home and get in my final goodbyes to everyone, then go to DC, sign my discharge paperwork then disappear. I was going to travel until I couldn’t and then just find somewhere peaceful to pass.” I sighed, feeling like I had just had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Everything I had been carrying around was out, and it felt good.
“You were just going to disappear like that? What about what everyone else wanted?” Ellis pulled me back with his hands on my shoulders.
“Sure, I was being selfish, but the only person that has to get the treatments, the only person who has to feel like their own body is trying to kill them from the inside, is me. It’s me that has to puke all the time. It’s me that has to deal with everything tasting like cardboard. Me that has to live like a hermit because of the risk of infection.” With each sentence, my voice broke more and tears rolled faster down my cheeks. “While I care about everyone else getting their say and want them to be happy, it is me that has to deal with everything. I can’t pass off any of those things to you or anyone else to handle, no matter how much you want to be there for me.”
“I would take your place in a heartbeat if I could, you know I would. I will be here for every single second while you go through it. Not for one minute will you have to handle it alone. Just don’t give in. Fight this fucker. I need you. I love you. I have to have you in my life." Ellis pleaded. I could hear the tears in his voice, but couldn’t bring myself to meet his face.
“Don’t you get it? This is why I didn’t want to tell anyone. I told you from the start that we would only be together until I got to DC. You agreed, Ellis. You agreed to NOT get attached.” I could feel my own heart cracking, but it had to be this way. “Ellis, I can’t do this anymore. We are over. I just wanted you to know everything. I didn’t want to disappear on you, and have you think it was some other reason. I made my decision long ago, and I’m sticking with it.”
I stepped back from Ellis and gently touched my fingers to his wet cheeks. I wanted to give in. I wanted to say I’d do anything he wanted, just to see his beautiful smile again. I wanted to do so many things, but as usual, I had to do what I had to do. I leaned up on my toes and placed a soft kiss on his cheek.
“I’m sorry, Ellis. I know one day you’ll find someone that is so much better for you. Someone that deserves the incredible person you are under your tough exterior, but I am not that person.” I forced a smile to my lips before grabbing my bag from near the door where I’d placed it, knowing what I was going to do before Ellis ever came out of the bathroom. As soon as I was out of the room, I ran down the hall and down the stairs to my bike. I jumped on, brushed away my tears and then peeled out of the parking lot.
I sped along the freeway as fast as my bike would carry me. Driving until I was struggling to keep my eyes open from exhaustion, I finally stopped at a small roadside hotel. After tossing and turning for a few hours, I gave up on getting any sleep and got back on the road. Stopping to buy a couple energy drinks and fill up, I chugged one, then headed out again. The drive should have been beautiful, it was right along the beach, but I was too intent to get away from the painful emotions I didn’t want to feel. I stopped and refueled with another energy drink after a couple hours. There was only a few more hours until I reached DC. I could do it, thanks to the caffeine and sugar rush fueling me.
I checked into a hotel not far from the base. I still had over a week before I was supposed to show up to sign my paperwork. Picking up a little packet with Tylenol PM tablets from the gas station with a bottle of water, I planned to escape from life for a while. I wasn’t hungry, even though I hadn’t eaten since dinner two days ago with Ellis, but I did have another horrible headache. Popping the tablets in my mouth, I took a huge swig of the water to wash them down. Hopefully after some sleep my head would feel better and my chest wouldn’t feel like I had ripped out my heart and left it behind with Ellis. These damn headaches were getting ridiculous. Seemed like I had a headache more often than
not. Praying for some refuge from my own mind, I laid in the bed and pulled the blankets over my tired body.
Thanks to the sleep inducing pills, I finally fell asleep. When I woke six hours later, my head felt a bit better at least. Taking a hot shower, I felt clean and a tiny bit more relaxed. Returning to bed, I stared at the ceiling. So many thoughts were running through my head; I didn’t even know how to pick one to focus on. I didn't want to have to go through it all over again; the surgery, the chemo, the radiation, and everything else. I didn’t want Ellis and my brother to suffer from losing me, but I didn’t want them to watch me suffer either. I just wanted to bury my head in the sand and continue pretending that everything was fine, but I had come to the end of that time. I had to make my decision, time to stop putting it off. No matter what I decided, I realized, I was scared of how it would go. I didn’t want to have to go through this all again, only to have to go through it all again in a couple years. I didn't want to go off and die alone, but I knew that I couldn’t handle letting my brother and Ellis watch me slowly die either.
Interrupting those happy thoughts, a knock sounded on the door. Not expecting a delivery or anyone, I looked through the peephole. I jumped back from the door when I saw it was Ellis on the other side. He pounded on the door this time.
“Open the door, Ryan. I know you are in there.” Ellis called out before knocking again. “I’m not going away until you open the door and talk to me.”
“No. Go away.” I shouted back impulsively. Damn it, now he really knew I was there.
“Ryan, don’t be stupid. Just open the door.” Ellis pounded against the door, hard enough I worried the door was going to break off the hinges. I sighed and stepped up to the door. Taking a deep breath, I unlocked the door and swung it wide open for him to enter.
“How did you find me?” I asked before he could say anything.
“You used your credit card to pay for the room. It wasn’t hard to find you.” Ellis shrugged. “Now since you left without giving me a chance to fully process what you were throwing at me, it’s your turn to listen to what I have to say.”