“What kind, Aunt Flo?” I asked very nervous. “What kind of bad news?”
“Oh dear. I don’t really know how to tell you this, Junie B. But…well, Joe and I have already chosen a flower girl for the wedding, honey. And, uh, I’m afraid it’s not you.”
I did a gulp.
“Who are you afraid it is?” I asked even quieter.
“It’s Bo,” said Aunt Flo.
“Bo?”
“Bo is Joe’s little sister,” said Aunt Flo.
“Joe?”
“Joe is the man I’m marrying,” said Aunt Flo. “Joe asked Bo.”
“Oh,” I whispered.
Just then, my eyes got tears in them.
“I gotta go,” I said.
After that, my nose started to run very much.
And I hanged up the phone.
6/The Alternate
The rest of the day was not that enjoyable.
I got in big trouble.
’Cause Aunt Flo tattletaled to Grampa
Miller. And Grampa Miller tattletaled to Daddy. And Daddy tattletaled to Mother.
And Mother made a big issue of it at dinner.
A big issue is the grown-up word for Mother keeps yelling and yelling and she won’t let the matter drop.
“It was wrong, Junie B. Jones,” she said. “It was wrong to disobey your grandfather. And it was wrong to invite yourself to be in Aunt Flo’s wedding.”
I sat up a little straighter.
“Flo,” I said kind of soft. “F-l-o spells Flo.”
Mother sucked in her cheeks.
“Yes…well, we’re all thrilled that you’re learning to spell. But this isn’t about spelling, Junie B. This is about disobeying your grandfather.”
I hanged my head way down.
“But I wanted to be a flower girl real bad,” I said. “I wanted to wear a long dress and show you I’m a grown-up lady.”
Mother did a frown. “I’m sorry, but that’s no excuse,” she said.
After that, I slumped way far over at the table. Only too bad for me. ’Cause my head got too close to my plate. And my hair got gravy on it.
I stared and stared at my gravy hair.
“Today is not actually going that well,” I said to just myself.
Just then, the phone rang.
Mother answered it.
Oh no!
It was Aunt Flo!
And she wanted to talk to me!
Mother handed me the phone.
I shook my head real fast.
“No, thank you. I don’t actually care to speak to her at this time,” I said.
But Mother kept on shoving the phone at me. And so I didn’t have a choice.
My insides felt shaky and nervous.
“H…h… hello?”
“Why, hello, yourself!” said Aunt Flo.
Her voice sounded jolly.
“I’m sorry about what happened today, Junie B.,” she said. “But I’ve got some good news for you. How would you like to be the alternate flower girl? Do you know what an alternate is?”
I shook my head no.
“An alternate is like a substitute, sort of,” she said. “Like if Bo gets sick and she can’t be in the wedding…you will step in and be the flower girl! Do you understand, honey?”
Just then, I felt a little bit happier inside.
“I do, Aunt Flo. I do understand,” I said.
“But wait,” said Aunt Flo. “I haven’t even told you the best part yet! Because even if Bo doesn’t get sick, we still want you to sit with the bridesmaids at the reception! How does that sound?”
My eyes got biggish and widish.
“Perfect! It sounds perfect!” I said real squealy.
I jumped down from my chair.
“Hey, Aunt Flo! This means I can still wear a long dress, right? And who knows? Maybe Bo will even give me a couple of flower petals for my very own!”
I kept on getting happier and happier.
“Thank you, Aunt Flo! Thank you for making me the alternate flower girl! ’Cause this day turned out happier than I thought!”
After that, I quick hanged up the phone.
And I zoomed all around the house like a rocket!
Also, I did a cartwheel!
And I standed on my head!
’Cause now Mother will get to see what a grown-up lady I really, really am!
7/Hope
Mother bought me a beautiful dress for the wedding.
It had golden puffery sleeves. And it came all the way to the floor.
Also, she bought me fancy pantyhose with glimmery shimmers on them. And brand-new shiny gold shoes.
I could not thank that woman enough!
I thanked her the whole time I was in the store.
“Thank you, Mother!” I said. “Thank you for my beautiful dress! Thank you for my fancy pantyhose! And thank you, thank you for my shiny gold shoes!”
I smiled real big.
“Now all I need is my blue fake bunny fur cape. And I will be all set!”
Mother shook her head.
“Oh no. No way,” she said. “We’ve spent quite enough for one day.”
I looked and looked at that woman. ’Cause she has no fashion sense, apparently.
“Yes, but I have to have a blue fake bunny fur cape, Mother,” I said. “Lucille says a blue fur cape adds elegance to any outfit. Lucille says—”
Mother interrupted my words. Her voice sounded scary in my ear.
“I don’t care what Lucille says,” she grouched. “No…fur…cape.”
I quick backed up from her.
“All rightie then,” I said kind of nervous.
After that, I helped carry my bags to the car. And I behaved myself all the way home.
Then I runned to my house with all my beautiful things. And I tried my flower girl dress on for Daddy.
And guess what else?
I walked all the way down the hall!
And I didn’t even trip!
Daddy gave me a thumbs-up.
“What a perfect flower girl you are!” he said real proud.
“Thank you,” I said. “Only I’m not the real flower girl. Remember, Daddy? I’m just the alternate.”
Just then, my shoulders drooped a teeny bit. And I didn’t feel that happy anymore.
’Cause at first you’re very, very glad to be the alternate.
And after that…
You’re not.
That night after dinner, Mother tucked me in bed real snug.
She kissed me good-night on my head.
“Yeah, only don’t turn out my light yet. ’Cause I forgot to do something very important,” I said.
After that, I quick got out of bed again. And I looked out my window.
“Star light, star bright. First star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might…have the wish I wish tonight.”
I crossed my fingers for luck.
“Dear Star, Please make Bo sick for Aunt Flo’s wedding. Love, your friend, Junie B. Jones.”
I hopped back in my bed.
Mother’s eyes got big and wide at me.
“No, Junie B.! Absolutely not!” she said. “We do not wish for people to get sick. You go back to that window. And you change that wish right now.”
I raised up my eyebrows at her.
“Yeah, only how can I change it? It already got sent,” I explained.
“Fine,” said Mother. “Then go back to the window and wish a nicer wish on top of it.”
She snapped her fingers and pointed.
“Now, Junie B. I mean it.”
I got out of bed real slow.
Then I walked to the window again.
And I looked at my same star.
“Dear Star, Mother says not to make Bo sick. And so maybe you could just give her a case of head lice and that’s all. Thank you and good night.”
Mother shook her head.
“No, Junie B.,” she said. “No, no, no.”
I did a mad breath.
“But head lice doesn’t even hurt, Mother,” I said back. “Head lice just takes a little extra shampoo. And that’s all.”
But Mother kept on shaking her head. And she made me change my wish again.
“Okay, Star, never mind the whole dumb thing. Only now I won’t be a flower girl for my whole entire life, probably. And so I hope my mother is happy. Amen.”
After that, I got back in my bed. And Mother turned out my light.
After she left, I did a big sigh.
“Shoot. That lice idea was a beaut,” I said real soft.
Just then, my stuffed elephant named Philip Johnny Bob tapped on me.
Don’t feel bad, he said. You might still get to be the flower girl.
“Yeah, only how?” I asked him.
He thought and thought.
Maybe Bo’s daddy will be driving her to the wedding. And their car will get stacked at a railroad crossing. And the train will be a million bajillion miles long, he said.
I felt a little perkier at that idea.
“Hey, yeah,” I said. “Or else maybe his car might get stucked in something else. Like in some ooey gooey mud. Or in a traffic jam. Or in…or in…”
Or in a giant paddle of Krazy Glue! said Philip Johnny Bob.
After that, me and him laughed and laughed.
Then I hugged that guy very tight.
’Cause he’s always giving me hope.
8/A Little Tussle
Aunt Flo’s wedding took forever to get here. I waited for my whole entire life, practically.
Then, one day at breakfast, Mother told me a happy surprise.
“Well, tomorrow is the big day!” she said.
And so what do you know!
MY VERY FIRST WEDDING WAS ALMOST HERE!!!
That night, I could hardly even sleep.
I got up bright and early in the morning.
Then Mother came in my room. And she decorated my hair with a green velvet ribbon. And she helped me get dressed in my flower girl clothes.
Pretty soon, a lady came to babysit for Ollie.
Then me and Mother and Daddy got in our car. And we rode to the church together.
And guess what? There was a million bajillion people there already!
I hurried up the steps.
Then I stood on my tippytoes. And I looked all around for Bo.
“Where is she, Mother? Where is Bo? Is she sick, do you think? Did her car get stucked in Krazy Glue? I don’t see her anywhere! And so maybe I will be the flower girl after all!”
Mother smoothed my hair very nice.
“Honey, I’ve already talked to Aunt Flo today,” she said. “And Bo is feeling fine. She’s probably getting dressed with the bridesmaids.”
Mother smiled.
“Let’s be happy for her, okay?”
I didn’t say anything back. ’Cause what’s to be happy about? That’s what I would like to know.
After that, all of us went inside. And a man named Usher holded out his arm. And he walked Mother to her church seat.
Me and Daddy followed them down the aisle.
And guess what? I still didn’t trip!
Three ladies smiled at me.
I smiled back.
“HELLO, LADIES! SEE HOW GOOD I AM WALKING DOWN THIS AISLE? TOO BAD I’M NOT THE FLOWER GIRL, RIGHT?”
My voice sounded loud in the church.
I like that kind of loud voice.
After I got to my seat, I smoothed my dress very nice.
And guess who I saw?
I saw my Grandma Helen Miller!
She was sitting right in front of me!
I tapped on her head.
“GRANDMA MILLER! IT’S ME! IT’S YOUR GRANDGIRL, JUNIE B. JONES! LOOK HOW GROWN-UP I AM BEING, HELEN!”
Then Grandma smiled and winked. And she said don’t call her Helen.
After that, the organ started to play real loud. And everybody stood up.
Then all of us looked at the back of the church.
And what do you know?
I SAW BO!
She was walking right down the aisle! And she was throwing pink flower petals on the floor!
It looked like fun, I tell you!
My heart got pumpy and poundy inside. ’Cause Bo was coming in my direction!
And so that’s how come a great idea popped into my head. And it’s called Hey! Maybe Bo wouldn’t mind if I took one or two petals out of her basket and threw them! ’Cause that would be fair of her, I think!
Bo kept getting closer and closer and closer.
And then, all of a sudden…
SHE WAS RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!
I quick reached for her flower basket!
“NO!” shouted Bo.
“YES!” I shouted back.
Then I tried to take some petals out of the basket. But Bo pulled it away from me. And so that’s how come I had to pull it right back again. And then me and her got into a little tussle.
Little tussle is the grown-up word for how come she just won’t let go of the darned thing!
Then, all of a sudden, my mother reached over. And she pulled my hands right off of the basket.
Her face was steamy mad.
I did a gulp.
“Hello. How are you today?” I said kind of shaky. “I am fine. Only I just wanted two little petals. But that plan did not work out, apparently. And so now I will just behave myself for the rest of the wedding, I think.”
After that, I smoothed my skirt.
And I fluffed my hair.
And I acted like my best grown-up lady.
9/Loose Feet
After the church, everybody went to the reception.
The reception is a big, giant room where you sit at tables. And you listen to loud music. And you eat food and cake.
And then wait till you hear this! The bridesmaids’ table was the longest table in the whole entire place!
I runned right to the end of that hugie thing. And guess what? There was a teensy card with my name printed on it!
“Here! Here! I am sitting here!” I hollered to Mother.
Just then, I saw Aunt Flo.
She was coming over with Bo.
“Uh-oh,” I said very nervous.
Then I quick hided behind Mother’s skirt.
But Aunt Flo didn’t even look mad! She bended down next to me in her beautiful wedding gown. And she held my hand real nice.
“Junie B., honey? I didn’t see what happened in the church. But Bo said you tried to take her basket. Is that true?”
I shook my head very fast.
“No, Aunt Flo. I didn’t try to take her whole entire basket. I promise. I just wanted two teensy petals and that’s all,” I said.
I held up two fingers.
“Just this many, Aunt Flo. Just two. ’Cause Bo got all the rest of the petals. And so two would be fair of her, I think.”
Aunt Flo looked at Bo.
“Bo, honey? Did you hear that? Junie B. only wanted two little flower petals.”
Bo looked shy at me.
Then, all of a sudden, she reached into her basket. And she gave me two petals!
I smiled real big.
“Hey! That is a nice gesture of you, Bo!” I said.
After that, Bo smiled back at me. And Aunt Flo put us in our chairs.
Bo asked me how old I am.
I sat up straight and tall.
“I am almost six,” I said very proud.
Bo did a sad sigh.
“Poo,” she said. “I’m only five. I’m always the littlest. Always, always, always.”
I patted her arm very understanding.
“Don’t worry, little Bo. Someday you will be a grown-up lady, just like me,” I said.
Bo did a teeny frown.
“You’re not a grown-up lady,” she said.
“Yes, I am so a grown-up lady, Bo!” I said back. “Just ask my mother if you don’t believe me. ’Cause I acted grown-up for the whole entire wedding, almost.”
Just then, I quick put my napkin in my lap.
“See this, Bo? See how I am putting this napkin in my lap? If I was a baby, I would tuck it in my collar. But grown-up ladies put them in their laps.”
I sat up even taller.
“And see how straight and tall I am sitting? This is how grown-up ladies sit,” I said. “We never slouch and slump.”
After that, I sat very still. And I didn’t move a muscle.
“Now look at me, Bo,” I said out of the corner of my mouth. “See how still I am sitting? I am not even squirming. On account of grown-up ladies do not get ants in their pants, that’s why.”
I folded my hands very polite.
“Now I am folding my hands very polite. And I am waiting for my food.”
Bo kept on looking at me.
“The end,” I said.
After that, I kept sitting there a real long time.
That’s how come Bo got tired of looking at me. And she started playing with her spoon.
She clinked it on her water glass.
Also, she clinked it on her plate. And her knife. And her head.
“Grown-up ladies do not clink their spoons,” I said.
Bo shrugged her shoulders at me.
After that, she made a puppet out of her napkin. And she made it bite my nose.
“Hey!” I said very surprised.
Then I quick did a frown.
“Grown-up ladies do not play with their napkins,” I said.
After that, I did a big sigh. ’Cause my food was taking a million thousand years, that’s why.
Finally, my legs started to get stiffish and tightish.
Also, I got an ant in my pant.
And my foot went to sleep.
That is how come I had to hop down from my chair. And I stamped my foot on the floor.
“Sometimes ladies have to stamp their sleeping feet,” I explained to Bo. “It is perfectly acceptable to do this.”
After that, I shaked my foot all around. But it still did not wake up.
I looked at Bo.
“Okay. Here’s the thing. Sometimes ladies have to skip around the table to get their blood pumping,” I said.
“Really?” said Bo.
“Yes,” I said. “Trust me. I know what I’m doing.”
After that, I started to skip around the table. Only too bad for me. ’Cause my new shoes hurt my heels a real lot. Plus also my fancy pantyhose drooped all the way down to my knees.