Patricia’s voice wobbled out of her. “I’m so, so sorry, Jon. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” She wiped away the stream of tears cascading down her face. “I’m not Nora. If you’ll just see—”
“I see fine,” Jon interrupted her. “I see a strong, intelligent, beautiful, fun-loving woman who is hell-bent on destroying herself, even if she doesn’t realize it yet.”
“No, that’s not who I am,” she argued. It felt like a fist had taken hold of her heart and was squeezing it. She could hardly breathe.
“That’s exactly who you are,” Jon said, backing away. “And I can’t stand around and watch it happen. I have to focus on taking care of me. I have to save myself.” Regret flashed in his eyes. “I’m glad you’re okay. Take care of yourself, Patricia.”
“Jon, wait. Wait!” Patti scrambled off the bed, grappling with the bundle of wires attached to her, but she was unable to get free. “Jon!” she shouted, but he didn’t answer. The curtains fluttered in his wake. Patti fell to her knees and cried as quietly as she could manage.
That was the second time Jon had left her in as many days.
He hadn’t even given her the chance to share the good news.
***
The good doctor hadn’t lied. After getting a brief ultrasound to make sure everything was intact, the nurse provided her with a blurry sonogram she referred to as “Baby’s First Photo.” Patti took her word for it that her baby was in there somewhere and, armed with a stack of paperwork, called Jules.
“I can’t believe you’re pregnant,” Jules screeched in her ear. “I can’t believe you let him ride bareback! Didn’t your parents teach you anything? Does eighth grade Health class ring any bells?”
The moment Jules found out her friend was in the hospital, she was by her side. Patti was grateful for her friend, but she was seriously wondering what she was thinking when she had called her, of all people, when she knew that this would happen.
For the last twenty-seven minutes Patti had been subjected to all manner of questions, most of them humiliating and questioning her level of stupidity, which, according to Jules, ranked somewhere on the level of Neanderthal, but she insisted that even with their small, prehistoric minds, they had more common sense than she did.
“I know about contraceptives,” Patti said glumly. “We just forgot to use them I guess.”
“You forgot?” If at all possible, Jules’ voice had raised another octave. Patti was fairly sure that by the time the car ride was over, she would have lost a good portion of her hearing. “Patricia Jacobs, what would your mother say?”
“She’d tell me to suck it up and get a job because she didn’t raise a quitter.”
“I would slap you, but I make it a point not to hit pregnant women.” Jules glared at her. “I just don’t even know what to say right now.”
Patti turned to look out the window. “Then don’t say anything.”
And she didn’t. They spoke not a word the rest of the way to her house, which were both a blessing and a curse. It meant that Patti had way too much time on her hands to think of how her life had taken so many turns in so little time. It was nauseating. Or maybe that was the pregnancy hormones kicking in?
Once Jules had her inside and in her own bed, tucked under the blankets, fussing over her like a mother hen, Patti felt like she’d aged twenty years.
“I hope you don’t mind if I take off,” Jules told her as she walked back into the room with a glass of water and a couple of aspirin for her aches and pains. “I have so much to do tomorrow to get ready for Piper’s baby shower this Friday, which you are coming to, right?” She directed a pointy fingernail at Patti’s face and arched a thin brow, daring her to find an excuse.
“I wasn’t aware she was having one.”
Jules rolled her eyes. “I sent you an invitation days ago. You were probably too busy screwing Jonny Boy’s brains out to even notice.”
“Touché.” Reaching for the pills and glass, Patti dumped both down her throat. “Of course I’ll be there.”
“I know you will. So,” she clapped her hands together and an excited look stole across her face. “What are we going to name this kid?”
“I’m barely pregnant,” Patti laughed. “I haven’t even gotten a chance to think about it.”
“Yeah, I guess I can see your point. But, if it’s a girl, I vote for Jules.”
“We’ll see.”
Crossing the room, her friend enveloped her in a hug. “I love you, momma.”
“Love you, too.”
Jules patted her stomach. “Bye, baby! Call me if you need anything.” She waved as she walked toward the door. “Can you believe I’m going to be an auntie?” She squealed and danced out of the room.
“Can you believe I’m going to be a mom?” Patti asked herself, looking down at her flat stomach. Other than her best friend, she didn’t have anyone to share her joy. At least, not the one person she wanted to share it with most.
She had a whole other person growing inside of her, but she had never felt more alone in her life.
***
Jon sat at his parents’ dining room table wondering what the hell he was doing there. His sister, Casey, had brought her boyfriend home with her to meet everyone. There was an understanding between him and his father that all boyfriends, foreign or domestic, had to go through the Bradshaw test before he could be welcomed into the family with open arms. Unfortunately, only one person had ever passed that test, and he was married and expecting his first child in a matter of days.
Jon looked up to catch his father sending him a curious look. “Are you okay, son?”
Jon stabbed his fork into the mound of mashed potatoes smothered in butter and sour cream, and shoveled it into his mouth. He passed his father a droll look. “I’m fine.”
He noticed then that everyone had stopped talking to look at him. Swallowing his food, he took a long drink of milk to wash it down with, and then turned his steely blue eyes to Mike, his old pal, who was likely screwing his sister, and asked him, “So, what are your intentions with Casey?”
Mike cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable with the shift in conversation. Jon wished he knew what they’d been talking about before…actually, he didn’t. He wasn’t even in the mood to be delivering the third degree, but a promise was a promise, even if it were pulled from him at the ripe age of eight upon having a squirming baby girl thrust in his arms.
“You’re going to help your dad look out for your little sister, right? Help me make sure she finds a boy worthy of being called a Bradshaw?”
He wanted to laugh at the memory, because as much as Mike had hung around as a teenager, he didn’t think the guy knew the first thing about his family. If he passed the test, if down the road he decided to marry his sister, Casey wouldn’t become a Sawyer. Rather, Mike would become a Bradshaw. His father was very serious about passing down the family name.
The guy had his work cut out for him. The question was, how bad did he want his sister?
“I know it’s probably come as a bit of a shock that we’re dating,” Mike started. He leaned to the side and pecked Casey on the lips. “But I love her.”
Jon stared openly, galled by the open display of affection. How dare he molest his sister right in front of them? His jaw clenched. “You’ve been dating for, what, all of a month?”
“Two, actually,” Casey chirped, shooting Mike an affectionate smile.
“Oh, two?” Jon’s eyebrows shot up in mock surprise. “Well, I stand corrected. So, Mike, since you and my sister are so clearly in love, and have spent two whole months fostering it, I assume that you’ll be buying a ring soon?”
Mike coughed into his fist. “Well, I thought we’d wait a little while before we decide to make any big decisions.”
“But I thought you were in love? Why wait? You’re not getting any younger.”
Jon’s mother leaned across the table and covered his hand with hers. “Sweetie, are you feeling all right?”
“Why does everyone keep asking me that?” Jon questioned to no one in particular. His grip on the fork tightened. “I’m fine.”
“Actually, your father is the only one who’s asked, but you look stressed. Is everything okay at work?”
“Work is great. I thought we were here to interview Casey’s boyfriend of the month.”
“What?” Casey gasped. “Is that what you’re doing?”
“Oh don’t act so surprised,” Jon snapped, glaring daggers at his sister. He almost couldn’t stomach looking at her rosy cheeks or her jubilant smile or the damn sparkles she had in her eyes every time she cast a coy look at his former friend. “You’ve known since day one what these dinners were all about.”
“Jon,” his father said sternly. “Enough.”
“What? We didn’t even get to the good parts yet,” Jon protested.
“Jon, what is the matter with you?” Casey asked, looking hurt.
He blinked, realizing how on edge he felt. “I’m sorry. I’m not feeling myself today. If you’ll excuse me.” He got up from the table and headed for the front door before he said anything else he’d regret. He never should have come tonight. His mood wasn’t right for any of this, and he wasn’t fit to be around people. The past few days had been torture for him. Without Patricia to look forward to, everything looked bleak, dull, lifeless. Pointless. He knew he was falling into a depression, but he wasn’t inclined to try to pull himself out of it this time.
How was he supposed to trudge through the days when he didn’t even care if he woke up in the morning?
“Jon?” His mother called out to him, jogging toward the truck.
Jon settled himself behind the wheel and closed the door. He wasn’t in the mood for the lecture he knew was coming, or a heart-to-heart, or anything else she might have in mind. All he wanted to do was go home, crawl in to bed and sleep. He was so unbelievably tired.
Setting her foot on the runner board, she pulled herself up and propped her arms on the open window frame. “What happened in there?”
Jon stared blankly out the windshield. “Just what I was asked to do.”
She shook her head. “No, whatever that was, it had nothing to do with your sister. I’m worried about you, sweetie. You look so tired, and I think you’ve lost some weight.” She paused. “Does this have anything to do with Patti?”
When Jon didn’t answer her, she sighed. “Did you two break up?”
“Yeah,” he admitted.
“Aw, sweetie, how come?”
He saw Patricia’s face, twisted with a mixture of hurt, anger, and regret as she sat there on that hospital bed, and he wondered if he’d made the right decision in letting her go. Hell, when she’d called for him to come back, he almost had.
“It just wasn’t working out,” he said roughly.
“But you two looked so happy together,” she said, trying to puzzle it out. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with the Colliers, would it? Because I swear, if you broke up with her over that, I will slap you myself.”
“They were right. I had no right to be with her. I don’t deserve someone like Patricia.”
A sudden crack split through the cab right next to Jon’s ear and the subsequent burn across his cheek made him lift his hand to his face. “Holy shit, Mom, did you just slap me?”
She gave him a smug look. “I told you I would. Now you listen here, mister. I’ve had about enough of this. You’re going to end this bullshit martyr thing you have going on, and you’re going to go find that girl and grovel for her to take you back.”
“But—”
“No buts. You heard what your father said. If that girl really loves you like I know she does, then she won’t care whether you’re rich, poor, a hardened criminal or a politician.” She stopped, giving him a thoughtful look. “I guess that last part was a little redundant, but you know what I mean.”
“How do you know what Dad said?”
“Honey, really? I’m a mom. You should know that I hear everything that goes on in this house. Now, are you going to go fix this?”
Jon dropped a quick kiss on her forehead and started the truck. “I’ll think about it,” he promised.
She jumped to the ground and backed away so he could pull out of the driveway. “You’d better! Next time you come to dinner, I want to see my future daughter-in-law at my table, too!”
Jon shook his head as he drove away. He meant what he’d said, he would think about it, but he couldn’t guarantee that he would do anything about it.
22
“You need to decide what’s more important—him or the car.”
Those were the words of wisdom her mother left her with after dropping by for a visit the previous day. Patti had been in a particularly down mood the past couple of days, and knowing that she would soon have to find it in herself to celebrate the impending birth of Piper and Tate’s first child among a roomful of happy people just made her want to throw up. Naturally, she’d told her mother all of this, and that’s the advice she’d given in return. Not exactly helpful, but it did get her thinking.
Her feelings were amplified when she got a check in the mail from Jon’s insurance agency later that evening as payment for the accident.
It felt like years ago that it had happened.
She already knew she wasn’t going to cash the check. It was a moot point anyway. She’d inflicted more damage on the car than he had, and this time she didn’t plan to fix it up.
It pained her, but after what her mother said, she’d decided to sell the car. There was no question one way or the other. Getting rid of it would serve as a symbol of her love and devotion to their relationship. Jon and their baby were more important to her than a stupid hunk of metal. Sure, she had many good memories wrapped up in that car, but there were bad ones, too. She’d been holding on to it all these years as a way to stay close to her father, to keep him in her thoughts, but the truth was, she didn’t need it to remember him or all the good times they’d shared. She could do that all on her own.
By the time the day of the party arrived, she’d agonized over whether or not to go a hundred times over, unsure of whether Jon would be there or not. She didn’t think she could stand to see him after watching him walking away from her like he had, but she didn’t think she could bear knowing he’d gone and she’d missed the opportunity.
She wanted to tell him that she was selling the car. She wanted to tell him how much she loved him. She wanted to tell him that she was pregnant. But she was terrified of how he would receive her.
He’d made it abundantly clear that she was no good for him. That he wasn’t willing to expend the time and energy it required to be with her because she was too much like his dead girlfriend. But, she reminded herself, that wasn’t the real her. The one who clung to inanimate objects and adopted a dead man’s joy over cars and speed and pointless, dangerous thrills had never been an accurate measurement of who she really was.
The problem was, she’d spent so much of her life developing that persona that she wasn’t even sure who her true self was, but she was trying to figure it out.
The only thing she knew for certain was that she loved Jon and she wanted him in her life. She didn’t care about his past, because everyone had one. She only wanted to be happy, to lead a good life, and she knew, after having him missing from hers, that the only way she’d ever be happy was if he were a part of it.
But would he want to be a part of her life? That was the million-dollar question.
That’s why she was now sitting—more like moping—in a room filled with chattering couples, nibbling on a celery stick while trying her damnedest to remain invisible. Jon hadn’t shown up yet, but rumor had it he’d said he would. Her stomach was fluttering and her palms were clammy and she couldn’t seem to keep her eyes off the door.
“Can we tell them yet?” Jules appeared in her line of vision.
Patti pursed her lips. Her friend had nagged her since the moment she found out about her pre
gnancy to share the news with everyone, but Patti kept refusing. “No. I already told you, Jon should be the first to know.”
“But you already told me and your mom,” she complained. “And don’t forget the doctor and the nurses and the lab techs at the hospital. He’d hardly be the first in line to know about it.”
“Regardless, I’m not telling anyone yet. Besides,” Patti tacked on, “this party is about Piper and Tate. I’m not about to rain on their parade.”
“Who says it would be raining? It’s just more to celebrate.” Jules slung her arm over her shoulder and pulled her into her side, giving her a playful squeeze. “Come on. Just one person?”
Patti wasn’t about to agree to that, but just for curiosity’s sake, she asked, “If I say yes, who would you tell?”
“I don’t know.” Jules cast a thoughtful look around the room. “How about Sheila?”
“Ha!” Patti belted out a laugh. “Nice try, but everyone in this room would know about it in a matter of minutes. Not gonna happen, sister.”
“Then I pick Lynn.”
“No.”
“What about Piper? You know she can keep a secret.”
“No. Not a soul. Now back off before I’m forced to split your lip.” She shook her fist in the air.
“Rawr.” Jules made claw hands at her. She snatched a carrot stick from her plate and chomped the end of it off. “This pregnancy thing has made you snappy, momma.”
“I’ll show you snappy,” Patti rebutted. It felt good to laugh a little, to blow off some steam, and forget, for a moment, that she wasn’t a ball of nervous energy on the verge of explosion.
Jules became uncharacteristically serious. “Have you told your dad yet?”
She was one of the few people in her life who knew that Patti made it a habit to visit her dad’s grave and keep him updated on everything that was happening in her life. Not everyone understood her need to do it, like her mother, but Jules did. That was part of what made her such a great friend. Last year, she even helped her celebrate what would have been his sixty-third birthday with a small graveside party.