He hadn’t tried to paint a dark picture of his culinary woes, but it wasn’t long before he realized that Seth was gazing on him with a worried look, and Kate was a picture of pity. “Really, it sounds worse than it is,” he told them. “These past few months I’ve been able to cook for myself, and it has made a big difference.”
That was essentially true, but his list of ingredients was still limited to small game, carrots, and onions for the most part.
Eventually they left that topic. Kate had already explained most of what Daniel had told her to Seth, leaving out very little, other than their impromptu kiss. He answered his friends’ questions on the finer details patiently, leaving out only the crudest parts, the things he knew would only make them feel worse for him. Overall he tried to paint his last five years in as positive a light as possible.
“But you’re still a slave, right?” asked Seth, regarding his new arrangement living with Lyralliantha.
“Yeah,” admitted Daniel with a feeling of embarrassment.
“I’m sorry,” said Seth. “I shouldn’t have said it like that.”
“It isn’t your fault,” Daniel told him. “We might as well put the proper name to it.”
“And you haven’t told your parents?”
He shook his head, “No, they think I’m working as a carpenter.”
“Well, if that’s what you want, I won’t tell them any different,” reassured Seth.
“There’s something else we need to talk about anyway,” mentioned Kate, “your parents.”
“They seemed alright.”
“Well, they are,” said Seth, “but it’s more about how they’re getting on in town.” His face colored slightly. “I’m not sure how to go about this. Kate maybe you’d be better with this one.” He glanced at his wife for help.
“It’s about your children, Daniel,” she said, not missing a beat.
“Oh,” said Daniel, suddenly unsure of himself. He had known there had to be some, but he had decided to avoid bothering them or their families if possible. His current state of affairs left him little option to do anything else.
“I wasn’t suggesting you should go and try to take responsibility,” she continued before he could say anything else. “It’s far too late for that, and no good would come of it. I’m referring to the impact they’ve had on your parents.”
“What do you mean?” asked Daniel.
“Well, a lot of people in town know. There are quite a few dark haired, blue-eyed children, and they’re all close to the same age. Most of them stayed quiet, but some of them couldn’t, like Emily Banks,” said Kate.
“Her too?” said Daniel.
Kate nodded. “She hung herself two years ago, Daniel. Her parents are raising Haley now.”
I have a daughter. The thought hit him harder than he had thought possible, but it couldn’t eclipse the tragedy of what she had just said about Emily. She killed herself, because of me.
“Don’t go getting weepy on me now, Daniel,” she warned. “That’s not why I’m mentioning this. Haley isn’t the only one, there are many more. You can’t do anything about that. I’m bringing this up because a lot of people in town are no longer kindly disposed toward your parents.”
“They didn’t have anything to do with it,” protested Daniel.
“That’s not how people see it. Whenever they see your parents, they remember that it was their son who slept with half the women in town, and left a significant portion of those pregnant.”
“You’re bringing this up, so I’m guessing you have an idea regarding what I should do,” said Daniel. He remembered his father’s face when he had mentioned getting more lumber. He didn’t want to have to go to town.
“Not really,” she confessed, “I just didn’t want you to wander into town and make matters worse for them.”
Seth gave out a nervous laugh, “Hell they might start a riot if they saw you in the street.”
“A riot I could deal with,” said Daniel. “Violence is the only thing I’ve been trained for.”
“I don’t think you want to fight the whole town,” said Kate.
Daniel began to laugh. “It would hardly be a fight.”
Something in his voice made his friends flinch. Was that fear in their faces? Do they think I would really kill the townspeople? He reflected on that thought for a moment. I probably would. They’re right to be afraid.
In his mind he envisioned the confrontation; townsfolk gathering angrily around him on the street. A few thrown rocks and a lot of insults and then he’d lose his temper. Of course, they’d be no threat. He could take his pick of methods. He could kill them in great numbers using wind and fire or take his time and cut them down one by one. His heart began to pound at the thought of blood. The second option would be the most preferable of course. It was always more satisfying when he could slice an opponent apart at close range.
The streets would run with rivers of blood.
Daniel shook himself and then covered his face with his hands. I’m a monster. I could not only do it, but some part of me wants to do it. I would enjoy it. In his mind’s eye he imagined Alice Hayes staring at him in terror. Would I kill her too? The answer emerged in all its ugliness, not immediately.
“Are you alright?” asked Seth hesitantly.
“No,” admitted Daniel. “There’s something seriously wrong with me, but I thank both of you for warning me. I should probably avoid the town.”
“The children need their parents,” said Kate quietly.
Did she know what I was thinking? It frightened him to think that she might suspect the violence he was capable of doing. How could she love me if she knew? The second realization hit him a minute later. They need their parents. The sentence excluded him as a brute fact. He was not a parent. He had sired many children, but they neither knew nor loved him. He could only bring misery to their lives.
A cry from the bedroom interrupted his thoughts.
“That’s Aaron,” said Kate. “You need to meet our little boy, Daniel.” She gave Seth a hopeful look. “Would you mind, dear?”
Seth looked at each of them, the signs of worry in his aura. “I’ll check on him. Be back in a minute.”
“Let’s go out on the porch,” suggested Kate, a move that would give them even more privacy.
Daniel found himself sitting on the bench, on the porch, in the same place he had once played and sung for Kate, before their first kiss. She sat beside him.
“Are you curious about your children?” she asked him.
That broke him from his nostalgia. “They’re hardly mine. I don’t deserve any credit, quite the opposite.”
“I won’t argue that,” she agreed, “but sometimes I find myself curious. When I thought you were dead, it gave me a certain sense of you, knowing that your children were still here.”
“But none of them were yours.”
She shrugged, “Doesn’t matter. After having Aaron, I learned a great secret. Loving children isn’t a matter of blood, or inheritance. I love my son, simply because he’s here, and he needs me, but if he were born to someone else, I would still love him the same. Once you’ve been a mother you realize that loving children isn’t a matter of birth. That’s why old nannies love everyone’s children, not just their own.”
“You have gained a wisdom that I will never know,” said Daniel wistfully.
“There is one you could meet.”
“What?”
“My sister, Brigid,” she answered, glancing over at him. “She’s five now. She has your eyes.”
Daniel swallowed, “Is that how you knew?”
She shook her head, “Not at first, but it certainly made it easier to figure out.”
“But Seth doesn’t know,” questioned Daniel, “that’s what you said the other day…”
“No,” she agreed, “He doesn’t, nor does his father, though they may suspect. Frankly, I’m surprised the old man married her since she wouldn’t disclose the child’s father.”
/>
He grimaced, “Your mother can be persuasive.”
Kate blanched, “I didn’t need you to tell me that.”
“Would she let me see her? I thought you weren’t on speaking terms.”
“We’re still blood. She sometimes sends her back with Seth when he visits his dad. I’ll have him ask,” said Kate.
“Won’t that make him suspect?”
“Maybe,” she admitted, “but he wouldn’t ever say it.”
Daniel’s magesight, as well as the sound of approaching steps, heralded Seth’s return. He carried an infant in his arms.
“He’s in a good mood, but I think he wants to see his momma,” said Seth with a soft smile.
He handed the small child to Kate who began to laugh and coo at her babe. Watching them was a small miracle for Daniel.
“I think he’s hungry,” she apologized after a minute. “I’m sorry; I’ll be back in a little while.”
Daniel sighed in relief. He had worried she might feed Aaron on the porch. While such things were fairly normal in Colne, he knew that their past might create tension between him and Seth.
Seth took Kate’s seat after she left. Together the two of them talked about the past, the good parts anyway, when they had been just good friends. The crickets had already begun to sing and the night air was full of sounds. A soft breeze carried their words away, and despite all the news he had received, Daniel felt a sense of peace that was rare for him.
Kate reemerged after a quarter of an hour. “He’s done, but he doesn’t seem sleepy,” she told them. “Maybe you’d like to hold him?”
It was a second before Daniel realized she meant him. “Me?” The idea that he might be permitted to hold something so fragile frightened him.
Kate leaned over gracefully and deposited her son in Daniel’s suddenly awkward arms. “I think you would count as an uncle at the very least.”
The tiny boy tugged painfully at Daniel’s beard almost immediately, but he didn’t flinch or pull away. He was at first frightened to move, afraid that any motion might somehow damage the delicate child in his arms. Aaron wasn’t similarly encumbered, he wanted to move.
Wriggling in Daniel’s arms the small boy managed to get his head closer, gazing curiously at Daniel with his deep brown eyes. One hand released his beard and took his finger in a surprisingly strong grip.
“He’s very strong,” noted Daniel in amazement.
Seth smiled with a father’s pride, “He’s almost walking. I keep thinking he’ll take those first steps any day now.”
Staring down at little Aaron, Daniel felt a weight lift from his heart. Sitting between his two oldest friends, Seth and Kate, he was at peace. He could feel their love and protectiveness for the child in his arms—and perhaps for him as well. They were a family, and in a small way he was a part of it too.
This is the difference between us and the She’Har, he thought. They are created whole and finished; the only growing they do is when they finally put roots down. We are born small and unfinished. We are not meant for pens and arenas. Our strength comes from love and nurturing, from play and exploration. Only then can we develop our minds and find the strength that lies in our potential.
“The ancient humans knew that. They were like us, and if they hadn’t lost, who knows how strong we would be today,” he murmured to himself. Stroking Aaron’s cheek with a rough finger he spoke to the boy, “Now we are all that’s left.”
“What was that?” asked Kate.
Daniel looked up, moving his eyes back and forth between his two friends’ faces. “I love your family.”
Seth nodded, “Well, you’re a part of it.”
Chapter 39
The next day Daniel rose early, intending to help his father, but he discovered that Alan had already left.
“He went into town,” explained his mother. “I think he wants to get more lumber so he can take you up on your offer.”
“I guess I’ll take the sheep out then,” Daniel said agreeably.
He noted the wagon’s absence when he got to the barn, which made sense if his father intended to bring back a substantial amount of wood. He smiled to himself, he really intends to get the most out of me that he can. The thought made him feel good.
After helping his mother with a few of her morning tasks, he took the flock out, moving them toward the pasture closest to what was now the ‘Tolburn’ house. He knew it wasn’t the most ideal spot, since some of the other fields they used were more lightly grazed at the moment, but if he were only going to be home for a few days he wanted to spend them as close to Kate and Seth as he could.
“Dad can take them to the other fields after I leave,” he told himself.
He spent the morning getting better acquainted with Lacy. She was a smart dog, and her nose had already told her that he was her master’s son. She had accepted him quickly, but they were still becoming friends.
Around noon he stopped and ate the lunch his mother had given him before bringing out his cittern and playing a song. Blue skies and warm wind seemed to smile upon him. It felt as if the whole world were conspiring to show him its affection.
Seth appeared a short while later, walking up the hill hand in hand with a much smaller person.
Daniel felt a sense of apprehension, a sudden nervousness as he suddenly knew who it was. It was a little girl with his friend, and after their conversation the day before he knew that it must be Brigid. It was his daughter.
“Well, one of them anyway,” he said to himself.
More for his own benefit than anything else, Daniel continued playing as they climbed the hill. The music kept him calm and eased his anxiety. Finishing the song he had been playing, he switched to a merry tune that was popular for dancing, the ‘Fisherman’s Daughter’. It was also one that he could easily sing the words to, for the notes were all within his vocal range.
The song told the story of a young woman who lived by the sea with her parents. In the beginning she meets a sailor, but by the end her love convinces him to give up the sea and become a fisherman, like her father. Unlike many similar songs, it had a happy ending and a lively melody.
Seth and Brigid sat down beside him while he finished playing. When the song was done the little girl began clapping. “That was pretty,” she said with an innocent grin.
“Brigid, this is my friend I was telling you about. His name is Daniel,” said Seth, introducing them.
“Nice to meet you, Brigid,” Daniel told her.
Suddenly shy, the girl looked down at her feet, but not before Daniel caught a flash of blue eyes beneath dark hair. “Hi,” she said softly.
She’s gorgeous, he thought, feeling his heart clench. “Did Seth tell you that he, and I, and your sister were all friends when we were little?”
Brigid nodded at him, and Seth gave him an apologetic shrug. His eyes conveyed a message, be patient.
They sat together quietly for a few minutes until at last Brigid’s curiosity got the better of her. Moving closer, she plucked at one of the strings on Daniel’s instrument. She glanced up at him nervously when the sound was unexpectedly loud.
“It’s alright,” he told her. “Would you like to learn how to play it?”
Her eyes brightened, and she nodded at him.
He spent the next hour showing Brigid how he fingered the frets in order to play certain chords. Her arms weren’t long enough, and her hands weren’t very large, so it was too difficult for her to press the strings along the neck while strumming, so they worked in tandem. He would show her where to press, and she would use both hands, one to support the neck while the other put pressure on the correct strings. Once she had the position, he would run his fingers across the board, and she would laugh at the sounds.
“Let me do it,” she told him, indicating his strumming hand.
I should have thought of that first, he chided himself. She moved over, and they switched jobs, he would fingers the chords and when he nodded, she would strum. It was stil
l clumsy but they were able to play an awkward, halting melody that way.
“I need to get some things done,” Seth told him. He had been a silent observer through most of their interactions. “Do you want me to take Brigid home with me, or…”
“I don’t mind if she wants to stay,” said Daniel, feeling a sense of awe that she might be left in his care for even a while. “I can bring her by before I take the flock in this evening. Assuming she wants to stay, that is.”
“Brigid,” said Seth, “Would you like to stay with Daniel for a while? I need to go home.”
She had already forgotten the two of them, distracted by the novelty of Daniel’s sheep dog. She was crawling forward through the grass toward Lacy, as if she meant to sneak up on her. Of course, Lacy was already well aware of the girl hunting her, but she pretended not to notice.
Seth glanced at Daniel, remarking, “They get so wrapped up in their heads that they can’t hear anything sometimes. Make sure you keep a close eye on her.”
“I will,” assured Daniel. “Thank you,” he added with emphasis.
The girl had reached the dog, and Lacy was game enough to leap into the air with a yip of surprise, as though she hadn’t seen the child stalking her. She circled the girl, barking excitedly and pretending to nip at her. Seth snatched the little girl up, and Brigid shrieked excitedly.
“I’m leaving you here with Daniel,” he told her. “Is that alright?”
She nodded, barely paying attention as she wriggled in his arms, trying to find some way down so she could get back to the dog.
He placed her carefully on the ground and turned away, “She’s all yours then.” Waving, Seth started down the hillside, heading home.
The next few hours were a revelation for Daniel. He watched as Lacy taught her how to herd sheep, circling to keep stragglers from getting too far from the flock. Then they played a chaotic version of tag, girl and dog chasing each other in turn. Daniel was too absorbed with watching them to even play his cittern, but when they tired of that game, he brought it out again and played a lively tune while Brigid skipped.