I ran a bath with too many bubbles. the smell of the hospital lingering on my skin was revolting. I slipped into the hot water, the tension slowly unwinding and the smell of lavender filling the room. I remembered the last time I was in here with Christopher. Tears rapidly escaped my eyes and I let it all out, the fact that the only man I have wanted is now in my life and I can't have him, the fact that I was having to give up my company I had worked so hard to build and most of all the fact that I was dying, and now more than ever, I wanted to live. I heard my mobile phone beep in the other room, I knew it would be from Christopher as no one else ever text me.
“Miss Collins I have your tea here.” Rose said through the door,
“Come in.” I said viciously wiping the tears away.
I wasn’t prude of her seeing me in the bath, the amount of bubbles I had hid my body anyway.
She put the tea on the side, as she was about to leave she saw I had been crying. Damn it.
“Oh don’t cry,” she murmured, she sat next to me on the step leading up to the bathtub, “He is a very good looking chap,” she said letting me know she had seen what had happened.
“I don’t know what to do.” I said honestly.
She silently acknowledged what I had said before answering.
“Over the years I have watched you, how you have kept yourself locked away from the world. Since he has come into your life I haven’t seen you smile so much.” She said not beating around the bush.
“It isn’t fair to him though. I could die at anytime just go to sleep and not wake up again, that isn’t what a relationship should be like.” I said.
“I am not a horrible person Miss Collins but I care deeply for you and if he makes you happy, you should spend the time you do have spending it with him. If you told him your situation he could make his own decisions about you.” She said.
She saw the mental conflict I was having and added,
“Think about it, or you could not tell him anything and still spend time with him under false pretences. Go with what your heart says even if he is the one left hurting.” She said and left.
The only problem with being with him and him not knowing the truth is every time I see him looking at me the way he does it pains me. I don’t want to hurt him I really do like him too much.
I got out of the bath and dried myself. I went to get my tea and beside it was my seizure medication, another reminder that I was too complicated for him. I lay in bed reading the text from him.
PLEASE TALK TO ME. C. X
This was terrible, one minute I was adamant I would stay away from him and then the next minute I wanted to see him with every ounce of my being. What Rose said did make sense, however much I couldn’t trust myself when I was around him I couldn’t trust myself to stay away from him either.
I got out of bed and went over to the window looking out over the back of the house, there was still work going on so he was probably still here. What was I going to do? Before I knew what I was doing, I had text him saying I would see him when he finished work for the day. His reply was instant,
SEE YOU SOON. C. X
I climbed back onto the bed and put a DVD on. I couldn’t tell you what the story line was about, I was trapped in thoughts of what I was going to do about Christopher. All this mental conflict was tiring, maybe I really would pass out from exhaustion. I didn’t pass out but I did fall asleep. When I woke again, he was sitting on the edge of my bed and it was dark. How long had I been asleep for?
“Henry showed me up about ten minutes ago, I don’t think he likes me very much. I didn’t want to wake you,” he said.
“Don’t worry about him he doesn’t like anyone really. Have you only just finished?” I asked looking around for the time, seven-thirty pm, boy he was working late.
“Yeah, I told you I was working for a slave driver.” He joked looking tired.
“Here, climb in.” I said pulling the duvet back for him to join me he jumped in without hesitation.
He didn’t have his boots on so Rose must have collared him on his way in. He laid beside me leaving a gap between us.
“Jas, are you going to tell me what is going on? You’re hot and cold all the time, I never know where I stand with you.” He said.
So here it was, crunch time. Did I have the courage to tell him the truth…no, I didn’t. I didn’t want to be rejected by him for a second time. This time around I know I am not strong enough to recover.
“Where would you like to stand with me?” I answered him with my own question.
I wanted to know how he truly felt before I said anything. He thought about it for a moment.
“Since I saw you, you have been stuck in my head. I can’t stop thinking about you. I was hoping you would feel the same way. It is mad, I want to be with you all the time, you drive me crazy,” He said confirming what I thought. I did feel the same way but if I told him this he would assume everything was good and we could have a happily ever after.
“There are things I can’t tell you, things I should tell you and things that would stop what we have at once and I don’t want it to stop.” I said.
In my own way I was opening up to him just not completely.
“We don’t have to stop, I want you Jas more than I have ever wanted anyone,” He said moving closer to me.
“You need to understand, I won’t tell you about things, things you should know. You will be the only one who gets hurt.” There, I had said it, kind of.
It was up to him if he chose to stay. He thought about it and replied by kissing me.
“If that is the only way I can have you then I will take my chances.” He said in between kissing my neck, my conscious sort of clear I kissed him back.
“Hold on, are you well enough to…?” He asked pulling away from me.
“Shut up and kiss me.” I said pulling him back down.
“Why did you disappear all those years ago?” He asked when we were laying in bed together.
“I couldn’t stand living at home any longer, my mother was drinking too much – a different man around every few weeks, my dad was nowhere to be found. I realised I didn’t have anyone.”
“You had us, we always looked out for you,” He said stroking my hair, meaning my old friends on the estate.
“I had no one, all they wanted was to use me for sex and at the time I thought that included you. I didn’t know where I was going to go or how I was going to survive but I knew I had to get away from everyone.” I didn’t like talking about those days but Christopher was so easy to confide in.
“Where did you go?”
“I went to stay with my cousin in Kent and I went on a bender for a year, my cousin Ally eventually had enough of me and got me straight. I started working as a sale rep for a cosmetics agency, after four months I had had enough of making money for someone else so I researched my ass off for weeks and came up with Jasmine Enterprises. I went to the bank for a business loan and never looked back.”
“You make it sound so easy,” He said.
“Looking back I suppose it was, I was determined not to fail. A year after I started making money I went and bought the agency I worked for and took over their business dealings and from then on I was a force to be reckoned with.”
“I remember how hard you had it at home but what happened on the estate for you to leave?” He asked yawning. He obviously wasn’t going to drop this.
“What do you mean?”
“You came across like you liked the attention from us, so it makes me think that something else happened to make you run.” He said.
Why did he have to be so perceptive?
“You really don’t want to know, no good will come from it if I tell you.” I said.
“That just makes me want to know even more.”
“Fine but remember this was a long time ago,” he nodded, “I liked Leigh, like really liked him,” I felt his body stiffen beside me but I carried on, “He would always text me to meet him late at night a
fter he had finished seeing Claire, we would kiss for a while, he would always try to take things further and I would say no, every time. The last time I saw him we had made out for ages, it got heated quicker than usual and he wouldn’t take no for an answer, he was so much stronger then…”
I didn’t have time to finish as Christopher leapt out of bed running his hands through his hair, I could see his hands were shaking. He looked so angry.
“Shit Jas, all this time I have been mates with him and he…” He shouted angrily.
“No listen to me, he didn’t rape me. Let me finish.” I said pulling him back on the bed.
“He was stronger than me, he had my arms pinned to the ground, the only way I could get him off me was to knee him in the balls, so I did. He rolled of me screaming in pain, calling me all sorts of names and I ran.” I finished.
He calmed down after hearing the end of what happened.
“You should have told us, you should have told me,” He said. I snorted.
“Would you have believed me? You said it yourself you thought I had slept with half of the estate, it didn’t matter in the end. I promised myself that night I would never be caught vulnerable again and until you I haven’t.”
“That is why you looked scared in the club, when he was pushing himself on you?” He said as I nodded.
“Wait till I see him.” He snapped.
I remembered he had been in trouble for fighting in the past, if he got into trouble for me over something that happened years ago that would be more grief for him to endure.
“No, it is in the past. You asked me why I left and I told you so you could begin to understand my life, I cant tell you things if you’re going to go off on one. Promise me you won’t say anything.”
“If I promise you that it is like he got away with what he tried to do to you.” He said.
“Exactly what he tried to do not succeeded. I haven’t thought about him until I saw him at the club. He hasn’t ruined my life if anything he is part of the reason I have all of this.” I said.
It finally sunk in and he got back in bed.
We talked into the night about everything and anything, he told me he went to college to do a bricklaying course and walked into his job working for Joe. How his mother keeps nagging him to find a nice girl and give her grandbabies, how his mother would love to meet me. My heart sunk hearing this, and my jealousy reaching boiling point thinking about him settling down with someone else and having a family. He didn’t know I couldn’t have all those things with him. I could never have his children and go on family holidays. I wanted those things for the first time in my life.
Part Two…Christopher
The following few days couldn’t have gone by any slower than they did. Henry wouldn’t tell me anything and I hadn’t seen Rose since she left with jasmine in the ambulance. Jase’s advice was to forget about her, she obviously had issues and that I would be wasting my time. I couldn’t help it; I needed to know she was okay. The only way I coped through the days was to think that it couldn’t be that bad or we would have been told something by now and we hadn’t.
On the fourth day I still didn’t have a clue what was going on, I was carrying materials that had been delivered when I saw her standing gazing out at the garden. I was very much relieved to see her standing and breathing. I dropped the materials and quickly jogged over to her.
“Hey, are you okay? Henry wouldn’t tell me anything, I don’t understand what happened.” I said.
“I am fine, it was exhaustion,” She explained.
“You scared the shit out of me after I left, we all heard Rose screaming for help and Henry went running, the next thing I knew you were being taken to hospital.”
“They over exaggerate,” she said simply, “I should go in, the doctor’s orders are to rest.”
I had spent enough time with her to know the way she looking up and down at me that she wanted me so why wasn’t she?
“Wait, I want to see you Jas, you have got in my head and I can’t stop thinking about you.” I said gripping her hand.
“That is why I can’t see you anymore.” She said quietly.
She pulled her hand away and walked into the house. She was so infuriating, any other girl that treated me like this I would have walked away from but Jas wasn’t any other girl, I wanted her to be my girl.
I retrieved my mobile phone from my bag in Jase’s car and text her.
PLEASE TALK TO ME. C. X
Waiting for a reply was excruciating, twenty minutes felt like an entire lifetime. She said she would see me when I finished work. The end of the day couldn’t come quick enough, it was after seven when I finished, Joe had bought another workforce onto the job to work nights while we worked during the day. The kitchen lights were on so I knocked on the back door, I hoped Jas answered it. She didn’t.
“Yes?” Henry answered, he didn’t look happy to see me not that I cared, I was here to see Jas not him.
“She wants to see me.” I told him.
“She is asleep at the moment,” He said blocking the doorway.
“I will wait, she is expecting me.” I said pushing past him. I didn’t hang around in the kitchen; I went up to her room and entered quietly. I sat on the edge of her bed, she didn’t look ill. I wouldn’t wake her as she was exhausted, she would need her rest so I remained staring at her beauty that could keep me entertained for hours.
It turned out I only had ten minutes of entertainment before she woke up.
“Henry showed me up about ten minutes ago, I don’t think he likes me very much. I didn’t want to wake you.” I explained bending the truth a bit.
“Don’t worry about him he doesn’t like anyone really. Have you only just finished?” She asked looking around the room.
“Yeah, I told you I was working for a slave driver.” I joked.
“Here, climb in.” She said pulling the duvet back for me to join her.
I jumped in and laid beside her leaving a small gap between us, we needed to talk.
“Jas, are you going to tell me what is going on? You’re hot and cold all the time, I never know where I stand with you.” I started.
“Where would you like to stand with me?” She answered with her own question.
“Since I saw you, you have been stuck in my head. I can’t stop thinking about you. I was hoping you would feel the same way. It is mad, I want to be with you all of the time, you drive me crazy.” I said honestly.
“There are things I can’t tell you, things I should tell you but things that would stop what we have at once and I don’t want it to stop.” She said. This was good, we were getting somewhere.
“We don’t have to stop, I want you Jas more than I have ever wanted anyone.” I said edging closer towards her.
“You need to understand, I won’t tell you things, things you should know. You will be the only one who gets hurt,” She said so cryptically.
If I got to spend time with her without her being hot and cold I could deal with her keeping secrets from me, how bad could they be?
“If that is the only way I can have you the I will take my chances.” I said kissing her neck finally allowing myself to as close as possible to her, she found my lips and kissed me back.
“Hold on, are you well enough to…?” I asked pulling away from her, I didn’t want to hurt her or make whatever was wrong with her worse.
“Shut up and kiss me,” She said pulling me back down, I wasn’t going to argue with her.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Part One…Jasmine
The next morning I woke alone, I wasn’t worried he had left after hearing about my past. I saw the time and knew he would have had to leave for work. I went down to the kitchen to find Rose. This was the first time in a long while I was hungry.
“Morning Miss Collins.” She smiled at me.
“Morning Rose, what is for breakfast?” I asked.
“More like lunch, there is some bacon if you want it?”
“Sure
.” I said sitting at the breakfast bar wondering what time Christopher left. I was spinning round on the stool when I saw a vase of flowers on the table with a note with my name on it placed against it. I went and read it,
I hope you don’t mind about the flowers, I didn’t have time to go to the florists.
You are so beautiful when you sleep.
I had to go to work, I don’t want to anger the slave driver she has to rest ;)
I will see you tonight
c. Xxx
The flowers were beautiful placed elegantly in the vase.
“What do you think he means about ‘minding the flowers’?” I asked Rose sitting back at the breakfast bar keeping a hold of his note.
“I would assume he means because he picked them from the garden, George isn’t going to be happy with the bald patch by the pond.” She said obviously amused by it. George was the gardener; he loved his job so much so he treated my garden as his own.
“If George has a problem with it he can come and see me.” I said stubbornly. They were my flowers after all.
“There is that smile again, I take it everything went well last night?” She asked preparing my food.
“Oh Rose, it went better than well,” I said spinning on my stool again, “Can you make extra please?” I asked before she put the food away.
“Certainly.”
I pulled my Blackberry from my robe pocket to text Christopher.
THANK YOU FOR THE FLOWERS. JAS. X
YOUR FINALLY AWAKE! & YOUR WELCOME. C. X
YOU SEEM TO TIRE ME OUT WHEN IM WITH YOU. JAS. X
IN A GOOD WAY I HOPE ;) C. X
ALWAYS IN A GOOD WAY! COME & HAVE LUNCH WITH ME. JAS. X
BE 10 MINS. C. X
I sat talking with Rose while I waited for him. It turns out she wouldn’t let him leave until he had some breakfast. They had talked, Roses way of getting to know him better while feeding him at the same time. She thought he was lovely and his good looks were a bonus. She definitely thought I should indulge myself while I could. So he had won Rose over, I wondered if Henry would ever warm to him, not that it mattered if he didn’t but at the moment it meant a lot to me that they did. Rose disappeared when Christopher walked in but not before reminding him to take his boots off.