“I don’t want to tire myself out tomorrow for Christmas day, what if Rose does some food and we watch all the Christmas shows? I haven’t done that for years.” I suggested.
“What ever you want.” He said kissing my neck.
Part Two…Christopher
I had enjoyed our time away but I was glad to be home, Jas continued to tell me this huge white house was mine now too. I knew it was temporary just like my marriage but it was starting to grow on me. Jas acted strong and in control most of the time, which made it easier for me to pretend she was fine, just a bit fragile sometimes. She was lying beside me peacefully sleeping on the sofa; her fascination with the lights on the Christmas tree fascinated me. Her excitement for Christmas was like a child’s; I wanted to make her first Christmas in years but also her last Christmas perfect, she deserved at least one happy Christmas in her life. She had told me earlier how she wants to arrange her funeral, I don’t know how anyone can do that let alone Jas, she had me now so she didn’t have to do things like this, and I wouldn’t enjoy doing it but who does? I know not thinking too much about it didn’t mean it wasn’t going to happen but it was how I got through each day. She is so precious to me, the thought of her dying terrified me, I didn’t want to sit and plan her funeral with her, it was too morbid, but I knew I would end up helping her as I could never say no to her.
She had so much to worry about and yet she continued to add to them, I know she has done everything herself over the years, I don’t think she has enough time left to learn to let me in more to help.
It could have been hours I had been laying there thinking but the next thing I knew Jas was climbing over me in a rush, she landed on the floor attempting to vomit.
“Jas?”
“Give me a minute.” She choked out.
She collapsed onto the floor, begging for breath. I wanted to help her so bad, however I knew better than to crowd her. I saw her slowly regain some strength, I hated seeing her so vulnerable. She wasn’t vomiting anything, she was dry heaving, with every heave she took I knew it was causing her pain, I couldn’t hold back any longer.
“Please, tell me if you are okay?” I begged sliding down beside her and gently rubbing her back.
“Apart from my stomach hurting, I am okay now,” She said trying to sit up. I jumped up to help her.
“I think I am hungry,” She said. This is all I could do. Look after her when she couldn’t. I led her into the kitchen to find her something to eat.
Eventually I found her the dried biscuits she wanted, when I sat at the table with her she knew I wasn’t myself, she wouldn’t stop asking me what was wrong. The other reason I don’t like thinking about her illness is that we end up arguing about it and tonight was no different, before she left to go up to bed she told me she was starting the arrangements in the morning with or without my input.
I sat where I was at the table not following her, I should have followed her but my legs would not move. Tears were falling down my face but I didn’t care, I hated it when she done things like this, told me she was going to do something and then say she would understand if I wouldn’t stand beside her. It made me feel like shit. We didn’t really talk about our unusual relationship, both knowing the outcome wasn’t going to change just because we loved each other but yet still needing to be with one another, so when she came up with these plans of hers they would take me by surprise.
I made sure I was calm and collected before I went upstairs, I would be strong in front of her. Unlike Jas I had all the time in the world to crumble and she didn’t need to see that, I see how much she hates to hurt me, how she tries to hide her sickness from me even though it is plain to see she is suffering. I will do anything for her and if that means arranging her funeral with her then that is what I will do. She was lying in the dark when I entered our bedroom. I stripped down to my boxers and climbed in beside her.
“Don’t leave it like this.” I said, we both needed to know where we stood before we fell asleep, and you shouldn’t fall asleep on a argument or so I have heard.
She turned around so she was facing me.
“I am sorry, I want, no I need you to understand I need to so this,” She whispered.
“If you do this then it is like admitting you need a funeral,” I said quietly.
“I don’t need to admit it, you do. You can’t hide away from it any longer, I am going to die soon and I want to be ready. I want you to be ready,” She said beginning to cry.
“I don’t want to be ready, I can’t lose you,” I said as my tears returned.
“I don’t know what to say to that Christopher.”
“I hate there is nothing I can do and I hate how you talk about it like you are talking about doing the weekly shop.” I said honestly.
“For starters you wouldn’t catch me doing the weekly shop, and how else do you expect me to be? If I let myself be brought down by this I wouldn’t be able to cope.” She said.
“You’re so strong.” I whispered.
“I don’t feel strong most of the time, I just know this is happening to me and somehow I have to make the most of everything I can,” She said quickly, “I was serious earlier, you don’t have to be here when I speak with the funeral directors.” She repeated, she was still waiting for me to use her get out card, I never had thought once of using it, I wasn’t about to now.
“No no, if you have to do this then I will too.” I said stroking her cheek, as her husband I would deal with whatever she had too.
After she made her promise she cuddled in closer to me and we both fell asleep, there wasn’t anything else left to say tonight.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Part One…Jasmine
The light drifting through the window was different this morning; I gently slipped out of bed, putting my robe on whilst walking to the window. I was stunned to see it had snowed through the night. This was Christmas was truly going to be the best, I had everything compared to last year and the twenty before that and now it had snowed, it was the icing on the cake. I ran back to bed jumping up and down careful as not to land on Christopher,
“What the hell Jas?” He said in his cute sleepy voice.
“It snowed, it has snowed for Christmas.” I couldn’t contain my excitement any longer. I pulled back the covers and pulled him out of bed dragging him over to the window to see the snow.
“I have seen snow before Jas,” He mumbled.
“I know but it looks so Christmassy.”
He couldn’t resist wrapping his arms around me as I stared out to the back garden laid under a white blanket.
“I love seeing you this happy,” He whispered in my ear.
“I love you.” I said turning in his arms and cuddling into him.
After being taken back to bed by my husband I was showered and dressed in my pj’s. Rose was setting food out on the table in the living room when I joined Christopher on the sofa.
“Medication Jasmine,” She said sternly thrusting my pills and a glass of water in my hands, “You missed them this morning.”
I swallowed every pill with the water under her supervision before she left the room.
“That is your fault, keeping me occupied this morning.” I said to Christopher.
“If I remember rightly it was you who was the one who took advantage of me the second time,” He said causing me to blush.
“Were both to blame then?” I said
“So what do you want to watch?” He asked flicking through the channels.
“Anything, not sports though.” I said knowing he would try.
We ended up watching Christmas films all day and into the evening, most of the time I would lay in Christopher’s arms watching the lights twinkle on the tree, this would be the Christmas of all Christmases. If someone had told me this time last year that this Christmas I would be married and happy I think I would have died on the spot there and then.
I was becoming used to the permanent ache in the back of my head, most of t
he time it was bearable. I hadn’t lost any of my senses in the last few days and the tremors in my hands were minimal I was praying it would last for tomorrow. I was looking forward to spending the day with everyone but to be honest I was a bit intimidated by Christopher’s family, they are all close and at ease with each other. They had all been so nice to me and welcomed me into the family but sometimes it was a bit too much to take in.
“Hey, what are you thinking?” Christopher whispered.
“I am a little nervous about tomorrow,” I answered honestly, “Your family is all so close, I am not used to that.”
“They are your family now Jas, there is nothing for you to be nervous about.” He reassured me.
“Tell me what your Christmases were like growing up.” I asked.
I wanted to know everything about him, what made him the man he is today, the man I love so much.
“The usual I guess.” He said playing with my hair.
“I am sure your usual was not the same as mine.” I said.
“Mum would always put the tree up on the first of December, it would drive me and Alex crazy with excitement with all the build up. On Christmas Eve we would always visit my granddad, he and my mum would end up arguing because he wouldn’t spend the holidays with us choosing to spend it on his own. In the evening mum would lay nibbles and chocolates on the table while we watched films, Alex would always fall asleep on the sofa. On Christmas morning we would wake up really early so we could open our presents. Looking back I don’t know how my mum afforded it all because she never earned very much but we would always get what we asked for. Then in the evening family and friends would come round for drinks, they were good times.” He said smiling at his happy memories.
“Did you ever spend Christmas with your father?” I asked.
He hadn’t mentioned his father very much, I knew he had left them when Christopher was young but I didn’t know the story behind his departure.
“We haven’t seen him since the day he left, we were better off without him.” He said.
“Do you know where he is now?”
“Nope, what about you? Do you know where your dad is?” He asked reflecting the question on me.
“My dad died six years ago, I only know because I had someone look for him.” I said.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, I hadn’t seen him for years, I didn’t know him.” I said remembering the man he was when he lived with us.
I turned my attention back to the film I hadn’t been watching before and soon after I fell asleep.
When I woke Christopher was putting a small wrapped box under the tree with the other presents,
“Who is that one for?” I asked making him jump.
“I thought you were asleep and never you mind who it is for,” He said, “Shall we go up to bed?” He added.
“Yes.”
Part Two…Christopher
Jas woke me by jumping on the bed excited because it had snowed. She was acting like she hadn’t seen snow before but I knew deep down it was because it made it perfect for her, her perfect white Christmas although I wouldn’t have put it past her to import snow if she had thought of it.
As much as I loved seeing her this happy looking out at the snow I loved being in a warm bed with her too. As she turned in my arms I picked her up and took her back to bed where we didn’t resurface for a long while.
After I had a quick shower I waited for Jas on the sofa, we had all day to ourselves, Jas wanted a quiet Christmas Eve, Rose was busy laying a feast on the table for us. While I was on my own I flicked through the sports channels.
“Jasmine missed her medication this morning, make sure she takes these please,” She said leaving Jas a box of med’s by a glass of water. Looking at the pills made me feel cold as she had to take so many.
Jas coming into the room saved me from answering her, she managed to join me on the sofa before Rose basically told her off like she was her mother and gave her the pills and water. She watched Jas take them and left the room.
“That is your fault keeping me occupied this morning,” She said trying not to laugh.
“If I remember rightly it was you who was the one who took advantage of me the second time.” I said making her blush. The memories were making me twitch.
“Were both to blame then?” She said. I could deal with that.
We ended up watching films most of the day, Jas hadn’t touched any of the food, I didn’t say anything about it she would eat if she was hungry.
On a few occasions I thought she was asleep but she would be looking at the Christmas lights, I wanted to ask her what she found so fascinating about them but I didn’t in case it dragged up bad memories for her.
We talked for a while with her wanting to know what my childhood Christmases were like, to me they were normal but to Jas they were magical. She must have been so lonely being the only child with her dad not in the picture and her mum only there for her physically; even though my dad wasn’t around for Alex and I we always had our mum there. They say when you grow up in a broken home you either become just like your parents or you make good of your life because you don’t want anyone to live as you did if not you follow in a vicious circle and become replicas of your parents. I know Jas would be the complete opposite of Lizzie, her children would want for nothing and be loved so much, I could picture Jas pregnant with our child, if that was possible we wouldn’t have to rush but in time we would have our own family. It was hard trying to imagine what our future would be like if Jas was healthy because she was so impulsive I wouldn’t try to second-guess her actions.
As she turned around on the sofa I knew she was asleep this time, she looked much younger when she was sleeping, as she didn’t have the weight of her illness on her shoulders. She didn’t wear much makeup anyway but when she was like this she looked like she did growing up just not surrounded by expensive furniture imported from god knows where. I could understand her nerves of being around my family but I want her to see she is family now and after tomorrow at my mothers she would.
I gently moved my arm from under her and got off the sofa, I had given Jasmines presents to Rose so she wouldn’t be able to find them. Rose was luckily still up and in the kitchen as I didn’t know where she had put them.
“Hey Rose.” I said entering the room.
“Can I get you or Jasmine anything?” She asked.
I don’t know why but I didn’t feel comfortable with her running around after me, I was more than capable of getting myself food or a drink.
“Jas is asleep, I just wanted my presents for her.” I said picking at the grapes on the breakfast bar, she disappeared for a few minutes before coming back with them and she had wrapped them too.
“I wrapped them in case you didn’t get a chance to,” She explained.
“Thank you, your normally in bed by now what are you still doing up?” I asked.
“Oh, I am just finishing these then I will be heading up.” She said showing me the trays of mince pies.
“I am going to put these under the tree then take Jas up.” I told her.
“Okay, I will you see you in the morning.” She said going back to her creations.
I wasn’t worried about Jas not liking my gifts, one because she wanted the bracelet and two because I got the impression she would love anything I got her. She was still asleep on the sofa as I walked past her and bent down next to the tree.
“Who is that one for?” She asked making me jump half way in the air.
“I thought you were asleep and never you mind who it is for.” I said moving towards her.
“Shall we go up to bed?” I added knowing she would want to open them at the stroke of midnight and as usual I wouldn’t be able to stop her.
“Yes.”
She got straight into bed, promised me she would wake up in the morning and fell asleep. I lay there next to her wishing she would have a Christmas she always wanted tomorrow before falling asleep myself.
r /> CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Part One…Jasmine
“Merry Christmas Jas.” Were the first words I heard on Christmas morning.
I was wide-awake instantly smiling ironically just like a child on Christmas morning waiting to open their presents from Father Christmas. I rolled over so I was on top of Christopher and kissed him not caring about my morning breath.
“Merry Christmas Mr Jenson.”
I looked at the time and it was after eight o’clock, thank god I had asked Henry to put my presents out for everyone under the tree for me.
Rose was already in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on her cake ready to take to Fiona’s later. She smiled broadly at us when she saw us walk in.
“Merry Christmas Rose.” I said hugging her.
“Merry Christmas to you both, breakfast is ready when you are.” She said starting to make us mugs of tea but Christopher took over telling her she wasn’t working today, my man was so kind. I was used to Rose working everyday, I didn’t think.
“We will have breakfast after we have opened our presents.” I squealed clapping my hands. Rose laughed while Christopher looked at me like I had taken his breakfast away forever.
“Where is Henry?” I asked Rose.
“He is clearing the snow on the driveway ready for when we leave.” She replied.
After waiting patiently for ten minutes he still wasn’t back, I begged Christopher to go out and get him, he reluctantly left mumbling how he could have eaten breakfast twice over by now.
I jumped up when they came walking through the back door shaking snow off their boots, luckily Rose wasn’t in the room, she was in the living room turning the lamps on.
I sat by the tree and Christopher sat beside me, I handed Rose her present from me first, she opened it delicately, she read it over twice before she understood what she was, I had paid for her to be enrolled on a course in Paris in cookery with some big shot chef.