Seeing her handwriting on the envelope had me choking up, how she thought I would be able to cope reading what is inside was beyond me.
“You know the only reason you got away with that stunt you pulled back there was because it was a loan, but you knew that didn’t you,” I said to her, well obviously not her.
“I only accepted because apart from the car, thank you by the way, was because you didn’t give me the money. I thought it was appropriate to choose the Brain Tumour Charity for the repayments.”
It felt good to be talking to her even though she wasn’t really here. I took a deep breath and opened the envelope.
To my Christopher…,
If your reading this then you are probably mad at me, please don’t be angry with me for leaving you the money. I hope you stayed long enough for Mr Jones to explain it is not a gift. I finally understand your need to accomplish your own dream but if you thought for one second I wouldn’t help my husband in one way or another you are as crazy as you think I am.
“You are crazy.” I told her chuckling.
The bank wouldn’t help you but I believe in you, I know you will be successful in whatever you do. Pretend the money IS from the bank if you have to but PLEASE use it, maybe one day you will feel the same rush I did making deals and making money. However nothing can compare to the rush I had when I was with you, I am selfish for loving you and having my happy ever after while you are left hurting.
I always knew she felt selfish for being with me, I never once thought that myself, she always struggled to believe that I wanted to be with her for the short time we had rather than not to have her in my life at all.
I loved every moment I spent with you, I wasn’t lying when I told you you are the best and worst thing to happen to me but the worst of all is because of the little time I had with you but it has truly been the best time of my life. Try not to dwell on the fact you didn’t ‘rescue’ me all those years ago because we both know we wouldn’t of had the same relationship we do now.
“I will dwell as much as I like Mrs Jenson.”
I really do hope you can move forward in the future, you are one in a billion Christopher Jenson and you deserve so much more than I could offer you. I know you love me as I do you and you think your world has ended but it honestly hasn’t, this is the next chapter in your life and although I’m not there with you in body – wait for it, cheesy moment – I will always be with you where ever you go and what ever you do.
I laughed at her expression, she was always taking the piss out of me for being cheesy.
You came into my life again and blew it apart in the best way I ever thought was possible, you make me feel like the women I wanted to be if things were different and believe me things would have been different, it would have been you and me against the world babe.
I could write pages and pages telling you how much I love you and how much this sucks to leave you but you know how I feel. So look after yourself and your amazing family, use YOUR money to build the life you dreamed of and always remember you are the only one I have loved and even in death I am yours.
“Always.” I whispered.
Be happy my gorgeous husband
I love you & I’m here always
Your Jas
Jasmine Jenson
xxx
P.S. ITS WAS SIMPLE AS WE MADE IT! NOW ITS AS SIMPLE AS YOU MAKE IT!!
Her need for me to be happy made my blood boil,
“How dare you Jas, I can’t be happy just because you want me to be!” I half shouted. If she was really with me then she would be able to hear what I had to say. I wanted to scream and shout at her for leaving me, for not being able to see her face but I couldn’t.
“I miss you so much Jas, you blew my life apart too and now your not here and I cant cope with it,” I told her hastily wiping the tears from my eyes, “I don’t know how you got me so quick but I love you so much and just so you know I wouldn’t have changed a thing about us either,” I promised.
“People keep telling me to give it time, that I will be happy again, maybe I will but I can promise you I will never love anyone the way I love you because there is no on like you.”
I sat there for a while in silence.
It was time for me to go, the cold didn’t bother me nearly as much as knowing she wasn’t really here.
“I don’t know when I will be back but if you’re with me like you wrote in your letter it won’t matter. I am happy you’re not in pain anymore. Sleep well my beautiful, crazy wife. I love you and I will see you soon.” I told her as I stood up and wiped my face on my sleeve.
I dug my hands in my pockets and felt the mask Natalie had given me from Jas.
“You were right I do remember the good times, even if they do leave me…frustrated.” I said laughing at the thought of her knowing the mask would have this effect on me.
I wrapped it around my hand and held it tight. It was time to go.
“Goodbye Jas.” My voice broke out.
I understood what she meant when she said she could write page after page of how much she loved me, I could sit here forever telling her the same but she was right, we both know what we felt for each other and we didn’t need to put it into words.
Even though I knew she wasn’t there it still broke my heart all over again as I walked away from her grave.
All she wanted was for me to carry on with my life, so that is what I would try to do, for her, even if it takes me my forever to do.
Ellie R. Hunter, Incurable Hearts
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