‘And you.’
He opened his eyes. ‘And me.’
‘She’s very beautiful.’
‘Mm. It’s why he married her in the first place, but sometimes it just reveal show unbearably detached she is.’
Something about Roselyn had touched me, something about the soft fragility of her. ‘How do you mean?’
Ambrose shrugged. ‘She forgets simple things. She can’t focus her attention for more than a second. Sometimes you look at her and you catch your breath, because you know she’s somewhere else entirely and that it’s somewhere very far away. She disappears to that place all the time.’
‘Counting.’
‘And wishing.’
‘For a way out?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t think she knows there is one.’
‘Is there?’
Slowly he shook his head. ‘Not with a husband like hers. He’d hunt the world for her, and wouldn’t give up until he died.’ Ambrose seemed to shiver a little as he thought about his brother. ‘He has berserker blood in him.’
The words made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. ‘What does that mean?’
‘Real berserkers are like animals. They don’t have much intelligence, but their size and strength and battle-rage is unfathomable. Thorne has aspects of their fury and bloodlust, but he has a sharp mind too. It makes him a very dangerous man – one who cannot give up on the hunt, once he has a scent in his nose. I’ve seen him do things that no man should ever see.’
I felt a sick kind of pity for the poor girl. I could imagine what Ambrose meant – the hard-edged cruelty in Thorne’s eyes had been bewildering. ‘He’s a monster,’ I muttered.
‘Don’t,’ Ambrose said suddenly, sitting up. ‘Don’t speak of my brother. I love him. He’s just from a different world to you, Ava. He understands what he’s been taught. He has so much strength – sometimes it takes my breath away – and his patience? I don’t think there’s another man in our whole country who could deal with Roselyn the way he does.’
‘By beating her and putting her in prison?’
He frowned angrily. ‘By understanding her.’
I folded my arms over my chest. ‘She deserves more than that.’
‘Maybe so,’ he murmured, ‘but it’s a start in a country where nobody else would even try. Maybe you should think about things like that before you judge us all.’
‘And maybe if you didn’t forgive so many things so easily, we would live in a better world.’
We stared at each other. I thought about the story he’d told me of the little boy who’d walked into the ice caps alone, and I thought about how Ambrose had explained the cruelty in their family, the way their mother had abused Thorne his whole life, turning him into a beast who would kill for her.
I asked, ‘What was the warder talking about, Ambrose? A secret in your past that you’ve been running from.’
I watched him stiffen.
‘Please tell me.’
‘That is not something I will ever speak to you of. Don’t ask me again.’
I blinked, falling silent at the tone in his voice. We watched the clouds for a long time. I wondered if it would ever get easier between us, or if it would always be this strained. There was such a vast gap between us – an ocean of difference.
Eventually I climbed to my feet. I wanted to cast this shadow from us, because within it everything hurt. ‘Get up. I want you to teach me how to fight like a man.’
He looked up at me, seeming to deliberate on which mood he was going to indulge in. I could see it going either way. ‘No point.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because you’re not a man.’
I frowned, kicking the grass moodily.
‘But I’ll teach you how to fight like a woman,’ he said.
‘I already know how to fight like a woman.’
‘Not really, or else you would have done more than slap me.’
He threw a punch at me and I only just managed to dodge out of the way. ‘Ambrose!’
He grinned and threw another. This time I blocked it and threw my own. Ambrose grabbed my arm and pulled me into a headlock, laughing. Enraged, I jabbed out with my elbow and caught him in the groin. He howled in pain and sank onto the grass.
‘Is that fighting like a woman?’ I asked, smiling smugly.
‘That’s fighting like a rat!’
‘Don’t be such a baby.’
He straightened and walked towards me, reaching out.
I pulled away, heart racing. ‘Don’t.’
‘Why not?’
‘I can’t … I don’t want you to touch me.’
‘Just now? Or ever?’
‘You don’t understand—’ I tried to explain, but he interrupted me, bursting with anger.
‘That’s bullshit! If you say that to me one more time I’m going to lose it! I do understand the bond! You know I do!’
We stared at each other. Every moment I spent with him I felt like I lost a small piece of my control.
‘Come on,’ I muttered. ‘I want you to help me with something.’
When we returned to my room, I sat in front of the mirror and handed him a pair of scissors.
‘What are these for?’
‘I want you to cut off my hair.’
Ambrose stared at me in the reflection. ‘Why?’
‘I don’t want to be Ava anymore.’
Again he asked, ‘Why?’
‘It hurts too much.’
‘That’s lazy,’ he said softly. ‘You can’t just shed your hair and expect to be someone else. The world has never been so simple.’
I stood up angrily. ‘You just want me to be attractive!’
‘Oh for Gods’ sakes,’ he growled. ‘I couldn’t care less about your bloody hair! I’ll shave the whole lot off if you truly want me to, but you don’t – you just want to run.’
‘I have to hold onto Avery for as long as I can.’
He stared at me, time slowing, stretching. ‘But what about me?’ he murmured. ‘I’m the one who’s still alive. I didn’t leave you and I never would. Can’t you see that?’
‘Ambrose—’
He met my eyes. ‘When you first looked at Avery, you bonded with him. It was easy and it was simple, and it was beyond any choice you could make. But when you and I first met, we hated each other. It was slow and it was impossible, and it happened against both our wills, despite everything that was put in its way. It was like we clawed at love with every ounce of our strength, like we held our breaths for it until no air existed in the world.’ He paused, and his eyes reached inside me. ‘So tell me – which do you think more real? Something you didn’t even choose, or something you had to fight for?’
I felt unsteady on my feet. Too many dangerous things unfreezing inside me.
‘Don’t choose a memory over a flesh-and-blood man who loves you to oblivion and back,’ Ambrose implored finally, sounding tired. ‘Don’t cut your hair. You’ll never heal if you never face yourself.’
I took a shuddering breath to argue, then found that I couldn’t. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore; I never wanted him to be hurt again. But I knew exactly what I had to do.
Ambrose
That night we went down to the seashore. As the sun sank we escaped our guards and hid far from any other people, staring into the water until she worked up her courage. Slowly, as if in a dream, she pulled her engagement ring from her finger, her hands shaking. Then she sank to her knees, clasping it tightly in both hands.
She whispered something so softly I could barely hear it – I will love you for all the days of this world. Then she kissed the ring, and threw it with her strong arm right out into the water.
I said to her, ‘Let’s go back and finish what you started.’
‘You’ll help me?’ she asked, stunned.
The answer was easy. Now that eyes changed to gold and two hearts beat in my chest. ‘Of course.’
It was funny, then, what
came into my mind. On the eve of betraying my country, and pledging to help to kill my mother; on the cusp of finding this girl next to me and a new path to my life; in that moment there was only one thing in my mind and my heart.
My brother.
Chapter 14
Thorne
‘There’s going to be a change of plans,’ I told my mother. ‘I don’t want Roselyn killed.’
‘Why?’ she asked me, her eyes narrowing.
‘It’s unnecessary,’ I shrugged. ‘I overreacted.’
The Queen stared at me a long moment, and then slowly shook her head. ‘No.’
I blinked. ‘What do you mean “no”?’
Her eyebrows arched. ‘You don’t understand? It seems I’ve overestimated you – somehow.’
‘Ma,’ I snapped.
‘You made the choice. I made arrangements. It cannot be undone – it will not be.’
‘Execute someone else!’ I tried, something strange in my voice. It might have been desperation – I was unsure because I’d never felt it before.
‘We’ve already killed all the prisoners. The dungeon is empty.’
‘Then I’ll go out and find someone.’
She smiled, her teeth glittering in the dim light of her room. ‘What a savage you are, my boy,’ she murmured, and I felt myself go still. ‘I’m proud.’
I felt a deep discomfort steal over me. I was so tired – the Kayan man had been joining me in my bedchamber every night.
‘Did you … did you mate with a berserker to create me?’ I asked.
Ma blinked. ‘Of course.’
So Rose had got it right after all. To be honest, I hadn’t doubted her for a second. She had a sixth sense for detecting lies. I, on the other hand, never had a clue if someone was lying to me. I had trouble reading beyond what they said.
‘That’s sick,’ I said softly, holding Eloise’s eyes.
A flash of anger passed through her. ‘Why?’
I didn’t know why.
‘Is it any sicker than what the filthy Kayans do to each other?’
‘I don’t wish to talk about the Kayans right now—’
‘They murder the people they love,’ she hissed, rising to her feet. ‘The bond? It’s vile. They send people to war against us and get twice as many killed.’
She was right. I hated it. Hated the idea of the bond so much that when I thought about it I sometimes found it hard to breathe. The simple understanding I had of it was this: if I was bonded to Roselyn as all of the Kayans were to their partners, her life would always be in as much danger as mine, and such a thing was unforgivably cruel. Every time I was challenged for my throne, every time I went into battle, every time my life was threatened, so too would hers be. The thought made me sick. The warder who had made the binding between couples back when the world was young was a man who deserved to be scoured from the earth’s memory, and when I ruled over Kaya, I would find some way to erase the bond and its destruction.
A sound returned me to my mother’s study and I realised she had successfully distracted me from the reason I was here.
‘Are you going to kill Roselyn or not?’ I forced out.
‘I already told you,’ she snapped. ‘It’s done. You cannot unmake a decision like that. You must bear the weight of it.’
I closed my eyes. Felt bile rise in my throat, then forced it back down, along with the emotions that were rising with it. As I turned and swept from the room there was a sense of chaos inside me. The chaos built, and I started to feel the signs of an attack coming upon me. Get a hold of yourself. I had to find Rose – she’d calm me down.
She wasn’t in our room. A terrified servant told me she’d gone down to the common area.
‘Why in the name of the Sword has she gone there?’ I snarled.
The girl shook her head, trembling from head to toe. ‘I don’t know, Your Majesty. She was wandering this way and that – one of her phantom moods had taken hold of her.’
I swore in fury, then turned and ran down the stairs. Rose knew she couldn’t go to the common area! Eight sets of steps took me down into the front hall. This was where the soldiers ate their meals and spent their evenings gambling and wrestling and enjoying themselves. It was a hive of activity – of loud, snarling, violent fun.
I stopped at the base of the stairs and looked around. A few of the men closest to me saluted, but I ignored them, scanning the hall.
‘She’s over there, sire,’ a man told me, gesturing to the far side.
Storming through the crowds of soldiers and scattering them out of the way, I came to a small commotion in the corner. Six men surrounded Roselyn, and they were pushing her between them, taking it in turns to grope her. Well – fair enough. She’d wandered mindlessly into the lion’s den, knowing full well that it wasn’t safe for her to be here. What did she expect?
Then all rational thought vanished as a wave of tremendous anger pummelled into me. A roar left my mouth, and everyone in the hall turned in alarm. I didn’t wait for them to stop – I charged into the circle. The man who was clutching Rose by the hair blinked in surprise, but had no time for anything else. He was a big man – one of the captains of my army. That didn’t matter. I lifted him into the air as if he weighed nothing and brought him down onto the ground, smashing his spine into pieces on the floor. He didn’t make a sound, but the others did.
‘Forgive us, sire!’ one of the men bellowed hastily, but I turned to him and dealt him a mighty blow to the head, crushing his skull. My breathing was coming in ragged gasps. I’d never be able to stop. The soldiers were scattering out of the way, but I wasn’t done. I grabbed one by the shoulders and flung him into the wall. He’d wake up with some broken bones, but at least he’d wake up.
‘How dare you?’ I raged, fury engulfing me. I’d cornered three of them against the wall, and they winced at the danger in my voice. I could barely see anything except red.
‘We’re sorry!’ one of them said.
‘You’re sorry?’ I snarled. ‘Sorry? What care have I for your regrets? No one touches my wife but me. Do. You. Understand?’
They nodded quickly. Every man in the hall had crowded in to see what was happening, and some of them watched with grins on their faces. Others looked wary of me – they were the smart ones. At this point, I would gladly have slaughtered the whole damn lot of them. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Roselyn huddled on the floor, eyes tightly closed, her lips moving soundlessly.
‘If it happens again,’ I said softly, ‘I’ll kill you all, and I’ll enjoy it. Understood?’ They nodded once more. I clenched my jaw, trying to get a hold of myself. The bars of the cage were perilously close to giving way. I grabbed Roselyn’s arm and pulled her to her feet, then marched her out of there, calling over my shoulder, ‘Bury the dead yourselves – I don’t want the servants doing it.’
I walked her straight to the dungeons. ‘You know why you’re here.’ I flung her into the cold stone room. There was no one else in here anymore. I’d killed them all. She was alone, and as I stood there her big brown eyes gazed up at me, seeing right into me, understanding me better than I understood myself.
Breathing out, I rested my head on the bars. ‘Why’d you go down there, Rose?’
She didn’t say anything.
‘You can’t do that – just wander anywhere you like. It’s dangerous. They could have hurt you very badly.’
‘Why?’ she asked.
‘Because you’re a woman and you’re beautiful, and they lust after you. If you walk right into their hands, then you can expect them to do nothing less.’
She thought about that for a moment, eyes resting on the ground. Then she smiled, a dry quirk of the lips that held no humour at all. ‘I thought humans were different to animals.’
I thought of my mother, mating with a man in order to breed a loveless weapon. I thought of the way my men had treated my wife. I thought of the beast inside me.
‘So did I,’ I told Rose, ‘but I think we were b
oth wrong.’
I lay alone in my bed, hating every second of it – it felt wrong without her. And that’s when it hit me – this was what it would be like every night when she was dead. Roselyn wasn’t the stupid one – I was. I felt drenched in my own fear and knew my response today hadn’t been about anger. It had been about the terror of seeing her harmed.
I’d lived my life for one thing – my country. My queen and my people and my land were what mattered. I’d always been exactly what they needed me to be. So what happened when I was no longer that man? Women were supposed to mean nothing. And yet one had made me hard, another had made me soft. They controlled me, the two of them, and a part of me hated them for it. The other part knew it was useless to fight. I was changed, somehow, and I was no longer good enough to belong here.
‘You’re almost there,’ the Kayan man said, appearing next to my bed again. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore him. In the end, though, I was too curious.
‘Almost where?’
‘You almost have it. You’re right, you don’t belong here – but it’s not because you aren’t good enough. She’s the one who isn’t good enough.’
‘Who?’
He gave me a steady look.
‘My ma,’ I breathed out. ‘There’s nothing I can do about that.’
‘Of course there is. You’re one of the deadliest men in the world. You just use your deadliness for all the wrong things.’
‘Why are you here?’ I whispered tiredly. ‘Haunting me?’
‘You know the answer to that.’
‘Because I killed you?’
He tilted his head slightly. ‘Thorne,’ he murmured slowly, ‘you know why I’m here.’
‘I’m … changing, aren’t I?’ I whispered. ‘Beginning to understand.’
He nodded, peering at me in the darkness. ‘Understand what?’ he prompted.
‘How much of a monster I am.’ Ignorance was definitely a lot easier. Knowing how depraved you were did nothing but tear you apart even more.
‘But it also gives you a chance,’ the man said, responding to my unspoken thought.
‘How do I make you go away?’ I asked him through clenched teeth.