I didn’t want to take the risk that you wouldn’t believe she was yours, added with I had nothing to offer her apart from growing up around my drunken mother. I didn’t want that for our child.
Once Jasmine Enterprises was established I contacted my lawyer to try and regain responsibility over Ava but I had lost all rights when I gave her up for adoption.
The best I could hope for was that she would want to find me when she was old enough. But, you know me, I couldn’t rest until I saw for myself she was safe and well. I used my money to hire one of the best private investigators to find her. For five years I saw her grow, knew her school grades and saw how happy she was from photographs and reports. If I thought for one second she was in harm’s way I would have got her back somehow.
I’m sorry for not telling you the truth once we were together, it is true what they say – I could never find the right time, I have already bought you nothing but pain, there was no point in adding to it when you couldn’t meet her.
As I write this letter Ava is thirteen years old and living in London with her aunt. I have instructed Mr Jones to make contact with her after her sixteenth birthday. Of course I am leaving her a wealthy inheritance, it won’t make up for my absence but it will help her in her life somehow. Mr Jones will be giving her all yours and your family’s details to make it easier to find you if she wishes.
You know how much I hate this tumour coming between you and I, yet only being able to imagine our lives together with our daughter is the ultimate punishment I have faced.
The selfish part of me hopes you don’t hate me and can understand why I did what I did, but I don’t have any right to ask that from you. Being with you every day not saying anything has been hard especially as I know I won’t be around to explain when the time comes.
You will probably assume Henry and Rose knew about Ava but I assure you they don’t. I have carried this secret with me since the day she was born, ninth of July 1996. I envy the future you both have, here’s to the next chapter in your life babe.
Love your Jas xxx
I took a large gulp of whiskey and wiped my eyes. I didn’t know if I was mad at Jas for not telling me or mad at myself for not being mad at Jas, for understanding how she felt. She wasn’t a bad person, she thought she was doing the best thing for everyone. Could I blame her for that? My head was absolutely shot to pieces, I couldn’t think straight. I sat drinking from the bottle, telling myself I was thinking things through but in reality I just sat there numbing the pain I constantly felt. For the last three years I have been lost without the woman who means everything to me, she withheld the most important secret she had from me, now that secret is staying at my mother’s house and I feel more lost than I did when Jas died. I have the support of my family, but it isn’t the same as what it would have been like if Jas was still around.
I never made it to bed, I was numb enough before I started on the whiskey, now I don’t think I could have made it up the stairs if I tried.
The whiskey done nothing to take the edge of the pain last night, its effect was less and less these days. I don’t think I am strong enough to be the one to help Ava put the pieces together of the life she should have had. However, as always I was kidding myself if I were going to let it be anyone else who helped her, even if the pain feels like it is going to kill me.
“Morning boss, the foundations are ready” Jase said walking into the kitchen as I was making a fresh coffee.
“Good, you survived the day without me then?” I mocked.
“Not with Ava today?” he asked, helping himself to a mug of coffee.
“I’m going to see her later, I need to sort you lot out before I go anywhere” I joked.
“I’m sure we can handle it, we know what we’re doing you know. You holding back?”
It was times like this when I missed the old Jase, he was too observant nowadays.
“It’s not that, Christ, I don’t know how to be a father,” I admitted.
“You’ll figure it out because you’re a good guy and well, because you have to. You have a chance to make up for all those years,” he said.
“She wants to know about Jasmine, everything about her” I told him.
“She is bound to, could you imagine not knowing your mum and then finding out she is dead?”
“I don’t think I can be the one to tell her” I admitted.
“Of course you will be the one, I know you and you won’t let her down”
He had a point, I want her to know about Jas the way I knew her, the only person who can do that is me. I exhaled loudly and grabbed my coffee.
“Come on, let’s get some work done before you want to start painting my nails,” I teased, laughing as I headed for the back door.
“Whatever” he said, following behind.
Everyone had their jobs for the day, just because I owned the company didn’t mean I didn’t get my hands dirty. When I could, I worked as hard as the rest of the workers who work for me. The morning was running smoothly, I was able to free my mind of the last week’s events. That was until I saw Henry walking towards us with Ava close behind.
“Bloody hell, it is like we went back sixteen years,” Jase murmured seeing Ava properly for the first time.
“Tell me about it” I retorted before turning my attention back to her, “Hey, what are you two doing here?”
“Ava wanted to come by”
“I hope you don’t mind,” she asked timidly.
I was cut off before I could reply.
“Where do you want…”? Jack began asking before he caught a glimpse of Ava. It was like he had forgot what he was going to ask and how to speak altogether. Instantly I knew what he was thinking. He would be getting laid off if he thought to play his thoughts out for real. History was not repeating itself, builder with the rich pretty girl. Not my builder and not with my daughter.
“Would you like to finish what you were saying?” I asked him, trying to distract him and his teenage thoughts away from Ava.
“Um, yeah, where do you want these?” he asked referring to the drawings in his arms.
“Here, why don’t I show you where you can stick them” Henry said.
I’m not sure if Jack caught onto the double meaning phrase or not, I tried to hide the smile. It would appear Henry already had a protective streak for Ava, which in remembering rightly, he protected Jas well enough, I was happy for him to look out for Ava too.
“Come on, I’ll show you what is going on” I offered.
It was plain to see she wasn’t interested in the building work going on, who could blame her, she is a young girl after all. Plus, I didn’t really like the way Jack kept staring at her. Henry caught us up while we were walking back to the house and made an excuse to leave, leaving Ava with me.
It nerved me for some reason to be alone with her. I had no idea what line of questioning she would lead with today.
“Do they all work for you?” she asked, looking at my employees working on the outhouse.
“Yes, the man by the digger is my best friend Jase, he came to work for me when I started the company”
“And who is he?” she asked, pointing to Jack.
Oh god, I had no clue about this father role let alone when it came to the subject of boys. I decided to go down the gruff route, warn her away immediately.
“Someone who is paid to work. Why don’t you tell me something about yourself that I don’t already know” I asked, trying to draw her attention away from Jack.
“What would you like to know?”
I wanted to keep it light so I asked about her school and if she is thinking about going to college.
“I finished school this year, I got mainly A’s and two B’s in my exams”
“Really? That is brilliant! Well done. Did you enjoy school then?” I congratulated her.
“Thanks. School was okay, I liked English and Art mainly. What about you?” she asked.
“Oh I barely passed enough to get in
to college, unlike you. You must have your pick of colleges then?”
“I have my choice but I’m still undecided”
“Well I am sure you can do just about anything” I smiled proudly.
By the looks of it she doesn’t take positive comments well watching her turn bright red.
“So, you like to read and you like Art, what else” I asked keeping the conversation running.
“Music, if I’m not reading or painting then I’m usually sleeping. I don’t really get the time for anything else,” she said.
“You didn’t want to meet Lizzie in a pub again, is there any reason they make you uncomfortable?”
“Not really, I just don’t like that kind of environment, they make me nervous, plus I thought if we didn’t meet in a pub she might be sober” she shrugged.
“I wouldn’t expect too much” I muttered.
I didn’t want her hopes to be raised only to be dashed again. She had enough people from my side of the family to not let her down.
“You really don’t like her, do you?”
“I’ve known her a long time, I saw the way she raised your mother and the way she treated her when we were together. Your mother shut her out for a good reason,” I warned her again.
“I understand but imagine if I found her first and was put off meeting you because of her warnings about you, I have to see for myself” she argued.
She stumped me, there was no point in arguing with her, I was learning that quickly. Although I didn’t want her having anything to do with Lizzie, it didn’t mean I wouldn’t stand by her side and be there if she needed me.
“Anyway, just because I want a family doesn’t mean I’ll accept drunks to make the numbers up”
“Okay, let me sort them lot out and we can go out somewhere,” I cheered.
“Cool”
Within twenty minutes I was heading back to the house to take Ava out. She wasn’t in the kitchen where I left her.
“Ava?” I called out. I didn’t mean to take so long but I wanted to make sure everyone knew what they had to do.
“In here” she called back.
I followed her voice to the living room, she was holding the photograph that was taken of Jasmine and I on our wedding day.
“She was so beautiful,” she murmured, not taking her eyes away from the photo.
“She definitely was,” I agreed.
“So, where are we going?” she asked, placing the photo back on the small table.
“I have something to show you first”
I took the lead while she followed me to the top landing.
“These are most of the photographs of us together, the rest are in albums in boxes”
“There are so many” she whispered, trying to look at every single one of them.
“Why don’t I go and find the albums and we can order some food in instead”
“That would be fantastic” she beamed.
I knew exactly where the boxes of albums were, I set off for my bedroom. Part of me was excited to look through them again, for me they were some of my best memories I have but for Ava, she had so much more to gain from them.
I had to move a box of Jasmine’s belongings to get to the box I needed, I knew it would be too much to show her the contents of that box today so I left it for another day. She was still engrossed with the collage on the wall when I returned.
“I’ll take these downstairs,” I offered, letting her take her time.
I wouldn’t rush her, we had all the time we needed to get through this. By the end I want her to feel like she knew Jas personally, there were enough of us to help her achieve it.
She joined me on the sofa not long after I emptied the boxes. She must have been feeling warm as she pulled her sleeves up to her elbows, showing the bracelet around her wrist, reminding me to ask her about it.
“Can I ask you where you got your bracelet?”
“Jasmine left it to me, it is beautiful isn’t it?” she replied.
“It certainly is. Did you know I gave it to her for our only Christmas together?” I asked.
“No I didn’t, all Mr Jones said was that this was one of her most valued possessions and she wanted me to have it”
She kept fiddling with it, like she now felt uncomfortable wearing it.
“I’m glad she left it to you” I smiled warmly.
She smiled back and picked up one of the albums. I lived with them in my hands for the first year after her death, so I sat waiting for her to ask her questions. I knew she would have many questions.
She flicked through the pages occasionally looking longer at some photo’s then others, sometimes sighing gently.
“You both look lovely in this one,” she said, showing me the first photograph we had done together. I laughed recalling the night very vividly.
“That was taken during our first weekend together, I attended a charity auction with her. It was the first night I saw how much she had changed from when we were teenagers. It was so boring, people were bidding ridiculous amounts of money, I myself had never seen anything like it”
Happy with the story behind the picture she continued looking through the album. We spent the next few hours living down memory lane, she was fascinated listening to our life back then, for the first time I was enjoying myself. Ava had a wicked sense of humour, she would probably get along well with Jase, well, the old Jase before fatherhood calmed his personality down.
When she opened the wedding album, I was waiting and ready for the pain to shoot across my chest, I was shocked when it didn’t come. I was so used to it happening, I think it hurt more not feeling the pain.
As the constricting pain never came, I took advantage of it and told myself I would be able to watch the wedding DVD. Ava would be able to see for herself her mother walking and talking and dancing, it was the perfect video to watch of her. She was so happy that day, you would never have guessed she was slowly dying.
I reached over and flipped to the back of the album retrieving the DVD disc.
“I can show you her, if you like?” I asked.
Even if it does get too much for me, I can always leave the room, but Ava could still watch her mother.
I turned the television on and pressed play, the beginning was of Jas, Nat and my mum giggling, being pampered. Her laugh still covered me in goose bumps, I closed my eyes and listened.
“She loved you so much didn’t she” Ava murmured beside me. I opened my eyes to see Jas walking down the aisle keeping her eyes locked on mine. I swallowed hard and nodded.
Ava’s stare never once left the screen, she was absorbing every sight of her mother, of us together, her parents.
It wasn’t as bad re-living the memory with Ava here. Within a minute or two would come the test, I know for a fact it was watching us exchange our vows that was when she slipped away from me, Ava didn’t have that memory so it had to be a coincidence that she let a tear fall.
“She doesn’t look nervous but her hands are shaking” she pointed out.
“She wasn’t nervous, her hands were shaking because of the tumour,” I told her.
“Who is that man?” she asked when she carried on watching.
“That is Jase, I pointed him out earlier. He was my best man along with Alex”
No amount of time would change my view of Jasmine, with her curled hair falling loosely around her face and in her wedding dress, she was truly an angel.
“I was the best best man,” Jase laughed from the doorway.
I didn’t notice him, god knows how long he has been standing there?
“The best part of this is when I danced with Jas, we showed everybody how it was done” he joked.
“Really? You look like you have two left feet” Ava retorted taking me by surprise.
Up till now we had only spoken about the past, hearing her joke and speak freely was refreshing. She was funny and made me laugh.
“That is a matter of opinion,” he muttered clearly taken by surprise.
He looked at me silently asking if I was okay, I nodded and truthfully, I was fine. I was still breathing, the pain had disappeared and I had my daughter here sharing a past with me. He grabbed the remote and fast-forwarded the film to the dance they shared.
“See, watch. Then we will see who has two left feet,” he laughed.
She didn’t say anything, she looked like she just took a challenge. She returned her attention to the film.
Currently, Jase and Jas were flying around the floor with the other guests moving out of their way. Ava began giggling.
“Okay, so you don’t have two left feet but you kind of look like you are throwing my mother around”
“That is how those posh people dance, here, look, I get better” he jerked his chin back to the screen. I was speechless, hearing her refer to Jas as her mother so freely, as if she had been calling her it all her life. I wondered if I would ever hear her call me dad.
“She looks happy there, oh, nice move twirling her into Henry’s arms” she remarked.
“See, I told you I can dance”
I liked this, my world was beginning to feel alive again. I didn’t realise how much I missed it.
“Did you need anything?” I asked Jase.
“No, I was just coming to let you know that we have finished for the day, the guys will be back tomorrow morning. And also, apparently you have guests for dinner tonight so I thought I would stick around, I haven’t seen your mum for a while”
Jase was still like a third son to my mum and he genuinely liked to catch up with her sometimes. I inwardly sighed, I knew this was my mum’s doing, keeping everyone close.
“Is Natalie coming?” Ava asked him.
“She is already here, in the kitchen with the kids and Alex” he replied.
“Can we finish this later?” she asked me.
It felt weird having her ask me permission, apart from the guys at work, I had no one who asked my permission for anything.
“Sure, you go, I’ll be there in a minute”