She had an easy breezy air about her this morning, it was refreshing.
“I slept well too, thank you” I smiled.
However, under the smile I had lied, not because I was upset with her in my life, the lack of sleep came from thinking about all the changes in my life that would now occur. It wasn’t the physical changes I was worried about, they were in sequential against the emotional changes I would have to make in order to be able to bond with my daughter. Bond enough for both Jas and myself.
“I thought we could spend the day together after your appointment with Mr Jones?”
My heart raced waiting for her answer.
“Are you not busy with work? I don’t want to disrupt your life anymore then I already have” she asked.
“You’re not disrupting anything, the guys can handle the work on their own”
And if they couldn’t, there would be trouble.
“Cool, would I be able to meet Lizzie today?” she asked, looking both at my mother and I.
“I don’t think that is a good idea just yet darling” my mother interceded on my behalf.
She seemed to be thinking something over before she spoke again.
“You guys have been so nice and welcoming to me, I’m hoping if she does turn out to be as bitter as you say, I would like to think I can rely on you?” she said.
Whenever she spoke, it was always with an assured certainty of what she wanted and just like her mother, I had the feeling I would never be able to say no to her.
“She really isn’t a nice person, I saw first-hand of the way she treated Jasmine, I mean your mother. I wish you would wait a while before bringing her into your life” mum said, coming to sit with us at the table.
“That is why I want to do this now, get it over and done with”
“You’re just like your mother. She could never be swayed once she had got something in her head”
I watched the now two most important women in my life talking about the woman who has always come first and I felt something in me release. I could have this without Jas and still be happy. I wanted this.
“And as I imagine, he will do as you ask just like he did with your mother” my mum added raising her eyebrow at me, mocking me to gain a smile from Ava. It worked, and like that, they both knew I was putty yet again.
“I know where she will be, once you are finished with Mr Jones we can go and see her, but if she so much as acts like she did with Jas, we will leave immediately.” I warned her.
I couldn’t stop the pain she caused my wife but I’ll be damned if I let her do the same to my daughter.
“Sounds fair” Ava agreed.
“Okay, well, let’s get this over with”
The day lost some of its appeal knowing it would end with disappointment for Ava.
Flashbacks to the will reading flashed before my eyes. Mr Jones’s office was near enough the same apart from the colour of the walls had changed from white to a shade of dusky grey.
Ava looked too young to be having any business here, the chair she was seated in made her look smaller then she actually was.
“Mr Jenson, I trust you are well?” Mr Jones asked as he sat at his desk, which hadn’t changed at all, still scattered with files and papers.
“Much better than the last time I was here” I replied without much effort.
“Good, now, you have had some time to read through the papers I left with you, do you understand them any better?” he asked Ava.
“I think so, I understand completely the large sum of money she left me but the part about Jasmine Enterprises I do not” she said.
Whoa, hold on, I thought Jenna was in full control of the business. I was there when it was handed over to her and the papers were signed. I should have asked to read what she had before we came here.
“When Mrs Jenson made this decision, she wanted to make sure you never went without and had a continuous income. The ten per cent share she bequeathed you gives you a considerable income. You are a very wealthy woman” he smiled.
It made my blood boil with anger to hear Jas was actively thinking and making plans for Ava while she was with me and still said nothing.
“What do I have to do with the ten per cent?” she asked.
“Nothing, you have every right to attend meetings, things like that but you can be a silent holder if that suits you best”
“Why would she leave me so much?”
Mr Jones didn’t answer immediately, when he did speak he kept flicking his eyes to me.
“Your mother was a very wealthy woman, although she kept her financial affairs private she was very generous with the ones she loved dearly. I know of her anguish over you, it was I who she turned to for advice. She very much wished to share her fortune with you personally but when her condition no longer made that possible, she had to know she could leave you financially comfortable. In regards to how much you inherited, there is no doubt your children’s children will live just as comfortable as you, not adding the income from Jasmine Enterprises” He finished.
Christ, how much did she leave her?
“I can arrange for you to meet the woman who took over Jasmine Enterprises if you like, she can explain it better then I?”
“Yes, that would be good” Ava said smiling at me.
“Okay, I’ll arrange that for you. Is there anything else you would like to ask me about?” he asked making notes.
“I don’t think so, I am still taking everything in to be honest” she replied.
“You can always get in contact again if you do think of anything” he smiled reassuringly, “I just need your signature on a couple of things and that will be all.” He said to Ava then looked at me. I had the feeling he wasn’t finished just yet.
“And for you Mr Jenson, I have one more letter for you from Mrs Jenson” he said digging around his files.
I couldn’t say anything, I was half expecting this, more like hoping she left me some answers.
My hand shook when I took the letter from him, it was in the same style envelope like my previous letter from her.
After fifteen minutes we were back in the car, Ava was quiet. She had a lot to think through so I left her be with her thoughts. I didn’t for one second believe she now understood her inheritance any better, fuck, I didn’t even understand it and I knew how Jasmine worked. As I parked the car in the pub car park, I went to ask her if she was okay but evidently she wasn’t as the tear running down her cheek betrayed her.
“Hey, don’t get upset” I murmured.
“I’m not upset, I’m angry! She knew she was going to die, did she leave me so much because she thought loads of money would make up for the fact she gave me away, then died on me before I could get to know her? There was always a possibility I would eventually have a mother but it’s like I’m being compensated for permanently having no mother” she spat.
I couldn’t blame her for thinking this way, I would have and I did in her position.
“All this money scares me. I couldn’t wait for the day when I could meet my parents, I didn’t for one minute believe you were all stinking rich and famous,” she added.
I couldn’t help laughing. For someone so young she had a good head on her shoulders, but she only saw the exterior of the situation. To change her way of thinking I would have to delve into a conversation I thought I would never have to speak of again.
“After everyone knew the truth about her illness, she thought everyone in the family hated her. I took her to my mother’s for lunch to show her how wrong she was. She took one look at the poor condition of my mother’s kitchen and took it upon herself to hire a woman to redesign the perfect kitchen for my mum. Another time, she wrote Nat a check for seventy thousand pounds so she could go to university and pay for childcare. They thought the same as you do, she was trying to buy their happiness, making their lives perfect, preparing them for when she died”
“What do they think now?” she asked interrupting me.
“
You have to understand, I know now that between giving you up for adoption and the upbringing she had is what made her hard. When we got together, all the walls she built up very slowly came down again. She never done anything to show off her wealth or claim anyone by her money, everything she did was because she wanted to help and the only way she could do that at the end was her money. It seems between us, we are the only ones she really loved”
“How many millions did she leave you? If you don’t mind me asking,” she asked.
My words were having a positive effect as she was beginning to calm down, so I carried on with the truth.
“She didn’t. If she had her way she would have. She left me a loan, which I make repayments to a charity. I didn’t want anything from her, and I told her that, I didn’t find out about the loan until the will reading”
“That is more personal, she knew what you wanted. It hurts she will never know what I wanted?” she said beginning to cry again.
“What do you want?” I asked her, I wanted to see her smile again, I had no clue how to console her so keeping her talking seemed the best way to go.
“I want a family, I love my aunt Grace, she has always tried to put me first but there has been times where I have just felt in the way”
“Well, you have a family now. Jas isn’t here but surely you have noticed she is always around, she wasn’t a woman who disappeared just because she died.” I smiled weakly.
“I would like that.” She smiled, “Shall we go in?” she asked blowing out a nervous breath.
“Sure, remember what I said, if she upsets you we will leave” I reminded her.
She nodded swiftly and opened the door. Henry had text me earlier to let me know Lizzie’s whereabouts. To say I wasn’t happy about this was an understatement, I never want for Ava to feel like Jas did all those years ago. It was like walking back in time, Lizzie was still sitting on the same stool at the same position at the bar. Nobody else was in here so she turned when she heard the door open and close again.
Her looks had diminished considerably, she looked much older than her years. I was embarrassed for her, Ava had to be as well. It didn’t surprise me she was already drunk at this time of day, I don’t think she has been sober for a very long time.
“CJ, what is going on?” she asked, staring at Ava in shock.
“This is Ava, your granddaughter” I replied bluntly.
It was becoming uncomfortable when Lizzie just stood there staring at us. All of a sudden she turned pale, Ava noticed too and rushed over to help her sit back down.
“My name is Ava Collins-Reed. Jasmine gave me up for adoption when I was born. I’m sixteen years old. It is very nice to meet you,” she said offering her hand.
It took my breath away how polite she was, especially standing here seeing her grandmother for the first time as drunk as she is on a weekday. Lizzie took her hand and kept it in hers, never taking her eyes away from her.
“You look the spitting image of her,” she whispered in disbelief.
“I know it is a shock but I wanted to meet you”
The smile forming on Lizzie’s face took years off her, it was the first genuine smile I have seen from her. I sat on the stool further up the bar, giving them the space they needed. My muscles tightened when I saw tears forming in Lizzie’s eyes, I haven’t forgotten her drunken, emotional outbursts with Jas and I prayed she didn’t unleash any today.
“I’m glad you came. God, this is unbelievable. I don’t know what to say” Lizzie said, soaking up every bit of Ava.
“My plan is to stay in Cambridge, so we can arrange a day to get to know each other, if you want?” Ava asked her.
“Yes! Of course I want that” she replied getting very teary.
“I have to go now, here is my number. Call me when you want to meet up, I would prefer it not to be in a pub though” she said, strongly knowing how she wanted this possible relationship to proceed.
“Of course not, we can arrange a more suitable place. Here is my number,” she said writing it down on a scrap piece of paper from her bag on the bar.
“Where are you staying?” she asked.
“With Fiona and Henry”
“They are good people, they looked after your mother when I didn’t” Lizzie said wistfully. I could see how this was going, I stood up and stepped closer to Ava.
“Always quick to save the girl CJ” Lizzie snapped at me.
“This has been a pleasant introduction Lizzie, let’s not ruin it now” I said.
“I’ll call you tomorrow” Ava said standing beside me.
“Make sure you do, I messed it all up with your mother, and I don’t want to do the same with you”
“I’m sure you won’t” Ava said beginning to walk away.
Hell no she won’t, because I’ll not give her the opportunity to do so.
“She seems so lonely” Ava spoke once we were back in the car.
“She has been on her own for a long time, not that she didn’t bring it on herself. Don’t pity her too much” I warned her, “Anyway, what shall we do for the rest of the day?” I asked her changing the conversation.
“Rose mentioned my mother left her the house, she said I was more than welcome to visit so I could see where she lived”
“I don’t think it will be the same as when Jas was there,” I said hoping she wouldn’t want to still go.
“Rose said she hasn’t changed a thing” she challenged, “I know it won’t be nice for you, I can go on my own if you like?”
“That won’t be necessary, I’ll take you,” I said, regretting I opened my mouth in the first place.
I took the next exit and made my way back to the big white house.
I couldn’t stop the lightheaded queasiness that passed over me as we walked towards the back door. Hundreds of memories kept flashing through my mind. My hands shook unlocking the door to the kitchen.
Inside, absolutely nothing had changed, it looked as if we should still be here, all living together under the same roof.
“It’s beautiful,” she murmured wondering around taking in her surroundings.
“You should see the rest of the house”
I showed her around the rooms downstairs including the extension where the swimming pool was housed.
When I closed my eyes I could remember the night she pushed me in the pool, hearing her giggle, watching her undress before jumping in and joining me, the way her skin felt against mine in the water. No, I had to stop thinking about her. I shook my head clear of thoughts and spoke.
“It took me a few days to find Jas after we had a falling out, it turned out I was working for her all along” I told her even though she hadn’t asked.
“You built this?” she asked surprised.
“I used to work for a guy called Joe, he was contracted to build this. Once we both knew where we stood with each other, it came in handy working here to be close to her”
“Sounds romantic”
I snorted, trust the female to think of romance at such a dire time.
“Come on, I’ll show you upstairs”
I needed the rest of the tour to be over with as soon as possible. I took the stairs quicker then I normally would. It wasn’t helping that the next room she would see was our old bedroom. I sucked in as much air as I could and pushed the door open. I couldn’t take my eyes away from the bed, the last place I held her, kissed her, spoke to her. The last place she was alive.
I barely noticed Ava moving beside me, I didn’t dare go in the room any further. The swelling ache in my chest was returning rapidly.
“Rose must have started packing up after all,” she muttered.
“What do you mean?”
“There is hardly anything in here” she said waving her hand around.
“This was exactly how she kept her room when she was alive, she couldn’t sleep when it was cluttered” I explained.
“Oh” She returned her attention back to the room, “What is in there?”
>
“That, was her wardrobe. Open the doors”
“Oh my god,” she gasped looking at all of Jas’s belongings.
I couldn’t appreciate it the same way Ava could, I made my excuses and left the room. I walked to what used to be her office.
I sat on the sofa and closed my eyes. I wanted to tell Ava everything she wanted to know, show her if I could but it hurt, the pain of opening up was excruciating.
“We can go now if you like?” she said from the doorway.
“I’m sorry, her bedroom brings back some of the worst memories I have of her”
“Why don’t you tell me about them, it might help?” she offered.
“I’m not sure you would want to hear them”
“I can always ask you to stop,” she continued.
“Okay. It was in her room where she was at her worst and at the end it was where she…died. Laying in my arms”
A tear fell before I could wipe it away, she moved closer and held my hand.
“I don’t know which is worse, knowing her and grieving or not knowing her and grieving” she said quietly.
I wiped my face and stood quickly.
“Why don’t I get you back to my mums, it has been a long day for both of us”
And I need a stiff drink or two, although I didn’t tell her that part. With Jasmine’s letter to read I would probably need the bottle. I wanted to read it straight away but I forced myself not to open it.
It didn’t take long to drop Ava off and drive home. She must have felt I had cut her off, but I couldn’t help it. I was back to three years ago, my grief felt fresh, I can’t be around Ava now.
I unlocked the door and went straight to living room, walking through the darkness I felt numb. I turned the lamp on and grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the side. I sat on the sofa and ripped open the letter.
To my Christopher,
If I thought writing my first letter to you was hard, this is so much worse. If you are reading this then you now know about Ava, our daughter. I know you will want answers, I will be completely honest and try to explain everything.
When I found out I was pregnant, I freaked out. As you know I couldn’t turn to my mother for help and I was too embarrassed to tell you I was pregnant. At the time I thought you would be angry with me, I was worried about myself and about what would happen.