“She did warn me you might be out of sorts”
“I’m surprised you could get a sitter so quickly, for your son, wasn’t it?” I asked, steering her into another topic of conversation, I knew my dating abilities lacked somewhat, I didn’t need to talk about them.
“Yes, Jamie. My sister lives round the corner from me, she offered when I told her about you”
“That’s good, so what do you do?”
It was a good question to ask, the conversation never died down after she started talking. She was currently working in a Doctors surgery as a receptionist, as well as studying to become a therapist. Listening to how passionate she is about wanting to help young children and teenagers, if only through talking about their problems was intriguing. I told her about how I built Collins Construction when she asked and all about the house and how the outhouse is coming along. We sat talking about everything, what music we liked, films, television programmes and books. Apparently she is a big reader, which was when I mentioned she had that in common with Ava.
The conversation smoothly rolled onto the topic of the night of the party when Ava first turned up on my doorstep.
“I did wonder where you all disappeared to that night”
“Sorry about that, it was a big shock to find out I had a daughter, I totally forgot about everything else that was going on. I don’t remember when you all left,” I admitted.
“How has it been getting to know her?”
“An eye opener” I laughed, “I feel like she is part of me now. She is planning on staying in Cambridge permanently so we have time to make up for before, although I am a little out of my depth when it comes to the attention she receives from boys” I admitted, telling her about what happened with Jack yesterday.
“Ah yes, good luck with that” she laughed.
We were talking about her son when the barman called last orders. As I was driving I didn’t have more than orange juice, I declined another drink and so did she.
“Was tonight as bad as you feared?”
“No, I had a really good time” I admitted to myself as well as her.
“Good, the thing is I can’t afford to get involved with anyone if it isn’t going to be reciprocated. I can see you’re not ready for anything more than a drink, it’s a shame because we had a good time” she said being completely up front.
“We did” I smiled weakly.
Thank god she said it first, I didn’t want to dash her hopes for a second drink.
“It really isn’t you” I winced, wow, how much of a cheesy cliché?
“Don’t worry, I understand better than you think. If you ever want to talk or just have a drink, call me,” she offered before leaning over.
I had been completely absorbed with fretting over the initial idea of a date, I forgot the kiss at the end of the night. Before I had a chance to think anymore, she lightly kissed my cheek, smiled and got out of the car.
I watched her walk to her door before driving away. All the way home I kept thinking, I had done it. Who was I kidding, it wasn’t a drink, it was a date. I had been on my first date and survived.
Everyone had thankfully left when I arrived home, and Ava must have been in bed.
Looking back over the night with Megan, it was a blur. I did have a good time, I already knew nothing serious would come of it, yet it was weird how I felt refreshed from spending the evening with another woman, doing what normal people did on dates, yet I was shattered from the whole experience.
I washed up and got into bed, I was tired enough to fall asleep but my mind had other ideas.
“I have missed you,” I told her.
“I love these moments”
“So do I, I don’t see you as much anymore” I frowned.
“That’s because you are moving on, you don’t need me as much”
“I’ll always need you,” I told her.
“It’s okay not to need me. You have Ava now, and if you open yourself to the possibility, you could have Megan”
I hated it when she spoke like this, she was after all, my mind playing tricks, so why couldn’t she just play along? It was just me, myself and I saying it is okay to move forward. Hearing it from Jas or telling myself didn’t change the gut wrenching feeling I felt every time I seriously thought about moving forward without her.
I turned the lamp off, plunging the room into darkness.
“Good night Jas” I murmured before falling asleep.
Chapter Six
Ava
Yesterday I called Lizzie and we arranged to meet at a Starbucks in town, a complete neutral territory for the both of us. I was up and out early hoping to be the one who arrived first, so I was very surprised when Lizzie was already seated with drinks.
“Hello, I hope you don’t mind, I ordered you a hot chocolate as I didn’t know if you like coffee” she said, as I pulled out a chair.
“Hi, that’s fine thank you” I smiled taking a small sip to prove it, “How are you?”
“I’m nervous. I’m still in shock to be honest” she admitted.
“Me too”
We both kept taking sips of our drinks to cover the silence. After five minutes it became unbearable.
“Why don’t you tell me what my mother was like as a child?” I offered getting the conversation going. I noticed she was hesitant before replying.
“She was a bubbly little thing, always full of life, she used to do these dance routines for us all, proper little diva”
I could see she was remembering better times until a slight frown covered her face.
“However, after her father left us, she became quiet and kept to herself”
“Why did he leave?” I asked.
It was weird, she was talking about my grandad and I’ll never meet him because he died a long time ago.
“Oh, we were always arguing, he decided he couldn’t take no more”
She wasn’t telling me the whole truth, she was sugar coating. Whether from embarrassment or fear of being judged I don’t know, but from now on I would take everything she said with a pinch of salt.
“Did you want him to stay?” I asked, still intrigued by the past.
“He was the only man I ever loved, after he left I couldn’t cope. I am ashamed to say I put myself before Jasmine and I have never forgiven myself for it, needless to say, your mother never forgave me either”
“I’m sure she would have in time if she hadn’t of died,” I said, hoping to give her some hope, even if she would never know the truth.
“Nah, your mother was one tough cookie and after the last time we met, I doubt I would ever have seen her again, or you. No, she definitely wouldn’t have let me see you”
She seemed to hear her words, when she looked at me to see if I heard she looked like she had put her foot in it big time.
So naturally, I had to ask,
“What do you mean? What happened the last time you saw her?”
I was praying she would tell me the truth, no doubt I could get the truth from my dad.
“There is no harm in telling you myself, I would rather you heard it from me. The last time I saw her she came to tell me about her illness. I couldn’t believe it, it was the first time in years we sat and spoke without sniping at one another. Everything was going fine, she was relaxing around me until she got the wrong end of the stick. I asked what she was going to do with her money, you know, because she had so much of it. She took it the wrong way and assumed I was after it. She blew out of my life as quick as she blew back in. I only knew she had died because I saw it on the news”
I felt like she had once again sugar coated her explanation a whole lot, I suppose in time I would find out the truth just from getting to know her myself. I was trying my hardest not to listen to everyone else’s opinion about my grandmother Lizzie but she wasn’t making it easy for me. I bit my tongue and stuck it out for a while longer. I had to try to get to know everyone as much as I possibly could.
“So, what do you
do?” I asked steering the conversation towards normal chitchat.
“What do you mean?” she replied.
“What work do you do?” I explained further.
“I’m in between jobs at the moment” was all she said.
From what I have heard she hasn’t held down a job for a very long time, I decided not to push it.
“Can I ask you a question?” she asked leaning in closer towards me.
“Sure”
“How did you find out about Jasmine and Chris?”
I thought it was going to be more exciting than that going by the way she was asking.
“Jasmine’s lawyer contacted me and gave me details of everyone and where to find you all”
“Is that all he gave you?”
Ah, I now see where she is going with this. Hopefully, she was only interested and she wouldn’t expect anything else from me apart from wanting to get to know me, not my money.
“He gave me a letter she had wrote me and a bracelet my father gave her, as well as money”
“She didn’t leave me anything, not a thing,” Lizzie said bitterly.
She couldn’t expect me to reply because I didn’t have a clue what to say. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable being around her, I didn’t want that, I want to have as many biological relatives around me as possible. I needed to have that bond after so many years of living with my aunt, who is a brilliant woman, but I always wanted to know where I came from.
I decided to cut the subject of money dead, although, the silence that followed was excruciating. It was plain to see she didn’t know what to talk about and neither did I. For a further ten minutes we sat in silence. I was about to make an excuse to leave but Lizzie beat me to it.
“I have to go…I have an appointment, this has been nice, we will have to do it again”
It felt like she was running away, it was obvious she couldn’t wait to get away so much so she near enough ran out of the door and didn’t hear me say goodbye.
I sat back down when the door closed behind her, then realised I didn’t want to be here on my own. Henry had told me to call him when I was ready to be picked up but I wasn’t ready to go back to the house just yet.
I ended up walking around the city centre popping in and out of shops, but shopping couldn’t hold my attention at the moment.
Christopher…
Over the next few days I was hounded for details regarding my ‘date’ and surprisingly Alex and Jase were the ones who were interested. I had been ignoring Nat’s calls and I had left for work before Ava woke up the morning after.
Work was keeping me occupied and during the evenings I would spend time with Ava, telling her about Jas, about our time together and what she was like when she was a teenager. She soaked every bit of information I told her.
Today though, she looked anxious. Ava has been quiet this afternoon, I hoped it had nothing to do with spending time with Lizzie yesterday.
“What are you thinking about?” I asked, joining her on the sofa.
She looked at me with wide eyes as if she thought I could read her thoughts.
“There is no need to look so worried,” I said.
“I want to ask you something but I’m afraid it will upset you” she said meekly.
I really wanted to know what was going through her mind now.
“Don’t be afraid, ask away”
“I was hoping you could tell me how my mother died”
“A brain tumour, you know that” I said, trying to figure out where she was going with this.
“No I mean, how she was leading up to the end”
Oh, that was why she looked so worried about asking me. I didn’t give myself a chance to think about it, I began with Jas’s symptoms.
“Most of the time she was fine. If you were to look at her, you wouldn’t think she was ill. It made it easier for me to pretend she was fine. Then she would get these headaches so painful they would immobilise her. She would vomit a lot and lose her appetite, and occasionally she would lose her senses.
Towards the end she mainly slept, she wouldn’t have the energy to hold herself up, right at the end she didn’t have the energy to keep her eyes open. I watched her sleep for the last few days of her life, she managed to stay awake for a couple of hours before I took her back to the bedroom and that is when she died, she just fell asleep in my arms. There wasn’t a thing I could do”
She sat listening without interrupting, I never expected to talk about those days when Jas was at her worst without making myself upset in the process. Perhaps, I didn’t want to upset Ava, I wanted for her to be comfortable to ask me anything without fear of upsetting me. Don’t get me wrong, the pain shooting across my chest was still there, but there were no tears.
“Was she in any pain?” she asked.
“I don’t believe she was at the end, but there were times leading up to it, I didn’t think she would survive one of those headaches she got”
“I hate I don’t know her, and I wasn’t there” she said angrily.
“I’m sort of glad you weren’t there, you wouldn’t want the memories,” I told her.
“I would have dealt with it, I could have helped her,” she said beginning to get upset.
“Trust me, she wouldn’t have wanted your help”
She looked hurt as I spoke, so I quickly continued, “She didn’t want my help most of the time, she fought hard not to be a burden to anyone. She wanted desperately to be strong right to the end”
“She sounds stubborn,” she muttered.
I laughed.
“She was stubborn alright. A trait she passed on, maybe?” I smiled raising my eyebrows, making her laugh.
“That is a possibility,” she agreed.
“Do you feel better for knowing?”
“Not really, but I want to know the bad as well as the good”
“I get it”
“One more thing, why did you stay when she told you the truth?” she asked.
Blimey, she really did want to know everything.
“Remember, I fell in love with her before I found out about the tumour. When she told me, I struggled to believe her, I was angry and didn’t cope with it very well. I did stay away for a while, Henry came round to try and talk to me into going to see her in the hospital, by the time I got myself together, she was back home. When I first saw her again, I knew no matter how scared I was or how much pain her death would bring me, I had to be with her. The few short months I spent with her were hard but I don’t regret spending them with her”
She mulled everything I said over before speaking.
“It sounds like a fairytale, it is going to take forever to learn everything I missed out on”
Some fairytale.
“Can forever wait a while for more questions, we have to be at Jasmine-Lily’s birthday party soon?” I said.
“Oh yeah, of course. I have to change,” she said, jumping up and half running from the room.
“Do you think they will be mad we are late?” Ava asked as we rushed from the car to the party.
“No, they will be so busy, they won’t have noticed our absence” I told her.
We slipped through the side gate leading to the back garden and tried to blend in with everyone else. It could have worked if we weren’t holding a bag each of presents.
“Where have you been? Don’t think I didn’t just see you arrive” Nat asked looking flustered.
“It’s my fault” Ava said, defending me.
It seems Ava is my secret weapon, Nat instantly looked guilty and started backtracking. I hid my smile so I stayed on her good side.
“Anyway, you can put the presents over there on the table, then make sure your brother doesn’t burn the burgers” she instructed.
“What can I do?” Ava asked.
“I’m glad you asked” Nat said, dragging her away with her.
I dumped the presents with the others and joined Alex at the BBQ.
“Alright little bro
?”
“Not really, it feels like I have been here for hours” he moaned.
“You haven’t got much left to cook” I said, eyeing the small batch of burgers left to be cooked on the side.
“Thank god, have you seen who is here?” he asked.
“Nope, I just arrived” I said, looking around before I had to ask who he was talking about. I spotted Megan sitting at one of the tables with people I didn’t recognise, they must have been Nat’s friends.
“I didn’t think she would be here. Why is she here?” I asked.
It wasn’t that I was worried about seeing her again, the night ended well but now I have to face her and the awkward chitchat that will follow.
“Nat invited her obviously, they are friends,” he said sarcastically.
“Really, way to be a dick. Why did she come? She knew I would be here”
“Don’t be so egotistical, she came because she was invited, look, her son is playing with Jack” Alex pointed out.
I struggled to see Jack through all the other children running around and decorations. Giant pink number one balloons floated everywhere, with banners and streamers on every possible surface. Nat had really gone to town on this party.
“Just ignore her,” he suggested.
“I can’t do that,” I said, surprised he would say that.
“Stop worrying then, it isn’t like she is going to try and jump you in front of everyone” he joked.
“Piss off. You can cook on your own now,” I said, walking away from his apologies and pleas for me to keep him company.
I carried on walking past Megan taking the cowards’ way out and pretending I hadn’t seen her. I found Jase in the kitchen surrounded by women cooing over Sophia. He saw me come in and swiftly joined me.
“Mate, I have been surrounded by women since I walked through the door” he said.
“And you think that is due to your charm? More like, because you’re holding a baby. Women love them don’t they?” I said, bringing him back to earth.
“I’m pretty sure it’s my charm too,” he said.
Sometimes, his old cockiness came through, he hadn’t lost himself completely when he settled down.