Shane rubbed the back of his neck, cleared his throat, and used his manliest voice. “Hey, man, what’s up? I’m just getting some of this shit cleaned up before I crack open a beer.” Yeah, beer was manly.
Sims stared at him over the rim of his Clark Kent framed glasses. “Oh, okay. I just came by to see if you wanted to take a ride to the mall, maybe pick up some tampons or get your nails done.”
His eyes closed as he surrendered to the ribbing. Trying to draw his testicles back out, he said, “Ha, ha. Seriously though, this thing is pretty cool. I can do all sorts of stuff now, without having to give up one hand to hold Logan.”
Sims had shaken his head. “Dude, that thing on your chest is a lot of things. Cool is definitely not one of them.”
Shane took abuse for that afternoon ever since. He couldn’t get the damn pink pouch off fast enough and Sims had snapped several pictures of him with his phone, sending the pic out in a mass text to all their friends. Fucker.
There was no denying Shane’s life had definitely changed. As much as getting his balls broken sucked, he couldn’t say he had any regrets. Logan made his days fuller and Shane really liked the direction he was headed in. Parenthood, oddly enough, suited him. He hoped Logan liked having him around, because he loved the little bugger.
* * * *
Late August, Shane was finishing up a job and was told to swing by the general foreman’s office on his way home. He left a few minutes early so he wouldn’t be late picking up Logan.
The company office was in Lakota, not too far from the daycare. It was where they went every Friday to pick up their checks. He knocked on his boss’s door and entered.
“Hey, Shane.”
“Hey, Bruce.”
Bruce was a good guy. Shane worked for him a few times before. Shane sat down in the chair across from his desk and stretched. It was exhausting doing concrete in the summer sun. “What’s up?”
“Well, they’re cutting back the job now that we’re closing in on it. You’ve been here past your thirty days, so you’re up on my list.”
His pleasant mood toppled. “But there’s still plenty to be done.”
“I know, but they only contracted for so many hours and we’ve exceeded our time. I gotta cut back on men.”
“You’re laying me off? But I have a kid to take care of.”
“I’m sorry, man. Everyone has responsibilities. More work will be here in the fall, I’m sure. We got that big contract coming up for the civic center.”
Fuck! This sucked. It beyond sucked. He couldn’t afford to be laid off right now. “Can I at least finish out the week?”
“Tomorrow’s Friday, but sure. I’ll give you your check now to save you a trip tomorrow.”
Shane took the check and went to get Logan. How appropriate that his tuition was due. He basically handed over a check only a few bucks shorter than the one in his pocket. At least he still had the Grill. That was under the table and he’d need every penny of it over the next few weeks.
When he got home he couldn’t form the slightest smile. His back was tense and everything agitated him. Logan was cranky too, likely picking up on Shane’s grouchy state. He called Duce.
“Yo,” his friend answered.
“Hey, what are you doing?”
“Nothing. Haven’t heard from you in a while. How’s parenthood?”
Shane bounced Logan on his knee. “Good. What are you doing tonight?”
“Nada.”
“Wanna come over and have a beer?”
“Sure,” Duce said, his tone a bit surprised.
“Cool. Could you grab some on your way?”
Duce laughed. Shane had bought enough beer in his lifetime that he was owed plenty. “Sure.”
About twenty minutes later Duce was there with a case. They sat on the couch watching television and drinking. After such a hot day a cold beer tasted spectacular.
The sound of gravel crunching had him turning. “Fuck.”
“What?” Duce asked.
“It’s Thursday.”
“So, what’s that mean?”
“That’s Kate.” He hadn’t even thought about dinner, not having much of an appetite.
“Do I need to leave?”
“No, you brought the beer. Stay. Just be polite.”
“When am I not?” Duce asked.
Shane stood and went to the door with Logan balanced on his hip. “You know what I mean.”
Kate stepped in, smiled, and stilled as she was about to kiss him, noticing Duce sitting on the couch.
“What’s up?” Duce greeted.
“Hello,” Kate said, clearly taken off-guard.
“How was your day?” Shane asked.
“Good.” Her gaze went to Duce who was now engrossed in something on the television. She looked at Shane, her gaze wide and pointing out the fact that they weren’t alone as she’d likely expected.
“Kate, this is Duce. Duce, this is Kate.”
They each nodded at the other. Kate went into the kitchen and sat down. She didn’t have her bag. She obviously wasn’t comfortable with their company. Her expression was tight and observant. When she spoke her voice remained low.
“How’s everything going?”
He shrugged. “I got laid off today.” Why hide it? She’d find out eventually.
“Oh, no. Will there be another job soon?”
He plopped into the chair next to hers and took a swig of his beer. “There should be something in a month or so.”
Her mouth opened. “That long? Will you need to go on unemployment?”
Goddamn it. “Yeah. I don’t have any other option. I’m just a regular government statistic, aren’t I?”
“Shane,” she whispered. “Stop. It happens. You’ll go back to work and everything will work out.”
Yeah, that was what he usually told himself, but that was before he had another human being depending on him. After a layoff he was always in a bit of a hole. He’d live off Cup-of-Soup for a month and do what he had to do, but now he had Logan to consider. At least he’d be able to spend more time with the little guy.
“Did you have dinner?” she asked.
“Not hungry.” He should offer her something, but he really didn’t feel like playing the host. She probably had a whole pantry full of gourmet food at home.
After a few minutes of silence, she turned to glance at Duce then said, “I guess I should go. The hearing’s in twelve days. I need to work on my report for the judge.”
“I’m sure my new job status is gonna look great to the court,” he said sarcastically.
She frowned at him. “The economy is a mess right now, Shane. You aren’t the only parent out of work.”
He stood and grabbed another beer. She slowly walked to the door and waited awkwardly. He couldn’t kiss her in front of Duce. Her rules, not his.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you soon.”
“Yeah. See ya.” He saw the confusion in her gaze, perhaps even hurt, but chose to ignore it. Logan started to fuss so he turned away from the door to make him something to eat.
* * * *
That Friday she called, but he was in the shower. He meant to call her on his way to the Grill, but didn’t. He was embarrassed and avoiding her in an attempt to avoid talking about his pathetic situation. Maybe it was for the best. What was she going to do with a loser like him?
He played through his set on autopilot. When he got home he crashed. His phone woke him up the following morning, but he silenced it. Logan played in his crib while Shane sat in bed thinking about how the fuck he was going to make ends meet.
He was in the kitchen feeding Logan when there was a knock at the door. Kate was there and she didn’t look happy.
“Hey,” he said, holding the door for her.
“Hi.” She looked around to make sure they were alone. “I’ve been trying to call you.”
“Yeah, sorry. I’ve been busy.”
She blinked at him. When he turned away she grab
bed his arm. “Shane, what’s going on?”
He shrugged. “Nothing.”
“You aren’t talking to me. Did I do something wrong?”
God, he was a total ass. Pulling her into his arms, he kissed her head. “No. I’m sorry. I’ve just been in a bad mood since Thursday.”
She wrapped her arms around his waist. “Because of your job?”
He stiffened. “Yeah, that’s one reason.” He pulled away and went back to feeding Logan.
“You know, you can talk to me.”
No, he couldn’t. Not about this. Eventually someone would point out all the ways he wasn’t good enough for her. It didn’t need to be him. The minute she realized what a loser he was, she’d likely bail—and he couldn’t lose her too.
She sat down beside him and smiled at Logan. “Do you want to do something today? We could go to my place.”
“What’s wrong with my place?”
She drew back at his accusing tone. “Nothing. I just figured it would be a change of scenery.”
Yeah, nice scenery for a change… No thanks. He didn’t need more reminders of how much better than him she was. He stood and dropped the bowl of baby food in the sink. “This scenery is just fine by me.”
She looked down and chipped away the corner of nail polish on her thumb. “Do you want me to go?”
No. He wanted to lose himself in her. He wanted her to hold him and kiss him and make him forget about all his stress. Why he couldn’t just say that, he had no idea. He didn’t talk about his emotions and had no idea how to explain to her how broken he felt at the moment. “You can do whatever you want.”
He was totally uncomfortable with the feelings pummeling him. He felt smothered and wanted them to go away. Somehow, that came out sounding like she was smothering him, which only added to his fucking stress, because he didn’t want her to leave at all. When she blinked at him her eyes looked glassy. Fuck.
There seemed to be some crossed lines between his brain and mouth. Everything he said came out wrong and he was fucking everything up. “Look, Kate, I’m not good company right now.”
“We don’t have to do anything, I just wanted to spend time with you. It’s Saturday.”
Saturday was their day. They also got part of Sunday, but the rest of the week was eaten up by work and other obligations. Well, he wouldn’t have that problem anymore. His schedule was wide open. “Sorry.” It was all he could say.
She sat for a few minutes as if considering her options. When she stood, she kissed Logan on the head, went to the door, and left. She didn’t even say goodbye.
He brooded from his chair as he waited for the sound of her car taking off. Go get her. Say sorry, you dick! She’s trying to be nice and you’re fucking shutting her out.
His gaze bore into his shitty screen door as his conscious berated him and insisted he call her back and explain that he was lashing out because he was scared, but his pride refused to let him move.
When the engine of the VW hummed to life and the press of gravel under its wheels sounded, he knew it was too late. He lost his family, his job, why not move the inevitable along and lose her?
* * * *
Shane and Logan had a lazy weekend. He went to play at the Grill on Sunday night and really wasn’t feeling it. Kate never called and before he knew it Monday arrived. Problem was, Monday felt like Sunday, and Tuesday felt the same. On Wednesday he waited until the very last minute to shower and get ready to go to the Grill.
On Thursday she didn’t come by. He was starting to really miss her. He should call her, but every time he considered picking up the phone, Logan needed something.
There was one week until court. If he didn’t get things back to normal with Kate, would he ever see her again? If she wasn’t his caseworker she really had no reason to talk to him.
He needed to fix this, but couldn’t. Giving her space was perhaps the most honorable thing he could offer at the moment.
He was an unemployed, broke musician, on food stamps with bad credit, a child he could barely afford, living in a trailer park. She’d seen the real him and fought their attraction, because she knew then he was no good. Things had only gotten worse. Kate was too observant not to put it all together. And he liked her too much to put her through a life made up of dehydrated soup, overdue bills, and no money for propane when it suddenly ran out the second winter hit.
Fuck. It was bad enough he’d face times like that with Logan. It pissed him off he was the kids best option in life when all Shane wanted was to provide a good life for his little man. When would he catch a break? Logan didn’t have a choice. Kate did. And eventually, she’d choose someone more successful like she deserved.
Cutting her off hurt like a fucking bitch, but it had to be easier than watching her walk away in utter disappointment.
Knowing all this and accepting that he might’ve pushed her away before he was ready to let her go, only made him panic. He should let her go. It was the right thing to do, but he selfishly wanted her to stay. Someone had to love him.
He was fucking pathetic and his thoughts were giving him emotional whiplash. Even he was sick of himself. He was being a pussy, but he didn’t know how to get out of the pity fest going on in his head.
The weekend passed and she never called. At that point he didn’t know if she’d answer even if he called her again. He had nothing to offer her and maybe she was finally getting that.
On Tuesday night Tucker, Sims, Duce, and Lisa all stopped by unannounced. Logan was in bed. Shane opened the door and immediately picked up on some bad mojo.
“What’s up?” he asked, not liking a single one of the expressions staring back at him.
Duce looked concerned. Sims wouldn’t look at him at all. And Tucker was fidgeting. “Tell him, Lisa,” Tucker said.
“Tell me what?”
Lisa went to the couch and sat down. “I was at a party this weekend with my friend Liz. I don’t know if you know her, Liz Erickson?”
He shrugged. He’d never heard of her.
Lisa wrung her hands and went on. “Well, Liz’s brother has been in jail for the last eleven months. He was busted for possession and intent to sell. He worked out a deal and he’s getting out tomorrow.”
“Okay…and this matters to me why?”
She swallowed. “I didn’t realize there was any connection—I never really met her brother—but Liz and I were talking and she mentioned him having a girlfriend when he got arrested. Liz of course wasn’t really a fan of the girl, because as soon as her brother got busted she disappeared, never once coming to visit him in prison.”
“So?”
“Shane, his girlfriend was Noel.”
He stilled. “What?”
“I think Will is Logan’s father. I saw a picture of him and he has dark hair and sort of looks like Logan.”
His blood turned to ice in his veins. “But Logan doesn’t have a father…” he said. There was no way Logan’s real dad was some criminal.
Lisa looked like she might get sick. “There’s more.”
“Go on.” He might as well hear all of it.
“Well, when she mentioned the name Noel I immediately started asking questions. I was so taken off-guard by all this that I told Liz Noel died a few months ago. She was shocked. I told her how I knew you and before I realized what I said, she was staring at me. It occurred to me that their family didn’t have a clue about Logan.”
“You fucking told them?” Fear and rage exploded inside of him, forcing him to his feet. He instinctively wanted to go to Logan and hold him close where no one else could reach him.
“Hey! It’s not her fault,” Tucker said defensively.
“I’m so sorry,” Lisa cried. “I never would have said anything, but I swear, everything happened so quick. I’m not used to thinking we have to keep Logan a secret. I love that little boy. I’d never do anything to purposefully hurt him.”
She was really upset, but he was too overwhelmed by all of this to even pr
ocess her emotions. “Well, what did she say? What happens now?”
Lisa frowned. “I talked to her today and…she told her brother. He was really upset when he found out about Noel. I don’t know what’ll happen now. All I know is that he’s supposed to be released tomorrow.”
They all sat silently for a few minutes. Sims finally said, “Maybe you could go somewhere and hide for a few days, until your court date. If he can’t contest the guardianship then you’ll be awarded custody and he’ll be too late. That’s if he’s going to try to take Logan.”
A queasy, sick sensation churned in Shane’s stomach. No one was taking Logan from him. No one! “It isn’t that easy. First, I can’t run. That would look terrible on my part. Second, it isn’t like I go into court next week and sign a paper saying Logan’s finally mine. It’s a process.” He ran his hands over his head. “Fuck. I don’t know what to do.”
“Maybe this guy won’t care. Not everyone wants kids,” Tucker said.
“Maybe you should call your caseworker,” Duce suggested.
Yeah, Kate would probably know what to do. “We aren’t really speaking right now.”
The four of them frowned at him. “What do you mean? She’s gotta talk to you. She’s your advocate,” Lisa said.
“Holy shit,” Sims said and they all turned to look at him.
“What?” Duce asked.
Sims eyes were wide. “You banged the social worker!”
Four sets of eyes turned on him. “Dude, seriously?” Tucker barked.
Shane looked away, his face burning under their scrutiny.
“Holy fucking shit,” Tucker said. “I can’t believe you diddled the caseworker.”
“It isn’t like that,” Shane snapped. “I…like her.”
“Well I would hope so. Isn’t that completely unethical? What if her job finds out?” Duce asked.
“That’s why we didn’t tell anyone.”
“Well, she’s definitely gonna help you if she has feelings for you. I think you should call her,” Sims said.
Shane considered it. It wasn’t like he had a lot of time. He looked at the clock. It was after eight. “Fine. Give me some privacy.”