They all nodded and shuffled outside. He smelled cigarette smoke and knew Sims was still smoking. He dialed and hoped she answered.
“Hello?”
“Hey.”
“Hi.” She didn’t sound happy.
“I’m sorry I haven’t called.” She said nothing so he went on. “I, um, sort of have a situation. Could you come over?”
“Is everything okay with Logan?”
“Yeah, Logan’s fine. It’s something else.”
She hesitated. “Shane…you haven’t called me in days. I don’t understand what’s going on, but if you’re calling so I come over there and fuck you—”
“Fuck. No, Kate, it’s nothing like that.” Jesus, he’d never heard her curse. “I just…I have a problem. Could you please come here?”
A beat passed and she sighed. “Fine. But I’m still mad at you.”
“I understand.”
“I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
He hung up the phone and invited the others back in. They waited on the couch as Shane paced by the door.
His mind was going a hundred miles a minute. What if this guy wanted Logan? He couldn’t give him back. There was no way. The courts had to give him some credit. He’d done everything he could to make Logan’s life easy and happy. It was wrong to separate them from each other.
All this time he’d thought the biggest threat to losing Logan was himself. He’d never expected a biological father to turn up out of the blue and take his boy. Fuck!
Kate’s green bug pulled up and she climbed out. She was wearing a Thundercats T-shirt and gray stretch pants. He held the door for her and she stepped in and stilled the moment she saw everyone.
Tucker, Lisa, Sims, and Duce all waved and said, “Hi,” all at once. They sounded like an AA meeting.
She looked at Shane. “What’s going on?”
He took her hand and pulled her to the table. “Here, sit down.”
She hesitated, giving him an unsure look. “Shane,” she whispered. “What’s wrong? Where’s Logan?”
“Logan’s sleeping. He’s perfectly fine.”
“Then why am I here?”
He stepped close and she tensed, glancing quickly back at their audience. The four couch sitters all turned away and pretended great interest in the carpet.
Shane cupped her face. “They know. Please don’t be mad.”
Her lips pressed tight. She was mad.
“They just guessed,” he whispered.
“And you told them.”
“They’re my friends, Kate. They love me. They aren’t going to expose me or risk my situation with Logan in any way. Trust me.”
She pursed her lips, scowled, but nodded. Once she finally sat, Shane introduced her to everyone again and turned her attention to Lisa. Lisa retold the story he’d heard only a half hour before. He watched as Kate’s face paled.
“But no one knows for certain if he’s the father?”
Lisa shook her head. “No.”
Kate pressed her face in her hands and groaned. She looked apologetically at Shane. “I have to report this. If there’s any reason that I see why you couldn’t rightly be granted full guardianship of Logan, I’m obligated to let the court know immediately.”
“But what if he’s not the father?” Shane asked.
“But what if he is? Shane, he could contest your guardianship. That would be a nightmare for everyone involved. I think I need to talk to my supervisor and see what she says.”
“Tabitha?”
“Yes. She likes you. I’ve talked to her about what a great job you’ve been doing. She wants what’s best for Logan. I think she’ll know what’s best.”
He got quiet. They all did. He voiced his greatest fear. “But what if that’s not me?”
She placed her hand on his. “I think it is. Logan sees you as his father. You need to have faith in yourself.”
Easier said than done. Blood was blood and if this guy was Logan’s biological father, there wasn’t a court in the world that would choose Shane over him.
When everyone left Kate stood. “Are you leaving?” he asked nervously.
She looked at the floor. “Shane, everything just got ten times more complicated. I don’t know what’s happened over the past few days with us, but…you hurt my feelings.”
“I’m sorry. I’m an asshole. Please stay.”
“I think in light of everything I should go. I need to think. It’s late and I have work tomorrow. I need to figure out how to handle this.”
“Do you think I’m going to lose him?” The words hurt to say.
Her expression was pained, but he knew she wouldn’t lie to him. Quietly, she admitted, “I don’t know. He may not even be related to Logan. Try not to worry about it until we have more information.”
He nodded, knowing that was an impossible request. When she left he gave her a brief kiss, but she turned away. He’d hurt her and for that he was sorry. Once again, he’d only been trying to do the right thing and somehow fucked it all up.
* * * *
The following day he waited for his phone to ring. When it didn’t, he called Kate. He couldn’t just sit around doing nothing. He held Logan more than usual, needing to feel his weight safely in his arms.
The call went to voicemail, but he left a message. “Kate, it’s me. Please call and let me know what’s going on. This is killing me. I can’t lose him. I just…can’t. He’s…he’s all I’ve got.”
He went to the Grill and checked his phone between every set, but she never called. When he got home a frantic panic struck him, nearly knocking him to his knees. Lisa’s car was gone and in its place sat Kate’s little green bug.
He walked in and she was sitting on the couch. He was disoriented and scared. “Where’s Logan?”
“Asleep. Hi.”
He put his keys on the table. “Hi.”
She took a steadying breath. Shit. This wasn’t going to be good. She was still in her work clothes.
He didn’t move, only waited for her to say something.
“I met William Erickson today.”
“And?”
“And he’s pretty sure Logan’s his son.”
“Fuck.” He rubbed his eyes. “Is he going to try for custody?”
Her expression was an image of professionalism, totally unreadable. “If the paternity test comes back positive, yes. I’m so sorry, Shane.”
His jaw locked. He swore even his organs were shaking. Logan was his boy! “What can I do?” His voice sounded strained.
“You can appeal. You know I’ll speak on your behalf.”
He stood, shoving the chair into the table and she flinched. “Doesn’t anyone care that this guy just got out of prison?”
She was quiet. “Our job is to advocate for the child in question. If we can prove that this is where Logan would be better off then you could win.”
“You and I both know the chances of them removing a child from his biological parent is something that hardly ever happens.”
“Will’s on probation. We don’t know where his head is. He could mess up—”
“And risk Logan’s safety? No way. I can’t hope for that.”
She folded her hands on her lap. “I’m sorry.”
“What happens now?” he asked.
“Tomorrow he’ll have the test. You’ll need to make an appointment with Logan’s pediatrician to have a swab done—”
“I’m not sitting in a doctor’s office with this guy!”
“No, you wouldn’t have to see him. The doctor will send the results to a lab. You don’t need to see him.”
“What was he like?” he whispered.
She gazed up at him from the couch. “He resembles Logan. He’s tall. He asked about your sister, about the hit and run. I think he cared for her.”
“Didn’t care enough to be there for her,” Shane mumbled snidely. “If he wasn’t off doing drugs he wouldn’t have been arrested. Noel wouldn’t have had to come to me fo
r help and then she might not have run off to Jersey and gotten killed.”
His heart was racing and he didn’t know how to let out the nervous energy pumping through him. He was terrified. The helpless position he was suddenly in was intolerable. This fucking criminal was going to take his baby. No!
His hand swept across the table. Papers went flying through the air. “Goddamn it! This is so fucking unfair!”
Kate jumped. “Shane—”
He turned on her. “Don’t sit there and act like everything’s gonna be all right! You know it isn’t!”
“I don’t know anything! I’m not the judge. Custody hearings happen every day. There’s no set answer. Every case is different.”
She silently moved to the couch and eventually lowered herself. He got in her face, his arms on either side of her, boxing her in. “What am I going to do if they take him from me? I’ve changed my entire life for him. I don’t remember what I used to do, who I used to be, before I had him.” He was frantic.
“Shane, you’re scaring me. You need to calm down. You aren’t helping anyone like this. You need to keep your head.”
He searched her eyes and shook his head. “You don’t get it.” He grabbed her hand and held it to his chest. “Here, this is where he is. Taking him from me would be like ripping out my heart.”
With her other hand she cupped his jaw. Tears shimmered in her eyes. “I’m going to do everything I can to not let that happen. I promise.”
He was breathing heavily. Her hand filled his as he continued to press it to his chest. He shut his eyes and breathed in her smell, drawing comfort from her presence. Why did he lose everyone he loved?
He was losing everything, his parents, Noel, his job, Logan, Kate. His world was crumbling and every time he tried to grab onto a wall it turned to dust in his fingers. He needed to be a man and keep it together, but he had no one but himself to lean on.
When he opened his eyes Kate was watching him, a crease marring her brow. “Stay with me. Please. Please don’t go.”
She looked ready to turn him down, but she hesitated and said, “Okay.”
He kissed her. Their mouths sealed and he pulled her to into his arms, needing someone to hold him. His mind couldn’t cope with all of this. He was terrified, unable to imagine a world without Logan.
“Stay with me, Kate,” he whispered as he pushed her to her back.
“I’ll stay,” she assured him, kissing him in response.
He could tell she thought he was only asking for tonight, but he wanted so much more. Just once he wanted to know someone would be there forever, through all the bullshit, all the ups and downs. He needed to know there was at least one person who saw him as enough.
He unbuttoned her cardigan and slid it off her shoulders. His fingers shook as he unsnapped her pants. He should have been gentle, but he was too high strung. The most he could do was force himself to go slow.
When he filled her, he thrust hard. He moved as though he meant to punish her, his intensity borne of fear, because he knew, just like everyone else he loved, she’d eventually leave too.
His head pressed into her shoulder. His hips snapped forward with hard, measured thrusts. She held him and he wanted to weep with how good her touch felt. No one touched him anymore.
He missed his mother’s hugs, his father’s guidance, and his sister’s biased admiration. All he knew was that moment—Kate. Her touch was warm like sunshine. It heated him from the inside out, made him feel safe.
He was so scared.
He came without taking care of her pleasure. He was a selfish prick. Everything was wrong. Nothing made sense. He was losing ground in every aspect of his life and his fear made his common sense lock up. There were things he could have done to come off as less of a prick, but when the opportunities presented themselves, he lost his grip with reality and simply reacted, leaving him with more hollow regret in the end.
He felt like a scared little boy pretending to be a man. He wasn’t complicated, but life was and it was swallowing him whole.
Kate breathed beneath him. Her breasts bore the mark of his touch. He brushed a finger over her tender flesh and she winced. “Are you okay?” he asked, apologetically.
“Can I have some water?”
“Sure.” He eased out of her and cursed. “Fuck.”
“What?”
It was the first commandment, but in the back of his head, that quick, he saw a silver lining. Maybe this would seal her to him. “I forgot a condom.”
She swallowed. Her expression didn’t betray her concern. Maybe she didn’t think it was such a bad thing either. Having a child with Kate would be amazing. Logan could possibly have a little brother or sister—
“I started the pill. We should be good.”
His hope died. He got up and went to the kitchen, turning his back on her so she didn’t see his disappointment. She was on the fucking pill? Wasn’t that something couples usually discussed? Was the idea of having his child so abhorrent to her that she had to take such measures?
He was being ridiculous. He could barely afford Logan. Now was not the time for a baby and he and Kate were so far from that stage his thoughts were laughable.
He filled a glass with water and returned to the couch. She’d pulled the blanket over herself and sat up. He touched her knee. “I’m sorry I was rough.”
She sipped and nodded. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. Did I hurt you?”
She put the glass on the table. “I’m not going to break, Shane. When will you learn that I’m here and you can lean on me?”
“I’m afraid to push too hard. One day you might not come back.”
“So long as you’re honest with me and let me in, I promise to come back. It’s only when you shut me out that those walls separate us. Don’t shut me out.”
He nodded. “I’ll try.”
They moved to the bedroom. He lifted the covers and she curled into his side. He needed to get his life together or he would lose her too. No matter how much he thought letting her go was right, he no longer possessed such selflessness. She would only put up with so much before someone pointed out that she was too good for him.
He kissed her ear, wanting nothing more than to whisper words of love to her. That was one thing he could offer. He wasn’t complicated. His world consisted of simple things. He hadn’t lied when he told her he was a simple man. He didn’t need wealth or fancy things. All he wanted was a family to love. With that, his life would be square.
Chapter Seventeen
On Friday, he got the news. Will Erickson was Logan’s paternal father. Court was on Tuesday and his situation didn’t show any signs of improving. He was going in, asking for full custody, and doing so without a job and nothing but sixty-seven dollars in the bank.
The weekend passed way too fast. He took Logan to the park and played with him nonstop. Kate came by on Saturday and had lunch with them. She had a family thing she couldn’t miss so she didn’t stay.
Shane worked at the Grill Sunday night as usual. When he came home he took Logan from his crib and brought him to his bed. He pressed kisses into his cherub cheeks and nuzzled him with his nose.
On Monday, Shane actually considered running. Where could he go? The only thing that stopped him was the constant realization that, no matter how entitled he felt, it would be kidnapping.
On Tuesday morning he packed up Logan’s diaper bag and loaded him in the Kia. Their appointment was at ten. He entered the courthouse and stared at each person waiting.
A tall guy with dark hair was eyeing Logan’s car seat like it was a naked woman. Shane knew in that instant the other man was Logan’s father.
He took the farthest seat from Will Erickson as possible. He didn’t even want to share the air with the man, let alone Logan. Tabitha appeared and smiled at him. Where was Kate?
He was told to enter the court and sit at the table on the left. Kate waited for him there.
“Hi,” he whispered,
placing the carrier on the table. He wanted to hug her, but knew that was inappropriate.
“How are you?”
“Terrible. Scared. Nauseated.”
She subtly brushed her hand over his. “Me too.”
The judge appeared and took his seat. Everyone stood and, again, he was made to swear on the Bible to tell the whole truth. Kate swore too.
“There have been some developments since we last met, I see,” the judge announced.
Tabitha walked up the results of the DNA test and the judge took the paperwork. He asked Will a few questions. Shane wanted to point out that Will had just finished being incarcerated, but no one seemed interested in that tidbit.
Everything seemed a bit too impersonal for Shane’s taste. What was the point of all the visits and personal questions if no one wanted to hear about how far he’d come as a caregiver?
“Ms. McAlister, you have a statement?”
“Yes, your honor.”
“When you’re ready.” The judge nodded.
Kate stood. She opened a folder and withdrew a typed letter. She carried herself beautifully, as though she didn’t have a worry in the world, her pressed suit only making her appear more capable. She cleared her throat.
“When I first took on this case I saw a young man who knew nothing about babies or parenting, for that matter. In my experience, in cases such as these, I see a lot of shortcomings in our nation’s system to provide the best service to children in need of care. Even when those charged with the care of a child are in fact the child’s biological parents, sometimes they fail. I feared, when I met Shane Martin, I would see another struggling guardian fail a child, but I could not have been more wrong.
“Mr. Martin took his responsibilities as guardian beyond the outlined requirements. He took baby Shane into his life and made him a home. Being a parent, for Mr. Martin, was more than simply attending appointments and meeting a standard. He made it his priority to give baby Shane a father. He gave him back the family they had both lost.
“During my many visits to Mr. Martin’s residence, I witnessed the wholesome love of a father and son that I don’t see very often in my profession. It is the love that’s supposed to exist between a child and their guardian, the love we hope to advocate when we place children in the care of another.