Then she remembered his words after she said she didn’t want to cry. “And I told myself I wouldn’t kiss you.” That’s what Todd said. He didn’t want to kiss me. He’s probably waiting until the end of this trip before he tells me it’s over between us.
In her numbed state, Christy thought of the water fight between Todd and Katie. The way they had bent their heads close together over the chessboard. The way he knew where to squeeze her knee. Was it possible something was going on between them right under her nose, but she hadn’t read the signs?
The four of them ate lunch. Christy didn’t taste a bite. They returned to their first-class compartment, and she sat like a blob while the rest of them discussed the sights they should see, which included some of the museums and churches Christy had marked in the tour book. It was what Christy had wanted all along; they were making a plan, and they were working together as a team. Yet Christy was with them in body only. She kept watching Todd and Katie for any further signs of special interest in each other.
At the train station in Rome, Marcos directed them to the track for their next train. Katie tugged on his arm and said, “Marcos, I want you to come to Naples with us.” She tilted her head and gave him a smile. “It won’t be the same without you.”
“Okay, why not?” Marcos said. “I’ll ride the train with you to Naples, and when you go on to Capri, I will take a train back to Rome.”
Christy thought Marcos might change his mind when they found out the first-class section on that train was booked. But he didn’t. Instead, the four of them ended up in second class, which was radically different. They stood part of the way until Marcos found two seats in a different compartment.
The seats turned out to be more like twelve inches of open space. At Marcos’s insistence, Christy and Katie wedged their way into the space while the guys stood in the walkway. The woman next to Christy held in her lap a large straw basket that smelled of garlic. The basket slumped onto Christy’s lap as the woman slept. As the close smell of perspiration and garlic grew in intensity, Christy drew in little breaths with her hand over her nose. No one else in the compartment suggested opening the window. Everyone seemed content. Finally, Christy couldn’t take it any longer. She rose and told Katie she needed to get some fresh air.
“I’m right behind you,” Katie said.
The guys followed them to an open window in the wobbly train’s hallway. Katie was the first to burst out laughing. “Whoa! What were you trying to do, Marcos, cure us of ever wanting to travel on a train again?”
“This is why it is better to pay more for first class,” Marcos said.
“How much farther is it?” Todd asked. “I don’t mind standing here if you guys don’t.”
“The conductor may tell us to move, but until he does, we can stay,” Marcos said. He checked his watch. “I would say we should be in Napoli in less than an hour. This is a direct train. That means two hours exactly from Roma to Napoli.”
Christy stood next to her luggage with her arms folded on top of the open window frame. The rush of warm afternoon air helped to clear her thoughts. Todd was standing right beside her. If he wanted to, he could easily put his arm around her. Or lean his head next to hers and whisper something sweet.
But he didn’t. He stood back just slightly so they weren’t touching. His attention was on Katie. She was busy plying Marcos for useful Italian phrases, and Todd was repeating them along with her. Marcos seemed to enjoy the role of tutor in their tight quarters. He also seemed to enjoy Katie.
Christy thought back on how Marcos had pretty much ignored Katie that morning. Now Katie had two ardent admirers, and Christy felt heartsick.
Relationships have to be two ways. Todd wouldn’t be interested in Katie unless she let him know she was interested in him. And she is, isn’t she? Maybe that’s why she’s being so cute with Marcos now. Maybe she’s trying to make Todd realize how wonderful she is.
Christy watched. At that moment, with her tumbled spirit in agony, she found it easy to imagine anything.
It was one thing for you to go out with Rick after I did, Katie, but at least you waited until after I’d broken up with him.
She ran her thumb across her gold Forever bracelet. When Todd had given it to her on New Year’s Eve almost five years ago, he had said it meant that whatever happened in the future, they would be friends forever.
Is this about to become part of the “whatever”? Are we going to finally tell each other we’re just friends? A year and a half from now will Katie and Todd be married like Doug and Tracy are?
Christy would never have expected herself to feel so overwhelmed. Katie was right about one thing she had said in the dining car: It had been a difficult school term for Christy. Her notes home had been cheerful, and almost all her diary entries had been positive. But that was because she only wrote when she felt good.
During most of the past ten months she had gone to classes, given all she had emotionally to the needy children at the orphanage, and returned to her dorm room, where she fell asleep while doing classwork.
That’s one of the reasons her Saturday morning trek to the Konditorei had become so important to her. It was her way of treating herself for making it through another week without collapsing.
Christy wondered if part of what she had been feeling the past few days was the result of so many stressful months and such a rigid schedule. She didn’t remember how to relax and have fun. She didn’t know how to be anybody’s girlfriend. Maybe Katie was right, that Christy’s expectations of herself and her friends were too high. Maybe she had only imagined the invisible canopy of peace when Todd arrived. Maybe this relationship was never meant to be anything more than what it was right now. If that was true, Christy had to know now, not at the end of the trip.
“Todd,” Christy heard herself say, touching him lightly on the shoulder. He turned, and she said, “Could I talk to you for a few minutes?”
“Sure.” He leaned against the windowsill with his back toward Katie and Marcos.
Christy felt awkward. She hadn’t thought this through. “I guess what I meant was, could you and I go to another part of the train to talk for a few minutes?”
“Sure.” Todd picked up his pack and slung it over his shoulder. “Hey, Marcos, Katie, we’re going to the next train car for a while. Where should we meet in case we get separated when the train stops?”
Marcos gave Todd instructions, saying that they needed to go right to the bus that would take them to the harbor. At the harbor they would purchase their tickets for the hydrofoil, not the boat, to Capri because the hydrofoil was twice as fast. He emphasized to all of them that Naples wasn’t the best city for tourists and that they should watch their belongings carefully.
“Got it,” Todd said. “When we get off the train we wait for each other.”
Marcos added one more bit of instruction. “When you get to Capri, go to the Villa Paradiso. A friend of my father owns it. Be sure to tell him you know the son of Carlo Savini. He will give you a good price.”
“Thanks,” Todd said. He and Christy made their way through the train with their bulky travel bags. It seemed they wouldn’t be able to find any open corners anywhere. They were about to give up and go back to where they had left Katie and Marcos, but then, in the very last train car, they found a corner in the passageway.
Christy dropped her pack and jiggled the window until it opened to let in a welcome rush of air. The train was rolling past a grove of old olive trees. Some of them had gnarled trunks that were at least three feet wide. A small village appeared on the hillside as the train curved to the left. Noting the charming whitewashed houses with their red-tiled roofs in the distance, Christy thought about how they were probably much older and much more humble up close than they looked from a distance. At least that had been true of Antonio’s home.
Christy turned her face to the open window and let the rushing air dry the perspiration on her face.
“How are you doing?” Todd
asked.
Turning to face him, she said, “Todd, I need to ask you something.”
“Sure.”
“I know you’ll be honest with me.” She looked into his strong, steady face and hesitated before going on.
“I’m always honest with you,” Todd said. His short, sun-bleached blond hair stood straight up as the wind blew over him through the open window.
“I know you are. And I really want to always be honest with you.”
“So what’s going on?” Todd asked, turning to give her his full attention.
Christy pulled her eyes away from his piercing gaze. She didn’t know what to say. It seemed that for years she had been the one to ask the are-we-more-than-just-friends question. She was the one who always wanted to know where their relationship stood and what was expected of her. Todd didn’t seem to need to know. While she needed a plan, he seemed content with the adventure of it all.
Christy said the first thing that came to her mind. “Katie said she thinks my expectations are too high for myself and for the two of you. Do you think that, too?”
“Maybe,” Todd said.
“What do you mean?”
“I guess I’d have to know what your expectations are, exactly, to know if they are too high or not.”
“Okay, forget I asked that. This is what I really want to know. Do you think we’ve changed?”
Todd paused and then nodded slowly.
“I mean, have we changed a lot? Maybe changed too much? Or maybe we haven’t exactly changed but become more of who we really are. And is it possible that the true people we are now aren’t the same people we were five years ago? Or the people we will be five years from now.”
Todd ran his hand across the stubble along his jawline. “Can you give that to me again?”
Christy looked down at her hands. Her fingernails were all broken off from the camping trip. Her injured index finger had gone from deep purple to black-and-blue. Inside, she felt as rough and bruised as her hands looked.
“Todd, do you want to break up?” She spoke the words in a thin voice without looking at him.
Todd didn’t answer. Since he didn’t immediately protest and say, “No, of course not,” Christy took it to mean only one thing. Her throat tightened. All her hope drained out of the soles of her feet. Slowly raising her head, Christy glanced up at Todd. His face was turned to the open window, and she could see him swallowing several times.
“You know,” Todd said after a full minute of only the consistent sound of the railroad tracks thundering in their ears. “I think I’d like to talk about this later, if that’s okay with you.”
Christy couldn’t stop the tears that sprang to her eyes. “Okay,” she managed to say.
Several people were coming down the passageway, forcing Todd and Christy to move out of the narrow aisle.
“Maybe we should go back to where Katie and Marcos are,” Christy suggested, lifting her bag.
“Okay,” Todd said.
Each step Christy took through the train became heavier than the last. Her mind raced through her options. Once they reached Naples, she could take a night train back to Basel and be there by morning. Back to her safe dorm room. Back to her routine and everything that was familiar. She could pour herself into the children at the orphanage. They needed her and wanted her. Why stay with Todd and Katie if they neither wanted her nor needed her?
Her stomach twisted in a huge knot. All these years for what, God? Was this whole relationship with Todd a big joke on me? A testing of my emotions? Well, I failed, didn’t I? I seem to be doing that a lot lately.
As the train slowed, more passengers and their luggage crowded into the narrow aisles. They soon became so clogged it was impossible to move. That’s how Christy felt inside, too. Stuck. Uncomfortably waiting for the inevitable.
When the train came to a stop and the doors opened, the crush of people pushed Christy out onto the platform. She stepped away from the stream of noisy travelers. Todd was right beside her. Neither of them spoke as they watched for Marcos and Katie. The mass of people moved past them, and the two of them waited, still not seeing their friends.
“Do you think they got off before us and went straight out to the bus?” Christy asked.
“We can go see.” Todd headed for the exit. His voice sounded flat and low.
Is he hurting over this as much as I am? We have to talk! This is too painful.
Todd found the bus to the harbor, and they looked all around for Katie. The driver indicated that if they wanted to go, they had to board the bus now or wait for the next one.
“I wonder if she got on an earlier bus?” Christy said. “What should we do?”
“She might have thought we went on to the harbor,” Todd said. “Let’s take this bus.”
They rode to the harbor standing on the crowded vehicle, neither of them looking at the other or talking. Christy kept looking out the windows, expecting to see Katie running after the bus, waving and yelling.
But at the harbor there still was no Katie or Marcos.
“Should we go back to the train station?” Christy asked.
“We could end up passing each other on the way,” Todd said. “I think we better stay here and wait. She’s with Marcos. He’ll make sure she’s okay. It’s possible he sent her on to Capri. She might be on her way to the hotel already. I’m going to get something to eat. Are you hungry?”
Christy couldn’t imagine how Todd could be hungry in the midst of all this emotional tension. Her stomach was aching, but she guessed it was from emotions, not lack of food.
They waited in line at a pizzeria while the city’s deafening noises roared all around them. From the street came the continual honking of car horns, the squealing of old brakes on city buses, and noisy hordes of people walking along, many of them using their hands as they talked.
Christy kept watching for Katie. When Christy got up to the window, she felt like her stomach was in too many knots to eat. But she was learning on this trip that it was best to take food whenever it was available.
Their pizza slices came wrapped in newspaper, and the extra gooey mozzarella cheese stuck to the cheap paper. They found a corner of cement that was in view of the bus stop yet away from the main flow of pedestrian traffic. Taking off their packs and using them as seats, Todd and Christy quietly ate their pizza and watched for Katie.
“Did you hear Marcos talking about this cheese on the train?” Todd asked.
Christy shook her head. She didn’t remember any such discussion. Her thoughts had been and still were absorbed in what she was feeling.
“Marcos said the food in southern Italy is best, and the cheese here comes from buffalo milk.”
“Was he serious?” Christy asked, quite certain she didn’t feel hungry now.
Todd nodded and chomped into his second slice. “It’s good, isn’t it?” He didn’t sound enthusiastic when he said it, but as if he was trying to come up with small talk to keep them from having the conversation they really needed to have.
“What should we do if we don’t find Katie?” Christy asked, making her own contribution to changing the subject from the obvious one that hung over them.
“I’ll go check at the booth over there where we’re supposed to buy the tickets for the hydrofoil. Maybe they’ll remember seeing a redhead going through the line.” Todd stood up. “Will you be okay here?”
“Sure.”
Christy didn’t feel okay. She didn’t want Todd to leave her. Ever. Watching him walk away from her made her ache in a symbolic way. When she had watched Doug walk away after their breakup talk in England, she had felt strangely content. She remembered feeling confident that she had done the right thing. She didn’t feel that way at all about letting Todd go.
But then, we haven’t exactly had our breakup conversation yet, have we? It’s not really over yet.
As Christy watched the mobs of people move past her, she noticed a man in tattered clothes approaching, mumbling somet
hing in Italian.
She was not in the mood to deal with beggars and got up, determined to walk away, even though it meant carrying her pack and Todd’s, which he had left with her.
“Hey!” Todd called to her as she was hoisting his heavier pack onto her back. “Christy, let’s go!” He ran toward her and grabbed her bag. “The last hydrofoil for Capri already left. We missed it. We have to run to catch the boat that’s leaving right now. Come on!”
8
“What about Katie?” Christy yelled at Todd as they dashed to the boat.
Todd jogged ahead of her and let out a shrill whistle to keep the gangplank from being pulled away from the large passenger ferry. The uniformed employee looked irritated as Todd waved their tickets at him and ran onto the boat with Christy right behind him.
“That was close,” Todd said, entering the enclosed passenger seating area.
Christy, who was right behind him, caught her breath. “Do you think Katie might be on board this boat?”
“She might. I’m guessing we missed her in the crowds, and she caught the hydrofoil. Maybe Marcos went on to the hotel with her.”
Christy thought about how Katie, Todd, and Antonio had gotten “a little lost” on their hike a few days earlier, and she felt less than confident that Katie would be waiting for them at the hotel.
“I’ll walk around the deck to see if I can find her,” Christy said.
“Okay, I’ll stay here and watch our stuff. It looks like a seat is back there by the window.”
Christy didn’t expect Todd to walk around the large ferry with her, especially since it meant they would have to lug their packs if they both went. But it still made her feel alone when he sat down in the very last row, with their bags taking up the narrow space next to him.
Christy physically ached as she stepped out onto the deck in search of Katie. The longer she and Todd avoided having their big conversation about breaking up, the larger her ache grew.
Katie was nowhere to be found.
Instead of going back inside to tell Todd, Christy found a bench that was blocked from the wind. She sat with her arms wrapped around herself, as much for comfort as for warmth.