“What is this? Are you two signaling each other?” Theo asked Madeleine dramatically.
“Oh, dear, Theo. I was merely trying to be polite, as Mrs. Wellington was nodding.”
“OK,” Lulu jumped in. “Mrs. Wellington, who were you nodding at?”
“Yeah,” Garrison grunted as Lulu finished. “Actually, I don’t really care.”
“Of all the invasions of privacy! The lot of you ought to be ashamed of yourselves,” Mrs. Wellington said huffily. “I was nodding to myself. Honestly, can’t a woman have a personal conversation with herself without you misfits eavesdropping?”
“Well, I can’t speak for the others, but I didn’t hear anything,” Theo said sincerely.
Mrs. Wellington sighed and nodded her head at Theo.
“Was that for me, or are you having another conversation with yourself?” Theo spat out. “Am I the only one who finds this confusing?”
“We haven’t time for your confusion, Theo; we are in the midst of a security breach. We’ve got a code magenta with a splash of teal, and you know how serious that is.”
“I don’t,” Theo quickly answered.
“Not to be cheeky, Mrs. Wellington, as I’m not American, but I believe Homeland Security’s color advisory system goes from green to red without stopping at magenta or teal.”
“Homeland what? Is that some sort of hippie commune? I am talking about the Pageant Colors of Crime. Have you learned nothing at school? Everyone knows magenta is burglaries and teal is odd behavior from a mysterious man.”
“I can’t believe you brought us back here in the middle of a crime wave. Thanks a lot, lady,” Theo said while ruefully shaking his head. “I might as well have taken an internship on Riker’s Island!”
“Yeah, not to mention the fact that if you hadn’t dragged us back here, I could be playing Wii right now,” Lulu added.
“How dare you? I brought you back here because you need me! You are far from cured of your phobias. The fact that I have been unable to find a security team willing to aid in the burglary investigation in exchange for signed pageant photos of myself was of no consequence in my decision.”
“Mrs. Wellington, we get it. You missed us. We’re touched, but we’re cured,” Theo said gently.
“Is that so?”
“Yes, it is,” Theo said as he stood to remove his sweatshirt. “Oh my gosh, I’m so embarrassed. I can’t believe I left my hall monitor sash on. This is just one of the many things I have accomplished since being cured of my fears last summer. And yes, I said HALL MONITOR. That’s right, guys, an elected position.”
“Theo, that is terribly impressive,” Madeleine said genuinely. “Perhaps you can tell me about the campaign later.”
“I bet you were the only one who wanted to do it,” Lulu added under her breath.
“Well, that is an outright—well, not technically a lie, but definitely mean.”
“OK, so you’re a closet monitor, but what about your fears?” Mrs. Wellington asked.
“It’s hall monitor, and my fears, well, they are doing great. I mean top notch—that’s where I put my fears, on the top notch of my closet, which is in the hall that I monitor, because I am a hall monitor,” Theo said with a forced laugh before continuing. “Basically, I am a free man.”
“Am I to take your proclamation of being a free man to mean you no longer phone your family members every hour?”
“No way! I’m running around New York City, catching buses, hopping on subways, eating at questionable establishments, and generally throwing caution to the wind—total renegade in glasses. That’s actually my nickname on the street—the renegade in glasses who also happens to have been elected hall monitor. And for the record, even if no one runs against you, you are still considered an elected official.”
“I don’t know why you’re so proud. It’s not like anyone even likes elected officials,” Lulu said honestly.
“That is not true. My father is very fond of the President… of the Elks Club, very fond,” Theo shot back defensively.
“And what about the rest of you? Are you all cured? Madeleine?”
“As you can see, I am veil- and repellent-free. And while I certainly don’t rejoice in spiders or insects, they no longer plague my every thought. It’s behind me now, as is my need to prespray rooms, wash in boric acid, or use Wilbur the exterminator. I am rather proud to say that earlier this year, I even petted a… spider’s… furry… belly… in Holland Park, simply as a leisure activity,” Madeleine babbled awkwardly.
“Lulu?”
“Um, I take elevators and lock bathroom doors even when there aren’t windows. I am one hundred percent cured. Can I go home now?”
“Oh, my little strawberry-blond parrot, you certainly haven’t lost your spunk. Sporty?”
“Parrot?” Lulu mouthed to Theo before rolling her eyes.
“Oh, I’m Lulu, and my life is so hard because everyone gives me cute little nicknames even though I’m really mean,” Theo delivered in a whiny female voice.
“Chubby, I believe I was speaking to Sporty, not you,” Mrs. Wellington said as her lips dipped a shade darker. Due to oversized capillaries, Mrs. Wellington’s lips darkened whenever she was embarrassed, irritated, or angry.
“Every morning I’m up at six to hit the beach for an hour, ride some waves, get in the zone,” Garrison answered. “It’s pretty awesome. I’m a beach bum; the water’s my life now. So it’s been cool to see you, but the waves are calling me, if you know what I mean.”
“Well, I suppose I will have to let you go home, then. And please don’t worry about Schmidty, the animals, or myself—we’ll manage somehow. Although it would have been so helpful to have all of your eyes and ears to help stop this beast from stealing my most prized possessions…”
“Oh dear,” Madeleine said, gasping. “Has he taken family heirlooms?”
“Worse! My wigs! The burglar has stolen every single one of my wigs, except the one I’m wearing. Have you any idea how long it takes Mrs. Luigi to grow her hair to make one of my wigs? Three years! And it’s not just the wigs; the burglar has also taken four crowns, six sashes, one plate of Casu Frazigu cookies, two framed pageant photos, four lipsticks, and a nail file. Soon there’ll be nothing left but my bald head.”
“Who would want that stuff?” Garrison asked.
“An old pageant rival dying to get revenge. Everyone knows a beauty queen is nothing without her hair.”
“But aren’t all your pageant rivals dead by now?” Theo wondered.
“I’ll have you know, at least three of my rivals are still living… in nursing homes. And you would be surprised how fast they can move with a walker and a tank of oxygen. I’ve put Munchauser on the case. He’s investigating the ladies; he sends updates weekly.”
“I bet the guy in the forest is stealing your stuff. You know, Abernathy? Your greatest failure, the one student you couldn’t help… blah blah blah,” Lulu uttered in a bored tone.
“It is awfully suspicious that Abernathy always appears during the burglaries. But it’s impossible. Abernathy simply couldn’t be the thief—he’s terrified to enter Summerstone,” Mrs. Wellington said, rubbing her chin.
“I’m no Sherlock Holmes—although I think with a little training I could be—but it’s obvious Abernathy is working in cahoots with someone. Come on, Mrs. Wellington, haven’t you ever read Nancy Drew? I mean, we don’t need CSI to solve this,” Theo finished.
“Abernathy has never really had any friends. The likelihood of him finding an accomplice seems highly improbable. He lives in the Lost Forest. Who is he going to enlist, a squirrel?”
“Maybe not a squirrel, but you would be surprised what raccoons can do,” Theo said knowingly. “They have opposable thumbs and great night vision. Born burglars.”
“Well, there you have it! The raccoons are behind it. Guess it’s time for us to hit the road,” Lulu said decisively.
“Yes, I suppose it is. But just one thing before you go,”
Mrs. Wellington said with a smirk.
CHAPTER 5
EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:
Ornithophobia is the fear of birds.
Schmidty, please get the lights,” Mrs. Wellington said mischievously as she turned on the projector and clicked a slide into focus. “Here we have the lovely Miss Lulu Punchalower at twelve-thirty PM in the lobby of her dentist’s office on Brystale Avenue. And may I add, what a lovely neighborhood you live in. I adore all the trees and shrubbery.”
“Um, this is a total invasion of privacy. I could sue you,” Lulu retorted.
“By all means. I believe you’re acquainted with my attorney, Munchauser,” Mrs. Wellington said icily as she held Lulu’s stare.
“And here is Lulu again at one-ten PM, still waiting for someone ‘to happen’ to ride the elevator with her, which, lucky for Lulu, finally occurs at one-thirty PM, making her only one hour late for the appointment. Then there are the fake trips to the restroom while out with her family…”
“Lulu, I’m horrified. Is nothing sacred?” Theo squawked, shaking his head.
“What? So maybe I like someone to accompany me when taking the elevator or entering small bathrooms with tricky locks. Big deal! I may not be totally cured, but sort of cured is more than enough to get me through life,” Lulu said indignantly.
“Life is about more than just getting through, Lulu,” Theo said poignantly. “I guess that’s just another lesson unelected people don’t understand.”
“And now on to London…”
“Surely you didn’t send someone all the way across the Atlantic to check in on me?” Madeleine asked tensely. “Going through customs alone is such a headache, not to mention the currency exchange.”
“Never underestimate a beauty queen with airline miles,” Mrs. Wellington said with a snicker. “Madeleine, it appears that you have nearly emptied your piggy bank with under-the-table payments to Wilbur the exterminator.”
“It is not a piggy bank! It’s a travel fund.”
“Oh, my apologies, dear. A travel fund is much more dignified to pilfer from in the name of bedroom exterminations and netting. Yes, dear girl, we have pictures of the veil you’ve been wearing to sleep, waking up early to take it off so your parents don’t find out. Absolutely shameful.”
“I cannot believe that you went to such lengths to check in on me. A letter would have sufficed,” Madeleine said huffily to Mrs. Wellington.
“Am I to suppose that you would have given me an honest assessment? I don’t think so.”
“Oh, I tried, Mrs. Wellington! But there was an outbreak of mutant palmetto bugs in the United Kingdom, something to do with global warming…”
“Don’t wait for retirement to save the environment,” Theo proudly announced.
“They’ve been bombarding me with images on the telly. I couldn’t take the chance of a mutant tiptoeing across my face at night with all my senses drowned in REM waves. The bugs could have laid eggs in my hair, my eyebrows—why, even on my eyelashes. I simply couldn’t allow that to happen…” Madeleine trailed off before lowering her head in disgrace.
“Then there’s… the surfer,” Mrs. Wellington said, suspiciously eyeing Garrison.
“Yup, that’s right. I’m a surfer. I love the water,” Garrison offered in a cracking voice.
“Well, you do have the wet suit,” Mrs. Wellington said while clicking a slide. “And the tan, and the—”
“Sorry to interrupt, but I have to say it. I think Garrison is too tanned. He clearly needs a refresher in the dangers of the sun,” Theo said knowingly. “He’ll be a raisin before he’s thirty if he keeps this up. And friends don’t let friends grow up to be raisins.”
“As I was saying, Garrison,” Mrs. Wellington continued, without any regard for Theo’s comments, “you may have the tan and the board, but an actual surfer? No. However, I give you credit—it certainly took a great deal of work to wake up, walk down to the beach, get all sandy, wet your hair in the public bathroom, then head to school.”
“The public bathroom at the beach?” Theo murmured to himself in disgust. Just thinking about it made him want to take a bath in Purell.
“The currents are like arms pulling me in different directions. I only just learned to doggy-paddle in a pool. And all these storms make the water even choppier. Then there’s tsunamis, and hurricanes, and floods—it’s just too much! You can’t tell anyone, please! It’s my whole thing, Garrison the surfer. My dad’s even stopped making fun of me…. I can’t go back to that.”
“You can’t build a house on a rocky foundation,” Theo said, shaking his head judgmentally at Garrison.
“Oh, what now—you’re a construction worker?” Garrison mouthed off.
“Honestly, Theo, I have never seen you take such delight in others’ misery. You ought to be ashamed of yourself,” Madeleine stated emphatically.
Theo blanched, placing his left hand dramatically across his chest, clearly wounded by Madeleine’s comments.
“And then there was Chubby.”
“No need to waste your time on me. I’ve been a dream. Sure, there’s the odd occasion I worry about something, but it’s never anything irrational. Just everyday stuff like returning my library books on time, because let me tell you, that nickel a day can really add up.”
“Chubby, I’m not even going to get into the horrible disguises you wore to spy on your family members or the reports you submitted to your parents on your siblings’ outings.”
“You can’t tell them! They’ll kill me! I only just convinced them the doorman was behind it. Sure, they’ve been pelting him with pickled eggs from the Korean deli, but he’s a strong guy. He can take it.”
“Not to worry, Chubby. I am far more interested in discussing your personal deforestation plan.”
“Some environmentalist,” Lulu scoffed.
“Um, Lulu, have you not heard my slogans? I am all about the environment,” Theo said before turning toward Mrs. Wellington. “That whole tree thing was a simple misunderstanding. I thought the newscaster said pine flu. I mean who calls pigs swine? Why not call it pig flu? It’s really the fault of those fancy-name-using newscasters.”
“I think you need help,” Lulu said to Theo, “and I don’t mean that in a kind or caring way.”
“Yes, well, he certainly isn’t the only one, now, is he?” Mrs. Wellington snapped. “And what is this abomination of posture? Why, it’s as if evolution never happened!”
The contestants immediately threw their shoulders back and sat straight as boards.
“Good,” Mrs. Wellington said coolly. “Now that we have clarified the fact that you all need to be here, there is something I must ask you. Have any of you been careless and babbled to an outsider about our institution, inadvertently inspiring them to come and steal from me? Perhaps you remember speaking with a bald person desperately in need of some hair?”
Madeleine slowly raised her hand. “I am absolutely certain, that is, positively one hundred percent sure, that I did not speak to anyone regarding School of Fear. I told everyone that I spent the summer at a United Nations debate camp in New York.”
Mrs. Wellington nodded, then turned toward Lulu.
“What!” Lulu said defensively in response to Mrs. Wellington’s stare. “I told everyone I was in a juvenile detention center.”
“A painfully plausible story,” Mrs. Wellington said as she looked to Garrison.
“I didn’t say anything. And as far as everyone in Florida is concerned, I was at surf camp in Hawaii last summer.”
“And you, Chubby?” Mrs. Wellington said with a heavy dollop of doubt.
“It’s in the vault, a place no one can access, not even me. Well, that’s not entirely true, because it’s my vault, but you know what I mean.”
“No, Chubby, I’m afraid I don’t,” Mrs. Wellington said with darkening lips. “Please explain.”
“Well, I had been planning on telling everyone I was on an archeological dig or at space camp o
r interning at the White House. Something really exciting, because that’s what people have come to expect from me,” Theo said haughtily. “But my derelict brother, whom I may add Lulu was instantly taken with, decided to tell everyone I was at fat camp instead.”
“A most believable story. Please commend your derelict brother on my behalf,” Mrs. Wellington said before rubbing her chin and furrowing her brow.
“Mrs. Wellington, a bit ago you mentioned Munchauser sending updates. Does this mean you finally receive post?” Madeleine asked excitedly.
“No, Miss Madeleine,” Schmidty explained from the side of the room, “I’m afraid it’s far more rudimentary than receiving mail. Munchauser calls a local boy with updates, which the boy then transcribes on a piece of paper before riding his bike to the base of Summerstone and dropping it in the letterbox. I then reel the box up using a dumbwaiter.”
“That sounds really simple; I’m totally ditching my cell phone when I get home,” Lulu said sarcastically. “Maybe I’ll even look into getting a carrier pigeon.”
“I feel the need to go on the record as saying that pigeons are not very clean, and I’m not just talking about bird flu, which, on an aside, is not as I previously thought, a bird with a runny nose and a cough. Pigeons have been known to carry everything from cryptococcosis to bedbugs,” Theo said authoritatively as his stomach grumbled loudly. “I’m starving. When’s lunch?”
“It’s eleven AM, Theo,” Lulu said, rolling her eyes.
“I hardly ate any breakfast. I’m trying to work on my portion control. But do you realize how small an actual portion of cereal is? It’s, like, four cornflakes and half a raisin. Fine, a whole raisin. But that’s not enough for a growing man!”
“Chubby, not to worry. We will have a proper lunch when the new contestant arrives,” Mrs. Wellington announced casually.
CHAPTER 6