EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:
Isolophobia is the fear of being alone.
I think I’m going to cry today, because I am going away! I miss my mommy and daddy and they’re right in front of me,” a small girl sang off-key in the backseat of a Honda Civic as her parents in the front seat shook their heads in frustration.
“Child, your singing is pushing me to the brink of insanity,” a middle-aged Indian man said in a thick accent.
“Daddy! I promise I won’t sing for the rest of the summer. Just let me stay with you! Please, Daddy! Please!”
“No, we can’t. Your brothers and sisters have gone on strike. They say you take all our attention, twenty-four hours a day. You are the work of twenty children! This cannot go on!”
“Mommy, let’s run away from Daddy. We can start a new life on a rice paddy!”
“We have been over this. This is for your own good as well as the good of the entire family. Don’t you care about your brothers and sisters? Don’t you want them to be happy?” the young girl’s American mother asked from the passenger seat.
“Not if their happiness means my being alone.”
“You won’t be alone. You will be with a teacher and other students all summer.”
“Fine…”
“And please try not to sing…”
Displeasure never displayed itself quite as overtly as it did on Lulu’s face when she learned that another contestant was to join School of Fear. The young girl’s cheeks had gone red and splotchy, but most notable were Lulu’s hardened eyes, which she kept perfectly trained on Mrs. Wellington. Theo watched Lulu with a mixture of fear and admiration. He had never been able to scare anyone with a stare, or even with words, for that matter.
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Maybe Mrs. Wellington was talking about a new cat or dog,” Theo whispered to Lulu from the side of his mouth.
Lulu momentarily broke her focus on Mrs. Wellington to assess what Theo had said. She had to admit it was a possibility.
“Are you talking about a new cat or dog or an animal of any kind?” Lulu asked Mrs. Wellington, her head cocked to the left.
Theo watched Mrs. Wellington intently, as if trying to will the old woman to say yes. Not only did he wish to appease Lulu, but he wasn’t keen on a new student either.
“I am afraid not, Lulu. The new contestant is human, or so her parents claim. However, should the contestant surprise us with a fur coat and sharp teeth, Macaroni will be thrilled. He’s been a bit lonely since those nutters down the street, the Knapps, have stopped letting Jeffrey come for playdates.”
“No, thanks, Mrs. Wellington,” Lulu interrupted. “This bunch of weirdos is more than enough for me. Let’s return this new one. Get a refund. Store credit. I don’t care, just send it away. Do whatever you need to do, but no new contestant.”
“I’ve got to agree. What if it’s another…” Garrison paused while looking at Theo.
“I hear you, Gary,” Theo said obliviously. “Another Lulu would be rough on me too. Just might be the straw that broke the hall monitor’s back.”
“Enough with the Gary,” Garrison snapped.
“A little aggressive for a surfer, don’t you think?” Theo muttered under his breath.
“Perhaps we’re being needlessly negative,” Madeleine chimed in before Garrison could respond to Theo. “Maybe he will be a lovely addition to the group.”
“It’s a she, not a he,” Mrs. Wellington corrected Madeleine.
“Oh, well, that is absolutely wonderful,” Madeleine said meekly, while glancing over at Garrison.
It was a tad irrational and extremely overprotective, but Madeleine simply could not bear it if Garrison were taken with the new contestant. Why, it would be absolute torture! What if she were some beach-loving surfette? Madeleine knew it to be petty and wrong, but she said a silent prayer for the girl to be outrageously unattractive. Even as Madeleine thought it, she felt dreadful. It was such an un-Madeleine thing to wish, but crushes have been known to make girls go utterly batty.
As Mrs. Wellington expounded on the many virtues of having new energy at Summerstone, there was a knock at the door. Before anyone could answer, Schmidty entered with a petite young girl. Half Indian and half American, the girl had an utterly adorable face, complete with a toothy smile and matching dimples. Dressed in a blue pantsuit with a string of pearls and a briefcase, the child’s style was a great deal more grown-up than her age.
“Schmidty, is this the housekeeper I ordered from the catalog? I must say, I had no idea they dressed them so professionally.”
“Madame, you ordered a self-cleaning vacuum, not a child laborer; those tend to be frowned upon in developed nations. This is Hyacinth Hicklebee-Riyatulle, our new student.”
“I always wanted a hyphenated name. I even asked the tooth fairy for one, but alas, it never came,” Mrs. Wellington said, stepping toward the smiling young girl. “Welcome to School of Fear.”
“Oh my gosh, I am so super-duper excited to be here,” Hyacinth said in a bubbly and overly energetic voice. “At first I thought, no way am I leaving my friends and family for the summer. But then my mom explained that I would be with other kids and you and Schmidty the whole time. And in truth, I had absolutely no choice in the matter since mom and dad said that if I didn’t come here, they were going to drop me off on the side of a deserted highway. After that, I got really, really, really, really excited. So excited, in fact, that I wrote a song about it. Should I sing it? Does anyone have a harmonica handy? Mom didn’t think I should bring mine.”
“Uh,” Mrs. Wellington uttered as she looked at the perplexed faces of Theo, Garrison, Lulu, and Madeleine. “Perhaps we should save singing for the talent portion of the program. Now then, Hyacinth…”
“I prefer to go by Hyhy. All of my friends call me Hyhy, and I consider all of us friends, even though we haven’t technically met. Oh my gosh, do you feel that? We’re having an imaginary group hug from across the room.”
“Yes, well, as long as we keep it imaginary, everything shall remain civilized,” Mrs. Wellington said as she assessed the overactive young girl. “Why don’t you let go of Schmidty’s hand and take a seat?”
“OK. Can I hold your hand? I love holding hands. I feel really connected when I am holding someone’s hand. And what’s better than feeling connected to people?”
“Silence,” Lulu muttered to herself before rolling her eyes. “Silence is definitely better.”
Ignoring Hyacinth’s request to hold her hand, Mrs. Wellington pointed to the desk in front of Theo, believing him to be most likely to embrace the chatty child. Hyacinth immediately pushed her desk between Theo’s and Madeleine’s as Garrison and Lulu watched in shock from behind.
“Hyacinth, you are new, so I shall overlook this infraction, but I don’t take kindly to contestants moving furniture.”
“It’s Hyhy, remember? And sorry. I just wanted to sit next to my new besties,” Hyacinth said as she looked at Madeleine and Theo with a manic grin.
“I hate to be a stick-in-the-mud, but I’m feeling like this relationship is moving a bit fast for me,” Theo said. “I don’t even remember your last name, and you don’t even know my first name, and already we’re at bestie status. And truth be told, you’re a little young for me. I mean, what are you, eight?”
“I’m ten, but I’m small for my age. I believe age is a mind-set; numbers don’t really matter, so let’s not let that stop our friendship.”
“Well, I must agree with Hyacinth about age,” Mrs. Wellington said seriously.
“Hyhy!” Hyacinth corrected Mrs. Wellington.
“Madame, when death is the next stage in life, age is more than a mind-set,” Schmidty explained to Mrs. Wellington.
“I can’t bear the idea of dying without my wigs! To be buried with just one wig is too horrible. One must have options, even in death,” Mrs. Wellington mumbled to Schmidty before returning her eyes to young Hyacinth.
Smiling wi
dely, Hyacinth reached into her briefcase and pulled out a furry noodle-type creature on a leash.
“I really wish you had listened to me about returning her, Mrs. Wellington. She brought a rat on a leash,” Lulu said disdainfully.
“Is he up-to-date on his rabies shots?” Theo yelped while pushing his chair away from Hyacinth. “Rats, like pigeons, carry a lot of diseases. Diseases that I don’t have antibiotics for at this current time.”
“Celery is a ferret, not a rat. And she is my absolute best friend, the bestie of all besties. Plus she’s my official food taster,” Hyacinth said with a smile. “Oh my gosh, the dog is totally giving Celery the eye. They’re going to be such great friends!”
Macaroni was most definitely not giving Celery the eye or wishing to be her best friend. As a matter of fact, Macaroni didn’t much care for animal friends anymore. The dog had been downright relieved when Jeffrey the poodle’s parents, the Knapps, had a falling-out with Mrs. Wellington, bringing all canine playdates to an end. Apparently, the couple who insisted on wearing matching clothes at all times thought it negligent that Mrs. Wellington refused to get Macaroni braces to correct his underbite. Of course, one must remember that the Knapps pushed Jeffrey in a pram, fed him from a bottle, and burped him after meals.
Hyacinth dangled Celery in front of Macaroni in hopes of cementing the animal love connection as Madeleine watched in utter bewilderment.
“Pardon the personal question, Hyacinth, but are you a member of royalty?” Madeleine asked seriously.
“Oh my gosh! Do I seem like a princess?”
“No, not in the slightest, but members of royalty traditionally have used food tasters, which is why I inquired.”
“Oh,” Hyacinth said, nodding her head, “that makes total sense, but Celery tastes my food because I have a peanut allergy.”
“Listen, I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot, because we need both feet to walk.” Theo awkwardly stumbled over his words. “But you didn’t answer my rabies question. And I am sitting pretty close to you, so I think I have a right to know.”
“You are so funny! Celery is up-to-date on all her shots. One day when you are giving a toast at my wedding, you’ll be able to tell this story. Don’t you just love making memories?”
“Is that what we’re doing?” Theo asked. “Am I the only one who missed that?”
“You’re ten and you’re already talking about your wedding,” Garrison said with surprise.
“Don’t you wish there were friend weddings? Then we could all marry each other!” Hyacinth said with brimming enthusiasm as she looked from Theo to Madeleine to Lulu to Garrison.
“So, Hyacinth,” Mrs. Wellington interrupted.
“Hyhy.”
“Even her name annoys me,” Lulu muttered to Garrison.
“Yes, of course, Hyhy, your terribly dignified nickname,” Mrs. Wellington continued. “I would like to introduce you to Theo, fear of hidden dangers and/or death affecting either him or his family; Madeleine, fear of spiders and insects; Lulu, fear of confined spaces; and Garrison, fear of water. Contestants, this is Hyacinth, fear of being alone.”
“Oh, wait,” Hyacinth said as she leaned her ear against the ferret’s mouth before nodding her head multiple times. “Celery is feeling a little left out because you didn’t introduce her to my new besties, and she is my original bestie, the best bestie!”
“Contestant,” Mrs. Wellington admonished. “We may need to create a time limit for you when speaking, as I am quite sure I aged at least a year between all those besties. Now then, am I to presume that Celery the ferret speaks English?”
“I’m afraid not,” Hyacinth said, shaking her head.
“Then how are you communicating with the animal?” Mrs. Wellington pressed on.
“I understand Ferret,” Hyacinth responded confidently.
“You understand Ferret?” Mrs. Wellington asked incredulously.
“Yes, it’s one of the many skills I bring to a friendship. I think that’s why Celery and I are so popular. We have a lot to say between the two of us.”
“Yes, we’ve noticed. I ought to tell you that I happen to speak Ferret fluently.”
Hyacinth looked at Mrs. Wellington seriously before she again leaned in and listened to her ferret. “OK, this is really awkward for me, because you are my friend and Celery’s my friend, and I don’t want to get caught in the middle, but Celery says you’re… lying.”
“I happen to sit on the board of the North American Human Ferret Speakers. What does your ferret have to say about that?” Mrs. Wellington retorted.
“Wow, this is getting really intense for me. I hate being stuck between friends,” Hyacinth said before turning toward Madeleine. “Mad Mad, I’m going to need to lean on you during this difficult time of being stuck between two friends in a snit.”
“Mad Mad?” Madeleine repeated. “I’m terribly sorry, Hyacinth, but I prefer Madeleine or Maddie. And did you mean lean on me literally or figuratively? Not to be difficult, but if you meant that literally, perhaps you could put Celery down first. Not that I don’t think she’s absolutely charming—”
“Wait just a sec, Mad Mad,” Hyacinth interrupted as she again pressed her ear to Celery’s mouth. “Mrs. Wellington, Celery wants me to tell you this, and it’s really hard for me to do, but here it goes. Celery said there is no such thing as this Human Ferret Board.”
“Does anyone else feel like they’re stuck in a creepy cartoon?” Garrison asked seriously. “I always hated cartoons where animals talk… it’s just not right.”
“There’s a whole lot of not right in this room,” Lulu added as she watched Hyacinth again press Celery’s mouth to her ear. “And I’m not even talking about the kid’s pantsuit or briefcase.”
“Celery is positive that you don’t know how to speak Ferretish,” Hyacinth retorted.
“It’s called Ferretese. And I will show that dubious little rodent. Chhjunnnnchhhhjunn,” Mrs. Wellington chirped, while Theo, Madeleine, Lulu, and Garrison lowered their heads in shame. They each felt it was terribly undignified, even for Mrs. Wellington.
“Madame, I am loath to interrupt you when you are attempting to converse with a ferret in a made-up language, but I feel I must bring to your attention that you are attempting to converse with a ferret in a made-up language. Perhaps it’s time for a short break?” Schmidty asked while nudging Mrs. Wellington gently.
“Well, I could use a lip-gloss refresher and a spritz of perfume. I would love a wig change, but of course that is out of the question,” Mrs. Wellington blustered as she exited the ballroom after Schmidty.
“So Mad Mad, Celery is dying to know whether you spell your name like the French cookie or like the girl in the book.”
“I certainly am not trying to be cheeky, but did I mention that I prefer Madeleine or Maddie, but not Mad Mad?”
“What? No way. You can’t be serious. Come on. I’m Hyhy. She’s Lulu, you’re Mad Mad, he’s Gar Gar, and that’s Thee Thee. You can’t mess up the Five Friends Forever Group!”
“Bet Gary’s sounding a whole lot better these days, Gar Gar,” Theo said to Garrison with a smirk.
Garrison grunted loudly in frustration before running his hands through his blond locks. “No way, ferret girl. There is no way I am letting you call me Gar Gar or Maddie Mad Mad or even Theo Thee Thee, although he may not mind. But there is definitely no Mad Mad or Gar Gar.”
“Yeah, and there’s no Five Friends Forever Group, we just met you, and you’re younger than all of us, so if anyone’s doing the whole group leader thing, it’s not going to be you, got it?” Lulu said firmly.
Hyacinth nodded her head dramatically before once again pressing her ear to Celery’s mouth. “Oh, no, Celery says you guys hate me,” Hyacinth said before exploding into a loud wail. “You really hate me!”
“Hyacinth, we most certainly do not hate you. And I think perhaps it’s best that you stop listening, or pretending to listen, or whatever it is you are doing with
that ferret.”
“Why are you yelling at me?” Hyacinth screamed at Madeleine between sobs.
“Yelling? I most certainly was not yelling at you. I only spoke loudly because you are crying at a very high decibel.”
“Are you mad because the British Empire is over? Because I had nothing to do with that!”
“Pardon me? But are you totally bonkers? What on earth are you running on about the fall of the British Empire for?” Madeleine said forcefully.
“It’s never a good sign when Maddie gets angry,” Theo mumbled to no one in particular.
“Theo, now is hardly the time,” Madeleine snapped.
“You are absolutely right, and I say that as a man with a sash.” Theo paused before looking meaningfully at Hyacinth. “That’s right, I’m an elected official.”
Hyacinth again pushed Celery’s face into her ear and nodded emotionally. “Celery says she’s really surprised someone elected a marshmallow. That was Celery, not me, so please don’t hate me, Thee Thee! Celery has always had a thing against chubby people. I think she’s secretly afraid you’ll sit on her. Oh, please! Please don’t hate me!”
“Oh, yeah?” Theo said while looking the ferret square in the eye. “I may be a marshmallow, but I have a graham cracker,” Theo said, pointing to Lulu, “a piece of chocolate,” he continued, pointing to Garrison, “and a fire,” he finished, pointing to Madeleine. “So I’m not just a marshmallow, I’m a s’more. And a s’more is more than you could ever be… ferret!”
“Theo,” Lulu said with a sigh, “did you just tell the ferret off?”
“Your comebacks stink, Theo. Seriously, we need to work on that,” Garrison said while pushing his blond mop from his face. “And I definitely wouldn’t suggest bringing food into it…. Wait, is that Wellington?”
Garrison pointed to the far window, through which the students watched Mrs. Wellington, followed by Schmidty, followed by Macaroni, chasing a very dirty but quick Abernathy across the booby-trapped and obstacle-ridden lawn.
“I guess they caught him stealing something in the house,” Garrison said with a shrug.