“Really?” Penny was surprised at the concern in Ann’s voice.
“Really. I’m happy to bear this for you, but what even is it? I’m worried. I’m making an appointment for you right now!” This was Ann’s lawyer voice, solicitous but with a competence and decisiveness she showed her clients but seldom her family. “There, she’ll see you at eleven-thirty.”
“Give me my pain back, then, if I’m going to the doctor,” Penny said.
“No. I’ll drive over and we can go to the doctor together. I’m in court this afternoon, but this morning I’m working from home.”
“Pick me up from campus then. I’ll take my first seminar and cancel the next. As long as I’m back by two for my lecture—is that when you’re due in court?”
As Penny drove her little Solari through the crisp fall morning, she tried to think what had been so different about her conversation with Ann. It had been like dealing with a friend, an equal. Maybe Ann was finally grown up enough that they could have a new kind of relationship? Or maybe it was having pain of her own to share. Apart from the usual array of viruses and skinned knees, all the pain Penny had ever experienced had been vicarious. It was hard to imagine that in the old days she’d barely have known what pain was, and been forced to endure the sight of other people suffering without being able to help at all.
In the ten o’clock seminar, the students were each giving five-minute presentations. The third student, Regina, was hit with pain and collapsed in the middle of hers. “Duleep!” she gasped.
The other students gasped too. “Lucky Reggie!” Danee observed. “I’ve been signed up for Duleep for two years, but never felt it.”
“While I’m sympathetic to your pain issue, let’s focus on our presentations now,” Penny said. “Could you continue until Regina is feeling better, Kim?”
Even hopelessly out-of-date Penny knew that Duleep was a Bollywood superstar who suffered from a kind of ulcer caused by the parasites endemic in the part of India where he had grown up. His pain was shared by his millions of fans worldwide. As with other celebrity figures who shared their pain, the recipients were thrilled to feel it. Regina’s writhings seemed exaggerated to Penny, but they wore off before she felt it necessary to comment. Once restored to her normal status, Regina sat quietly listening, and redid her presentation at the end. As class ended, all the other students were crowding around to compliment her on her luck and stoicism. Penny left them to it and walked out the long way around, down the slope of the hill avoiding the steps. Ann was waiting in the plaid Honda Sky she shared with Lionel.
When she slid in, Penny was horrified to see how drawn her daughter’s face was. “I’m glad we’re going to the doctor with this, because the sooner it’s fixed, the better,” Ann said, switching the car to self-drive mode. “I don’t know what this is, but it’s not good, Mom.” She hugged Penny, who hugged her back.
Once her blood had been drawn and tested, the diagnosis was almost instant. The doctor frowned, and ran it again, then handed the paper to Penny. “There’s no easy way to tell you this,” the doctor said.
“How can I be riddled with inoperable cancer?” she asked the doctor. “I didn’t feel a thing until today!”
The doctor frowned. “Have you been experiencing a lot of pain?” she asked. “Sometimes that can mask symptoms.”
She handed Ann the prognosis when she got back into the car. Ann hugged her again, then insisted on taking Penny’s pain back before they drove away. A chilly wind was blowing the leaves from the trees at the roadside. Before there were new green leaves, Penny would be dead. She couldn’t quite take it in.
“The first thing we need to do is sort out a pain management regime,” Ann said. “You’ve helped enough people. Lots of them will be happy to help you.”
“There are also painkillers, for cases like this,” Penny said.
Ann flinched as if her mother had said one of the five words you don’t say in church. “Mom. I love you. Other people love you. It won’t come to that. You don’t have to poison your body with those things, even if you are going to d-die.”
“This reminds me of the time when we had your diagnosis,” Penny said. “You were just a tiny baby. And you had this incurable disease that was going to give you pain forever. And your father and I were sure we could manage it. Delighted we lived now so that we could share the burden instead of being helpless and leaving you to suffer it alone.” They drove on, past the college, where Penny would not now teach out the school year. “How are you going to manage, Ann?”
“I’ll cope,” Ann said, stalwartly. “Dad will be there. And Lionel will do what he can. I’ll find a way to manage. Don’t worry about me now, Mom. Think about yourself.”
Penny looked out of the car window, as helpless in the face of her daughter’s suffering as any parent had ever been.
THREE SHOUTS ON A HILL
Dramatis Personae
(in order of appearance)
TUREENN, an Irish lord
BRIAN, his son
KEVIN, his son
AIDEEN, his daughter
LUGH, the king of Ireland
DANU, his wife and advisor
A DRAGON
AN AFRICAN GATEKEEPER
THE KING OF THE AFRICANS
THE MASTER OF THE WALLS
THE KING OF THE INCAS
THE QUEEN OF THE INCAS
An American GRANDMOTHER
A Japanese GATEKEEPER
A Japanese CAT
A Japanese THE EMPEROR OF JAPAN
THE QUEEN OF THE CATS
THE POPE
OLIVER CROMWELL
KING ARTHUR
ACT I
DANU: A blessing on all those who hear this story, and a blessing on all those who tell it.
Scene 1: Tureen’s Hall. TUREEN is sitting cleaning a gun. Enter BRIAN, KEVIN, and AIDEEN.
TUREEN: Call yourself children of mine! The way you three come slinking into the house shamefaced under cover of darkness you’d think you’d committed murder.
BRIAN: Sorry, Father . . .
TUREEN: You have? Well, I hope it was nobody important!
KEVIN: Actually . . .
TUREEN: Well then I hope at least you’ve managed to hide the body!
AIDEEN: Oh yes, Father, we have hidden the body! We’ve hidden it so well it’ll never be found.
TUREEN: Where have you hidden it?
KEVIN: It was like this, Father, we were walking along the road coming back from Tara and this stranger challenged—
TUREEN: I didn’t ask for justifications, I asked where you hid the body.
AIDEEN: We buried it at the crossroads where the road from Tara crosses the road from Galway and we planted some fast-growing willow above it. In a few days nobody will know the earth’s been disturbed.
TUREEN: There are better things you might have contrived, but that's not bad.
KEVIN: It was Aideen’s idea.
BRIAN: He was so astonishingly rude—
TUREEN: By the fact you admitted to murder and by the fact there are three of you and only one of him, there’s nothing you can say that will justify yourselves to me. If you weren’t my own children, I’d want nothing to do with any of you.
BRIAN: Sorry, Father.
KEVIN: But—Sorry, Father. It was thoughtless of us.
TUREEN: Thoughtless!
AIDEEN: You haven’t yet asked us who he was.
TUREEN: Who was he, then? I’m not sure I want to know.
AIDEEN: We didn’t know until too late. We thought he was just some incredibly rude old man. But after he was dead, we found out. He was Kian.
TUREEN: Kian? Kian, the son of Danka? Kian the father of the new king?
BRIAN: Sorry, Father.
TUREEN [shocked]: Well. Well, that’s a bad business. That’s about as bad as it can be. If Lugh finds out your lives won’t be worth an apple core.
BRIAN: Sorry, Father.
TUREEN: It’s not me you should apologise to.
AIDEEN: Nobody will find the body. King Lugh will never know.
TUREEN [cheering up a little]: On the other hand, you know, he just might take compensation.
AIDEEN: He’s Lugh of the Cunning Hand, the greatest of all heroes. He’s the greatest warrior and the greatest wizard and the greatest craftsman in all Ireland. He’s newly appointed king, to lead us against Cromwell when he comes back. Why would he take compensation from us when we’ve killed his father?
TUREEN: Kian was a cantankarous old cuss.
KEVIN: He came up and asked us to give way. Demanded it. We’d have given way at once if—
TUREEN: On the other hand, there were three of you, and you’re all well-armed young folk in the prime of life. Kian was an old man, alone.
KEVIN: He drew his sword first.
TUREEN: But then again, Lugh was brought up by his mother.
BRIAN: That’s old news.
TUREEN: What I mean is he didn’t know his father well.
AIDEEN: That could be good or bad.
KEVIN: It’s bad. If he’d known him well he’d understand why anybody might just naturally kill him after he picked a fight with them as they were coming home along the road peacefully. It’s a notable wonder that man lived to be old.
TUREEN: All considered, I think you should offer compensation. Lugh will set it high, since Kian was his father, but not higher than we can pay, since Kian started it. He knew him well enough to know that was likely. And he needs us. Cromwell is coming back. Last time, Cromwell killed everybody in Ireland except seven pregnant women who hid in a cave, my mother among them. Lugh can’t afford to waste his best warriors and wizards at a time like this.
AIDEEN: We hid the body.
TUREEN: Well, I admit that does look bad.
AIDEEN: Only if he finds it. And he’ll never find it. And if he did find it, who’s to say who killed him? Nobody was there. If none of the four of us speaks of it, nobody will ever know.
BRIAN: If we went to him, Lugh could ask our lives. Kian was his father, after all.
TUREEN: Lugh is a proud man, but a fair one. He’ll be a good king. He’s just the man we need to lead us against Cromwell. I think you should throw yourselves on his mercy. But—
AIDEEN: Nobody will find the body. Willow grows fast.
Scene 2: Lugh’s Hall, 3 months later. LUGH and DANU are sitting on the seat of judgement, AIDEEN, BRIAN, and KEVIN are standing before them.
LUGH: You know why I have called you here.
ALDEEN: No, lord. Is Cromwell coming early?
LUGH: My grandfather has not changed the date appointed for our meeting.
DANU: Can’t you guess any reason why the king might have summoned the three of you?
AIDEEN: No, lady, tell us.
DANU: There was a minstrel here last night.
KEVIN: A minstrel?
LUGH: A minstrel with a harp of willow, willow that she found growing at the crossroads. Ever since the minstrel made the harp, that harp would only play one tune, and the words of that tune were this: “The children of Tureen have killed the father of the king.”
KEVIN: What a tedious harp.
LUGH: You killed my father and now you’re joking about it? I should nail your guts to a tree and have you lashed around the tree until your guts are all pulled out and tripping you. I should have you flayed and wear your skin for my cloak. I should—
BRIAN: I’m sorry, lord! I’m so sorry.
AIDEEN: Will you take compensation?
LUGH: Compensation? For the murder of my father? From the people who killed my father and concealed his body so that the willow wands of the harp had to call out to me for vengeance?
KEVIN: I told you he wouldn’t take it.
AIDEEN: We did kill him. And we were three against one, and he was an old man. But Kian provoked us. He was a provoking man. He demanded we fight him, or we’d never have drawn our weapons. We’re loyal to you and our father is loyal to you, and we shouldn’t be fighting among ourselves when Cromwell is coming.
DANU: Perhaps you should have thought of that before you fought with Kian. Nevertheless, my lord, I think you should set compensation.
LUGH: What? [Danu whispers in his ear.]
AIDEEN [to her brothers]: I think we’re saved!
LUGH: I will take compensation. And the compensation will be this. Three apples, and a gun, and a chariot with two horses, and a black cloak, and a gold cup, and a clockwork toy, and a feather, and three shouts on a hill. If you think that is too much, tell me now, and I will remit part of it, because I will never remit a hair of it once we have agreed. Give me your pledge before what you hold holy that you will pay it, and I will give you my pledge that I will ask no more.
KEVIN: A feather?
AIDEEN: We will pay it, by all the gods, we would pay it a hundred times over.
KEVIN: We will gladly pay what you ask, by the beard of my father.
BRIAN: Oh yes, by father, son, and holy ghost, and so, so, sorry.
LUGH: Well . . .
The three apples are three golden apples from the Garden of the Hesperides at the bottom of the sea. They are guarded by a dragon. They are the size of the head of a child, they do not diminish when they are eaten, they come back to the hand when they are thrown, and they heal wounds and cure ailments. I will accept no other apples but these three apples.
And the gun that you have agreed to give me is the cannon that belongs to the pope of Rome, that’s mounted on the walls of his city and that protects it from all enemies. That gun can slay a thousand armed men with one shot. It’s defended by all the guards of Switzerland.
DANU: It’ll be very useful to us in our fight against Cromwell.
AIDEEN: I can see that. Go on, let us know what else it is we have to bring.
KEVIN: I’m very curious about that feather.
LUGH: You’re not cowards at least.
BRIAN: Oh no, lord!
LUGH: Well, the chariot with two horses belongs to the king of the Africans. The horses can run on land or water, and they’re the fastest horses that were ever seen, they can go in an eyeblink from one end of Ireland to the other.
The black cloak belongs to the king of the cats. Anyone who wears it can go unseen and unheard, and the only way you would know they were there was by smelling them.
AIDEEN: I understand, go on please.
LUGH: The gold cup belongs to the king of the Incas. If water is poured from it onto any dead person they will return to life the next morning. They have all their strength, and are as they were in life, except that they cannot speak.
DANU: You see how helpful that could be in battle.
KEVIN: Only if it’s a long battle.
LUGH: The last battle against Cromwell lasted seven days and nights.
KEVIN: Yes, it would certainly be useful in that situation.
LUGH: The clockwork toy belongs to the emperor of Japan. It’s thirty feet tall and ten men can ride on it. The sound of its voice sends enemies running, and its feet can crush a man in full armour.
BRIAN: Cromwell will flee from Ireland like a whipped cur!
KEVIN: Hush, now we’re getting to the feather.
LUGH: Ah yes, the feather. The feather belongs to the king of the Americans. It is the greatest treasure in their land. When it is stroked one way, it summons the thunder, and when it is stroked the other it summons the lightning.
KEVIN: That’s a feather worth questing for.
AIDEEN: And the three shouts on the hill?
LUGH: You think you will achieve the other things with no trouble?
AIDEEN: I just want to know the full measure of what we have already promised.
LUGH: Those three shouts you shall give on the hill of Glastonbury, where King Arthur lies sleeping, and where all of the armies of the English have sworn no sound shall be made that might disturb his sleep. Besides that, my father Kian was fostered among them, and learned arms there, so even if I forgive you, his English friends will not.
r /> DANU: Do this last. And before you do it, bring the other things you have gathered to us, so that they will not be lost when—if you fall.
AIDEEN: Well, it’s a hard task you set us, but we shall do our best.
Scene 3: Tureen’s hall. Present are TUREEN, AIDEEN, BRIAN, and KEVIN.
KEVIN: And if you stroke it the other way it brings the lightning. Then we have to return with all of that and give three shouts on the hill of Glastonbury.
TUREEN: Well, that’s bad, that is.
AIDEEN: I’m trying to decide the best order of doing it. Some of the things would help us a great deal in getting some of the others.
BRIAN: The apples would be useful if we were hurt. Or the cup if we happened to be killed.
TUREEN: You might be killed ten times over before bringing all these treasures back to Ireland.
BRIAN: The cloak might let us sneak in and take things. Or the cannon would be useful in killing the owners of some of the other treasures.
KEVIN: Don’t worry, brother, we’ll have our swords and spears if it comes to that.
AIDEEN: The chariot would make it much more convenient for going about the place—it’s a long way to Rome, never mind Japan, the kingdom of the Incas, and the kingdom of the Americans. But how would we get to Africa?
TUREEN: You should borrow Mananan’s boat. That boat can find its own way if you ask it where to go. It can go above the sea or under the sea.
KEVIN: But why would he lend it to us?
TUREEN: Mananan has a gesa that he can never refuse the second thing asked of him on any day. So you should go and ask to borrow his horse, and when he refuses, ask to borrow his boat. He’ll let you have it for a day, which should be long enough to go to the bottom of the sea and get the apples and then go to Africa and get the chariot. Once you have the chariot you can give back the boat and go about freely.
AIDEEN: Thank you, Father, that’s good advice.