TUREEN: But make sure you have the boat back on time, or Mananan will be after you, and he’s a very bad man to anger, besides being a neighbour of mine.
ACT II
Scene 1: In Mananan’s boat, directly above the Garden of Hesperides, in the sea near the island of Skye
AIDEEN: I’ve made three magic sticks that will let us breathe underwater. The only problem is that they’ll only last for an hour, so we want to be in and out as quickly as possible.
KEVIN: Do you think we can fight a dragon in an hour?
AIDEEN: Maybe we won’t have to fight.
KEVIN: Oh, so he’ll just give us the apples?
AIDEEN: Maybe we can trick the dragon.
BRIAN: How would we trick a dragon?
AIDEEN: I’ll think of something. Just follow my lead.
BRIAN: All right then.
KEVIN: Should we break the sticks?
AIDEEN: Yes, just like any magic sticks, crack them down hard on any part of your body.
BRIAN: Ow.
KEVIN: Let’s get down then. [The boat descends.]
AIDEEN: It’s very pretty underwater.
KEVIN: I see apple trees, that must be the garden.
AIDEEN: Let’s go down inside—the walls are only at the sides. Maybe we can—
DRAGON: Greetings, mortals from the world of air.
AIDEEN: Greetings, Sir Dragon, the most magnificent, the most splendid, the most terrifying, the supreme. So wonderful a dragon are you that as you curled around these underwater apple trees we thought you were a great wall.
DRAGON: Enough politeness. Introduce yourselves properly.
AIDEEN: I am Aideen, the daughter of Tureen, and these are my brothers Kevin and Brian.
DRAGON: Irish, are you?
AIDEEN: Yes, honoured dragon.
DRAGON: Not Greek?
AIDEEN: Not at all Greek.
DRAGON: Good, because I don’t like Greeks. There was a Greek fellow once who came here and stole my apples.
KEVIN: Then we’re too late?
DRAGON: What do you mean, too late?
AIDEEN: My brothers and I came hoping to see the famous golden apples of the Herperides. It would be very sad if some Greek had come and stolen them.
DRAGON: Well, he stole some. Apples grow on trees, you know. They've grown back.
KEVIN: Well, that’s good news. I see them now. Amazing. More the size of grapefruit than apples.
DRAGON: You haven’t come to steal them yourselves?
AIDEEN: No, oh no. We came to see them, and of course to see the famous dragon.
DRAGON: Famous, am I?
AIDEEN: Famous guardian of the famous apples. There’s a poem about your.
DRAGON: A poem? Interesting. But you needn’t think I’ll go to sleep while you recite it to me. That Greek fellow got away with that, but I'm wary now.
AIDEEN: Shall I recite it, while you listen alertly?
DRAGON: I suppose you might as well. One likes to know what people are saying about one, after all.
AIDEEN: King of apples, king of the sea
Pearl, light green filtered,
Under.
Floating, sinking, stretching,
Drawing down.
There will be bone,
There will be twisted shell,
And they will be the same.
There will be eyes and arms,
Opening, reaching,
There, under,
In the lacy light
In the afternoon,
Settling slow to the seabed
With fishes swimming in and out
And the apple trees
Impossible, undersea, blossoming slow
Without breath,
Drifting, opening
Settling
Under
Drawing down
Under
Reaching, reaching,
Opening,
Golden scales falling,
Arms embracing
That will be pale coral, spiralled shell
Old bones to new rock . . .
DRAGON: I’m not asleep! I see you two sneaking around behind me while your sister lulls me. Tries to lull me. That was the worst poem I ever heard. Oh, draw your sword will you?
KEVIN: I knew it wouldn’t work, but take this!
DRAGON: Did nobody tell you it’s cheating to go in under the arm that way?
AIDEEN: Brian, quick, get the apples!
BRIAN: I’ve got them.
KEVIN: He’s dead, I think. Fortunately, fire doesn’t work too well underwater.
AIDEEN: Well struck, brother.
BRIAN: Boat, take us back up, quickly.
KEVIN: That was a very strange poem. I thought our air was going to run out while you were going on and on. What did you mean, repeating under over and over like that?
BRIAN: She was trying to bore him to sleep.
AIDEEN: It’s a pity. If I’d known what the blood would look like billowing out red in the green water I’d have put that in too.
Scene 2: On the coast of Africa
KEVIN: I hope you have a better plan for getting the chariot from the king of the Africans.
AIDEEN: Why? That worked pretty well.
KEVIN: Only because I was ready.
BRIAN: Only because you saw the soft spot when the dragon turned around listening to the poem.
AIDEEN: We don’t have to worry about being wounded. The apples will cure us. And if we throw them, they’ll come back to us, and they’re huge, so they seem as if they’d do some damage. We should take one each and bear that in mind.
KEVIN: How are we going to get in? We’re going to be really conspicuous. I haven’t seen a single other white person since we got here.
AIDEEN: We’ll tell them we’re poets come all the way from Ireland.
BRIAN: Not everyone is as vain or as stupid as that dragon.
KEVIN: Not everybody is as slow and stupid as you.
BRIAN: I got the apples, didn’t I?
KEVIN: Eventually.
AIDEEN: Come on. Mananan will be angry with Father if we don’t get the boat back soon.
GATEKEEPER: Who goes there?
AIDEEN: I am Aideen, a poet from Ireland come to perform before the king of the Africans. These are my brothers Kevin and Brian.
GATEKEEPER: I’m afraid you’ve been misinformed.
AIDEEN: In what respect?
GATEKEEPER: Africa is a continent containing an empire, several kingdoms, and an oligarchy, divided by diverse deserts, jungles, and mountainous regions, inhabited by various populations who arrange their own political affairs. It is much bigger than Europe. It does not have a single king, any more than there’s a single king of the Europeans.
BRIAN: There isn’t?
AIDEEN: My magic boat (I have a magic boat you see, like most well-known Irish poets) brought me here when I asked for the king of the Africans. So the king of this place must be the best-known king of Africa, or the greatest king.
GATEKEEPER: The best known to Irish magic boats in any case. Did you come all this way alone, just the three of you?
BRIAN : We’re heroes. Who else would we need?
GATEKEEPER : I don’t suppose you’d like to leave your weapons here?
KEVIN: No, we like to keep them with us.
GATEKEEPER: I thought as much. Well, I’m sure the king will welcome you. Irish poets are certainly a novelty at court.
KEVIN : This isn’t going to work.
GATEKEEPER: Your Majesty, allow me to present the Irish poet Aideen, and her brother Kevin and Brian.
AIDEEN: We heard of the fame of your court and wanted to recite before you.
GATEKEEPER: They also have a magic boat.
KING OF THE AFRICANS: A magic boat, eh? Perhaps you should check that out, Gatekeeper, while they recite for me.
GATEKEEPER: I’m ahead of you.
AIDEEN: Brian . . .
BRIAN: What?
AIDEEN: Kevin?
KEVIN: I’ll go with y
ou, Sir Gatekeeper, and show you our boat.
GATEKEEPER: Maybe later.
KING OF THE AFRICANS: The thing is, I have a magic chariot.
AIDEEN: Good heavens. What can it do?
KING OF THE AFRICANS: It can run on either the land or the water, and it can get you from one end of Africa to the other in an hour and a half.
BRIAN: I heard—
KEVIN: Africa is a lot bigger than Ireland.
AIDEEN: Our boat can only go on the sea, but it can take you anywhere you ask to go, and it's also very fast. Perhaps we could have a race?
GATEKEEPER: An excellent idea, don’t you think, Your Majesty?
KING OF THE AFRICANS: An excellent idea. Let’s go down to the shore. Gatekeeper, saddle the horses.
AIDEEN: Perhaps, to make it more interesting, you should take the boat and I should take the chariot.
KING OF THE AFRICANS: I’m not sure my magic horses would perform as well for anyone else.
AIDEEN: You have magic horses too?
KING OF THE AFRICANS: They’re a set.
AIDEEN: How many can your chariot hold?
KING OF THE AFRICANS: Three . . . maybe four.
AIDEEN: Then how about if I ride with you, and your gatekeeper rides with my brothers? My boat can also hold four.
KING OF THE AFRICANS: It sounds like an excellent boat.
AIDEEN: It is. And your chariot sounds excellent too.
KING OF THE AFRICANS: Can your boat go up waterfalls? We have a number of notable waterfalls in our country that I often take my chariot up.
AIDEEN: I’ve never tried. It can go down to the bottom of the sea.
KING OF THE AFRICANS : And how do you breathe there?
KEVIN : That takes separate magic.
BRIAN: It’s a stick, you break it on yourself.
KEVIN: After that you can breathe underwater.
BRIAN: But it only lasts an hour.
KING OF THE AFRICANS: A very useful sort of magic. I don’t suppose you would consider relocating? We could use another wizard, and another two warriors would also be sure to come in handy. I’m considering conquering Egypt soon.
AIDEEN: It’s very tempting, but there’s to be a war in Ireland and we’ll be needed to defend our home and our old father. Besides, I’m not a wizard, I’m just a poet who happens to know a little magic. And the magic I know isn’t very useful in battle. But if you’d like to breathe underwater, I can give you this stick. Let’s race out to that island out there in the distance, and when we get there, break it on yourself and dive into the water.
KING OF THE AFRICANS: Yes! Wonderful! I’ve always wanted to breathe underwater.
GATEKEEPER: Wait. No. That would leave her alone in your chariot.
KEVIN: Well, it was worth a try.
AIDEEN: Let’s race.
GATEKEEPER: And they’re off. The boat pulls ahead at first, but as Madagascar gets closer the chariot is coming up fast on the inside. Can they do it? Can they do it? Kevin’s getting the last ounce of speed out of the boat, he clearly knows just how to handle it, but the chariot is pulling into the lead. But wait! What’s this? We agreed that Aideen wouldn’t use her magic water-breathing stick, but she’s getting a stick out and breaking it over the king. She’s grabbing the reins. Watch out, Your Majesty! Watch—(glub)
BRIAN: You didn’t need to throw him overboard.
KEVIN: I was getting sick of him rattling on that way. You’d think we couldn't see what was happening.
BRIAN: I hope he can swim.
KEVIN: Hey, Aideen, good work getting the chariot!
AIDEEN: I feel a bit bad about it.
KEVIN: Why?
AIDEEN: He wanted to breathe underwater, and I didn’t have any of those sticks left. So I turned him into a dolphin.
BRIAN: But don’t dolphins have to come up to breathe?
AIDEEN: Yes. That’s why I feel a bit bad. Where’s the gatekeeper?
KEVIN: Swimming to Madagascar.
Scene 3: Tureen’s Hall
TUREEN: Have you returned Mananan’s boat?
KEVIN: Yes, back where it belongs.
TUREEN: In good condition, I hope? I like to be on good terms with my neighbours—when my children aren’t murdering them that is.
AIDEEN: He’s not pleased that we tricked him into borrowing it, but we didn't do it any harm. It was very useful. Father—do you think we should give Lugh the apples now?
BRIAN: We should keep them. That way if we get hurt we can heal quickly.
KEVIN: We haven’t got hurt yet.
BRIAN: All the more reason to hold on to them.
AIDEEN: Also, I need to borrow a map. We didn’t need one before, because Mananan's boat knows the way, but you have to guide the chariot.
TUREEN: Have you murdered anybody else while you were away?
KEVIN: No! Well, I killed a dragon.
TUREEN: Dragons don’t count. You didn’t kill the African king?
AIDEEN: I turned him into a dolphin.
BRIAN: There was his gatekeeper.
KEVIN: It wasn’t all that far to shore.
TUREEN: The last time you tried to keep something from Lugh it went very badly. He's bound to find out from Mananan that you were here. I'd take him the apples if I were you.
AIDEEN: That’s what I thought.
KEVIN: What if he wants the chariot too?
AIDEEN: He must know that we need it to have any chance of getting hin the things before Cromwell arrives.
KEVIN: He might not worry about that. He’s destined to kill Cromwell.
BRIAN: Destiny isn’t so simple.
AIDEEN: Brian’s right. And besides, killing Cromwell isn’t winning the battle. If he kills Cromwell and everybody's dead except seven pregnant women in a cave—
TUREEN: Like last time . . .
AIDEEN: —Like last time, you can’t exactly call that winning.
TUREEN: Don’t forget the map.
Scene 4: Lugh’s Hall
AIDEEN: We have the apples, and we’re delivering them to you now.
LUGH: Good. Though three apples isn’t much for the life of my own father.
AIDEEN: We’ll get the other things. We just wanted you to have the apples now in case.
LUGH: Haven’t you got anything else?
AIDEEN: We have the chariot. But we need it to get to all the places we need to go.
DANU: She has a point there, beloved. If they’re going to go to South America, and North America, and Japan—
LUGH: All right, keep the chariot for now. But don’t think I’ve forgotten what you’ve done! At the end of all this, you’ll still have to give three shouts on a hill.
KEVIN: What will we shout, I wonder?
ACT III
Scene 1: In the Kingdom of the Incas, the Children of Tureen are walking through a city marked on their map as El Dorado.
BRIAN: Is this city really made of solid gold?
AIDEEN: I expect it’s just gold plated. It certainly is flashy when the sun strikes it.
KEVIN: With all this gold, I expect they wouldn’t miss one golden cup. We could just ask for it and go.
AIDEEN: I doubt golden cups that can bring people back to life are any more common here than they would be most places. It’s probably just made of gold because they have lots of gold. If we made a magic cup we’d make it out of something we have plenty of in Ireland. Wood, like my magic sticks.
BRIAN: Rain, maybe.
KEVIN: The problem will be telling it from all the others. In most king’s halls, a golden cup would stand out. Here, they could hide it in plain sight.
BRIAN: What are we going to say?
AIDEEN: The poet trick seems to be working.
KEVIN: I wouldn’t call that working!
BRIAN: What are those weird animals?
AIDEEN: Leave them alone, they’re not important.
BRIAN: That one spat at me!
KEVIN: She told you to leave them alone.
MASTER OF THE WALLS: I a
m the master of the walls. What brings you to the hidden city of Machu Picchu?
BRIAN: I thought it was called El Dorado.
MASTER: That is what the Spaniards call it.
AIDEEN: I am Aideen, the daughter of Tureen, a poet from Ireland. These are my brothers, Kevin and Brian.
BRIAN: Why do you always mention Kevin first?
KEVIN: Because I’m older. Or maybe because you’re covered in spit from that disgusting goat-thing.
MASTER: That’s a llama.
KEVIN: Thank you, that disgusting llama.
MASTER: I’m pleased to meet you all, but what brings you here?
AIDEEN: I wanted to perform poetry before the king of the Incas.
MASTER: Interesting. And how did you find us?
AIDEEN: The city is marked on my father’s map.
MASTER: And where did your father get that map?
AIDEEN: I don’t know. Ireland?
MASTER: Will you leave your weapons here?
KEVIN: We’d rather keep them, thank you.
MASTER: Well, you’d better come and perform your poetry. The king isn’t very fond of poetry, as he’s only six years old, but the queen might like it.
AIDEEN: I could manage a nursery rhyme.
MASTER : Queen of the Incas, young King of the Incas, I have here the children of Tureen, come from Ireland to perform poetry for you.
KING OF THE INCAS: Go on then.
QUEEN OF THE INCAS : Yes, relieve our boredom with some verse.
KEVIN: Every cup in this room is gold. I knew it.
AIDEEN: The sun rises on the golden splendor,
The sun sets in the evening,
Greatest treasure of the Incas is gold,
Where is the magical cup of renewal?
Who can say where it is?
BRIAN: That’s even worse than last time.
QUEEN OF THE INCAS: Is that it?
KING OF THE INCAS: That was really boring. Can we kill them now?
QUEEN OF THE INCAS: And it had a certain thematic issue that worries me.
MASTER: Yes, it seemed worryingly concerned with our greatest treasure.
AIDEEN: My father doesn’t believe there’s any such cup.
BRIAN: What?
AIDEEN: My father, who makes maps with your secret cities marked on them, doesn’t believe you have a magic cup. We came here because we wanted to see it. If it even exists.