The Battle of the Books and
Other Short Pieces
The Battle of the Books
and Other Short Pieces
by Jonathan Swift
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The Battle of the Books and
Other Short Pieces
Contents:
Preface
I.
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS
II.
A MEDITATION UPON A BROOMSTICK.
III.
PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR 1708.
IV.
THE ACCOMPLISHMENT OF THE FIRST OF MR. BICKERSTAFF'S
PREDICTIONS.
V.
BAUCIS AND PHILEMON.
VI.
THE LOGICIANS REFUTED.
VII. THE PUPPET SHOW.
VIII. CADENUS AND VANESSA.
IX. STELLA'S BIRTHDAYS
X.
TO STELLA
XI. THE FIRST HE WROTE OCT. 17, 1727.
XII. THE SECOND PRAYER WAS WRITTEN NOV. 6, 1727.
XIII. THE BEASTS' CONFESSION (1732).
XIV. ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY
XV. HINTS TOWARDS AN ESSAY ON CONVERSATION.
XVI. THOUGHTS ON VARIOUS SUBJECTS.
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The Battle of the Books and
Other Short Pieces
THE PREFACE OF THE AUTHOR.
SATIRE is a sort of glass wherein beholders do generally discover
everybody's face but their own; which is the chief reason for that
kind reception it meets with in the world, and that so very few are
offended with it. But, if it should happen otherwise, the danger
is not great; and I have learned from long experience never to
apprehend mischief from those understandings I have been able to
provoke: for anger and fury, though they add strength to the
sinews of the body, yet are found to relax those of the mind, and
to render all its efforts feeble and impotent.
There is a brain that will endure but one scumming; let the owner
gather it with discretion, and manage his little stock with
husbandry; but, of all things, let him beware of bringing it under
the lash of his betters, because that will make it all bubble up
into impertinence, and he will find no new supply. Wit without
knowledge being a sort of cream, which gathers in a night to the
top, and by a skilful hand may be soon whipped into froth; but once
scummed away, what appears underneath will be fit for nothing but
to be thrown to the hogs.
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The Battle of the Books and
Other Short Pieces
CHAPTER I - A FULL AND TRUE ACCOUNT
OF THE
BATTLE FOUGHT LAST FRIDAY
BETWEEN THE
ANCIENT AND THE MODERN BOOKS
IN SAINT JAMES'S LIBRARY.
WHOEVER examines, with due circumspection, into the annual records
of time, will find it remarked that War is the child of Pride, and
Pride the daughter of Riches:- the former of which assertions may
be soon granted, but one cannot so easily subscribe to the latter;
for Pride is nearly related to Beggary and Want, either by father
or mother, and sometimes by both: and, to speak naturally, it very
seldom happens among men to fall out when all have enough;
invasions usually travelling from north to south, that is to say,
from poverty to plenty. The most ancient and natural grounds of
quarrels are lust and avarice; which, though we may allow to be
brethren, or collateral branches of pride, are certainly the issues
of want. For, to speak in the phrase of writers upon politics, we
may observe in the republic of dogs, which in its original seems to
be an institution of the many, that the whole state is ever in the
profoundest peace after a full meal; and that civil broils arise
among them when it happens for one great bone to be seized on by
some leading dog, who either divides it among the few, and then it
falls to an oligarchy, or keeps it to himself, and then it runs up
to a tyranny. The same reasoning also holds place among them in
those dissensions we behold upon a turgescency in any of their
females. For the right of possession lying in common (it being
impossible to establish a property in so delicate a case),
jealousies and suspicions do so abound, that the whole commonwealth
of that street is reduced to a manifest state of war, of every
citizen against every citizen, till some one of more courage,
conduct, or fortune than the rest seizes and enjoys the prize:
upon which naturally arises plenty of heart-burning, and envy, and
snarling against the happy dog. Again, if we look upon any of
these republics engaged in a foreign war, either of invasion or
defence, we shall find the same reasoning will serve as to the
grounds and occasions of each; and that poverty or want, in some
degree or other (whether real or in opinion, which makes no
alteration in the case), has a great share, as well as pride, on
the part of the aggressor.
Now whoever will please to take this scheme, and either reduce or
adapt it to an intellectual state or commonwealth of learning, will
soon discover the first ground of disagreement between the two
great parties at this time in arms, and may form just conclusions
upon the merits of either cause. But the issue or events of this
war are not so easy to conjecture at; for the present quarrel is so
inflamed by the warm heads of either faction, and the pretensions
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The Battle of the Books and
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somewhere or other so exorbitant, as not to admit the least
overtures of accommodation. This quarrel first began, as I have
heard it affirmed by an old dweller in the neighbourhood, about a
small spot of ground, lying and being upon one of the two tops of
the hill Parnassus; the highest and largest of which had, it seems,
been time out of mind in quiet possession of certain tenants,
called the Ancients; and the other was held by the Moderns. But
these disliking their present station, sent certain ambassadors to
the Ancients, complaining of a great nuisance; how the height of
that part of Parnassus quite spoiled the prospect of theirs,
especially towards the east; and therefore, to avoid a war, offered
them the choice of this alternative, either that the Ancients would
please to remove themselves and their effects down to the lower
summit, which the Moderns would graciously surrender to them, and
advance into their place; or else the said Ancients will give leave
to the Moderns to come with shovels and mattocks, and level the
&nb
sp; said hill as low as they shall think it convenient. To which the
Ancients made answer, how little they expected such a message as
this from a colony whom they had admitted, out of their own free
grace, to so near a neighbourhood. That, as to their own seat,
they were aborigines of it, and therefore to talk with them of a
removal or surrender was a language they did not understand. That
if the height of the hill on their side shortened the prospect of
the Moderns, it was a disadvantage they could not help; but desired
them to consider whether that injury (if it be any) were not
largely recompensed by the shade and shelter it afforded them.
That as to the levelling or digging down, it was either folly or
ignorance to propose it if they did or did not know how that side
of the hill was an entire rock, which would break their tools and
hearts, without any damage to itself. That they would therefore
advise the Moderns rather to raise their own side of the hill than
dream of pulling down that of the Ancients; to the former of which
they would not only give licence, but also largely contribute. All
this was rejected by the Moderns with much indignation, who still
insisted upon one of the two expedients; and so this difference
broke out into a long and obstinate war, maintained on the one part
by resolution, and by the courage of certain leaders and allies;
but, on the other, by the greatness of their number, upon all
defeats affording continual recruits. In this quarrel whole
rivulets of ink have been exhausted, and the virulence of both
parties enormously augmented. Now, it must be here understood,
that ink is the great missive weapon in all battles of the learned,
which, conveyed through a sort of engine called a quill, infinite
numbers of these are darted at the enemy by the valiant on each
side, with equal skill and violence, as if it were an engagement of
porcupines. This malignant liquor was compounded, by the engineer
who invented it, of two ingredients, which are, gall and copperas;
by its bitterness and venom to suit, in some degree, as well as to
foment, the genius of the combatants. And as the Grecians, after
an engagement, when they could not agree about the victory, were
wont to set up trophies on both sides, the beaten party being
content to be at the same expense, to keep itself in countenance (a
laudable and ancient custom, happily revived of late in the art of
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The Battle of the Books and
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war), so the learned, after a sharp and bloody dispute, do, on both
sides, hang out their trophies too, whichever comes by the worst.
These trophies have largely inscribed on them the merits of the
cause; a full impartial account of such a Battle, and how the
victory fell clearly to the party that set them up. They are known
to the world under several names; as disputes, arguments,
rejoinders, brief considerations, answers, replies, remarks,
reflections, objections, confutations. For a very few days they
are fixed up all in public places, either by themselves or their
representatives, for passengers to gaze at; whence the chiefest and
largest are removed to certain magazines they call libraries, there
to remain in a quarter purposely assigned them, and thenceforth
begin to be called books of controversy.
In these books is wonderfully instilled and preserved the spirit of
each warrior while he is alive; and after his death his soul
transmigrates thither to inform them. This, at least, is the more
common opinion; but I believe it is with libraries as with other
cemeteries, where some philosophers affirm that a certain spirit,
which they call BRUTUM HOMINIS, hovers over the monument, till the
body is corrupted and turns to dust or to worms, but then vanishes
or dissolves; so, we may say, a restless spirit haunts over every
book, till dust or worms have seized upon it - which to some may
happen in a few days, but to others later - and therefore, books of
controversy being, of all others, haunted by the most disorderly
spirits, have always been confined in a separate lodge from the
rest, and for fear of a mutual violence against each other, it was
thought prudent by our ancestors to bind them to the peace with
strong iron chains. Of which invention the original occasion was
this: When the works of Scotus first came out, they were carried
to a certain library, and had lodgings appointed them; but this
author was no sooner settled than he went to visit his master
Aristotle, and there both concerted together to seize Plato by main
force, and turn him out from his ancient station among the divines,
where he had peaceably dwelt near eight hundred years. The attempt
succeeded, and the two usurpers have reigned ever since in his
stead; but, to maintain quiet for the future, it was decreed that
all polemics of the larger size should be hold fast with a chain.
By this expedient, the public peace of libraries might certainly
have been preserved if a new species of controversial books had not
arisen of late years, instinct with a more malignant spirit, from
the war above mentioned between the learned about the higher summit
of Parnassus.
When these books were first admitted into the public libraries, I
remember to have said, upon occasion, to several persons concerned,
how I was sure they would create broils wherever they came, unless
a world of care were taken; and therefore I advised that the
champions of each side should be coupled together, or otherwise
mixed, that, like the blending of contrary poisons, their malignity
might be employed among themselves. And it seems I was neither an
ill prophet nor an ill counsellor; for it was nothing else but the
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neglect of this caution which gave occasion to the terrible fight
that happened on Friday last between the Ancient and Modern Books
in the King's library. Now, because the talk of this battle is so
fresh in everybody's mouth, and the expectation of the town so
great to be informed in the particulars, I, being possessed of all
qualifications requisite in an historian, and retained by neither
party, have resolved to comply with the urgent importunity of my
friends, by writing down a full impartial account thereof.
The guardian of the regal library, a person of great valour, but
chiefly renowned for his humanity, had been a fierce champion for
the Moderns, and, in an engagement upon Parnassus, had vowed with
his own hands to knock down two of the ancient chiefs who guarded a
small pass on the superior rock, but, endeavouring to climb up, was
cruelly obstructed by his own unhappy weight and tendency towards
his centre, a quality to which those of the Modern party are
extremely subject; for, being li
ght-headed, they have, in
speculation, a wonderful agility, and conceive nothing too high for
them to mount, but, in reducing to practice, discover a mighty
pressure about their posteriors and their heels. Having thus
failed in his design, the disappointed champion bore a cruel
rancour to the Ancients, which he resolved to gratify by showing
all marks of his favour to the books of their adversaries, and
lodging them in the fairest apartments; when, at the same time,
whatever book had the boldness to own itself for an advocate of the
Ancients was buried alive in some obscure corner, and threatened,
upon the least displeasure, to be turned out of doors. Besides, it
so happened that about this time there was a strange confusion of
place among all the books in the library, for which several reasons
were assigned. Some imputed it to a great heap of learned dust,
which a perverse wind blew off from a shelf of Moderns into the
keeper's eyes. Others affirmed he had a humour to pick the worms
out of the schoolmen, and swallow them fresh and fasting, whereof
some fell upon his spleen, and some climbed up into his head, to
the great perturbation of both. And lastly, others maintained
that, by walking much in the dark about the library, he had quite
lost the situation of it out of his head; and therefore, in
replacing his books, he was apt to mistake and clap Descartes next
to Aristotle, poor Plato had got between Hobbes and the Seven Wise
Masters, and Virgil was hemmed in with Dryden on one side and
Wither on the other.
Meanwhile, those books that were advocates for the Moderns, chose
out one from among them to make a progress through the whole
library, examine the number and strength of their party, and
concert their affairs. This messenger performed all things very
industriously, and brought back with him a list of their forces, in
all, fifty thousand, consisting chiefly of light-horse, heavy-armed
foot, and mercenaries; whereof the foot were in general but sorrily
armed and worse clad; their horses large, but extremely out of case
and heart; however, some few, by trading among the Ancients, had
furnished themselves tolerably enough.
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The Battle of the Books and
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While things were in this ferment, discord grew extremely high; hot
words passed on both sides, and ill blood was plentifully bred.
Here a solitary Ancient, squeezed up among a whole shelf of
Moderns, offered fairly to dispute the case, and to prove by
manifest reason that the priority was due to them from long
possession, and in regard of their prudence, antiquity, and, above
all, their great merits toward the Moderns. But these denied the
premises, and seemed very much to wonder how the Ancients could
pretend to insist upon their antiquity, when it was so plain (if
they went to that) that the Moderns were much the more ancient of
the two. As for any obligations they owed to the Ancients, they
renounced them all. "It is true," said they, "we are informed some
few of our party have been so mean as to borrow their subsistence
from you, but the rest, infinitely the greater number (and
especially we French and English), were so far from stooping to so
base an example, that there never passed, till this very hour, six
words between us. For our horses were of our own breeding, our
arms of our own forging, and our clothes of our own cutting out and
sewing." Plato was by chance up on the next shelf, and observing
those that spoke to be in the ragged plight mentioned a while ago,
their jades lean and foundered, their weapons of rotten wood, their
armour rusty, and nothing but rags underneath, he laughed loud, and
in his pleasant way swore, by -, he believed them.
Now, the Moderns had not proceeded in their late negotiation with
secrecy enough to escape the notice of the enemy. For those
advocates who had begun the quarrel, by setting first on foot the
dispute of precedency, talked so loud of coming to a battle, that
Sir William Temple happened to overhear them, and gave immediate
intelligence to the Ancients, who thereupon drew up their scattered