CHAPTER V.
The author permitted to see the grand academy of Lagado. The academylargely described. The arts wherein the professors employ themselves.
This academy is not an entire single building, but a continuation ofseveral houses on both sides of a street, which growing waste, waspurchased and applied to that use.
I was received very kindly by the warden, and went for many days to theacademy. Every room has in it one or more projectors; and I believe Icould not be in fewer than five hundred rooms.
The first man I saw was of a meagre aspect, with sooty hands and face,his hair and beard long, ragged, and singed in several places. Hisclothes, shirt, and skin, were all of the same colour. He has been eightyears upon a project for extracting sunbeams out of cucumbers, which wereto be put in phials hermetically sealed, and let out to warm the air inraw inclement summers. He told me, he did not doubt, that, in eightyears more, he should be able to supply the governor's gardens withsunshine, at a reasonable rate: but he complained that his stock was low,and entreated me to give him something as an encouragement to ingenuity,especially since this had been a very dear season for cucumbers. I madehim a small present, for my lord had furnished me with money on purpose,because he knew their practice of begging from all who go to see them.
I went into another chamber, but was ready to hasten back, being almostovercome with a horrible stink. My conductor pressed me forward,conjuring me in a whisper to give no offence, which would be highlyresented; and therefore I durst not so much as stop my nose. Theprojector of this cell was the most ancient student of the academy; hisface and beard were of a pale yellow; his hands and clothes daubed overwith filth. When I was presented to him, he gave me a close embrace, acompliment I could well have excused. His employment, from his firstcoming into the academy, was an operation to reduce human excrement toits original food, by separating the several parts, removing the tincturewhich it receives from the gall, making the odour exhale, and scummingoff the saliva. He had a weekly allowance, from the society, of a vesselfilled with human ordure, about the bigness of a Bristol barrel.
I saw another at work to calcine ice into gunpowder; who likewise showedme a treatise he had written concerning the malleability of fire, whichhe intended to publish.
There was a most ingenious architect, who had contrived a new method forbuilding houses, by beginning at the roof, and working downward to thefoundation; which he justified to me, by the like practice of those twoprudent insects, the bee and the spider.
There was a man born blind, who had several apprentices in his owncondition: their employment was to mix colours for painters, which theirmaster taught them to distinguish by feeling and smelling. It was indeedmy misfortune to find them at that time not very perfect in theirlessons, and the professor himself happened to be generally mistaken.This artist is much encouraged and esteemed by the whole fraternity.
In another apartment I was highly pleased with a projector who had founda device of ploughing the ground with hogs, to save the charges ofploughs, cattle, and labour. The method is this: in an acre of groundyou bury, at six inches distance and eight deep, a quantity of acorns,dates, chestnuts, and other mast or vegetables, whereof these animals arefondest; then you drive six hundred or more of them into the field,where, in a few days, they will root up the whole ground in search oftheir food, and make it fit for sowing, at the same time manuring it withtheir dung: it is true, upon experiment, they found the charge andtrouble very great, and they had little or no crop. However it is notdoubted, that this invention may be capable of great improvement.
I went into another room, where the walls and ceiling were all hung roundwith cobwebs, except a narrow passage for the artist to go in and out.At my entrance, he called aloud to me, not to disturb his webs. Helamented the fatal mistake the world had been so long in, of usingsilkworms, while we had such plenty of domestic insects who infinitelyexcelled the former, because they understood how to weave, as well asspin. And he proposed further, that by employing spiders, the chargeof dyeing silks should be wholly saved; whereof I was fully convinced,when he showed me a vast number of flies most beautifully coloured,wherewith he fed his spiders, assuring us that the webs would take atincture from them; and as he had them of all hues, he hoped to fiteverybody's fancy, as soon as he could find proper food for the flies, ofcertain gums, oils, and other glutinous matter, to give a strength andconsistence to the threads.
There was an astronomer, who had undertaken to place a sun-dial upon thegreat weathercock on the town-house, by adjusting the annual and diurnalmotions of the earth and sun, so as to answer and coincide with allaccidental turnings of the wind.
I was complaining of a small fit of the colic, upon which my conductorled me into a room where a great physician resided, who was famous forcuring that disease, by contrary operations from the same instrument. Hehad a large pair of bellows, with a long slender muzzle of ivory: this heconveyed eight inches up the anus, and drawing in the wind, he affirmedhe could make the guts as lank as a dried bladder. But when the diseasewas more stubborn and violent, he let in the muzzle while the bellowswere full of wind, which he discharged into the body of the patient; thenwithdrew the instrument to replenish it, clapping his thumb stronglyagainst the orifice of then fundament; and this being repeated three orfour times, the adventitious wind would rush out, bringing the noxiousalong with it, (like water put into a pump), and the patient recovered.I saw him try both experiments upon a dog, but could not discern anyeffect from the former. After the latter the animal was ready to burst,and made so violent a discharge as was very offensive to me and mycompanion. The dog died on the spot, and we left the doctor endeavouringto recover him, by the same operation.
I visited many other apartments, but shall not trouble my reader with allthe curiosities I observed, being studious of brevity.
I had hitherto seen only one side of the academy, the other beingappropriated to the advancers of speculative learning, of whom I shallsay something, when I have mentioned one illustrious person more, who iscalled among them the universal artist. He told us he had been thirtyyears employing his thoughts for the improvement of human life. He hadtwo large rooms full of wonderful curiosities, and fifty men at work.Some were condensing air into a dry tangible substance, by extracting thenitre, and letting the aqueous or fluid particles percolate; otherssoftening marble, for pillows and pin-cushions; others petrifying thehoofs of a living horse, to preserve them from foundering. The artisthimself was at that time busy upon two great designs; the first, to sowland with chaff, wherein he affirmed the true seminal virtue to becontained, as he demonstrated by several experiments, which I was notskilful enough to comprehend. The other was, by a certain composition ofgums, minerals, and vegetables, outwardly applied, to prevent the growthof wool upon two young lambs; and he hoped, in a reasonable time topropagate the breed of naked sheep, all over the kingdom.
We crossed a walk to the other part of the academy, where, as I havealready said, the projectors in speculative learning resided.
The first professor I saw, was in a very large room, with forty pupilsabout him. After salutation, observing me to look earnestly upon aframe, which took up the greatest part of both the length and breadth ofthe room, he said, Perhaps I might wonder to see him employed in aproject for improving speculative knowledge, by practical and mechanicaloperations. But the world would soon be sensible of its usefulness; andhe flattered himself, that a more noble, exalted thought never sprang inany other man's head. Every one knew how laborious the usual method isof attaining to arts and sciences; whereas, by his contrivance, the mostignorant person, at a reasonable charge, and with a little bodily labour,might write books in philosophy, poetry, politics, laws, mathematics, andtheology, without the least assistance from genius or study. He thenled me to the frame, about the sides, whereof all his pupils stood inranks. It was twenty feet square, placed in the middle of the room. Thesuperfices was composed of several bits of wood, about the bigness of adie, but some larger than others. They were all linked together byslender wires. These bits of wood were covered, on every square, withpaper pasted on them; and on these papers were written all the words oftheir language, in their several moods, tenses, and declensions; butwithout any order. The professor then desired me to observe; for he wasgoing to set his engine at work. The pupils, at his command, took eachof them hold of an iron handle, whereof there were forty fixed round theedges of the frame; and giving them a sudden turn, the whole dispositionof the words was entirely changed. He then commanded six-and-thirty ofthe lads, to read the several lines softly, as they appeared upon theframe; and where they found three or four words together that might makepart of a sentence, they dictated to the four remaining boys, who werescribes. This work was repeated three or four times, and at every turn,the engine was so contrived, that the words shifted into new places, asthe square bits of wood moved upside down.
[Picture: The frame]
Six hours a day the young students were employed in this labour; and theprofessor showed me several volumes in large folio, already collected, ofbroken sentences, which he intended to piece together, and out of thoserich materials, to give the world a complete body of all arts andsciences; which, however, might be still improved, and much expedited, ifthe public would raise a fund for making and employing five hundred suchframes in Lagado, and oblige the managers to contribute in common theirseveral collections.
He assured me that this invention had employed all his thoughts from hisyouth; that he had emptied the whole vocabulary into his frame, and madethe strictest computation of the general proportion there is in booksbetween the numbers of particles, nouns, and verbs, and other parts ofspeech.
I made my humblest acknowledgment to this illustrious person, for hisgreat communicativeness; and promised, if ever I had the good fortune toreturn to my native country, that I would do him justice, as the soleinventor of this wonderful machine; the form and contrivance of which Idesired leave to delineate on paper, as in the figure here annexed. Itold him, although it were the custom of our learned in Europe to stealinventions from each other, who had thereby at least this advantage, thatit became a controversy which was the right owner; yet I would take suchcaution, that he should have the honour entire, without a rival.
We next went to the school of languages, where three professors sat inconsultation upon improving that of their own country.
The first project was, to shorten discourse, by cutting polysyllablesinto one, and leaving out verbs and participles, because, in reality, allthings imaginable are but norms.
The other project was, a scheme for entirely abolishing all wordswhatsoever; and this was urged as a great advantage in point of health,as well as brevity. For it is plain, that every word we speak is, insome degree, a diminution of our lunge by corrosion, and, consequently,contributes to the shortening of our lives. An expedient was thereforeoffered, that since words are only names for things, it would be moreconvenient for all men to carry about them such things as were necessaryto express a particular business they are to discourse on. And thisinvention would certainly have taken place, to the great ease as well ashealth of the subject, if the women, in conjunction with the vulgar andilliterate, had not threatened to raise a rebellion unless they might beallowed the liberty to speak with their tongues, after the manner oftheir forefathers; such constant irreconcilable enemies to science arethe common people. However, many of the most learned and wise adhere tothe new scheme of expressing themselves by things; which has only thisinconvenience attending it, that if a man's business be very great, andof various kinds, he must be obliged, in proportion, to carry a greaterbundle of things upon his back, unless he can afford one or two strongservants to attend him. I have often beheld two of those sages almostsinking under the weight of their packs, like pedlars among us, who, whenthey met in the street, would lay down their loads, open their sacks, andhold conversation for an hour together; then put up their implements,help each other to resume their burdens, and take their leave.
But for short conversations, a man may carry implements in his pockets,and under his arms, enough to supply him; and in his house, he cannot beat a loss. Therefore the room where company meet who practise this art,is full of all things, ready at hand, requisite to furnish matter forthis kind of artificial converse.
Another great advantage proposed by this invention was, that it wouldserve as a universal language, to be understood in all civilised nations,whose goods and utensils are generally of the same kind, or nearlyresembling, so that their uses might easily be comprehended. And thusambassadors would be qualified to treat with foreign princes, orministers of state, to whose tongues they were utter strangers.
I was at the mathematical school, where the master taught his pupilsafter a method scarce imaginable to us in Europe. The proposition, anddemonstration, were fairly written on a thin wafer, with ink composed ofa cephalic tincture. This, the student was to swallow upon a fastingstomach, and for three days following, eat nothing but bread and water.As the wafer digested, the tincture mounted to his brain, bearing theproposition along with it. But the success has not hitherto beenanswerable, partly by some error in the _quantum_ or composition, andpartly by the perverseness of lads, to whom this bolus is so nauseous,that they generally steal aside, and discharge it upwards, before it canoperate; neither have they been yet persuaded to use so long anabstinence, as the prescription requires.