“You aid him. He doesn’t think I belong here.” Morrigan pulled her hand from Birkita, turned and ran blindly from the chamber. She didn’t once look back. She couldn’t. She didn’t want to see the doubt and disgust in Kegan’s face and the disappointment in Birkita’s.
Morrigan didn’t have any idea where she was going. The truth was, she didn’t care. She just had to get away from their eyes: Kai’s, Kegan’s, Birkita’s, Shayla’s. All of them.
She probably should have gone above—back to the surface where she could breathe the night air. But when she came to herself, to rational thought again, she was in her chamber. Morrigan curled up on the fur-lined pallet, drew her knees up to her chest and clasped them with her trembling hands. What was happening to her? What had happened to Kai?
Brina nosed through the leather curtain and leaped up beside her. With a sob of relief, Morrigan put her arms around the big cat. “I couldn’t have had anything to do with Kai’s death. I didn’t do anything. I wasn’t even in the cave.”
Courage, Precious One…
“No!” With a futile gesture, Morrigan covered her ears with her hands. “I don’t want any more of the voice! I don’t want to wonder if I’m listening to a goddess or a demon. Can’t you just leave me alone and let me fit in somewhere? Let me be just a little bit normal for a change?”
She knew she sounded pathetic—like a whiny baby. G-pa would probably tell her to “suck it up.” G-ma would tell her to “settle down and think.” She didn’t feel like she could do either, but she would give every last piece of goddess power she had to be with her grandparents again—to feel safe and protected and loved.
Brina nosed her face and Morrigan realized her cheeks were wet. She wiped her face with the edge of her dress. What would happen now? Would Birkita turn against her? And what about Kegan? Morrigan kissed Brina’s furry face and laid her cheek against the cat’s warmth. “He said he was made to love me. Wonder if he still thinks so,” she whispered. And, for just an instant, Morrigan considered if she could somehow find her way back through the crystal boulder to Oklahoma.
Exhausted, Morrigan closed her eyes and with Brina curled around her, fell asleep.
She dreamed she was back in Oklahoma. It was one of those autumn days she had always loved when the oppressive heat of summer gave way to cool northern breezes. The leaves in the big pin oak in the front yard were just beginning to turn colors. Morrigan was sitting in one of the rusted metal chairs on the front patio. A glass of her grandma’s sweet tea sat on top the huge flat Oklahoma sandstone rock they used as a table. Morrigan took a deep breath of the cooling air. It smelled of trees and G-pa’s butterfly bushes. It felt so good to be home!
Running away is not the answer, child.
Morrigan looked to her right. She was sitting in one of the two other metal chairs. Morrigan’s first thought was that she was incredibly beautiful. Her second was that she would have never confused Rhiannon with Shannon. The two women had the same face and form, but she had never seen this expression in any of the multitude of pictures of Shannon—this look of sadness mixed with tenderness.
“You’re my mom.”
Rhiannon’s smile was joyous, but her eyes were luminous with unshed tears. “I am, indeed.”
“Is this real? Are you in my dream, or am I just making you up?”
“Sometimes our dreams are the most real aspect of our lives.”
“That doesn’t sound like a yes or no answer.”
“You’ll learn that the most important things in life can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. They’re more complex than that.”
“Tell me about it. My life is so complex right now that I don’t even understand it, and I sure don’t know what to do about it,” Morrigan said.
“You will know what to do. When the time comes to make a choice, you will understand what you must do,” Rhiannon said.
“But what does that mean? Can’t you give me some real help? Tell me what to do?”
“I can’t make your decisions for you—no one can. I can tell you that experience taught me decisions made out of negative emotions like anger and jealousy and fear are usually wrong. Instead, trust love and loyalty and honor. Trust yourself, child, and you will find the goddess within. She will lead you to the true goddess and the truth.”
“Can’t you help me?”
“I have always helped you, Morrigan.” Rhiannon reached over to touch her daughter’s cheek. “And I always will…”
Rhiannon’s body began to fade. “No, wait! I have a zillion questions I need to ask you!”
Rhiannon smiled. “Trust love, and remember, running away is not the answer. It wasn’t for me, and it isn’t for you.”
* * *
Morrigan opened her eyes and automatically brushed her fingers against the cave wall. “Light for me, please.”
We hear you, Light Bringer!
When the hanging selenite stalactites lit, Morrigan lay on her back petting the sleeping cat curled against her side and stared up at the beauty she was able to call alive. Could she do that if she had been possessed by evil? She didn’t think so, or at least she hoped not. Morrigan thought about her dream. It had felt absolutely real, but she hadn’t been in Oklahoma. Did that mean her mother hadn’t really been there, either?
It seemed like an easy way out—to go to the selenite boulder and see if she could figure out a way to return to Oklahoma.
Running away is not the answer, child.
The words weren’t spoken in her mind or even whispered in the air around her, they rose from her memory. So if running away wasn’t the answer, what was? Rhiannon, or her subconscious or whatever had said not to make decisions out of negative emotions, but to trust love and loyalty and honor. Easier thought than done, that was for sure.
But wait, maybe it wasn’t so hard. She should trust love. Okay, if Kegan’s feelings for her were real—if they had actually been made for each other—then he would be the love she should trust. He was a High Shaman. He ought to be able to give her advice about the woo-woo part of what was going on. He’d said she should consider that maybe the Goddess had sent him to her. So if he was still talking to her, versus running screaming in the opposite direction or trying to burn her at the stake, she’d consider it.
Loyalty had to be represented by Birkita. Like Grandma, she was completely loyal, even when it wasn’t particularly a good thing. If Birkita still wanted anything to do with her, Morrigan promised herself that she would stop getting pissed off whenever she said something Morrigan didn’t particularly want to hear. She’d listen to Birkita. She’d choose loyalty over anger. And she’d choose love over fear. If the two of them would let her.
Morrigan thought about honor. If the other two emotions were symbolized in people, then it would be logical that honor would be, too. Well, G-pa wasn’t here, so he (or his mirror image) couldn’t fill those shoes. Morrigan’s mind drifted, unfortunately, to Kai. Until he’d touched her and then said terrible things about her, she would have guessed that maybe Kai was supposed to represent honor. Great. What if he did and now he was dead?
Overwhelmed, Morrigan pressed her face to Brina’s side, trying to let the warm presence of the cat calm her fear.
Fear…No. She was going to choose love, not fear. Morrigan forced her thoughts from the horror that Kai had become to Kegan. She didn’t think about him like he’d been when she’d last seen him, kneeling beside Kai’s body, staring at her with wide, unreadable eyes. She thought about how he’d looked after they’d made love—how nervous and vulnerable he’d been—how much in love she’d believed him to be. Absently Morrigan’s hand went up over her head to rest against the smooth wall of her chamber. With all of the crap that had happened since, she hadn’t even had a chance to think about Kegan and, well, the sex.
Jeesh, she wasn’t a virgin anymore. And it had been…Morrigan sighed. Kegan had been amazing. She wished he was with her right then and that the horrible thing with Kai hadn’t happened. She w
anted desperately to see him—to have him reassure her that what he’d said was true. They really were made for each other.
The Master Sculptor is in his chamber.
The words traveled from the crystals, through her fingers, and into her very soul. Morrigan blinked in surprise and sat abruptly up. She pressed her hands firmly against the cave wall. “Can you lead me to Kegan?”
Yes, Light Bringer!
Stomach fluttering nervously, she said, “Then take me to him, please.”
CHAPTER 20
It was late and, thankfully, Morrigan only met a few people as she let the crystals lead her through the mazelike tunnels of the caves. She didn’t know what kind of looks those people gave her. Morrigan kept her eyes on the cave wall, her face turned away from all gawkers. With single-minded determination she made her way to the section of the caves reserved for guests, moving quickly and quietly until the crystal thread of light ended beside a thick leather curtain covering an arched doorway. Morrigan hesitated. Now that she was there she was clueless about what to do. And sick to her stomach.
It would have been nice if she could’ve knocked or rung a doorbell. For that matter, she would have been ecstatic to chicken out and text message him. Okay, well, none of those things were possible. She should just call his name. Say something like, “Hi, Kegan, it’s me, Morrigan. Can I come in?” Or, as G-ma would have corrected her, “May I come in?” But what would she do if he yelled back and told her to go away? That would be terrible. Well, shit! Just go in. He’ll either want to see me or he won’t. Quietly, Morrigan pushed aside the leather drape and peeked into the room.
There was only one brazier burning in the large chamber and the single column of rough marble that stood silent and imposing in the center of the room seemed to pull the white flame to it so that its buttery surface looked luminous. She recognized the marble instantly as the section of stone Kai had chosen for Myrna’s tomb.
His back to her, Kegan was standing in front of the marble. His hands were raised and he had them pressed against the surface of the rock. His head was bowed. His shoulders were slumped as if a great weight had settled in the middle of them. Morrigan slid soundlessly into the room, not sure whether to clear her throat or cough or just call his name.
“I know you’re there.” Head still bowed, Kegan spoke without looking at her. His voice sounded oddly muffled and thick.
Morrigan jumped guiltily. “I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. I just…” She hesitated and then decided she might as well be completely honest with him. “I just didn’t know if you’d want to see me, so I came on in because I didn’t want to hear you tell me to go away.”
Kegan straightened. Slowly he took his hands from the marble and then he turned to face her. Morrigan saw that he had been crying and she automatically started toward him, one hand outstretched. But, unable to read the expression on his ravaged face, she stopped just short of touching him and let her arm drop uselessly to her side.
“Did you believe nothing I told you today?”
His words gave her a little sliver of hope, but his expression was still so remote that she hesitated to touch him. “I believe you meant it when you said it, but after what happened with Kai I didn’t know if you’d still feel that way.”
“Kai is dead.”
The words pressed around Morrigan as if they held actual weight. “I’m so sorry, Kegan.”
“Do you know why I was crying?”
“Because you’re sad about Kai.” She glanced at the familiar marble pillar behind him. “And Myrna.”
“I was weeping because when I touched the marble and felt Myrna’s image within it I was reminded of you and I couldn’t bear that you ran from me.”
“I didn’t run from you. I ran away from what Kai was saying about me.”
“You should have stayed. We could have faced it together.”
“But don’t you think I’m evil?” Morrigan felt herself begin to tremble.
“Of course not,” he said angrily. “How could you believe I would think that?”
“What about what Kai said?”
“Perhaps you should tell me what happened between the two of you today.”
Morrigan looked into Kegan’s eyes and made her decision. She would trust love. “I think what I should tell you is everything, and then maybe you can help me understand what happened with Kai and me today.”
“First, come here to me, my flame. If I don’t touch you soon I will go mad.”
Choking back a sob, Morrigan went into his arms and was enveloped by the scent and heat of him. Loving him didn’t fix anything. Loving him didn’t change anything. Loving him simply made everything else bearable. She pressed herself against him and inhaled his solid presence. And for the first time really began to believe that they had been made of—and for—each other. He kissed the top of her head and she could feel his warm breath against her scalp when he spoke.
“If the Goddess fashioned us for one another that doesn’t mean one of us can run away when things get difficult.”
“Well, me being filled with darkness isn’t exactly PMS.”
“PMS?”
Morrigan laughed against his chest. “Never mind. Let’s just say that rampant evil and water-retention grumpiness don’t exactly equate.”
“You aren’t filled with darkness and I already know you can be grumpy.”
Morrigan looked up at him. “I’m not grumpy, and how do you know I’m not filled with darkness?”
Kegan held her face in his hands. “You are filled with light, Morrigan, not darkness.”
Morrigan stared into his eyes. She wanted to believe him so damn much that it made her chest hurt. And maybe she could, but only after he knew everything. “I need to sit down, and then I have to tell you the truth about me. All of the truth.”
He didn’t make a jest to try to lighten what she had said. Instead he nodded solemnly and kissed her lightly. Then he pointed to one of the half-a-dozen comfortable raw-leather chairs in the chamber. “Pick any of those. You talk while I pace.”
“You’re going to pace?”
“I do my best thinking when I pace. You’ll get used to it.” As if in demonstration he paced over to a wooden table that held a couple pitchers, a bowl of fruit and several goblets. “Wine?” he asked as he poured a red stream from one of the pitchers.
“No, I want to keep a clear head. But some water would be nice,” she said as she chose the chair farthest from Myrna’s marble.
“Water it is.” He filled her goblet from the second pitcher and brought it to her.
She drank deeply, realizing how dry her mouth had been. Then she cleared her throat and began to tell her story.
“First, I want you to know that I’ve really hated lying, and whenever I could I stuck as close to the truth as possible.”
“You sound as if you have been forced to lie.”
“I feel like I have. Even Birkita thought it was the only thing we could do, and I agreed with her.”
“Birkita knows the truth?”
“Pretty much all of it.”
“Tell me,” Kegan said.
So Morrigan told him everything, from her birth to her unusual childhood to the day she discovered her powers in the Alabaster Caverns. Then she told him the truth about her mother and father, and about her grandparents, who weren’t actually her grandparents, and how they had told her everything the night she freaked out and ran away to the caverns. That was one of the two times he interrupted her.
“By the sacred chalice! You truly are the daughter of Epona’s Chosen.”
Morrigan thought he looked scarily pale, but she nodded. “Yes. I am the daughter of Rhiannon MacCallan. The real Rhiannon MacCallan.”
He went over to the table and she saw that his hand was shaking as he poured himself more wine. When he turned back to her, Kegan looked thoroughly shocked, but he smiled at her and his voice was so filled with joy, for an instant it burned away the horror that had happened that day.
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“I was fashioned to love you, Morrigan MacCallan, High Priestess and Chosen of a goddess.” Then he threw back his head and laughed.
“Well, what the hell is so funny about that?”
He went to her, bent and kissed her soundly. “I am what is so funny about that. Someday I’ll tell you the story of the ridiculous things I said before I knew you, and I give you my word I will let you berate me for them, even when we are old and gray.”
“You’re making no sense at all,” she said, but she couldn’t help smiling at him as she continued her story. With the echo of running away is not the answer, child playing through her memory, she explained that final night to him. How she had called alight the spirits of the crystal and how Kyle had found her, and the passion they had discovered together. Until her grandparents, most particularly G-pa, had burst in on them.
At that point Kegan stopped pacing and interrupted her for the second time. “I believe I would like your grandfather,” he said.
“Well, he does appreciate good horseflesh,” she said.
Kegan snorted.
“Anyway, it wasn’t long after my grandparents got there that the cave-in started.”
Kegan’s eyes widened in understanding. “The cave-in—that is how Kyle died. And your grandparents? Did they perish, too?”
“No, no, I don’t think so.” Morrigan paused and clasped her hands together in her lap. They’d started to tremble. She would not go there. She would never, ever go there. “My grandparents did not die. They got out. I made them get out. They thought I would follow them, but I didn’t. Even then I knew I wouldn’t get out of the cave that way.” She looked up from her tightly clasped hands and met his eyes. “Kyle wouldn’t leave me. I tried to send him away, but he wouldn’t go. It was because of me that he died.”
“It was his decision, Morrigan, not yours,” Kegan said flatly.
“Promise me you wouldn’t make the same decision.”