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Gabriel felt the temperature rise across her skin, and so he began to lightly rub her shoulders.
“He said that sex was his right as my boyfriend. When I said that I wasn’t ready, he called me frigid. That simply reinforced my determination to wait. I wasn’t really waiting for you, specifically, but I didn’t want to be pressured into it. I know that sounds juvenile. ”
“Julianne, it’s far from juvenile to assert that you should be the one to decide who you will and will not sleep with. ”
She smiled at him thinly. “The more he pushed, the more I tried to compensate by giving into him in other ways. He was extremely possessive.
He didn’t like me hanging out with Rachel, probably because she didn’t like him. I did whatever I could to avoid conflict with him. And, um, he wasn’t always pleasant. ”
She paused, trying to figure out how to say the next part.
“Did he hit you?” Gabriel forced himself to sound calm.
“Not really. ”
“That is not an answer, Julianne. Did he hit you?”
She could feel Gabriel’s body begin to shake with anger. She wasn’t about to lie to him, but she was worried about what he would say when she told him. So she chose her next words very carefully. “He pushed me around a couple of times. Natalie, my roommate, had to pull him off of me once. ”
“You do realize that him pushing you is still assault. ”
When Julia avoided his eyes, he continued. “I want to come back to this again. Another time. ”
“Honestly, the things he said to me were far worse than anything he ever did. ” She laughed softly. “He treated me better than my mother did, for the most part. Although there were times when I wanted him to hit me.
I could have taken a punch, and it would have been over in seconds. That would have been preferable to having to listen to him tell me how frigid and worthless I was over and over again. ” She shuddered. “At least if he’d hit me, I could have told my dad. I could have shown him the bruise, and he would have believed me. ”
Gabriel was sickened by Julia’s admission, which only increased his anger against Simon and her father. Despite his patient silence, she could almost hear the wheels turning in his mind.
“I never felt like I was good enough for him. And he certainly agreed.
Since I wouldn’t sleep with him, he demanded — um, other things. But I wasn’t very good. He said if that was any indication of what I’d be like in bed, I’d be a lousy lay. ” She laughed again, and nervously played with her hair. “I wasn’t going to tell you this, but I guess you have a right to know before I disappoint you. On top of being frigid, why would you want me if I can’t even please a man in other ways?”
Gabriel unthinkingly let loose a string of profanities that would have curled a profane person’s hair.
Julia remained very still, her nose twitching slightly, like a mouse. Or a rabbit.
“Julianne, look at me. ” He placed a light hand on her cheek, waiting until their eyes met. “Everything he said to you was a lie. You have to believe me when I tell you this. He said those things so that he could control you.
“Of course I want you. Look at you! You’re beautiful and warm and intelligent. You’re forgiving and gentle. You might not realize this, but you bring out those qualities in me. You make me want to be gentle and kind.
And when we make love, that’s how I will be with you. ”
He cleared his throat as his voice grew raspy. “Someone as giving and as passionate as you could never be terrible at anything sexual. You just need someone who will make you feel safe enough to express yourself. Then the tiger will emerge. He didn’t deserve to see that side of you, and you were right not to show it to him. But we’re different. Last night, the night in the museum, even earlier tonight, I’ve seen your passion. I’ve felt it. And it’s breathtaking. You are breathtaking. ”
Julia looked into his earnest eyes in silent wonder.
“You told me you believe in redemption,” he whispered. “So prove it.
Forgive yourself for whatever you’re ashamed of and let yourself be happy.
Because really, Julianne, that’s all I want for you. I want you to be happy. ”
She smiled and kissed him, reveling momentarily in his touch and his words. After a moment, she retreated, knowing that the worst of her story was yet to be told.
“I wanted to participate in the junior-year abroad program. He didn’t want me to go. So I applied for it behind his back, and I didn’t break the news to him until the beginning of the summer. He was furious, but he seemed to get over it.
“While I was in Italy, he would write these amazing e-mails and send me pictures. He told me he loved me. ” She swallowed hard. “No one ever loved me before. ”
She took a deep breath. “I didn’t come home for Christmas or for the summer because I was taking extra courses and doing some traveling. When I came back at the end of August, Rachel took me shopping as a welcome home present. Grace had given her some money, and between the two of them they bought me a really pretty dress and a pair of Prada shoes. ”
She blushed.
“Um, you’ve seen those shoes before. I wore them on our first da — um, I mean when you took me out for steak. ”
He ran his fingers over the curve of her cheek. “It’s all right, Julianne, you can call it our first date. That’s how I think of it. Even though I was an ass. ”
She took another deep breath. “He made elaborate plans to celebrate my birthday. Rachel insisted on helping me get ready at her apartment, and I was supposed to drive to the Ritz-Carlton to meet him. But I forgot my camera. So I went to my dorm room first. ”
Now Julia began to shake. Every muscle, every part of her began shivering as if she was freezing cold.
Gabriel wrapped her in his arms. “You don’t have to tell me anymore.
I’ve heard enough. ”
“No. ” Her voice shook, but she continued. “I need to tell someone. Not even Rachel knows everything. ” She inhaled and exhaled a couple of times.
“I opened the door and the room was dark, except for the lamp on my roommate’s desk. But Natalie’s stereo was on. It was playing Closer by Nine Inch Nails. Stupidly, I thought she’d left the stereo on by mistake. I was going to turn it off, but before I could take another step, I saw them. ”
Julia went very still. Still like a statue.
Gabriel waited.
“Simon was fucking Natalie in my bed. I was so shocked I couldn’t move. At first, I thought it couldn’t be him. And then I thought, it couldn’t be her. But it was. And…”
Now her voice dropped to a whisper. “She’d been my roommate since we were freshmen. We were friends in high school. They saw me standing there, staring like an idiot. And he looked over at me and laughed, saying that they’d been fuck buddies since sophomore year. I just stood there because really, I couldn’t understand what he was saying. Natalie walked over to me, naked, and said that I should join them. ”
Julia’s mouth snapped shut. But it was too late. She’d pronounced the words. She’d said them aloud. And all of the agony and horror that she felt that day washed over her again. She moved to kneel and press her cheek against Gabriel’s chest. But she did not cry.
Gabriel held her tightly, pressing his lips to the top of her head. I should have killed him when I had the chance.
He was silently glad that he hadn’t known. He would have killed Simon, of that Gabriel had little doubt. He’s the Angelfucker. He was going to fuck my Julianne like an animal. Only he practiced on her roommate first.
They sat in one another’s arms for a while as she tried to push away her shame, and Gabriel sought to cast his murderous thoughts aside. When he felt her heartbeat slow, he began to whisper. He told her how much he cared for her. He told her she was safe with him. Then he asked her quietly if it would be okay if he talked to her a little.
She nodded
.
“Julia, I’m sorry that happened to you. ” He shook his head. “I’m also sorry that you didn’t grow up in a house with a man and a woman who shared a bed and loved each other. I had that benefit.
“You know what Richard and Grace were like, always touching one another, always laughing. I never heard him raise his voice to her. I never heard her say anything snide or rude. They were the perfect couple. And as much as it is embarrassing to think of one’s parents having a sex life, it was obvious they were very passionate.
“When Richard gave me the infamous birds and the bees talk, he cited a line from the Book of Common Prayer, a vow that he’d made to Grace during their wedding ceremony, ‘With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow. ’”
“I’ve heard that before. It’s beautiful. ”
“It is, isn’t it? And in the context of my rather uncomfortable conversation with Richard, he pointed out that this vow is a pledge that the husband will make love to his wife, and not just use her for sex. He said that the vow expressed the idea that making love is an act of worship. The husband worships his wife with his body, by loving her and giving to her and moving with her toward ecstasy. ”
Gabriel cleared his throat, which was now hoarse. “I think it’s safe to say that what you witnessed with your boyfriend was predatory and de-spicable. I know that you saw similar things when you were growing up in St. Louis, things that a little girl should never see. It’s possible you thought that’s just what intercourse is — and maybe you thought that all men were like him — malicious predators who use and abuse.
“Richard’s description of lovemaking was completely different. He said that it is no less passionate than other pleasures, because the context provides the freedom and acceptance to explore one’s desires in all of their various forms, whether they’re desperate and needy, or slow and tender. The point is that the foundation that undergirds the act is one of mutual respect and giving — not taking or using. ”
Gabriel brought his lips to her ear so he could whisper to her. “I wandered far away from Richard’s lifestyle, but I always wanted what he and Grace had. When I told you that I was intending to worship you with my body, I meant it. With all my heart. I will never take from you. I will only give. In my bed and outside of it. ”
Julia smiled against his chest.
“You and I are both starting over, and behold, all things will become new. ”
She reached up and kissed him softly on the lips and whispered words of thanks to his mouth. His affirmation comforted her. It didn’t take the pain away or erase the memories, but it relieved her to hear that he wouldn’t hold her past weaknesses against her. For truly, one of the things she was most ashamed of was allowing herself to be treated so badly. It was why she had kept her secret. It was why she had feared exposure.
“Now I feel like an even bigger ass for joking with you about Nine Inch Nails when we were at Lobby. No wonder you were so upset when I mentioned that song. ”