* * *
I stumbled, scraping my knees as I fell to the frozen ground. Fat tears dripped down my face and part of me wanted to lie down and give up. A fierce howl echoed through the forest, and I forced myself up on shaking legs. I was too young to try and find food on my own, let alone during winter. The injustice of it ate at my heart.
The sky was washed with color when I finally found some food, a bush with a few dried and frozen berries on it, and dried grasses hidden underneath. It wouldn't taste very good, but I grabbed the precious food and began to chew. Others tried to approach as they, too, were near starving. My mother would have welcomed them; I kicked rocks making them go away.
Suddenly I was running through the city holding my mother's hand. My body itched with the nearness of walk-ins. We ran as fast as we could. I fell, and my mom stopped, kneeling down to help me up. Hands descended on us grabbing, tearing us apart. I screamed and cried for her, but themonsters only laughed. Their huge shadowy bodies carried us effortlessly to their master.
Black hair framed a pale face, black eyes glowed softly in the dungeon. My mom kept fighting but was strapped to a table. The man pulled the energy out of her, filling his bowl, until her life and power threatened to run over the sides. I screamed and fought trying to get to my mom as she gasped for breath.
He stared at me. "I'll find you." His handsome face twisted into a predatory grin.
Gasping, I sat up looking around my bedroom until I realized I was safe in Hope House. I forced myself to calm down, and noticed I was alone in the room. I got up and opened the door. Someone had trashed the living room and the couch was torn into pieces. Books were thrown everywhere. Melanie, Myra, Rhonda, and Caitlin all lay in a pile, their bodies limp and unmoving. I looked for her, but I could not see Shante.
"I told you I would find you." He grinned, baring his bright, sharp, white teeth.
Lee stood behind him. His round face was pockmarked, and his flat nose was crooked from being broken. Shante hung limply from Lee's hand around her neck. He flung her down, and then he stood in front of me.
"You will come with us now," he said, as Lee grabbed my neck.
My eyes flew open as I gasped for breath, my hand clawing at my neck. I was drenched in sweat and shaking. I rubbed my hands over my face, trying to calm down. Thankfully, I hadn't screamed out loud, so no one woke up.
For the past three nights I'd been having nightmares. I was twitchy during the day, and worried the Sons of Belial would find me while at school, or at Hope House. I didn't want anyone else getting hurt because of me.
The only way to keep everyone safe was to move in with Gavin and Anali. At least they knew the risk, and they knew what to look out for. Turning to the clock I groaned, five-thirty in the morning. There was no way I could go back to sleep now.
I got up and begun my routine early. I lay on my yoga mat warming up, and for a moment, I thought about doing the breathing and energy exercises Anali taught me. I dismissed the idea. I was still enjoying feeling like myself, and being free of the so-called gifts. Anyway, having my Phoenix powers flowing normally would only make me easier to track. I couldn't risk jeopardizing Shante and the others.
By the time I finished with yoga, I knew what I needed to do. I would call Five and tell him I was ready to move in with Gavin and Anali. The only thing holding us back in the transition process was my reluctance. If I said I was ready, then they would speed things along, and everyone at Hope House would be safe. I wasn't ready to move in with Gavin and Anali; I would have liked to have had more time. Right now we were still doing fun things. I didn't have any idea what they expected from me or what the rules of the house were. I guess I would have to figure them out as I went along.
After I got ready for school and finished with my chores, I called Five. I was surprised when he answered, as it was only a little after eight in the morning.
"Hi it's Sapph...um Sara." Using two different names was becoming annoying.
"Hey, is everything okay?"
My fingers twisted the phone cord. I had to do this. I needed to keep everyone safe. "Yeah, I'm fine. I want to go and live with my Uncle Gavin."
"Are you sure?" Five asked. "You don't know them very well yet. You can have some more time."
"Yes, I'm sure. They're nice, and I like having my own room." Which was the truth.
"Okay. I'll talk to my supervisor and get things rolling," Five spoke slowly as if he wasn't sure he should go along with what I wanted.
"Do you know how long it will take?"
"Well, everything has come back fine. We are very happy with Gavin having custody of you. Now that you want to live with him, I'd bet two days. So on Friday when he picks you up for the weekend you can stay. Will that work?" I could hear Five flipping through papers.
I closed my eyes, trying to hold back the tears. "Friday will be great, thanks."
"I'll call you later and let you know, okay?"
"Sure, Five, thanks." I needed to do this It was the best thing for everyone.
Hanging up the phone, I sighed. It was done. I would move to a new home on Friday, with a new life, and new rules. The plans I made were beyond my reach now. I had no idea what I could hope for in my new world. What future would I have?
"You're leaving me?"
Oh, god, no. "Shante," I whispered, my heart clenching as she stared at me. Her brown eyes were full of hurt.
"You promised you would always be here. That you would never leave me." Her hands made little fists.
"I'm sorry you found out this way. I told you my uncle was trying to get custody of me. You knew I was going to leave eventually," I tried to explain.
"But you called, you chose! You don't want to be here anymore! I hate you!" Shante ran off to her room, slamming the door.
"What's going on?" Melanie looked around the room confused, her hair mussed.
"Shante overheard me asking Five if I could go ahead and move in with Gavin and Anali." I pressed a hand against my stomach hoping I wouldn't throw up.
"Oh dear." Melanie gave me a quick hug. "I'll talk to her, you need to head to school. You have to take care of yourself, Sara, never feel bad about that."
I nodded and left for school. The problem was I wasn't doing this for me, I was doing it for them, and they would never know.
I managed to stay focused during school despite the constant guilt and nervousness bubbling away in my stomach. I usually found the bus ride relaxing, but today I couldn't relax, and it had nothing to do with the homeless man and his alligator puppet arguing politics in the seat behind me. Well, maybe a little.
Getting off the bus, I smiled fondly at the sight of the café I stopped in all those months ago. I had plenty of time before class, so I decided to stop in and get a chai latte, no major caffeine for me.
Sipping on the spicy hot drink, I almost ran into someone as I walked out the glass door. One would think that being able to see through the door would help prevent such a thing.
"Sorry."
"No problem, Sara baby, you can run into me any time."
"Carlos!" I couldn't help myself. I threw my arm around him and gave him a hug. "How are you? What are you doing?"
He grinned, but it looked dimmer than the last time I saw him. Carlos' brownish-red skin was dirty, pale, and tight across his cheekbones, his brown eyes dull and sad. "I'm hanging in there. Hey, can I bum a cup of coffee off of you?"
"Of course." I went back into the café and bought him a coffee and two sandwiches.
"You still going to that school?"
"Yes, but I have a few minutes before class. Do you want to sit with me for a bit?"
"Sure, baby. I'll make sure no one bothers you." I grinned at Carlos' flirting. It was good to see him again.
"Are you still living with your mom?"
"Yeah. I thought about calling my caseworker, but I worry about what will become of my mom if I do."
"I know, but Carlos, you look horrible. You need some food, a shower, cle
an clothes..."
"Don't overdo the flattery," Carlos grumbled good-naturedly. "But what about family?"
I looked at Carlos, was he serious? "Carlos, your basic needs aren't being met. What could being in a family possibly give you that it's worth giving that up? I understand the freedom is appealing, but seriously this can't be worth it.”
"What about love, affection, knowing you belong?" Carlos rolled his coffee cup between his hands.
"Are those more important than food, shelter, and being safe? And didn't you get that at Hope House? Maybe not from family, but from me and the staff?" I asked. "Look at you, Carlos. Is this how a mother expresses her love? What about your other family, why aren't they helping you if family is so important?"
Carlos looked like I slapped him in the face.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things to you." I looked away and took a sip of my chai.
"They're true, though, aren't they?" Carlos asked, without needing or wanting an answer. He ran his fingers through his dirty black hair. "I bet you have wanted to say that to me many times. Why now? What's going on?"
I thought about blowing Carlos off or lying, but as I had been brutally honest about his situation, it seemed only fair to be as honest about mine. "I have an uncle, he found me over Christmas, and it looks like I'll move in with him this weekend."
"Wow, that's big."
"Yeah. I know I'll be taken care of, food, bed, clothes all that stuff. And he and his wife are nice, but I don't know what to do about the family thing. Gavin, my uncle, feels a connection to me that I don't feel or understand. I feel like it's a foster placement, like they are strangers. I don't know what to do."
Carlos squeezed my hand. "We lived together for two years, I saw some of us become special to you, and others you never bothered with at all. You created your own family in a way." Carlos lifted up the bag of food. "I mean, look—you take care of me, and encourage me to make the right choices. You want me to be safe and happy. That is what family members do for each other right?"
"Yeah I guess so," I mumbled. "But they're adults."
Carlos nodded. "True, it might take longer, and you’ll have to let them take care of you too, but eventually I'm sure you’ll figure out how to be a family."
I wasn't convinced, but I felt better. "Thanks. Is there any way I could get you to call your caseworker?"
Carlos gave me a sad smile. "Yeah, all right. I'm tired of sleeping on the street when mom works. And it would be nice to have regular meals again."
"Come on, I'm sure they'll let me borrow the phone." I pulled on Carlos' arm so he'd follow me to the Circus Center.
Thirty minutes later a caseworker drove up and took Carlos away. I gave Carlos Gavin's cell phone number along with Melanie's cell phone and email addresses so he could get ahold of me, even if it was unlikely I'd hear from him again. The caseworker said she would take him to the hospital first before placing him, so I didn't even know where he was going. I rubbed my eyes forcing back tears. Carlos would be okay and that’s more important than me seeing him again.
"Are you okay?" Taliesin asked.
"Oh yeah, I'm fine." I tried going for sarcastic but I sounded tired and hollow.
"Are you sure? You look like crap." Oh, that's nice.
"I haven't been sleeping well," I said.
Taliesin straightened his sleeves. "Sorry, anything I can do?"
I stopped for a moment and looked into Taliesin's ice blue eyes. He seemed sincere. "No, I don't think so, but thanks anyway."
Taliesin carelessly shrugged a shoulder. "No problem. Have fun in class."
I watched him walk over to Gavin and whisper furiously. Gavin began frantically gesturing and running his hands through his hair. Taliesin's posture showed calm with a touch of defensiveness. Whatever Taliesin was telling him, Gavin didn't like it at all. I wasn't sure what he was upset about, but I bet I would hear all about it at dinner.
Going through the standard warm-up and stretches helped my mind begin to calm down, and I was able to fully focus on juggling.
"Meditation can take many forms. For some it is sitting quietly and allowing their mind to become blank and open. For others meditation happens with painting, knitting, cooking, or physical exercise. I know several parents who make time to meditate while cleaning. The point is not to focus deeply on a problem or issue, but to allow your worrying and 'what ifs' to shut down and leave so things can be clearer. You do not gain from meditation, but instead lose what is holding you back from following your heart."
I always found it easier to clear my mind through physical activity and today was no exception. I could feel my fear and worry leave as I tossed the juggling balls Kayin made me from one hand to another. As my focus narrowed to keeping the balls in the air, I could hear my heart and knew leaving Hope House was the right choice.
"You're doing well today," Kayin said. He'd been oddly distant today.
"Thanks. How are you doing?" I asked, amazed that I didn't lose my focus.
"I'm good. Maybe we can talk after class?"
That didn't sound good. "Sure. I have to wait a bit before Gavin and Anali are ready to go anyway."
Kayin smiled and tugged gently on my braid before checking on another student.